Grace Restored

by Toni Shiloh

  Evan shook his head. “No, we need to wait for Guy. He said he was coming.”

  Her mouth dropped open. She had been so sure he wouldn’t be coming back. Then again, maybe he would look less tortured if he started speaking to God again. Chloe always said God was the bringer of peace. So far, she felt He only brought silence. Then again, she didn’t consider herself a Christian so maybe that was why He wasn’t vocal.

  The doorbell rang and Michelle froze. How could she face him? She hadn’t seen him since the park and that had been awkward. She had just meant to say hello, but then Bekah had asked her to push her on the swings. For a moment, it had almost seemed like they were a family unit, but that was ridiculous. She wasn’t cut out to be in a family, not after what she’d done. Besides, it didn’t take her long to figure out people who loved you would leave you. Whether by choice or circumstance.

  “Hey Guy,” JoJo said.

  She faced forward, trying to ignore him, but the scent of his cologne announced his presence. Why are you acting like this? She’d had dinner at his place and hung out at the park.

  Maybe because it feels like you’re dating without labeling it.

  She blinked.

  “Hey, Jo, Chloe, D man.”

  A flicker of movement edged into her peripheral and she turned her head slightly. Guy and Darryl slapped backs in a greeting that was as old as the sport of football. Hoping to avoid a greeting, she grabbed a drink and headed for the dining table. Would anyone suspect the thoughts running in her brain?

  Soon the others followed and took up seats, grabbing food and filling their paper plates. Michelle pulled out her phone and clicked on the Bible app. Who would have ever thought she’d be at a Bible study?

  You’re maturing. She wanted to agree, but Michelle knew she still had growing up to do. Maybe the Bible study would point to one of those areas.

  After the majority of them finished eating, Jo cleared her throat. “Thanks for giving me a chance you guys.”

  They smiled at her. Michelle couldn’t wait to hear her girl lead them today. It almost inspired her to take the plunge and pledge her life to God. Almost.

  What’s holding you back?

  “Okay, today we’re going to be talking about comforting others. Turn to First Corinthians, Chapter One. We’re going to look at verses three and four.” Jo cleared her throat and then read the passages in a steady voice. “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”

  Michelle’s mouth dried.

  All she could picture were Tanya’s tears when she admitted to the abortion. She knew what the young woman was going through. Was God trying to use her to comfort Tanya? She shook the thought away. That was absurd, she wasn’t spiritual enough to be used by God.

  “This passage struck a chord with me” Jo stated. “All I could think about was the death of my father and Nana’s heart attack. I’ve had many people come up to me, who have been in similar situations, offer comfort. So when I read this a few days ago, that’s what I thought of.”

  Jo took a sip of her pop. “How many times do we complain about the trials we go through instead of thinking God will be able to use this one day?”

  Michelle stared blindly at her phone.

  “That’s a load of...”

  She looked up to see anger brimming in Guy’s eyes. Death was a tough pill to swallow and Guy looked like he wanted no part in it. She certainly didn’t blame him. When Chloe suggested God could work her parents’ death for good, she’d flipped. She could guarantee he was having a tough time swallowing the fact that the death of his wife was supposed to comfort someone else.

  “We’ve all lost someone, Guy,” Jo said softly.

  Michelle blinked again and looked around the table. Jo had lost her father to a heart attack. Chloe had lost her mother to drugs and a father through abandonment. She didn’t know Darryl’s story, but knew he grew up with his grandmother. Evan was the only one whose parents were still alive; however, he had lost a leg in a car accident.

  What was wrong with them that they’d all had a traumatic experience? Better yet, what was wrong with God that He would allow it?

  Chapter Twenty

  “I have to agree with Guy.”

  He turned to Michelle in surprise.

  She continued on. “It’s a bit much to swallow that we’re just supposed to accept the losses and comfort someone else who is dealing with it. Wouldn’t it be better if we never had to experience these things in the first place?”

  Guy met Michelle’s gaze. Her eyes reflected exactly what he had been thinking. Why would he want to follow a God who could allow a young woman to lose her family all in one night? Why would he want to follow a God who would deprive children of their mother? His girls would never know the sound of their mother’s voice.

  It seemed needlessly cruel. It was why he refused to darken the church doors. It was why he had thrown his Bible away.

  Then why are you sitting here?

  He swallowed, unsure of the answer.

  Jo shifted in her seat. “I can understand why you’re angry. I lost my father and it felt way too soon, so I can only imagine how you felt Michelle...and you, Guy. Michelle, do you remember how you showed up at my home with a tub of Ben & Jerry’s and a couple of spoons after my dad passed away?”

  He watched as Michelle slowly nodded.

  “You stayed with me the whole night. You didn’t say anything until I did. And even then, you just listened to me vent. Being able to curl up in a ball knowing you were right there with me, knowing you knew what I was going through...it got me through those first few months.”

  Guy watched in amazement as a tear slipped down Michelle’s cheek as Jo’s voice thickened with emotion.

