She allowed him to wrap her in his arms even though she knew she didn’t deserve his sympathy. He didn’t know the full story yet. The smell of dust and sweat tickled her nostrils as she inhaled one last breath to steel herself. ‘We met Elsa by the lake,’ she began.
James pulled away slightly. ‘I thought she didn’t exist?’
‘Yes, of course – I mean Elsie,’ she said. ‘But she was confused again and worse than before. She was really upset.’
‘And the kids? They were still with you at that point?’
Maggie bit her lip. She felt like a child herself and fought the impulse to run away. ‘Yes.’
‘Why do I get the feeling you’re going to tell me that’s when Mum turned up? Was that why she took the boys away?’
For the first time in a long time, Maggie couldn’t read James’s voice. It was devoid of emotion as if he hadn’t quite decided how he should be feeling.
‘Elsie was sobbing, James. She was on her own and I couldn’t leave her.’
‘You weren’t on your own, though. You were in charge of a seven- and nine-year-old.’
‘I was watching over them too. They were playing with the boat and they were lovely; they even helped Elsie collect up some of the things she’d dropped,’ Maggie said. ‘I’m not saying they weren’t scared but I think they were more worried about me than anything.’
‘And I bet Mum loved coming to the rescue.’
‘If I could have split myself into two I would have done. I know the boys needed me but Judith was there by then,’ Maggie said as she tried to defend the indefensible.
‘And doesn’t this Elsie have family of her own? Where were they? Why should you be expected to come to the rescue all the time?’
‘Her husband did turn up eventually,’ she said. ‘But I’m not sure about him, James. I can’t help wondering why she would rather jump in the lake than face the prospect of her husband caring for her.’
James wasn’t listening. ‘I don’t want to seem heartless, but we’ve got enough going on in our own lives as it is. This could have been your chance to prove to Mum exactly how capable you are at looking after the boys.’
‘It’s not like I haven’t looked after them before,’ Maggie said but then a spark of anger caught her off-guard. ‘And why do I have to prove myself anyway? What gives her the right to make me feel like I’m auditioning for a role in her family every time I see her?’
‘I’m not even getting into that argument now. The point is we were meant to spend as much time as we could together as a family this week.’
‘Really? So where have you been all day?’ Maggie reminded him.
‘OK, I know. I let them down too,’ James said, ready as always to back down from an argument but the gentleness in his voice was forced. ‘So now all I have to do is prise the kids back from their nan’s clutches. I’ll give her a ring.’
‘Sorry,’ Maggie said, although she wasn’t sure what she was apologising for any more. She wasn’t the only one at fault and she hoped James wouldn’t lose sight of that when he spoke to his mother.
‘I know you want to help this old lady of yours, but you should have put the kids first,’ he said as he moved towards the living room. His footsteps sounded heavy but Maggie thought better than to remind him to take off his boots.
Maggie sat down on the stairs and buried her head in her hands as she listened to James’s conversation with his mum. With each response, his voice grew more and more distant.
‘I suppose,’ he was saying. ‘If that’s what they want.’ A pause, then a sigh. ‘OK, Mum. Tell them to behave. I’ll pick them up first thing tomorrow.’
When James returned to the hall, he was in his stocking feet. He didn’t so much drop his boots onto the shoe rack as he did launch them at it and a waterfall of shoes tumbled to the floor. ‘They’re shattered and ready for bed so I said I’d pick them up tomorrow. And, surprise, surprise, they’ve just got back from the zoo.’
Maggie’s body tensed as she held back her annoyance. ‘We’ll find something else to do with them, something extra special,’ she promised but James wasn’t listening. He swept past her and up the stairs, closing the bathroom door before she had finished the sentence.
Alone, Maggie was forced to accept that she was no match for her mother-in-law and she could almost admire her. Not only had Judith got her own way with the boys but she had demonstrated quite succinctly how Maggie wasn’t up to the job of wife and mother. She certainly had Maggie convinced.
