Envisioning Hope

by Tracy Lee

  "Why?"

  That was all Glenn said. That question took me over the edge. I didn't realize at any time in my life that a one worded question would be the reasoning for my demise, but I had a feeling it was going to be.

  "You have got to be fucking kidding me!" I screamed.

  Suddenly, silence overtook the room. There was nothing. I couldn't hear anything aside from the beating of my heart that felt like it was going to come out of my chest and my breath that was coming and going at the same speed. I looked around the room to see if I could hear any noise, maybe just a shuffle of his foot, there was nothing.

  My lungs were working double time, bringing in air just as fast as I let it go. I moved around the room. I hated the silence, I never felt as impaired as I did when it was silent. I walked quickly past the table thinking I would run into Glenn. I continued to walk straight, then turned around and headed just as fast back toward the door.

  "Turn on the sound!" I screamed as I planted my hands over my ears, trying to bring the sound into my head so it didn't feel so empty.

  "You feel that?" Glenn's soft, rough voice hit my senses and I felt relief. I turned around quickly as I blew out a breath. "I asked you if you feel that." Glenn kept talking as he walked. I was confused, did I feel what? I didn't know what he was talking about but his footsteps were heavy as they headed in my direction.

  "I don't feel anything, Glenn. Why wouldn't you answer me when I called for someone?" I asked, desperate to hear his voice just so I could hear some type of noise. "Yes, you do. I can hear it in your voice," Glenn's tone sounded deeper and louder and closer. "Glenn, I don't know what your–" His words and actions cut me off because I wasn't expecting the shocker that came next.

  Suddenly, Glenn was almost in my face. My heart was pounding harder than it had ever beat, my breaths still following that same rhythm. His words rang in my ears and would continue to do so for the rest of my life.

  "You know exactly what I'm talking about, Hope. That feeling right there, the air being brought into you and then leaving, that heart beating so loud I can hear it from where I'm standing. That's life! That's what I'm talking about! That's survival running thick in your veins, girl! And, let me tell you what, you're damn lucky to have had another shot to feel that feeling again!"

  Glenn continued as my body froze. He wrapped his hands around my shoulders. "You not talkin' about your family is shit! You think that you're the only one who lost that day? Let me tell you about a little thing called loved ones. That husband of yours had a family…had a momma and a daddy whether they're alive or not. Reckon' he had brothers, maybe a sister. With the way that you treated me when I first walked in, could tell y'all had to have tons of friends. That little one of yours…you don't think he had aunties, uncles, grannies, papas? You think they like having to mourn alone in their own thoughts? Let me tell you somethin', little girl, you are not the only one who lost someone that day!"

  I could feel my eyes burning as the tears begged to be shed, but I held my breath so that they stayed right where they were. If it was the last thing I did, this man would not see me cry. "You don't know what I lost." Until I fought this emotion back, that was as good as a fight as he was going to get. "Don't tell me what I've lost, little girl. You can't lose something you never had."

  His words ripped me in two. This man had never suffered the loss of a loved one because he never had one. He never had to deal with the pain of never seeing your child again because he wasn't a father. I couldn't believe that I let this speech get to me this way. I took a deep breath and let it out. His time for talking was over.

  "You're going to come in here and lecture me on how to deal with losing a husband and child when you've never even had a family?" I bit out in a tone that was full of malice. The nerve of this man!

  "Never said that, darlin'. Said you couldn't lose what you never had." Now I was back to being confused and still pissed as I heard his feet shuffle around the cold, hard, concrete floor. Suddenly, the squeaking of the chair's legs scratched against the concrete as he pulled it back to sit down. I crossed my arms and stood stiff, waiting for another fight to begin as he set on telling his tale.