  “You wouldn’t have known how to comfort me if you hadn’t been through the same thing. You knew mere words wouldn’t suffice, but your presence would. It’s the same with God. Often times, we think He’s silent when we lose a loved one because He’s ignoring us, but sometimes, He’s simply basking us with His presence. He knows no words will soothe us. But His presence, His unwavering love and support will see us through.”

  He stared at Jo, shocked as the truth of her words removed the veil over his eyes. Never had he looked at death like that. Instead, he’d been the first one to rail at God during late night feedings when the twins were young. He’d wanted to know why he had to go through childrearing alone. Not once did he consider God was offering His comfort during those silent nights.

  All the trite sayings people had offered scrolled through his mind. Man, it grated on his nerves. Yet, he remembered the balm his soul experienced at the funeral. When the strands of “All I Need is You” played, all he could remember was the abject look of worship that used to come over Charlene’s face when they played it at church. She had been sure all she needed was the Lord to get through the trials and tribulations of life.

  Why hadn’t he held onto that memory?

  He stared down at the table, a tumult of emotions swinging like a pendulum. Part of him wanted to rail against Jo’s words. The other part, the part he had buried for years, couldn’t argue with her.

  She was right.

  A tickle formed in his throat and grew. It clawed at him. The truth, begging to be released. God’s truth. The truth his spirit knew very well.

  Chloe began speaking and he shifted his gaze, hoping to stall the emotions threatening to be released. “I didn’t grow up with my parents. I used to envy the time you had with yours Jo, even though you didn’t get along with your mom.”

  She turned and looked at Michelle. “And you. I loved being at your house. It was filled with love and laughter. When your parents died, I felt like my own had passed. My experiences don’t often make me relatable to others, but I want you to see it through my eyes.” She
met everyone’s gaze before continuing. “You each have something I would love to have. Parents. Though they may not be with you today, you have had time with them. Precious time that can never be replaced. Time that will span their absences and leave you with memories. Memories you can recall and hold onto when life gets rough. So although I have never lost a leg, or a spouse, I have missed the opportunity to have parents raise me and show me how proud they are of me. There’s something about being parentless that makes others view you as incomplete.” She looked down at her hands.

  His heart dropped to his feet. Chloe was right. He had tons of memories of his life with Charlene. He had little mementos all over the house for further reminder. And as much as his mother drove him crazy, Guy couldn’t discount the tremendous help she’d been, helping him watch the girls. He grew up with his mother and father. Now, he had Nana Baker to add to his circle of family and friends. He’d been blessed in ways he had taken for granted.

  What she said was true. He thought his girls’ lives would be incomplete without Charlene to raise them, but they still had him. Perhaps that’s where trust in God needed to come in as Evan suggested.

  “I get it, Chloe,” Darryl said.

  He looked at her with the most compassionate look Guy had ever seen on his friend’s face. Darryl had to be a good doctor. He’d always had a compassionate nature, and it showed now.

  Chloe gave him a timorous smile, her cheeks blooming. Guy raised an eyebrow. Was there something brewing between her and Darryl? He sat back, looking between them with new eyes. Love was in the air. Had both of his friends been bitten by the bug?

  He glanced at Michelle out of corners of his eyes, trying to keep anyone else from noticing. Who was he kidding? He definitely had an interest in Michelle, but he couldn’t reconcile it with his life with Charlene. How did that work? How could you forget someone after pledging your life to them? For better or worse? Rich or poor? ‘Til death do you part?

  And she died.

  He closed his eyes. Her death didn’t negate his vow. It didn’t stop the memories. But could there be room for someone else in his life? Is there, God?

  “We all go through different life events. They shouldn’t be comparable or minimized. We don’t know each other’s inner struggles unless we share.” Jo paused. “But God knows them. He knows what you’re going through and He knows what your future holds. He’s the only one who can truly understand you. Instead of cursing Him, we should be blessing Him for not leaving us alone. For always being there, even when we don’t want to acknowledge His presence.”

  Guy wanted to groan and slink underneath his chair. As much as he wanted to deny it, the truth rang loud and clear. In his heart, Guy knew God had always been there for him. He had let Charlene die in peace. She hadn’t been concerned for her welfare but of his and their girls. She had wanted him to live life to the fullest.

  It was his own hang up that had him sequestering himself from others who could walk with him. He had turned his back on God, too upset over Charlene’s death. Not once had he stopped to look at the good. How he’d been blessed with two beautiful girls. That his wife didn’t die in pain.

  Her death gave life. Times two.

  Guy blinked rapidly, but it was no use. A tear fell and then another. He felt a squeeze on his arm and looked up. Evan stared at him. It wasn’t a look of pity that met him but one of understanding.

  He had no idea how his friend dealt with the loss of a leg, but Guy knew Evan was okay. There was an undeniable peace exuding from his friend. The peace of God.

  He looked at Jo after discreetly wiping away the tears. “Thank you for sharing, Jo.”

  “Any time.”

  MICHELLE TOOK A SIP of her coffee as the sun went down. She loved the solitude and peace her backyard brought her. And right now, she desperately needed it. Seeing Guy cry last night had shaken her to the core. The moment he had spoken, she’d watched him to see how he’d handle the conversation. Her own feelings had been pushed to the background as his face went from anger, bitterness, and finally acceptance as tears slipped down his face.