The sense of unease that had settled over the Carter household had been impossible to dispel and Maggie felt no less alone while James was in the house than she did when he left to collect his sons the next morning. She was standing in the hallway, listening to his car speeding off, when another sound caught her attention. It was the creak of iron gates as Victoria Park welcomed in another visitor.
Five minutes later, the gates creaked again when Maggie opened them. Her jacket was thin but warm enough for a spring morning. The rain was a fine mist that didn’t so much fall as float around her, sneaking under her hood and soaking her face and neck. If Harvey was objecting to the damp weather then he was hiding it well and didn’t complain when she stopped at the side of the lake.
The bench was soaking wet but Maggie was too absorbed in what was going on inside her head to react to the cold shock of wet jeans pressing against the back of her legs as she sat down.
‘I give up,’ she said above the hiss of raindrops hitting the surface of the lake. ‘I’m not going to sink but how do I swim?’
She waited patiently for an answer and when it didn’t come, her hand searched out the tiniest shred of comfort from the flaking paint on the empty seat next to her. ‘I want you here, Mum,’ she whispered, digging her fingers into one of the bench’s open wounds. ‘I can’t do this on my own.’
James had been right. She should have put Liam and Sam first. She had failed again and her sense of defeat had crushed the little self-confidence she thought she had regained. She didn’t want to face a future where she would be put to the test time and time again. And with people like Judith around, she would always be tested.
Her desperate search for a long-lost connection was rewarded with sharp pain as a splinter bit into her fingertip. She sucked her wound and tasted blood. The pain was fleeting but enough to shock her out of her self-indulgent misery. She returned her hand to the empty space next to her only this time she placed the palm of her hand flat against its surface. She would have to dip into her own memories rather than the splintered wood to find the comfort she had sought.
She tried to recall a time in her life when giving up wouldn’t have been an option and clung to the first memory that sprang to mind. Joan had borrowed a bike from a friend of Maggie’s one summer and had taught her how to ride it. She had listened to her mum’s instructions behind her and concentrated on the vibration of the wheels as she rode along the park’s main avenue, adjusting course whenever she ventured on to grass. She had fallen off a few times but had picked herself up again and again. It was never going to be a regular form of transport but Maggie had proved to everyone, most importantly to herself, that she could do it, and the sense of exhilaration had been worth the scraped knees.
What would her mum be telling her now? she asked herself.
By the time James arrived home with Liam and Sam, she had found her answer. It was time to stop agonising over how to be a good wife and mother. She simply had to pick herself up and try again. Returning home, once she and Harvey had dried off, Maggie headed straight for the kitchen. Her empty home was in need of some aromatherapy but not necessarily the kind that could be found in a bottle. The warm and welcoming aroma of gingerbread men baking in the oven would go some way to making her home feel safe and secure again.
Sam was the first to rush in to see her. ‘Can I have one now?’
‘How about some vanilla milkshake to go with it?’ Maggie asked, turning towards the fridge. ‘It’s homemade.’
James came in. ‘They smell nice,’ he said, kissing the back of her neck. It was the first time he had kissed her since their argument last night and the sensation of his lips on her bare skin sent a tingle down her spine. ‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered.
Maggie didn’t reply immediately but poured Sam his milkshake and sent him off to the living room to watch TV. Only then did she turn to face her husband. ‘And I’m sorry about how things turned out yesterday, but I won’t apologise for coming to the rescue of a distressed old lady who needed my help.’
‘I don’t want you to apologise.’ He had said each word quietly but forcefully. ‘How can I blame my wife for wanting to help people? The boys are home now, let’s put yesterday behind us and enjoy the rest of the week together.’
Maggie ignored him and continued with the argument she had prepared. ‘And I’m going to stop trying to prove myself to your mum. If she can’t accept me for who I am, if she can’t appreciate that, yes, I have my faults but actually being blind isn’t one of them, then that’s her problem. I won’t make it mine. I can manage without her help.’
James cupped Maggie’s face in his hands. ‘I know.’
‘Good.’
‘But,’ he added, ‘it would be so much easier with more people to help.’