  "Used to be a truck driver, couldn't tell it now but back then girls thought I was the pick of the litter. Used to drive all the time, didn't have anyone at home so I filled my time with seeing God's country while hitchin' up and delivering all I could." I dropped my arms and relaxed my stance a bit as he continued on. "One time, drivin' through Cheyanne, I stopped at a small truck stop. It was snowin' so bad, you couldn't see the hand in front of your face, ‘bout damn near froze runnin' in from the truck to the store." Glenn became quiet and I imagined him shaking his head. You could hear pure emotion with the next words that came out of his mouth. "Best night of my life walkin' into that store. Little red-headed girl, pretty as you ever saw, stood behind the register. God…she took my breath away.

  "I made a path that included that truck stop from wherever I was going to where I needed to be. We eventually talked… told me her name was Daisy. Sweetest name I ever heard. To this day, I can't even look at one of them flowers. Months passed, I found myself going back there even if I didn't need to. Things progressed between us. It got pretty hot and heavy with us, I ain't gonna lie, emotions ran deep for me and it felt damn good when I made her mine one night at the local motel."

  He didn't have to say it, I could hear the pain in his voice that that memory brought him. I couldn't tell if it was a good pain or a bad pain, so I continued to listen to his story.

  "After our night together, things went back to the way they were. I would come by, we would talk, but I could tell something was different in Daisy. She wasn't the outgoing girl she was when I first met her. Weeks turned into a few months and I tried calling the store, but Daisy was never there. Finally, I went back. I asked the lady that was now working there about her, told her I was an old friend, all I got was that she was on vacation for a week or two. I left and dropped back by again the next month. No Daisy. All I got was some excuse about her having to go home, something about a sick momma." As Glenn continued you could hear the hurt that was building up inside of him. How this man had the strength to continue to tell the story was beyond me. I didn't say anything, letting him finish his story. "Came back a couple weeks later, found out she didn't work there anymore. ‘Bout broke me in two seeing as that little girl done went off and didn't let me know what was going on. But, I kept on. Years went by… met my wife, married her…"

  Sadness grew in his tone. I heard him adjust his chair, which meant he was uncomfortable. He didn't want to say that marrying his wife was a mistake, but his voice told me he knew deep down it was. "Tried to do the right thing, tried for years to have a family, found out later it wasn't possible. Something ‘bout my wife, she wasn't able to carry a child. Still, I stayed ‘cause I did love her in a way. It wasn't a love like I felt for Daisy, but that was a onetime chance. More time slipped away and so did the relationship with my wife, but I was stupid and allowed it to happen. That was my mistake, she knew I couldn't love her the way she deserved to be loved."

  "Then, one day, just like today…or any other normal day, I came home from work and did my normal, everyday routine of walking out to check the mail…" Glenn stopped talking and slid his chair as though he was attempting to get comfortable again. Then, I heard his feet move close to me. In a small, rough voice, he asked, "May I?" I nodded and waited to see what I had given him permission for when I felt him gently turn my hand over and place something in the palm of my hand. I tilted my head down as I ran my other hand over it. My fingers detailed the torn and tattered paper that had been taped several times. It felt like a small photograph, which I could expected to be of Daisy.

  "There's a letter that goes with that picture. Keep it right next to that photograph you hold in your hand, along with the best words I think I have ever heard in my life. She told me I had a daughter," he said, choked up. "Don't know how Daisy found me, didn't real
ly care. She told me I had a daughter." His voice changed. He was so proud of the words that left his mouth. "At the time Daisy wrote this, the baby was two and she had married a man that took her on pregnant. He had been good to both of them."

  "Of course, I went inside and immediately wrote back, asking if I could see them both. I mailed it off then went back inside to tell my wife about what was going on. Again, my stupidity. I never thought of how that would make my wife feel. It drove a wedge in between us even further. She started going out, I knew she was seeing other men, I was just really to the point that I didn't care anymore. Deep down, I wanted Daisy to write back telling me that she would leave her husband and we would be a family together."

  Just as fast as he handed me the picture, it was gone. Glenn grabbed it away from me as I heard him fold it back up and place it back in the place where he kept it.

