Envisioning Hope

by Tracy Lee

  Swinging my arms back and forth out in front of me, I walked cautiously so as not to run into anything or fall down and make an ass out of myself. Finally, I took a step out and felt concrete under my foot. This was the parking lot. I continued walking as straight as I could, swinging my arms out side to side.

  "You're going the wrong way," I heard Oliver's voice some ways away. It was gentler now, but there was no way in hell I would turn around and prove to him that I couldn't do a normal thing like walking to a destination.

  "If it's away from you, then no I'm not!" I yelled back as I kept trekking. "Let me help you. You're heading away from the building. Turn completely around and walk straight.

  I hated that I had to depend on someone and I hated it even more that it was him. I mentally agreed to allow him to help me back into the building and that would be it. I would make sure that I didn't have to deal with him again. I could hear his footsteps crunching the grass as he made his way to me, then the sound of footfalls on concrete. He was getting closer, I backed away. He grabbed my hand quickly and held it tightly, as though he didn't want me to pull away.

  "I'm sorry I brought up your son and you're right, I don't know what it's like to have lost a child. I also agree, you are an adult and you can choose who you want or don't want in your life, but just because you push someone away, doesn't mean they push you away. Honey, people are hurting for you because you are special to them and they want to help you out of love, not out of pity. You have made this about shame, but maybe, just maybe, if you would open your eyes and see what you still have in your life, you'd realize that those people think your life is worth it…me included. "

  I didn't know what to say to that. As a matter of fact, I couldn't say anything. I was selfish. This was about not having what was mine anymore. My mom had my dad and she was happy and so in love, just like I was with Charlie. Libby had Bobby and, last I'd heard, they'd been given a baby and were their own little happy family. Yet, here I was, no husband, no baby…hell, I couldn't even look around me.

  Yeah, I deserved something and I chose selfishness.

  "Yeah? You want me to open my eyes and realize what I have around me? Maybe I don't want to. Maybe I'd rather not see what's around me…have you ever thought of that? Maybe I don't want to see how happy, happy, joyous, joyous everyone around me is!" I spat out. The words were slipping out of my mouth drenched in nothing but jealousy and hatred for the people who cared the most about me. How sick was that on my part?

  I turned to start walking back to the hospital when I heard Oliver whisper words that stopped me in my tracks and sliced through me so hard, I gripped my eyelids and gritted my teeth as to hold back the tears.

  "Kind of ironic that someone with the name Hope doesn't have one ounce of it left in her body."

  He was right, I didn't. Not one drop. I knew that my life would never be good again and that nothing would work out. I knew I would never get a happy ending.

  I didn't want it.

  I didn't say anything, I just pulled myself together quietly and breathed a sigh of relief when I felt the breeze of the air-conditioned hallway fall across my face. Walking several feet in, Oliver's voice caught me off guard as he called for a nurse. We continued walking as I heard a nurse approach us. Oliver asked if she'd be kind enough to take me back to my room. I wasn't going to argue, that would mean I didn't have to deal with him any longer. I held my body in a defensive stance, ready for Oliver's next statement on how I would regret everything that I was deciding on, but nothing came out of his mouth. I felt his hand let go of mine as he set it in the nurse's and continued to remain silent.

  Then, I heard his footsteps walk away from me and something in me broke for good.

  Chapter 14

  Three Weeks Later

  My eyes went back and forth between the paper and the numbers above the door. Having gotten the information from the yellow pages site online, I wasn't sure whether it was correct. I looked around me. The bums on the street corner in front of the trashcan set on fire as they warmed their hands had my senses on edge. This wasn't the best of neighborhoods even though it was only four blocks over from mine. I opened the door and headed up the stairs that led to the apartment door. I looked at my watch, seven thirty-nine. I knocked.

  I checked the bar first and, surprisingly, he wasn't there. I could hear his footsteps on the old, wooden floor as he approached. With the turn of the lock and several latches being undone, Glenn stood in front of me with a look of shock on his face.