Maggie’s fiery defiance wouldn’t be smothered with gentle words. ‘You really must give up on this idea that Judith will help out when the baby’s born. I don’t care how much the nursery fees are – we’ll manage. In fact, I wouldn’t accept if she did decide to help out! I won’t be beholden to her, James.’
She could feel James tensing but the touch of his palms on her cheeks remained as tender as ever. ‘For the record, Mum was impressed with how you dealt with Elsie in the park.’
‘Really?’ scoffed Maggie, doing her best to ignore the sincerity in his voice.
‘That’s what she said, but far be it from me to convince you that she has a heart. She thought it was so sad that Elsie keeps returning to the same park bench she’d sat on all those years earlier.’
‘Please don’t say you told her I thought she was a young woman when we first met,’ Maggie said, thankful that she hadn’t told him enough to reveal all of Elsa’s secrets.
‘No, I wouldn’t do that.’ James sounded frustrated, but for the time being at least he seemed ready to accept that any conversation about his mum would ruffle Maggie’s feathers. ‘Now, are we ready to start our holiday again? Please.’
‘OK,’ Maggie conceded and allowed herself a cautious smile, which would have remained fixed on her face if James hadn’t kissed it into submission. She snuggled into his chest and let him rock her until their bodies were back in sync.
‘I was thinking we could always go to the aquarium today since the weather’s so miserable,’ she said, unwrapping herself and turning her attention to the second milkshake she had poured. ‘Where’s Liam?’
‘He’s sulking upstairs.’
‘Why? What happened?’
‘He didn’t want to come home.’
Maggie put together a peace offering consisting of the milkshake and two gingerbread men. ‘I’ll take these up to him,’ she said.
The front bedroom was the boys’ domain and had been designed to their own specification. James had built the bunk beds himself. Both boys had wanted the top bunk and the only way to settle the argument had been to create two bunks at right angles to each other with enough space below for a communal computer and games area.
It was the expanse of floor between the beds and the door that was Maggie’s immediate concern. She slid one foot tentatively in front of the other as she tried to navigate the obstacle course her stepsons had constructed with their discarded toys.
As she drew nearer, she could hear Liam’s soft breaths, slightly muffled by the duvet cover. ‘Liam? I’ve made you some gingerbread men. I was hoping you’d help decorate them but you’ll just have to eat them naked.’
‘Don’t want any.’
Maggie was at eye level. ‘Liam,’ she said. ‘Could you pull back the cover, please?’
‘Why? You can’t see me anyway.’
Maggie put down the glass and plate on a nearby table, her actions slow and deliberate to make sure she was placing them on a level surface. Her laboured actions also gave her time to collect her thoughts and take the sting out of Liam’s comment. Without warning, she flipped back the duvet from his face and to her surprise Liam didn’t try to pull it back over his head.
‘Move over,’ she commanded and proceeded to climb up the ladder. She squeezed in next to him, lying on top of the covers. Liam was next to the wall and because his arms were still beneath his duvet, he was effectively pinned down. Maggie had no intention of releasing him until the problem she had created had been fixed.
‘I’m sorry about yesterday,’ she said. ‘I know it must have been a bit scary seeing Mrs Milton upset like that.’
She felt Liam shrug. ‘Didn’t bother me.’
‘Sometimes people can become confused, especially when they’re older like Mrs Milton. They can recall things perfectly from years and years ago and yet not be able to remember what happened the day before. I think Mrs Milton remembers things so clearly about her earlier life that she actually believes she’s back there and that’s when she gets scared and upset. She’s expecting things to be like they used to be and they’re not.’
‘I know. Nana Judith explained it to me.’
‘So what’s upsetting you?’
Liam shrugged again and then turned his face to the wall.
‘Why are you mad at me, Liam?’
She heard him take a gulp of air and knew she had hit a nerve. She waited patiently for an answer.
‘Why did you tell Mrs Milton that you didn’t have any children?’ he asked.
