A Whisper To A Scream

by S. B. Addison Books

  When Adam sat across from Ellory in the car, he felt something, the depth of emotion inside of him expanding. That frightened him and thrilled him at the same time. Was there hope for him? Was there a chance he could be normal?

  “Am I losing it?” Adam asked himself as he paced back and forth across his front porch. He never thought he would ever be able to think those three words. Three magical words. But he did, he thought about saying them. He considered telling Ellory he loved her. The moment he thought about them, his heart stopped beating. He felt emotion. The first he’d ever felt in his life.

  When he first came to Burton, his heart was made of ice. Now, the more time he spent with Ellory, the more he felt the slick, crystallized water surrounding his cardiovascular organ shattering. He remained baffled. How could one girl make him feel when all of the others couldn‘t?

  Sure, he had carnal instincts just like any other guy. In Chicago, he’d hooked with at least a dozen girls to satisfy those needs. And most of them were only one night stands because he had to fight off his inner demon to keep himself from killing the girl he’d just hooked up with.

  Afterwards, he’d rush out of the room. He’d start hyperventilating. He’d pace back and forth in front of the door, trying to convince himself not to go back inside.

  That’s how it always was when he got his urges. He had two voices in his head that constantly spoke to him. The better part of him would try to keep him calm and focused, while the devilish part of him screamed, “Blood! Blood! Blood!”

  It took him years to get the bad part of him under control. He’d read about people just like him who had gone on killing spree’s sprees and wound up in jail for life, or worse, sitting on death row. As much as it pained him to contain the urges, he didn’t want to wind up like those people.

  Even if Ellory made him feel, the dark part of him was still there, hibernating. As long as Ellory was around, he didn’t see him but, but when she wasn’t he caught a glimpse of him, like the other day with Katie, in the library.

  Katie was trying to be intimate. She had ran her fingers along Adam’s forearm. The feel of her touch made his skin crawl and he couldn’t completely focus on that because he had been imagining blood pouring from her neck.

  She had been trying for some time to get him to succumb to her flirtations. Adam tolerated her, because he knew that she was like a mosquito bite— the more you scratched— the faster the sting went away. If he quit talking to her, period, she would annoy him ten times more. He knew that if he did keep talking to her, she’d eventually give up when he kept refusing her.

  He sat down on the steps of his front porch and held his head in his hands. Sometimes it bothered him that he couldn’t decide who he wanted to be. The good Adam or the bad Adam and thus far, he’d seen more of the bad Adam than he’d seen of the good Adam.

  He wished it was easier for him to be good. But it wasn’t. It was so much easier for him to be bad. So very, very bad.

  He thought of himself as a vampire—except for the fact that he didn’t drink blood. And for the fact that vampires were mythical creatures anyway.

  Yet, Adam and vampires were so similar. They both craved blood. Not in the same sense because vampires needed it to live, but because they both wanted it. They both got a certain high from blood and they both would kill for it.

  Adam needed to get a hold of himself. He needed to go find Ellory. She, and she alone, would put his mind at ease. He rose up from the steps and turned toward the front door. He put his hand on the knob and turned it. And that was when he heard…. The footsteps.

  He whipped around and saw Katie Halston, stumbling through his front yard. He dropped his hand at his side. Stay or go? He debated with himself. He knew that if he went inside and tried to find Ellory, that the good Adam would prevail. But, if he stayed out here with Katie, the monster would come out, and most likely, Katie Halston would wind up on tomorrow’s news as a missing person.

  He reached out, almost touching the door knob. The sound of Katie’s footsteps throbbed in his ears. He looked up at her. She met his gaze. “Oh, hi, Adam,” she giggled. His palms started to sweat. His hands were shaking. If only she didn’t speak to him. Don’t look at her. Adam, don’t look at her. She came closer. The sound of her footsteps pounded against the hollow wooden steps. “Where are you going in such a hurry? Are you avoiding me?”

  He wanted to shout, Yes, you moron! I am avoiding you! Only because I’m trying to save your life! Katie inched closer, and when she was directly behind him she placed her hand on his shoulder. Adam turned slowly. He didn’t even look at her face. His eyes went straight to her neck.