  "Ollie…everything okay?"

  I looked down at the paper in my hands again and suddenly thought to myself that this was a very bad idea.

  "Uh…uh…"

  I couldn't make any words come out of my mouth. I wasn't sure how he would respond to my request, but with the weeks that had passed, I just knew it was worth a shot.

  I had to take a break from Hope. I couldn't look at her…her beauty, everything she had to offer, and see that all she saw was pain and impossibility. I had to get her to see, but I didn't know how to go about doing that.

  That's where Glenn would come in.

  "Glenn, I wanted to ask you… I have a client, a friend of mine, who I think you could really help out."

  Glenn's look went from shock to puzzled. Still standing at the door, I decided that if I was going to do this, I was going to do it right. I took a breath and let it out.

  "Can I come in?"

  "Sure, sure…apologize about that, Ollie. Don't get many that come a'visitin' so my manners are a bit out of sort."

  I could smell the alcohol on his breath as he spoke and thought to myself that maybe this was a huge mistake.

  Looking around his apartment, I made a mental note to go through my closet and find some old household items and bring them over to him ASAP. I kind of felt bad for the guy. The dingy white walls were bare and over in the corner sat an old recliner that looked as if he picked it up out of a trash dumpster. Opposite, was a small black and white television that gave off more static than program propped up on a pile of old newspapers..

  "Come in…come in. Take a seat," Glenn insisted as he pulled a folding lawn chair from the corner. I smiled and thanked him as he handed it to me. I pulled it apart and set it down. "Don't have nothin' cold to drink, got some whisky though…you up for some?" I smiled a friendly smile as I held up my hand to decline. "I won't take up too much of your time, Glenn. I just wanted to see if you would help me out. I wouldn't normally ask, but this one is…" My heart was pounding at the thought of losing Hope but I had to face the reality that maybe she was already gone. "She's slipping away from me," I whispered the last part as I turned my gaze down at my hands. Glenn didn't speak so I picked my head up to look in his direction. His face was pale and his eyes were emotionless as they stared off behind me. I couldn't read where his thoughts were and I had come to the conclusion that I had made a terrible mistake.

  "Glenn, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to put you on the spot, I just thought…"

  "What do you need me to do?" he asked in a caring manner. I calmed myself down enough so I could tell him what my idea was. "Just talk to her…show her that there is good still in this world. I've said it until I am blue in the face, I think she thinks I'm lying," I joked just to break the tension in the room, but I could tell he knew I was serious.

  Glenn's posture changed, he didn't look relaxed anymore. His eyebrows drew together and he looked at me as if he was trying to read me.

  "Given up on life, has she?" he asked as if really concerned. When I put the pieces of the puzzle together, I had a feeling he truly was.

  "Yeah, Glenn…I think she really has," I said, not holding back the truth. He sat there for a moment not saying a word.

  "Not gonna lie to you, Glenn…I think maybe you two share something in common." I looked around the room, taking in what this man had called a home. White walls, paint peeling off, old pictures of what used to be a hint of a life taped up on the walls. You could hear the water pipes
above as they moaned, informing us that the plumbing in this building was shit and that someone was running water. A small electric hot plate sat over in the corner of the kitchen and still looked brand new which told me it hadn't been used much. This wasn't a home, it was a place to lay his head and maybe take a shower once and a while so that he was able to go out in public to get what he needed…the same exact way Hope was acting.

  They had given up on life. They had both loved and lost.

  Suddenly, Glenn bowed his head and I took this moment to say what I needed to say. "Glenn, I can't tell you that I know what you're going through, buddy. I'm not gonna feed you that line. What I will tell you is that I care for the woman…care about her a lot, man. If I don't bring her back, I'm gonna be in the same spot you're in. Now, I'm no shrink, but this isn't good. Look at you, man. It's time."

