“I’ll go pack a few things,” Sheila said. “Then we’ll get going.”
After her mother and grandparents had left the kitchen, Michelle called Amber’s mother. Stacy informed her that Chad’s parents would be flying in the next day to bring his body home. “There will be a memorial service next week sometime,” she added.
When Michelle explained that Amber wanted to stay for a few days, Stacy said she and her husband would come that Saturday to bring her home.
“Thank you so much for being there for her,” she said. “Amber’s very lucky to have you in her life. I’m not sure what she’s going to do without Chad. He meant the world to her. It seemed like her future was just starting to come together.”
Michelle nodded to herself. “Yeah. I’m hoping we can somehow help her sort that out. My grandfather is a pastor. He’s here this week from out of town. Maybe he can help her find hope again for the future.”
“You know, we’ve never been much for church, Michelle. But I know Amber really appreciated it when you used to let her go with your family, back when she was in your class. Maybe God can help her now.”
“I hope so,” Michelle replied.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Two days later, Amber wandered outside, her heart aching over the loss of Chad. The sun felt warm on her face, and she breathed in the fresh air.
“Pretty day,” Phil commented casually from the porch swing.
“Yeah.”
“Got plenty of room on this swing if you’d like to join me.”
She studied him for a moment.
“I won’t bite.” He gave her a wink. “Promise.”
Amber smiled nervously and sat down beside him.
“How are you holding up?” he asked. “Must be pretty hard to be so far from home at a time like this.”
She nodded. “I’m not sure where home is now,” she said. “Chad and I were sharing an apartment, and I can’t picture myself living with my parents again. Sort of outgrew that a long time ago, if you know what I mean.”
“Hmmm. I guess that makes it hard to think about going back. To Arizona, I mean.”
“Yeah. I’m actually wondering if I should stay around here somewhere. To be close to Caleb and everything…” Then she silently chided herself. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. What am I doing telling him this stuff?
Phil surprised her by replying, “I could understand why you’d consider that. Caleb’s a great kid.” He looked over at her and smiled. “You did a wonderful thing for him, Amber. He’s a huge blessing to this family.”
I sure didn’t expect that reaction. This guy’s actually pretty cool.
The swing rocked gently back and forth as Amber gathered her thoughts. “You used to be a minister or something, right?”
Phil smiled and nodded. “Yep. I pastored a church for many years. Still do, in a way. I minister to a small group of folks at the local residential care facility near our home.”
She nodded. “So maybe you can answer a question for me,” she said.
“Fire away.”
“If God is really so good, then why did this have to happen with Chad? Every time I think I could start to believe in Him, something really bad happens. Like to prove that He really isn’t real or if He is, He just doesn’t care about me. I mean, it doesn’t seem like it makes any difference even when I try to do the right thing. Bad stuff just keeps happening.”
Phil nodded. “Yeah. Life can throw some pretty tough curves. And it’s natural to blame God. I’ve even done it myself once or twice,” he added with a sad smile.
“Really? You?”
“Yep.”
“So how come you still believe in Him and, you know, like work for Him and everything?”
He chuckled. “Well, it’s because I’ve come to see the bigger picture over time. Many of the things I thought were really bad ended up being transformed into something good later.”
“What do you mean?”
“Like take Caleb, for example.”
Now Amber was really listening intently.
“When you first found out you were pregnant, how did you feel?”
She thought for a moment. “Terrified and kind of ashamed.”
“And how did you feel after you told Caleb’s father?”
She felt her adrenalin surge. “Mad. Really mad and scared.”
“So that probably seemed like a really bad thing was happening, right?”
She nodded. “Yeah.”
“But now look at how God has stepped in. Caleb is a wonderful boy, and because of you and the love God gave Michelle for you, Caleb has a great family and a promising future.”
She looked him in the eye. “You think God worked that all out?”
“I do. Without question.” He paused for a moment, as if to let that idea sink in. Then he asked, “How many other teachers do you think would have helped you the way Michelle did?”
“Probably none. They all thought I was a loser. They pretty much all wanted me out of their classes.”
“But not Michelle.”
“Yeah. She was the only cool one. The only one who cared.”
“Why do you think that was, Amber?”
“I don’t know. What do you think?”
Phil smiled. “I think it’s because God put a special love in her heart for you. The love God Himself had for you from the very beginning. He knew you’d need someone special who could love you even when you couldn’t love yourself. So He planted that seed of love in your teacher’s heart, and placed you right there in her path at the time He knew you’d need her most.”
Amber slumped down in the swing, feeling almost like the wind had been knocked out of her. “Really?” she asked, turning to search his face. “You really think God cared about me that much?”
“Not just cared, Amber. He loved you. And He still does. It’s a supernatural, unconditional love.”
“So, even though bad stuff is happening, He’s got some kind of cosmic plan to make it turn out okay?”
He chuckled again. “Something like that.”
“But like with murders and stuff, how can that ever turn out to be good?”