  His fantasy started with little droplets of blood forming on her neck like a red pearl necklace. They grew bigger and bigger, until they looked like red bubbles that were just about to pop. They spilled over, dripping down the front of her shirt, forming little puddles at her feet.

  Adam finally met her gaze, a charming, trusting smile on his face and a wicked gleam in his eye. “No, Katie. I wasn’t avoiding you,” he said. “I have something to show you.”

  “Really, what it is it? It isn’t something scary, is it?”

  He took her hand and led her off of the front porch and into the darkness. “No. It isn’t scary. I’m sure you’ll love it.” In Adam’s case, the bad definitely outweighed the good. For Katie Halston, that was a terrible, terrible thing.

  Chapter 22: My Forever

  I don’t know what time it is when Adam comes in, but I hear someone fiddling with the lock and I open one eye, glancing at the alarm clock on his nightstand. It’s 1:30 in the morning. The door creaks open. Footsteps plug up my hearing and stop abruptly. I roll over and Adam freezes. “What are you still doing here?”

  I sit up and motion for him to come closer. He doesn’t move. “Come here,” I say softly and hold my arms out.

  He flinches and looks away. “Just go home, Ellory.”

  His words kill me. I swear I can feel my organs shutting down. One-by-one the ache consumes me. I exhale, but stay strong. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  “I want you to leave!” Bluish veins protrude from his neck and his cheeks are a fiery red. “Get out!”

  I shake my head. “No.” I stand my ground. “Whatever you think you are can’t be that bad, Adam. And even if it is, I don’t care. So quit pushing me away.”

  His jaw locks and he snarls, “You don’t know anything about me. What kind of person I am or what I’m capable of. So just leave.”

  I know he doesn’t mean what he’s saying. He can’t. “Adam I know you don’t mean this.” My throat hurts and I bite back tears. “I can help you. I love you.”

  “You can’t help me! I’m not a broken lamp! You can’t fix me, damn it!”

  He’s on the borderline of rage and hysteria. He’s shaking and seeing him like this tears me up inside. I move closer and try to hold him, but he backs away. “Stop shutting me out.”

  “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you to get out!” He paces in front of me. “I don’t want you here!”

  “You’re lying!” I slam my foot into the floor. “What’s wrong with you? One minute you tell me you can’t function without me. The next you tell me you want me to leave!”

  He’s silent for a moment. He breathes heavily and raspy like he’s suffocating and every breath of air he sucks in is precious. “I was confused about you,” he tells me. There’s no emotion at all in his voice. He tenses up, a chilling, yet frightening look on his face. “I don’t feel anything for you. I’m sorry I led you on.”

  A sickening pain cuts through my stomach. I hunch over, wrapping my hands around the back of my knees. I can’t breathe. I keep telling myself he’s lying. I keep telling myself that eventually he’ll break down and tell me he’s sorry. He’ll tell me that he doesn’t know what’s come over him. But he doesn’t and the incessant pain inside of me clutches onto me tighter and doesn’t let go. I hit my knees as the pain spreads. It travels through m
e like a virus, branching off and infecting a different portion of my body. All of my limbs hang heavy. My heart is hollow. The walls in Adam’s room are closing in and in seconds I’m afraid they’ll smother me to death. Is this what heartbreak feels like?

  Before I know it, I’m sprinting through Adam’s yard. Away from his house. Away from him. I wish I was the way I was before I met Adam—numb. To everyone and everything. Just another person walking around closed off, unable to feel. I was an emotional zombie and I liked that way.

  I charge forward faster, muscles in my thigh stretch and my calves are sore. I don’t care though. I don’t care if I make it home. I don’t care if I fade into the darkness and never see the light again. All I want to do is run. Run until my lungs collapse. I want to run until my feet bleed. Somehow running helps the emptiness from growing inside of me. Running helps ease the pain.

  The sounds of night crawl on my skin like earthworms after a rainstorm. Crickets chirping. Long grass swaying. Someone has burned a pile of leaves and the charred scent of ash and death swirls through the wind. The only light I have is the moon and soon the sky lantern is blanketed by a mass of thick grey clouds and I can’t see anything at all.