‘Because I …’ she began, then stopped herself when the penny dropped. She turned on her side towards him and tentatively put a hand on his shoulder. ‘When the baby comes, your dad will say he has three kids, I can promise you that. But I’m only your stepmum, Liam, and even though that means a lot to me, I don’t think I have the right to say you’re mine. I didn’t think you’d like it.’
‘When we’re here you act like our mum.’
Maggie suppressed a smile. ‘I know, and that’s nice, but I’m only borrowing you off your real mum, aren’t I? You don’t call me Mum and I don’t think your mum would be too happy if you did.’
‘Maybe,’ he said, ‘but sometimes we call Tony Dad.’
‘Oh,’ Maggie said. She knew that was one of James’s fears. ‘I imagine it gets pretty complicated for you, having two homes, two sets of parents.’
‘You can say that again,’ Liam said. To Maggie’s relief, he had stopped muttering his replies and a little of his mischievousness was re-emerging.
‘What you have to remember is that it’s not about the labels we give each other, it’s about how much we love each other and how we treat each other. I’ve been your stepmum for less than a year but I can tell you now that I love you and Sam just as much as I’m going to love the new baby. If it seems sometimes like I’m not putting myself out there as your mum then that’s because I’m trying to tread carefully. I’m scared sometimes that I’ll do or say the wrong thing and you won’t want to come here any more. I guess I messed up, didn’t I?’
Her gentle cajoling worked and Liam turned to face her. ‘Sorry about what I said.’
Maggie’s face was a picture of innocence. ‘What do you mean?’
‘About you not being able to see me.’
‘Hmm, that wasn’t very nice, was it? But you’ve said sorry now which helps make it better, because we’re family.’
‘Thanks mmm …’ Liam was taking his time to form the word so that Maggie was left guessing. ‘Maggie,’ he said at last.
‘You’re welcome, son,’ she said and then kissed the tip of his nose.
‘Good shot.’
‘Actually, I was aiming for your forehead.’
When they had stopped giggling, Maggie twisted around so she could get up and fetch him his snack but then froze mid-action. She lay back down carefully and remained perfectly still.
‘What’s wrong?’ Liam asked. He was still trapped beneath the duvet and couldn’t get up. ‘Is it the baby?’
‘Sort of,’ Maggie said. Unlike Liam, there wasn’t a trace of fear in her voice. She had placed a hand firmly over her abdomen. The tiny flutters had felt like a butterfly trying to escape. ‘I think I just felt the baby move.’
‘Can I feel?’ Liam wriggled beneath the covers but couldn’t release himself.
Maggie reached over and tugged at the duvet, pulling it away from the wall and releasing one of her children from their cocoon. She placed his hand where she had felt movement and they both held their breath and waited. She was about to admit defeat when the baby moved again and Liam pulled his hand away in fright.
‘Wow, did you feel that?’ he cried.
Maggie nodded, not trusting herself to speak.
‘Can we go tell the others?’
‘Can I have a hug first?’ she asked.
Liam rationed his hugs, finding other ways to express his emotions as he had proven today, but he complied with his stepmother’s request without hesitation. ‘Love you,’ he mumbled and Maggie could feel the heat from his glowing cheeks.
‘And I love you, Liam. Don’t you ever doubt it.’
10
The Miltons’ bungalow was in a small cul-de-sac to the west of Sedgefield and within walking distance from the High Street. The route was a new one for Maggie and Harvey but she knew the way to her old primary school, which was close by, and with a little help from a passer-by they arrived only ten minutes after leaving the salon.
Maggie was feeling nervous, unsure what to expect or what it would take to put her mind at rest. She supposed she needed reassurance that Elsie had the care she needed, but she also wanted to know that Elsa’s story had a happy ending even if Freddie hadn’t been a part of it.
‘I should warn you that Harvey’s moulting at the moment,’ Maggie apologised when Ted and Elsie opened the door to her. ‘I’ve brushed off the worst of it but you wouldn’t believe how much hair he loses once the weather starts warming up.’
Where I Found You Page 11