by Amy Marie
“Okay,” Hadley responds and I can hear the sadness in her voice. I don’t know what it’s about but I’m hoping it’s because she doesn’t want me to leave.
I tap her hand gently. “Unless you want to join me.”
She smiles and I reverse out of the parking lot.
~~
We arrive at my sister’s house thirty minutes later and as soon as I’m out of the car I’m greeted by two crazy girls. My nieces Macy and Marcy come barreling out of the house towards me. Their four year old bodies knock me down into the snow and they circle their arms around me as much as they can.
“Uncle Ryder!” They both scream simultaneously, blowing out my eardrums.
“M and M!” I yell back, playfully throwing them off of me into the yard. They take advantage and begin making snow angels.
Hadley walks up beside me after I get to my feet, smiling. “Twins?”
“Yup,” I answer, leading her up the sidewalk to the front door. “Identical ones. Macy and Marcy.”
“Cute,” she comments as the girls mow us down to get into the house first.
Veering to the right, we enter the kitchen where Julia is making lunch. She looks up–her blue eyes tired from working late nights bartending–finding Hadley next to me. She wipes her hands on her apron.
“Hadley,” she says extending her arms and bringing her in for a hug. “It’s so nice to finally meet you. Ryder has told me so much about you.”
Julia was a sophomore when Hadley and I dated. She never knew about our secret relationship until after our dad died. He passed away from a heart attack just after the guy who knocked Julia up left her to become a single mother of twins. After he died there were a lot of questions on why my relationship with my dad crumbled during senior year.
When Hadley left and her parents wouldn’t cough up her whereabouts, I was heartbroken and distraught. I thought my dad could help find her. He was a lead investigator after all, but he yelled at me for even thinking about “that man’s bastard child.” I confronted him about leaking private information on Hadley’s dad to keep him from promotions at his job at the bank. He never moved up past a teller because my dad successfully kept him there. I barely spoke to him when I came home from college. When he died, I regretted almost every word I had not said to him but never the words he did hear from me. I loved Hadley, hell I still do, and feel that she is worth all the trouble and harsh words.
I watch Hadley’s face blush when all Julia can do is just stare at her.
“She isn’t an exhibit at the art museum, Jules. Stop freaking her out.” I laugh, pulling her in for a hug.
She playfully slaps my arm. “I know. I’m just excited to meet the famous Hadley.” She walks back over to the stove. “I was getting tired of seeing that Wendy chick here.”
The air in the room stiffens. I haven’t hidden anything from Hadley when it comes to Wendy but she doesn’t know that we’ve slept together a few times just to scratch the itch. We both have a mutual understanding that we are in love with other people but need a little release here and there. Wendy has only met Julia twice and those were both when she was dropping off the twins at my house to babysit. Besides the very minimal sex we’ve had, Wendy is like a best friend. Never once has she pushed for more, not that I would give it to her. I think Julia is trying to get me into some trouble. It’s not going to work.
I glance at Hadley, who looks almost murderous. Maybe it will work.
I lean over and whisper in her ear, “You look fucking hot when you’re jealous.”
Her vicious eyes turn on me. “What do I care? We’re just friends.”
The girls come flying into the kitchen and tackle me again. This time I stay standing. I pick them up, one in each arm, and walk into the living room spinning them around in a circle until they scream for me to stop.
A dizzy Macy asks, “Are you babysitting us today?”
As a single mother Julia not only has the bartending job but also has a waitressing job during the lunch shift on weekends. This supplements the income she gets from assisting at the girls’ preschool. When I can help out on the weekends and weeknights I do. I also send friends to see her at work who leave astronomical tips since she won’t take money from me. Though she couldn’t go to college, she does still owns her own home but money is always tight. I’m proud of her. Once she had the girls, she would never take a cent from my mother either, even though my mom has an abundance of it.
“Of course! What kind of uncle would I be if I didn’t watch my favorite nieces and play hide and go seek and dress up?”