  It was funny after all these years; his emotions were so familiar. Seeing him accept what Jo had shared shook her belief system. She had maintained the belief that God couldn’t work all for good. She hadn’t seen any good come out of her parents’ death. She thought for sure, Guy would agree.

  However, hearing how God could use it to comfort others, brought her up short. When she prevented herself from the automatic disagreement, Michelle had sat and pondered her best friend’s words. Over the years, she had made it her mission to put every drunk driver behind bars. She would have never gone down that path if her parents hadn’t died. Her dream had always been corporate law.

  Had God needed her elsewhere? Did that fall into ‘working it all for good’?

  She was so confused.

  At the sound of the sliding door, she turned.

  Jo smiled and gestured toward the matching Adirondack chair. “May I join you?”

  “Sure, girl.”

  Silence fell upon them like a warm blanket. She was intent to soak up the night air and the beauty of the backyard, with its blooming trees.

  “So, you’ve been awfully quiet since last night’s Bible study.”

  “I have.”

  “Care to share your thoughts?”

  “I don’t even know where to begin, JoJo.”

  “What’s the first thing that comes to mind?”

  “Why does God have to work anything for good? Why can’t He just let good happen?”

  “Free will.”

  She frowned. Such a pat answer! A trite one and not one she thought Jo would give her. Sometimes, it seemed like her friend had lost the ability to give it to her straight since Jo had devoted her life to God.

  “I saw that frown.”

  Michelle looked at Jo, then shared her thoughts. She watched Jo’s face, wondering if she would explode in anger.

  Instead, Jo responded with a grin. “I haven’t lost the ability to give it to you straight. I know sometimes you don’t like my answers, but that doesn’t make them less true. The reason you see a difference is because God has made a difference. We all have free will. We all have the ability to choose Him or not.”

  Jo crossed her legs. She looked authoritative even though she had a pair of overalls on. “Don’t you hate it when you tell a guy what you want in a relationship and then he does it?”

  She snorted. “Of course, he only did it because I told him to.”

  “Exactly. I feel God is the same way. He wants our love and obedience because we know He is truth and not because He told us to be that way.”

  The girl has a point.

  Michelle leaned her back against the chair. Part of her still wanted to argue and point out the unfairness of it all, but deep down, she knew man was responsible for the worlds’ problems. Just like a drunk driver’s decision to get behind the wheel. Yet for the first time in her career, she had compassion for the “bad guy.”

  “I took Tanya’s case.”

  The words seemed to hang in the air. Michelle couldn’t tell if Jo was shocked or not as she stared straight ahead.

  “Good.”

  Her head whipped around. “Come again?”

  Jo chuckled. “You were making it a crusade. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong in having a cause and supporting it. But did you base each case on its merits or judge them all as if it had been your parents’ drunk driver.”

  Her mouth dropped open. “I...but...there are laws.”

  Jo nodded. “Indeed. But the laws are based on severity and the number of offenses. Even I know that. It seems like you went for the maximum no matter if that was their first offense or not.”

  Her shoulders dropped. Why did she feel like she was being attacked? Why was everyone against her?

  Because you might be wrong.

  “No.” She shook her head vigorously. “No one should be allowed to drink and drive.”


  “Then why did you take Tanya’s case.”

  Michelle hunched over. “I get her,” she answered softly.

  “Because for the first time, you’re looking at her as an individual and not based on her prior or lack of offenses. You and she both agree she was drunk, but that didn’t negate the other person’s portion of responsibility.”

  “It’s just all so confusing, Jo. I’m so tired of it all.” She sniffed.

  “Then rest in God, Chelle. Let Him do what He’s supposed to do to direct and guide you for the rest. The moment I stopped fighting Him, was the moment peace came. You need it or you’re going to run yourself into the ground.”

  Jo stood up. “Think about it, friend.” She opened the patio door and then closed it softly behind her.

  Suddenly her backyard felt like a prison instead of a sanctuary.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Guy adjusted his tie, then stepped back to double check it in the mirror. It had been awhile since he dressed up in anything other than jeans or the sheriff’s uniform. Today was different. He was going to church.

  “You weady, Papa?”

  He spun around and smiled at Bekah. She looked adorable in her black and white dress. “I’m ready, Jelly Bean. Are you?”

  She smiled and nodded her head. “Wachel is too.”

  Ready or not? “Then let’s go.”

  She clapped her hands in excitement, and he ushered her out of his room.

  Okay, Lord, I’m going to try this again. I can’t promise not to fail, but I can promise I will give the church a fair chance.

  The drive there was quiet and the girls went to the preschool classroom with no qualms. He headed for the sanctuary, praying he would see Evan or Darryl. He couldn’t believe how uncomfortable he felt. There was a time when he would race Charlene to the church doors. Now, he wanted to languish in the foyer and people watch.

  Everyone wore smiles. Were they hiding their inner anguish? Could they really be happy with life? When Michelle stepped through the doorway, he breathed a sigh of relief. However, it was quickly replaced by confusion.