  "Guess Daisy and I had two different thoughts on the matter." Agony could be heard throughout all of him as he continued on.

  "Still, to this day, I have never met my daughter."

  "Jesus…" I responded in shock.

  "Believed in him all my life, gave up on him long ago. Think he's got better things to deal with then little ole me," Glenn shot back almost instantly.

  "That's what I'm saying to you, little girl… don't miss out. I don't know what you're going through, or what you've been through, but don't waste it sitting in here while you have people who would bleed to make you happy."

  Suddenly, Glenn was close again, close enough to be in my space.

  "Honey, you may think you have tomorrow to fix what you should've fixed yesterday but you and I both know that sometimes life has a sense of humor. Don't let it catch you in a practical joke. Don't make your daddy yearn for his baby. What you're feeling right now for your child is nothing compared to what your daddy is feeling for his baby girl who is still alive but can't be reached in her time of need. You are ripping that man apart, I can promise you that. Take it from someone who knows. I know what it's like to give up. I've lived it, Hope. Drink just to get through the morning and drink even more to get through the night. Don't follow in my footsteps. Yes, you have some setbacks, but you're young. And, with the way you fight…shit, they're tiny speed bumps on your highway, 'lil girl."

  Glenn stopped talking and not a sound was to be heard. It was then I realized I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. I bowed my head and sat there silently as the tears fell for my sweet baby that I had the pleasure of holding every day for eight months of my life. Tears for my loving husband who I had the privilege of calling my husband for the most wonderful five years I could imagine. Tears because they were both disappearing from my thoughts and becoming even dimmer in my dreams.

  "I'm so scared, Glenn," I cried. And, I was. I was terrified. Not about continuing on, but about losing their memories. Life went on, every day meant one day further from the day I lost my heart and soul.

  "No one said this was going to be easy, honey. This life ain't about easy, it's about separating those who can handle their shit and those who can't. I don't know ‘bout you, but I'm just about to the point where I can handle my shit," Glenn said in a joking manner, but I could tell he was dead serious. It had taken him that long to be able to handle getting up, getting dressed, and dealing with life. This was not reassurance for me. I didn't want to spend fifty years getting over Charlie and Sawyer. Hell, I didn't want to live that long without them.

  "What do I do, Glenn?" I asked desperately. I wanted the answer I was looking for. I wanted this pain to go away and I wanted my family back. I missed my mom and dad and I missed my best friend. I needed my family back.

  I needed my family back.

  "First off, you make things right with your momma and daddy. It's okay to mourn with them. You need to mourn with them, let them take some of this from you. Share your times, good or bad. It don't matter, it was times and that's what matters. Laugh…cry…get mad…throw shit…just do it with them."

  Glenn took my hand and I ran the tips of my fingers over the back of his hand. I could feel the hard, wrinkled skin that had seen what life was really all about and I squeezed lightly to let him know that I was with him. "Then, you heal, darlin'. You do what makes you happy, you do whatever it is that is going to show you that life is worth living, not sitting in a corner and wishing it would come to an end. That's just a waste. You find what your life is about. And, if it includes someone else, you do it! Don't think that just because you lost someone you love that your heart ain't big enough to allow someone else in. You let them in there and you let them love you."

  The tears continued to fall as I wrapped my arms around Glenn's shoulders, pulling him into me and squeezing as hard as I could. I couldn't believe what this man had given up and had lived without, I would make sure that he'd never have to be alone again.

  "Thank you, Glenn," I sobbed into his shoulder. "I'm sorry about your daughter," I continued as I felt his arms squeeze harder. He was still filled with so much pain, I didn't want to end up like that. I just had to come to the realization that Charlie wouldn't want me to live that way.

  "I'm gonna go now. I think you and Ollie have some things to talk over."