“Can we paint your nails again Uncle Ryder?” Marcy asks, effectively revoking my man card.
Hadley’s laugh fills the room.
“Who is that girl?” Macy asks.
I smile when I find Hadley in the door frame watching us. “That’s Hadley,” I tell them.
Marcy pulls on my shirt so I can lean down and whispers in my ear, “Is that your girlfriend?”
I turn my head to whisper back but loud enough so Hadley can hear. “I wish she was my girlfriend.”
“EWW!” The girls erupt into laughter and run to their rooms.
Walking over to Hadley, I lower my face to hers. Her breathing accelerates with each inch I get closer. “Have I told you how beautiful you look today?”
She shakes her head no and I kiss just under her ear. “You look beautiful today.”
I feel her cheeks widen before she says, “And I’m sure you will too after you get your nails painted.”
After three hours, which consisted of a lunch, a round of Uno and a pedicure for Hadley, we’re all laid out on the couch stuffing our mouths with popcorn. The girls are laying on the loveseat cuddled in their sleeping bag while Hadley lies in my lap, blissfully sleeping. I pull the ponytail out of her hair and run my fingers through it. With her eyes closed, I’m reminded of so many times when she would fall asleep in my arms. God, I love this girl. Even now years later I still do, and it’s so tough to love her not knowing what happened so long ago to make her leave. She has said she loved me too but there had to be something else, something that happened to make her want to run away from her life.
For a long time I thought my dad had something to do with it. It wasn’t until he admitted to screwing with Hadley’s dad but denied anything to do with her disappearance that I realized he didn’t. A year after my dad passed away and another relationship with a girl at college failed, I went to her house again and her mom was the only one home. I told her I just wanted to make sure Hadley was happy and lied when I said I didn’t want to know where she was. She assured me she was and I knew that I didn’t need to worry about it anymore. When I started at the Elgin police I had to keep myself from using my resources to find her. I was going to let fate step in and it led me right back to her.
If I have any chance at real happiness in my life, not the fake kind that just carries you through, then I have to make her mine again.
Julia walks in the door as soon as the movie ends and the girls jump up excitedly. I look down finding Hadley still snoozing and wait for my sister to come into the living room.
“How could you possibly watch my children when you have a girl in your lap?” she asks hands on her hips.
“Shhh,” I whisper and point down at Hadley. “She is sleeping and the girls were watching Big Hero 6 five feet away from me. They were fine.”
She takes a seat across from me, looking tired. “I can see it,” she says pointing at Hadley.
I stop mid-caress. “What’s that?”
“I can see all the things that love requires.”
I pick up another strand of Hadley’s hair and twirl it around gently. “What are you talking about?”
“Comfort, jealousy, denial at the beginning. The uncontrollable desire to be near one another.” Julia sighs. “I wish I had that.”
Her voice is sad. It’s hard to find a man let alone find one that would accept my nieces or pass my background check. “You will on
e day. But Hadley, she is battling the end of a relationship and with my boss no less.”
Julia’s eyes widen in shock. I haven’t had a chance so I tell her about the events of the previous nights in between her fielding questions from the girls.
“It seems like this is a conflict of interest, Ryder. Is she worth it?”
I look back down into my lap, Hadley’s eyes are open and her face has an unreadable expression. Since day one I’ve never hidden my feelings for Hadley. Not back in high school, not the night at the bar and I sure as shit am not going to hide them here. I never look away from her stare as I say, “She is worth every damn obstacle that life brings my way.”
The drive over to my parent’s house on Sunday morning is short and familiar. They have lived in the same house since I was just four years old. The neighborhood looks the same as when I grew up. Houses that need love and attention and others that got the long awaited makeover are all basically lying on top of one another. As I pull into the driveway, I think about my day with Ryder yesterday. I haven’t felt so alive in so long and when he walked me to my door all I wanted was for his lips to be on mine again. I wanted to pull him inside and into my bedroom. He was a true gentleman and just walked me to my door. My mind is definitely at war with my body, although it wasn’t my body thinking about every door he opened for me, every chair he pulled out or how he remembered things about me I had forgotten about. I smile as I walk into my childhood home.