“You know, Amber, I can’t give you all the answers for all the bad things that happen in this world. But I can tell you a few things about God and how He works.”
She turned her body to face him.
“First, God is good. Everything He does is motivated by His pure goodness and love. Second, there are forces of darkness and evil in this world. And there is a ruler over the evil whose name is Satan.”
“The devil?”
“Exactly.”
She nodded.
“There’s a continuous battle going on between the good of God and the evil of Satan. It’s been going on since the Garden of Eden, and it’s going to continue until Jesus returns.”
“Okay. So when’s that going to happen?”
“I wish I knew, kiddo.”
“Doesn’t the Bible tell that?” she asked.
“Not exactly. It gives clues, but no exact date or year.”
“Bummer,” she said with a sigh.
He smiled. “Yeah. I guess you could say that. But here’s the good news, Amber. The Bible does promise that God is victorious in the end. So basically, even though bad things are going to keep happening in the world for a while, in the end the goodness of God wins and settles the score forever.”
She nodded thoughtfully. I like this guy. It makes sense when he explains this stuff. “So what about the guy who was driving the car that killed Chad? Will God punish him? I mean…like…do we have to wait for Jesus to come back to settle that score? He seemed pretty old. I doubt if he’s going to be around much longer.”
“Yeah. It’s really sad to see someone like that in a predicament like this. I’m sure he didn’t mean to hurt anyone, Amber. He probably just didn’t want to give up his independence. He thought he could keep driving. You know, it’s a tough thing for old guys like us to realize we n
eed to let others help us out.”
“Well, now Chad’s dead, and it’s his fault.”
“Yep. That’s very true.”
“So will God settle that score? How’s He going to make this turn out good?”
Phil took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I really can’t tell you, Amber. God’s thoughts and ways are far above mine. But I can tell you something that might be a little hard for you to hear.”
“Yeah?”
“God loves that old man, honey. Just like He loves you and me. Life will not be easy for that man from now on. Did you know he didn’t even have a license anymore?”
“Really?”
“The police officer told Steve that the DMV took away his license a couple of years ago because he couldn’t pass a driver’s test. But he just didn’t want to give up his independence. Now he will be haunted by the images of that accident and the knowledge that he cut a young man’s life short. And he may even spend some time in prison because of his choices. His life and the lives of his loved ones will never be the same.”
She nodded.
“I’ve actually considered going to talk to him,” Phil said.
“Really? Why?”
“Because he’s probably at the lowest point of his life. I don’t want the darkness he’s experiencing to win the battle for his soul.”
“But he’s a murderer!”
“I don’t think so, sweetheart. I think he’s just a man who made a very big mistake. One he’ll regret for the rest of his life.” He paused and then added, “We all make mistakes. I know I’ve made my share of them.”
“Yeah, but nothing like that.”
“No, thankfully nothing like that.”
“So what would you say to him if you go see him?”
“I’d tell him what I know about God and help him see there’s still hope for him.”
“You think God could forgive him?”
“I do.”
“Well, I never will.”
He sighed. “I understand, Amber. But there are some important things you need to know if you don’t want your life to be focused on bitterness.”
“Like what? I don’t get how you can be so calm about everything and care about a loser like that old guy.”
“It’s not me who is the calm one, the one who cares about him. It’s God living in this old man’s heart,” he said as he patted his chest. “And He’s taught me three things that I try to always remember. One, love Him and let Him show me how much He loves me. Two, share His love with others, like Michelle did with you. And three, seek to live a life of no regrets.”
“Too late for the third one for me,” she replied.
“I know it can feel like that, but it’s never to late to start a new life with God, Amber. Jesus allows ‘do overs’,” he added with a smile.
She shook her head in disbelief.
He looked at her intently. “Would you like me to lead you in a prayer to ask Him to help you start a new life with Him?”
Amber’s heart started racing, and suddenly she felt scared. “Uh… let me think about it for a while, okay?”
“Okay. But don’t wait too long. None of us is guaranteed tomorrow. Like Chad, we just don’t know how long we have.”
“Okay,” she said. “Well, I’d better go see if Michelle needs any help fixing lunches.” She stood up and started toward the door. Then she turned back and added, “Thanks for talking to me.”
“Sure. Anytime,” he replied with a warm smile.
As she walked into the house she thought, Why didn’t I just pray with him? I’m such a jerk. But she was too embarrassed to turn around and go back.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Amber found Michelle sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of coffee and looking over the mail.
“I came to see if you needed any help fixing lunch,” she offered.
“Actually, Steve just went out to pick up sub sandwiches for everyone,” Michelle replied. “Wanna join me? There’s plenty of coffee in the carafe.” She pushed aside the mail to clear a spot for Amber.
“Okay, thanks.” Amber helped herself to a cup of coffee and sat down. “I’ve been talking to your grandfather,” she said. “He’s a pretty cool guy.”