  Glenn's head rose up and I could see the water building in his eyes. I wasn't done, so I continued with what I had to say. I was desperate and I wasn't about to hold back now. "It's time, Glenn. Time to start healing, you pulling away from everyone, from life, is not going to make it go by any easier or faster. You sitting here, thinking about your daughter or drinking away a memory of a love that was lost, that you had no control over, is not the way to regain control of a life you wanted to have. I‘ve watched you, night after night, try to drink this hurt away and it's not working, buddy. I'm sorry to tell you that, but it's not bringing her or your daughter back." Hearing him sniff, I knew he was coming to the realization of what I was saying. "Here's your chance to make it right, to start life new, Glenn."

  "It's too late for me, Ollie," Glenn whispered.

  "It's never too late, Glenn," I demanded.

  I looked around again, attempting to get some type of control of this conversation. I pictured Hope. Her courage, her strength was what I fell in love with and I was going to use that as what kept me going. I had to fight for her. That day when she was asking for me suddenly popped back into my thoughts and I was filled with what seemed like hope.

  Maybe she did care for me. It may not be what I felt for her, but if it was just a spark of anything, it was a start.

  I closed my eyes and pictured her that day out in the garden; the look on her face when I ran the jasmine under her nose. The look on her face as she realized what it was branded itself into my heart. I wanted to give that to her every day of her life.

  But, would she allow me to?

  I let those thoughts go as I brought my attention back to Glenn who was now staring at the picture of his daughter taped up above the small television.

  "Never met her, but she holds my heart, Ollie," Glenn whispered. By the sound of his voice it was clear that he was trying to hold back tears.

  "I know," I silently replied. I couldn't argue with that.

  I didn't know the love a father felt for a child because I wasn't one, but I could imagine. Suddenly, my thoughts filled with Hope pregnant with my child. Her beautiful smile, bright and cheery just for me, as she ran her hand over her ever growing belly, showing my child how much love she feels for her. Flashes of my daughter growing up looking like her mother revealed themselves to me; her first dance, her wedding… my heart felt as though it would burst.

  "Where do I need to be?" Glenn said out of nowhere. I wasn't expecting him to accept my offer. In fact, I was expecting him to throw punches with how truthful I had been with him. I didn't let my guard down yet. With this next truth, I may have to eat my own words.

  "Gotta ask, Glenn. You gonna be sober?"

  I only slightly winced when I finished. I waited to feel the burn from his fist meeting my face, but it never came. I opened my eyes as I looked over to Glenn. His eyes filled up once again with tears.

  "Lady means a lot to ya?" I heard his question but my voice wouldn't come to me. Hope didn't just mean something to me, she meant everything to me. Never in my life did I think it was possible to care about someone so much that you were willing to do anything and everything in your power to save them. I wanted nothing more than to wrap my arms around her so that she never felt anything like this again.

  It was my turn to feel the burning in my throat and to have my eyes coat over with a mist of tears. Instead of answering, I just shook my head.

  "Okay then…don't make me ask you again, boy. Where am I meetin' you?"

  Chapter 15

  Three weeks.

  It had been three weeks since I had heard from Oliver. I sat in my corner thinking on every word I had said to him that made him go away. Guilt filled me, I didn't mean to be cruel but he had to know that I was not a good thing and he should spend his time on people that actually needed him.

  You do need him.

  I heard that voice in the back of my head but I pushed it down. I didn't need him, I needed to be with my husband and child.

  You want to be with him.

  "No!" I yelled out as loud as I could. I grasped ahold of my hair, hoping the pain would make those thoughts stop. Quickly, I got up and went directly to the television, turning the knob to make the sound louder. Walking over to the radio, I reached down, pushing the button as the volume increased as well. I went back to the wall and slid down, pulling my knees to my chest as I laid my cheek against my knee.

  My mind was spinning. I set my thoughts on Charlie and suddenly they were filled with Oliver. All this time I had spent with Oliver, I was beginning to feel like I was found again. Now that he wasn't coming, I felt as lost as I did the day I did lose everything. But, it wasn't right for me to feel this way about someone that wasn't Charlie. I was never supposed to think about anyone else. That was my torment for having to live without them.