I make myself all cozy and pour a glass of wine that I brought with me and watch my mother as she makes dinner.
My mother is stunning. Even in her late forties she looks as though she could be in her late twenties. Her medium length brown hair is pulled back into a low ponytail and her petite body is wrapped in a light pink apron. Her green eyes sparkle as she busies herself around the kitchen. I wish she would have passed down her love of cooking to me.
“Honey, can you grab the ground beef out of the fridge?” she asks while stirring her delicious spaghetti sauce.
My mouth waters at the smell, and I cannot wait to taste her lasagna.
“Sure,” I tell her as I walk over to the fridge and pluck the thawed meat off the top shelf. After handing it to her, I lean against the counter with my glass of wine.
“So,” she starts, taking her eyes off of the stove for a brief moment to look at me before turning back to her task. “What do I owe the pleasure of having my daughter for dinner tonight?”
I take a deep breath unsure of how this will go. She has the right to be suspicious. Since I officially moved out of the house after college, I don’t come over enough but I need some advice. Growing up I never really voiced my opinions when it came to my parents or went against their wishes. That was until Ryder came into the picture and turned my world upside down–or right side up at the time.
“Braden and I broke up,” I quickly say, ripping the Band-Aid off. I know how much she loved him.
The spoon drops onto the counter as she turns to me. “Thank God! That guy was a moron!” she exclaims.
Or maybe she didn’t.
“What do you mean thank God?” I ask very confused.
She walks over to the fridge pulling out my bottle of wine and pours a glass for herself before she answers. “I never liked him, honey. He was no good for you but I’m curious as to what happened between the two of you. Things seemed like they were finally starting to get very serious.”
“He was,” I say aloud but really am just thinking it to myself.
Putting the ring on the table made me nervous. I was scared he was going to propose and my first instinct told me to say no. I was actually going to say no to him. After processing that a moment of clarity took over as I realized I no longer felt for him what I used to. I didn’t want that ring. Neither one of us could trust the other anymore. I almost feel as though all the amazing things he had done for me after he felt threatened by Ryder wasn’t something he wanted to do but something he felt like he had to do. I just don’t know what had been real and what hadn’t. I guess, according to his parting words, none of it had been.
My mom pushes more, and I tell her about our depleted relationship. When I mention Ryder’s role in it, her body goes rigid. I was going to stop so she didn’t feel uncomfortable anymore but I felt like I had to go on. I need the advice of my mother so I describe every moment up until yesterday.
She is silent for a minute as she leans her hands on the counter. “Do you still love him, Hadley?”
I shrug, unsure how to respond. “I don’t know, Mom. We were together for two years. I mean I still love him but I don’t think I’m in love with him anymore.”
She reaches over gently taking my upper arms into her hands. “Not Braden. Ryder. Do you still love Ryder?”
The question shocks me. I never told my mother I was in love with him. When I found out I was pregnant after I left I had to tell her a few things about our relationship. I didn’t dare say we had been together all summer and into our senior year. I thought she assumed it was a one-time thing. If she only knew how many times he snuck into my window.
She shakes me slightly bringing me back to her question. “I’m not stupid, Hadley. I wasn’t then and I’m not now. Do. You. Still. Love. Ryder?” She accentuates every word making my knees go weak with each one.
“I...I don’t know. I think I would say the same. That I love him but I’m not in love with him. It’s like a first love kind of thing,” I say honestly. Even after all these years the anguish I felt that day still hurts and blocks out the intense feelings Ryder made me feel. The past couple of weeks I’ve seen glimpses of it.