Michelle smiled. “Yeah. I think so, too. What were you guys talking about?”
“About God and what happened to Chad and lots of stuff like that. He was saying that it’s important to live life without regrets.”
Michelle nodded. “Sometimes that’s hard to do.”
“Tell me about it,” she added in agreement. “So anyway, I’ve been thinking about Caleb.”
“And?”
“And he’s really all I’ve got left, if you know what I mean. Now that Chad’s gone.” She hurried on, “And I don’t want to have any regrets about him.”
“Like what?”
“Like him having the wrong idea about me. About who I am and why I gave him up.”
Michelle looked worried. “You know that Caleb has a good life here, right? He knows how much he is loved. He’s knows he’s adopted and that his birth mother let us have him so he’d have a better life than she could give him.”
Amber nodded, but her mind raced. How do I make her understand that I was a kid when I had him? I’m older now. I could give him a good life. Maybe not as much stuff as he has here, but I could give him his real mother’s love. And there’d be no one else taking my attention away from him. It would be just the two of us.
“What are you thinking about?” Michelle asked.
“Oh, I don’t know. Lots of stuff.”
“What would help you feel better about Caleb?”
“I guess the most important thing is for him to know who I am. That I’m not just some old student of yours. It seems like he likes me. I want him to know that I’m his other mom. The one who gave birth to him.” She paused and then added, “Since I might not be able to have any other children, I just want Caleb to know that.”
Michelle nodded. “And if you could tell him this, you think you’d be able to find peace in your heart about the adoption and be able to move forward with your own life?”
Amber flinched inside. There was no way she could tell Michelle all of her thoughts and hopes for Caleb. Better to just start with this. “Yeah. It would really help me,” she said.
“I’ll discuss it with Steve and let you know what we decide.”
“Thanks. I really appreciate that.”
“Amber?”
“Yes?”
“Have you figured out where you will live when you go home? I know it’ll be tough to go back to the apartment where you and Chad were living.”
“Yeah. I’m not sure where I’m going to live. Depends on a lot of things.”
Just then Steve walked in carting the bags of sandwiches. “Lunch is here!” he announced.
Amber stood up. “I’ll go tell everyone,” she offered and disappeared.
Steve was brushing his teeth that night when Michelle came up beside him. He glanced at her in the mirror and noticed she looked really tired or worried. Spitting out the toothpaste and rinsing his mouth, he turned to face her. “What’s up, honey?”
“It’s Amber.”
He paused and put his hands on her shoulders. “I know you’re worried about her. She’s been through a lot. But you can’t fix everything for her. That’s not your job.”
She nodded, but he could tell there was more coming. Pulling her close, he whispered into her hair, “What is it?”
She was silent for a moment then pulled back. “We need to talk, Steve.” She took him by the hand and led him into the bedroom where they sat side by side on the edge of the bed. “Amber had a talk with Grandpa today,” she began.
“Yeah. I saw them on the porch. And?”
“And I guess they talked about living life with no regrets.”
He nodded. Amber sure had plenty of regrets to overcome. Of that he was certain. They probably only knew the beginning of the bad
choices she’d made over her short lifetime.
“So anyway,” Michelle continued, “she came to talk to me afterward. She was saying how there were things she left unsaid with Chad, and she doesn’t want that to happen with Caleb. She wants him to know that she’s his birth mother, and that she didn’t give him up because she didn’t love him, but because she knew we could give him a better life than she could.”
Steve studied her face trying to read her reaction to Amber’s request. He could see the ambivalence. Michelle was a private person much of the time, but when it came to kids, she had such a soft spot. He loved how she always put the kids before herself. It was what made her such a great mom and teacher. But in addition to seeing her concern for Amber, he could also read the fear in her eyes — fear for Caleb and even for themselves.
“What did you say to her?” he asked.
“I told her I’d talk to you about it.” She began twisting a strand of hair at the nape of her neck—a sure sign of her anxiety.
He reached over and guided her hand away from the twisted hair. “I guess we’ve always known it could come to this eventually, whether it was Caleb asking or her asserting herself into his life. But we can’t have her asserting herself into our lives on an ongoing basis, Michelle.”
She nodded. “She’s just been through so much, Steve. It seems like maybe this would be good for both of them. Caleb really likes her, and she says this will give her a peace about going forward with her life. It’s going to be pretty tough for her when she gets back to Arizona and faces her future without Chad.”
“So you think we should let her tell him?” He watched her expression closely for clues. In her eyes, he saw a combination of sorrow and resignation.
“Yeah. I think we probably should.” She sighed and leaned toward him, her lips meeting his. When she pulled back, she asked, “What do you think?”
“I’m not sure it’s the best idea, but I’m willing to go along with whatever you want to do, honey. You know her better than I do. And at the end of the week, she’ll be heading back to Arizona, so hopefully we can close this chapter of our lives and get back to some normalcy around here.”
Around the Bend (Sandy Cove Series Book 4) Page 10