by LJ Baker
“That night, after celebrating our engagement with everyone we knew, Greg had to be up for work, so he insisted we go home. We’d both had too much to drink, but I was the one who got behind the wheel. It was like a contest with us. We would argue over who was more able to drive. It didn’t matter that neither of us should have been behind the wheel. It mattered that I thought I could handle it, even though I’d probably had like ten drinks. In my mind, I was fine.”
“Oh, Mandy.” Toby frowned and tried to grab her hand again, but she pulled away. She didn’t deserve his comfort. Not for this.
“I remember getting about three miles from home. We passed the park where we once had sex on the jungle gym. He’d point it out every time we went by to remind me how much fun we’d had that night. I turned my head to look at the park and the car swerved. Greg grabbed the wheel and told me to pull over, that he would drive the rest of the way. But I was being stubborn and told him I was fine.
The next thing I remember, was waking up in the hospital, three weeks later. Greg was dead. The police thought he’d been driving. Since he’d been thrown from the car, and I’d been found between the front seats, they just assumed it was him behind the wheel. I should have been put in jail, but I walked out of that hospital with nothing more than a few broken ribs and a sprained ankle.”
“And you lost the man you loved. You don’t think that’s suffering enough?”
“No. Greg’s dead. It was my fault. I should have been put in jail.”
“So you’ve been punishing yourself for the past three years. No sex, no relationships, no letting anyone get close.”
“I guess you could look at it that way. It was Greg’s idea to start the liquor distribution business. He wanted to do it with me. We were going to drink and go to bars and build up an amazing client list. We’d make lots of money and hire other people to do the work eventually, then we’d retire at forty and live in a shack on the beach. It was his dream, but I was all in. It was going to be our life… together.”
“So he’s gone and you’re working your ass off to make his dream come true. Alone.”
“Like I said, I wanted it too.”
“You need to find what makes you happy, not what a ghost would have wanted. He’s gone, Mandy. I’m sorry, but it’s true. You have a right to be happy.”
“Didn’t you listen to me at all? I killed him. I don’t have any rights at all.”
“He was a grown man and he knew what he was doing getting into that car. You don’t even know if it would have been different if you weren’t driving. Maybe if it had been him, you would be the one six feet under.”
“I’d rather it was me.”
“Don’t say that. And it doesn’t matter anyway. You’re alive. Don’t you think he would want you to be happy?”
“I guess.”
“Then why don’t you let yourself be?”
“I’m trying. That’s why I’m working so hard to make this business work out. I really do want it. At least I think I do. Relationships are a different story. Greg and I were going to be married. Being with someone else, it just… it feels…”
“Like cheating?”
Amanda nodded and a single tear fell down her cheek. She swiped it away as quickly as it had come. She wasn’t the kind of girl to cry over things she couldn’t change. She was stronger than that. It wasn’t like tears could solve her problems, or make her life better, and they definitely couldn’t bring Greg back.
“It’s not cheating, baby girl. And it’s been almost three years. You can’t wait forever. You need to live your life the way you would want him to, if it had been you that died.”
She’d never thought about it like that before. She wouldn’t have wanted Greg to stop living because she was gone. She wouldn’t have wanted him to move on right away, but she would have wanted him to get to that place, to find peace.
Rationally, she knew Toby was right. She’s kept herself stuck, living a life that was devoid of actual living. Greg wouldn’t have wanted that for her. He was too full of life, too fun, too focused on moving forward in everything he did. But that didn’t change anything. It wasn’t like she could rationalize away her grief and guilt.
“Let me ask you something.”
“Yeah?”
“How did it feel when you kissed Luc?”
Amanda didn’t want to talk about that stupid kiss anymore. It was clearly a mistake and it made no sense to keep going over it. “Toby, I—”
“No. No excuses, no avoiding, just take a moment to really think about it, then answer my question. I need you to trust me on this.”
“Fine.” She closed her eyes for a moment and recalled the kiss. After a deep breath, she allowed herself to go back to that moment, to relive the sensations, the warmth, the way it made her tingle deep in her belly. “It felt nice.”
“Um, I can see that goofy grin on your face and it’s not saying nice.”
“It doesn’t matter, Toby. It’s not going to happen again.”
“Why not?”
“Seriously, you never listen to anything I say.”
“Of course I do. I just heard you say you were blaming yourself for Greg’s death and I know you know that’s bullshit. I also heard you say you thought that kiss was super amazing.”
“That’s not at all what I said.”
“Okay, but it’s what you were thinking.”
She tried not to smile, but she was failing miserably. “Okay, so the kiss was amazing. But it doesn’t change anything. It really is important to me to focus on the business right now and I don’t think that’s unreasonable.”
“It’s not, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a little fun too. Mandy, I know you don’t believe this, but you do deserve it.”
He was right. She didn’t believe it, but he was also right that Greg wouldn’t want her to shut herself off like this. But what choice did she have? How could she move on with her life and forget all about him and what she’d done?
Let’s say that I acknowledged that you were right. It doesn’t change anything in this situation.”
“How so?”