  I pulled my head back from his shoulder and stood away from him. Glenn's finger gently swiped my cheek, wiping the tears away as he said his goodbye.

  "Remember what I said, ‘lil girl…no one said that this was gonna be easy, but believe in yourself and don't ever forget that your family loves you. They are there to help you. Don't mean that you aren't gonna have curveballs thrown your way, but stay on your feet and keep your eye on the ball. You'll get through it."

  I couldn't answer him so I just nodded my head vigorously as he patted on my back one more time before turning and heading out the door.

  Chapter 16

  I felt slightly bad about just throwing Glenn into that room with Hope, but I knew that she had to hear what he had to say. Something was going to make her realize that she was still alive and that it was alright for her to live again. I was putting all my chips on Glenn to open her eyes. I opened the door to my car and got in, grabbing the other set of directions out of the glove compartment. Hope wasn't going to like what came next, but for her to really start healing this needed to happen.

  And fast.

  All the way to her parent's house, my thoughts overwhelmed me. Was I making the right decision by taking it upon myself to bring them to her again after she had made it known that she wanted nothing to do with them anymore? Would it help with her healing or would she end up pulling away further? Hell, I didn't even know if they would talk with me.

  I pulled up to the curb of Hope's childhood home and it was exactly the home I pictured her growing up in.

  White colonial with black shutters, three windows upstairs and two on the first floor. Two large pillars held up the balcony that was placed over the front door. The landscape was beautifully groomed with butterfly gardens placed on either side of the front walkway. I laughed when I looked over at the detached garage and saw the basketball goal standing there. My mind immediately went to picturing Hope growing up playing with her dad, maybe a sibling. We had never discussed if she had a brother or sister.

  I took a deep breath and reassured myself that this was the right thing to do. I hurried and left the car before I could change my mind. Walking up the steps, I had to make myself continue to the door and almost thought twice before I rang the doorbell.

  I stood there feeling like an idiot, not knowing how to start out the conversation on why I, a stranger, was there to tell them to follow me over to the hospital so that they could sit down with their daughter and put an end to this painful situation.

  Through the windowed door, I could see a woman walking toward me. She was young, maybe in her early twenties. Her hair was long and the same blonde as Hope's. As she approached, the similarities were almost identical.

  This was Hope's sister.

  As she unlocked the door, I began thinking about
what to say. So, I went with the first thing that came to mind.

  "Can I help you?" the young lady asked with Hope's smile beaming across her face.

  "Hi, I'm looking for Mr. or Mrs. Wesley?" I asked as I concentrated on making the sound come out of my mouth. I was hoping and praying that I didn't look like an idiot standing here.

  "Can I tell them who's here?"

  "My name is Oliver Sheldon and I would like to speak with them concerning their daughter Hope."

  Just as fast as she planted that smile on her face, she pulled it back and exchanged it with a look of apprehension and uneasiness. I needed her to know that she was alright.

  "No…everything is fine, Hope is fine. Let me start over. Are they available?"

  The woman never said a word, she just stared at me as she pulled back the door, allowing me to come into her home. I smiled a small grin and walked in. Closing the door, she finally spoke. "My parents are in the family room. If you‘ll follow me, I will take you to them."

  I nodded once as she locked the door and followed her through the entryway into the family room where a large screen television was plastered on the wall. Opposite of the television an older woman and man sat on the couch.

  Their eyes went to their daughter's and then to me. They did this several times until their daughter cleared her throat.

  "This man is here for Hope."

  Both of their faces turned white while their backs became rigid. I needed to open my mouth and speak quickly.

  "Wait…everything is fine. My name is Oliver Sheldon, I work for the state and was hired by the hospital to help in aiding with Mrs. Saxton's rehabilitation. I have been working with your daughter for almost a year and she is doing wonderfully."

  You could hear all three let out the air they were holding. Hope's sister walked to the other side of the room and took a seat on the other couch, placing her head in her hands as though she was calming herself down. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.