  That was when I heard it, the turn of the lock. I held my breath. I picked up the scent of his cologne before I heard his voice and a wave of calmness washed over me.

  "Ollie," I breathed.

  There was no response. I pushed up against the wall as I pulled myself to a standing position. I kept my emotions hidden but felt the relief build inside of me.

  "I'm not staying. I just wanted to tell you that someone is here to talk to you. You don't have to say a word, just listen to what he has to say."

  I didn't let him finish, I needed to get out what I've needed to say.

  "Oliver, we need to talk."

  "No…not now. I want you to listen. After, we'll talk. He's not a doctor and he isn't here for any type of test, so don't throw anything at him and let him say what he has to say. "

  I didn't say anything, I just stared in the direction of his voice, wishing I could hear some type of emotion in his tone. There was nothing. I relaxed my stance and nodded once. I heard his feet shuffle to the door as another pair shuffled in slower.

  I sat back down and waited to hear someone's voice. I heard the footsteps walk past me, slow and staggered. Finally, I heard him clear his throat as he began to speak.

  "I was told it was okay to call you Hope. Do you have an issue with that?" The man's voice was rough and his southern twang told me he was born and raised somewhere close to here.

  "It's fine," I responded, making sure it was in a strong tone.

  He never replied. I counted his footsteps and measured him to be in the middle of the room when the footfalls stopped.

  "Don't know if what I have to say matters, but I told Ollie I'd come talk to ya anyway."

  His tone was shaky, he was nervous. He probably didn't do this often, speaking to strangers that is. I thought I'd be nice and help him out.

  "What's your name?" I asked

  "Oh yeah, you might wanna know that, right?" he joked, nervously. "Name's Glenn, Glenn Harbroke."

  I didn't get up, I stayed planted in my corner as I replied, "Nice to meet you, Glenn."

  "Heard you lost your family," Glenn said just as plainly as he said his name. I felt a bit insulted. He should be asking me about my family with a little bit of sensitivity and reverence. This wasn't a dog we were talking about, this was my family.

  "I don't talk about my
family," I replied in a voice that also said not to push me.

  "Why wouldn't you talk about your family?"

  "I didn't say I didn't talk about my family," I defended, hoping that would put an end to this conversation.

  "Yes, you did. You just said, ‘I don't talk about my family'," Glenn retorted.

  "Okay then, let me clarify. I don't talk about my family with you or with anyone I don't want to talk about my family with. There…does that answer your question?"

  "Then, again, why wouldn't you talk about your family?"

  I'd had enough. Oliver asked if I would listen to this man talk, I didn't agree to answer questions. I wasn't in a therapy session. I got up from the corner and started toward Glenn's voice.

  "Look, I don't want to talk to you about my family. I don't like to mention my family. I told Ollie I would listen to you speak. If you're not going to speak, I am going to ask you to leave."

  "Also heard you can't see, that true?"

  Was this guy for real? I couldn't believe the nerve of him! I didn't know who he thought he was but this subject was not going to be discussed.

  "Who are you? The angel of misfortune?" I asked as I made my way across the room. "Are you gonna bring up every bad thing that's ever happened to me?"

  "You think I need to?" Glenn responded, which just pissed me off even more. "No, I don't think you need to. What I think you need to do is get whatever shit you brought in here and get the hell outta my room before I call security!" I yelled at him.

  "You want me to leave?" Glenn asked back.

  "Isn't that what I said? Do you have a hearing problem?!" I was on fire now. How dare he bring up the worst tragedy that has ever happened to me as though it was yesterday's news.

  "Oh, are you mad?" Glenn asked, his voice never raising. "Did I offend you?" he finished.

  "Hell yes, I'm mad!" I exclaimed. I was livid and he wasn't even bothered by my attitude which made me even more livid. "And, yes, you did offend me. You don't approach a stranger asking them about their family that has passed on like it's no big deal."