  Still I keep going. Until I can’t anymore.

  Half-way to my house I slow down, feeling light-headed and woozy. I stagger, trying to push myself further. It’s not that far. I squint, breathless. I can see the red bricks from here. I lose my balance and hunch forward. I’m falling. I know it’s only a short drop, but I feel like I’ve just thrown myself off a cliff. My face skims the wet grass and a searing pain travels along my jawline.

  I don’t want to move. I don’t have the physical or emotional strength to go any further. Another deep, rippling pain takes hold of my heart and I curl up into a ball, clutching my sides. Then my eyes water up. Tears brim over the edges. Finally the dam of my lower lid gives way and the tears rain down my cheeks. Every time I try to stop more come out harder and faster. I haven’t cried in years. Now I know why. You truly know that you’ve been damaged when the only thing you can do is curl up into a ball and cry about it.

  Chapter 23: Mended

  Mom is watching me sleep. I can feel her eyes on me. My eyelids flutter open and I shield my eyes as Mom peels back the blinds and the bright sun penetrates my gaze. Mom gives me a worried glance. “Sweetheart, are you okay?”

  I sit up and blink several times. “I’m fine,” I rasp then clear my throat.

  But I’m not fine and I’m not sure I ever will be. How long does it take for a broken heart to heal? One week? One month?

  The phone rings. Mom stares at me, concerned for another second then leaves my room.

  I fall back on my bed. Dust particles float in the air like shimmering specs of glitter. I feel like a dust particle. I’m floating in nothingness, not sure where I’m going to land or if I’m going to land at all. Mom left my door open and I can hear her yapping all the way down the hall. I was going to ask her if she’d take me to the mall to look for a homecoming dress, but I don’t think I need one anymore.

  Mom appears in my doorway and props herself up against the frame. I sit up on my elbows and examine the haunted look on her face. “What is it?”

  “That was Gloria Halston on the phone,” she says mechanically. “Katie never came home last night.”

  “And why did Gloria feel the need to call you?”

  “She wanted to know if you’d seen Katie.”

  “I saw her last night at Adam’s party.”

  “Did she say anything to you?”

  I think about the conversation Katie and I had. There weren’t any important details in it. “Not really.” I stand. “Look, Mom. I wouldn’t worry about it. She probably hooked up with a townie in a motel room or something.”

  “Gloria said it’s not like her to just not come home or not call.”

  I roll my eyes as I walk to my closet. Thumbing through my faded jeans I throw Mom an empty glance. “Let’s face it. She’s not me.”

  Mom frowns. “This isn’t a joke, Ellory. Something bad could have happened to her.”

  “Seriously, Mom.” I remove and pair of jeans and t-shirt. “I wouldn’t worry too much. She’ll probably be home by the end of the day.”

  “I don’t want you going out after dark the rest of the weekend.”

  I don’t object. I’m too broken inside to function around people. I stop next to Mom in the doorway. “I’ll be in the shower if you need me.” She plants a kiss on my cheek as I turn the corner.

  Hot water pelts against my skin like melted hail on a humid summer day. I am tucked into a ball, chin to my knees, sitting directly underneath the showerhead. Plunking droplets hammer through the bathroom as some of the scorching fluid misses my body and lands on the floor of the ceramic bathtub. I’m thankful that cleaning yourself creates noise. I’m thankful for the water because it’s drowning out the sound of sobs leaving my throat. I wonder if it’s always like this. Like you’ve been holding in your tears for so long that eventually you just can’t handle it anymore and they all flood out at once. That’s how I feel now. There are no more tears, but I still feel like I’m crying.

  After I dry my hair and get dressed, I sit in my backyard in the spot where Adam and I had our first kiss. I picture that moment so clear and vividly. Then I stop. I have to stop to thinking about the way his kiss felt, the way his touch felt. I have stop thinking about him in general. I know if I don’t it will eventually drive me crazy. I’m already half-way there.

  Then I think it might be too soon. Maybe I should get over Adam gradually, like in stages.