Swiping my finger under my eye I look to my mother. Her eyes are filling with tears as well. “I know you loved him, Had. I know what I did to Ryder’s father was wrong and I know that your dad and I made that boy to look like the child of the devil but it was our fault. All Ryder’s father did was love me unconditionally but I couldn’t help where my heart led me. Where is your heart leading you?”
I think about that and answer her truthfully, “The only thing I know is that it’s leading me away from Braden. I don’t belong with him.”
That’s the first time I’ve said it out loud and it feels freeing. I haven’t missed him. I wasn’t as co-dependent on him as I thought I was or was pretending to be. There just isn’t any chemistry anymore between the two of us. I had more spark with Ryder caressing my hair on his sister’s couch yesterday than I did the last time I had sex with Braden.
“So, what do you want to ask exactly?” She interrupts my thoughts. “I know you didn’t just want to tell me you and Braden broke up. I’m sure you could have done a fine job of telling me that over the phone.” The pan sizzles as she adds the ground beef to it.
I collect my thoughts trying to figure out how to put what I want to ask into words. “Is it okay? Is it okay to leave such a long relationship and not be sad about it?”
She sets the stove on low and brings me over to the dining room table. I sit across from her as she takes my hands in hers.
“Do you think you aren’t sad because your heart found what it was missing all along?”
My mother is not only beautiful but she is smart and makes you think about things in a way you didn’t before.
“Hey, sweetie,” my dad greets me as he walks in from the garage. “I didn’t expect you to join us tonight.”
He leans over kissing my temple and walks to the sink to wash his hands. I look at my mom and she shakes her head ending our conversation. As understanding as my mom is about the whole situation my dad is another story.
“Yea, well I was just telling Mom that Braden and I broke up.”
He stops drying his hands and glances my way, most likely to assess my mood. “I’m sorry. Do you want to talk about it?”
I shake my head no and he nods before walking back out into the garage. My dad is over six feet tall and has dark brown hair, brown eyes and a heart of gold, but I would never talk to him about my relationships
. He doesn’t even know about the baby.
Dinner is wonderful and quiet so I have time to contemplate my mom’s question. I don’t know if I’m not heartbroken over the end of my relationship with Braden because my heart belonged to Ryder all along. How can that be after what he said about me to his friends? I know we were in high school and it hurt then but things change and we’re grownups now. Right?
“So, why did you two kids break up?” my dad asks between bites. He’s eating it faster than I am. No one bakes a mean lasagna like Mrs. Chase.
My mother’s fork clings on the table and I look to her for how to proceed. She answers for me and I’m stunned by what comes out of her mouth. “She’s in love with someone else.”
I stare at her, wide-eyed, angry, scared and confused. “Mom.”
“Someone else?” My dad interrupts. “Who? I thought things were good. Braden was here six weeks ago asking for your hand in marriage.”
This doesn’t surprise me. “It’s no one, Dad.” I brush it off hoping to drop the subject.
My mother doesn’t take the hint.
“Ryder Blake,” she speaks confidently looking dead into his eyes but she is stoic as she waits for his response. She has to know this won’t go well.
“I’m not in love with...” I start but my father’s hand comes up to stop me. I feel like I’m seventeen again and scared to death of what he would say.
“Ryder Blake?” His tone is heated. “Ryan’s boy?”
Nodding her head yes, my mom reaches over and grabs a napkin to wipe off her hands. “Yes. The boy who came to our house after Hadley left to live with my sister.”
I jump as his hands slam down on the table. “What the hell is going on? One minute you’re about to get proposed to and the next...” he turns his attention to me, “you’re with that asshole’s son!?”
“She loves him,” my mother speaks calmly. My insides start to cramp with nervousness.
“Mom,” I warn.
“No, Hadley. If anyone should understand it would be your father. I couldn’t help who I loved as much as he couldn’t.” She looks at him. “I know you didn’t want to go after your best friend’s girlfriend but you did and look what we have. We might not have a lot of money but we have each other and we have a beautiful daughter who despite all the bullshit Braden just put her through she is sitting here smiling because of that boy.”