“It doesn’t matter how much I might have liked that kiss with Luc. I need to keep a professional relationship with him. I need him to spread a good word about me. This is an important opportunity for me to get a lot of other business. This can be the big break I’ve been waiting for over the past two years. If I go messing things up with him, then I lose all that.”
“It was a kiss, Mandy. You don’t have to marry the guy. It’s okay to let him know up front that you’re not looking for anything serious. People do have no strings attached relationships. You know casual sex?”
Amanda sighed. “I’ve had plenty of casual sex, Toby. Too much, in fact. I remember that part of my life. It was my life, until Greg anyway. Why is it so important to you for me to go back to that?”
“Because you’re in your twenties, baby girl. You spend all your time drinking yourself stupid and working. You need more. I can see it on your face and hear it when you cry in your sleep.”
“I don’t do that.”
“Yes, you do.”
Amanda was one of those people who didn’t remember her dreams. It used to bother her, but after the last couple years, she was actually grateful for it.
“What do you expect me to do about it?”
“Kiss the boy.”
“I did.”
“Again. Once you can write off. Do it again, and if you still feel the same way, then I’ll leave you alone about it… for now.”
“Just a kiss… and you’ll shut your mouth and let me live my life, my way?”
“Yes. For now.”
“Fine. I’ll kiss him again.”
CHAPTER NINE
“Why do you look nervous?” Harley stood in front of Luc, blocking his pacing.
“Nervous? I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m the devil, I don’t get nervous.” Luc huffed and walked around Harley to continue his p
acing.
“Normally, I’d agree, but I’m standing here watching you walk a path into the tile. Come on, spill it.”
“It’s nothing. You’re imagining things.” Luc forced himself over to the bar and poured himself a drink.
Harley stared at him for a few agonizing moments, then hopped up on the bar next to him. “Ah ha!”
“Was that a sneeze?”
“No. I know what’s making you anxious.”
“Anxious.” Luc snorted. “I don’t get anxious.”
“Today is the day Amanda comes in for a delivery.”
“And why exactly do you think that would make me anxious?”
“Because it’s the first time you’ve seen her since the infamous kiss. I’m right. Tell me I’m right.”
“You’re wrong. I mean yes, it’s the first time I’ve seen her since she kissed me, which wasn’t infamous by the way drama queen. But I hadn’t even thought about it since you brought it up. It’s not a big deal.”
“You’re such a liar, Lucifer.”
“I’m a lot of things, Harley Saxon, but I am not a liar.”
“You’re a dirty filthy liar.”
“Stop saying that.” Luc downed his drink and poured another. He was going to need a lot more of those to deal with Harley today.
“Okay, fine. You’re in denial. You haven’t seen her in a few days, and the last time you did, she kissed you. Don’t tell me that you haven’t thought about it?”
Luc had thought about it all right. In fact, it had haunted him for the whole first day. Then he did something that was probably breaking the rules, so he didn’t mention it to Harley. He used the mirror and looked into Amanda’s life.
“Fine, I’ve thought about it.” Luc gulped down the second drink and grabbed the bottle to pour another, but Harley stopped him.
“There’s something you’re not telling me.”
“Such as?”
“I don’t know. You tell me.”
“You know so much, you must already know what I’m thinking. Besides, it doesn’t matter what I answer, you will tell me I’m wrong. Female logic.”
“Lucifer Morningstar, you tell me right now what you’re hiding. Did you see her without telling me?”
“Not exactly.”
“What does that mean? Either you saw her, or you didn’t. Which is it.”
“Maybe you could define see her?”
Harley scrunched her forehead into a tight line and glared at him. After what seemed like a painful amount of time, her eyes popped wide and she slapped him on the arm. “You looked in the mirror, didn’t you?”
Luc hated to admit it, but there was no use lying to Harley. Not only would she know, but he’d feel guilty. She was his best friend, after all.
“Okay, fine. Yes, I used the mirror to get a little more information. I’m not used to having to try so hard, and without being able to use my powers, this was all turning into a big waste of time.”
“That’s cheating and you know it.”
“It was a little gray. You didn’t specifically say I couldn’t do that. I mean, we do use the mirror to see the girls to start.”
“Yes, I do it, to introduce you to them. That doesn’t mean that you can spy on them any time you please. That is most definitely cheating.”
“Okay, well now that we’ve gone over that, I know. Sorry, I won’t do it again. Now can we please stop talking about this?”
“Definitely not. What did you see?”
“Don’t you already know all about her?”
“I know a lot, but I want to know what you know.”
Luc pulled the bottle back from Harley and took a swig right off it. He hadn’t yet processed what he’d seen and he wasn’t sure how to explain it to Harley.
“Just her and the roommate having breakfast. No big deal.”
“If it was no big deal, you wouldn’t be drinking off the bottle of a $500 tequila like a wino who just hit the lottery. You also wouldn’t have that gray tone to your skin. Spit it out, I’m losing patience.”
“Since when do you have patience?”
“Exactly.”