  My back pocket vibrates. I pull out my phone. A text from Wren.

  Did you hear about Katie?

  I don’t feel like texting her back. Even though I probably should because I’m not sure how much longer I can keep everything involving my break-up with Adam to myself. Wren will be there for me. She will help me through it.

  Adam’s house looks like a pebble from where I sit. Part of me wonders what he’s doing or how he feels about everything. Another part of me wishes that he would just vanish. The fact that I don’t have to see him for two more days makes it easier. But come Monday, I’m certain the pain inside of me will spiral out of control when I have to endure the torture of seeing his beautiful face. I hope the earth blows up before then. Maybe I’ll get lucky. I doubt it.

  Mom calls for me and I give up on watching Adam’s house. Nothing much has happened anyway from what I can see. At one point a two people, probably his mother and father, walked from a black car to the porch and then walked through the front door. Adam’s car a yellow dot that resembles a gumball has been in the same spot for as long as I’ve been sitting outside.

  Grease crackles and pops as Mom places another piece of breaded chicken in the frying pan. An enticing aroma of Italian breadcrumbs and garlic salt floats in the air and I inhale. The only problem is I have no appetite. I slide a chair out and sit down as Mom flips the piece of chicken over. “You hungry?” she asks. I dip my chin down in a slight nod. I have to lie. I have to keep up the façade that I’m whole because I can’t let Mom know I’m actually in pieces. I’m shredded like grated cheddar. “Wren called,” she says. “She says she’s been trying to get a hold of you, but you haven’t been answering your phone.”

  I glance at my nail beds. “I’ll call her back later.”

  The rest of the day doesn’t consist of anything. I eat a few bites of chicken and Mom watches me, and then asks if I’m feeling okay. I tell her I’m fine and that I’m just not as hungry as I thought I was. I help her clean up then go to my room. I’m in a Pink Floyd kind of mood and I rummage through my drawers looking for my copy of Dark Side of the Moon. I yank open the top drawer of my dresser and take a step back. Navy blue spills over the edges of the drawer like the choppy waters of the Atlantic. I reach out caressing the fabric; it’s rough, yet soft. My fingers glide across the sweater several times before I pull it to my chest, hugging it tight. I sm
ell him and it rips me open, like a flesh eating carnivore has been feeding on my insides.

  I need to give this back to him. I can’t have any reminders of him around. Just his scent, a mixture of his cologne and soap, makes me feel like I’m lying at the bottom of a canyon, limbs sprawled out, spine broken, blood flowing from my head. I place my ear against the wall. Mom snores so loud I can hear her through the wall. I won’t be gone more than a half-hour. I don’t think she’ll be up before then. So I roll the sweater up in a ball, tuck it under my right arm and climb out my window.

  Chapter 24: The Monster Inside Me

  Adam stood in front of the window in the cottage he’d converted into an art studio. He was thankful to be out of his house. The second his parent’s walked through the door, an argument exploded between them.

  Adam had been in his bedroom, lying down when he’d heard the front door slam and his mother’s wild shriek. They’d been fighting a lot lately. He couldn’t pretend to understand what was going on between them when they’d always been so secretive about everything. But just before Adam had walked out the door to escape the madness, he’d heard his mother as she shouted, “Of course not! Because I’ll never be like her!” Then he’d heard the sound of a plate shattering. He’d assumed that his mother threw it at his father and his father ducked and then the plate crashed into one of the cupboards.

  A flash of moonlight seeping through the window hit his face. Adam closed his eyes and a soft sigh crept out of his throat. He thought of Ellory. Yesterday he’d pushed her away. He’d lied to her when he told he’d led her on and that he didn’t feel anything for her. He did. He felt too much—which is why he’d pushed her away. To save her from himself. Even though he knew he’d never harm her, he didn’t want her to see this side of him. The monster.

  Katie was coming to behind him. He’d knocked her out a twice already and the chloroform he’d used wore off too quick for his taste. He stayed very still listening to the sound of her whimpering. An evil grin spread across his lips and a wicked gleam sparked in his blue-green eyes.