She wasn’t going to let it go. He knew he had to talk to her to get the hell out of there. Even if he chose the latter, she’d hunt him down later and force it out of him. Sometimes he wondered why he let her get away with the things she did. Or maybe it was because she pushed him like that, she was his best friend.
“Did you know she has a dead fiancé?”
“I might have known that.”
“Did you know she was the one who killed him?”
“I wouldn’t put it that way. It was an accident… one that was bound to happen to be honest.”
“She blames herself for his death. That’s why she won’t come near me. Not only is she still grieving, but she’s pretty much sworn off men.”
“And yet, she kissed you.”
“A momentary lack of judgment that she has no intention of repeating.”
“Somehow I doubt that.” Harley took the tequila from Luc and took a long pull off the bottle. “Once you go devil you can’t go back.”
“You had no problem. And Ronnie Falcon is managing to stay away from me just fine. Your logic is flawed.”
“Okay, fine. But it’s been three years since that finance of hers died. And since she kissed you, I’m thinking somewhere deep inside her, she’s ready to move on.”
“How deep though? Because we only have a couple of weeks left and all I know about her, I learned through a mirror. We’re strangers. Even if this girl is my soul mate, which I highly doubt, I’ll never find out at this rate. We might as well give up on this whole month and just move on to the next sin.”
“We are absolutely not going to do that. I still have hope for Ms. Gluttony.”
“Didn’t we agree not to call her that?”
“See, you’re already protective of her. That’s a good sign.”
Luc shook his head. “Seriously, Harley. This isn’t going to work out.”
“What’s not going to work out?” Amanda appeared behind them with a clipboard in her hand. “Is this a bad time?” She stepped from foot to foot, not making eye contact with either of them.
“Not at all,” Harley said. “I was just going in back to do some inventory. He’s all yours.” She winked and disappeared from the bar.
“Ignore her. She clearly should be on heavy medication.”
“Nah, she’s great.” Amanda flashed her eyes up to Luc’s and immediately dropped them to her feet. Her face grew splotchy and red. Luc imagined she was trying to find a way to get out of being left alone with him. The last thing he wanted was to make her suffer. He’d play along and talk business, then let her go. There was no reason to prolong the agony. The poor girl didn’t deserve that. She was already putting herself through enough misery.
“You have the invoice there?” Luc nodded toward her clipboard.
“Yeah, I have the boxes in my van. Here’s the list of everything we agreed on, plus a few extra things to try out. At no charge, of course. I thought you’d like to sample some new brands I found this week to see if they might work for the club. I spoke with some of the customers while I was here last time and they seemed to be in favor of some new tastes.”
“Sounds good.” Luc took the list from her and looked over it. He’d actually heard of a few of the brands and had been wanting to give them a try. He loved a woman who could anticipate his needs. Though he probably shouldn’t tell her that.
“Do you have a delivery entrance I can pull around to and unload what I have?” Amanda looped her thumbs into her jeans and stepped side to side.
“Yeah of course. Right around the back of the building. Just pull around and I’ll have someone unload the boxes.”
“I can handle that.” She spun around to leave and Luc caught her arm. For a quick moment, he thought she would pull away, but she stayed in his grasp, resonating a warm hum that passed between them.
“I have staff
for that. You just let them know what goes, and they’ll carry in the boxes and put them away. It’s easier for me since they know where everything goes.”
“Oh, okay.” She nodded. “That’s fine too.” After a long moment of his hand wrapped around her arm, and the both of them locked into a stare, she started to turn, and he released her. There was something about the unspoken message between them. It was clear that neither wanted to part, to unload vans, or talk about liquor inventory.
They wanted connection.
The way they had the last time they were together.
The way they had when they kissed.
But neither was willing to make the move.
***
Even the back of the club was out of her league. Amanda pulled the van into the delivery bay and pulled up to the back. Two men, who looked like they could be brothers, met her and she showed them which boxes were staying, which was pretty much everything.
Without the Devil’s Playpen, she didn’t have enough business to buy cereal and milk for the week, much less rent and bills. There wasn’t much overheard, but she did have to pay for the alcohol, gas, and the insurance on the van. Running a small business wasn’t easy in a bad economy. Doing it with no real contacts, was impossible. That was why making things work with Luc was so important.
The way it felt with his hand on her arm though. That almost made her want to say screw it and risk it all. Not that she would do that. Amanda knew what was important. Greg’s dream. Their business. It had been all he’d ever wanted for this point in their lives. Now he was dead and she was on her own. She would be damned if she’d let him down.
“Something wrong?” Luc appeared from nowhere behind her and she jumped a little at the sound of his voice.
“No, uh, just thinking.”
About how much she wanted to kiss him again.
No, she reprimanded her thoughts, about how important this business is and what it meant to Greg. It was her fault he was gone and now it was up to her to live the life he couldn’t.
“Can I persuade you to share some of those thoughts?” Luc winked the way he did, making her insides go weak. He had to know the impact he had on women. With that body and his God-like good looks, there was no way Lucifer Morningstar didn’t know his effect on members of the opposite sex. Well, and the same sex, by the way Toby acted like a schoolgirl every time he was around the guy.