by Sydney Snow
My lyric book lay open where I’d left it on the bed earlier and I picked it up, glancing at the song I’d just finished writing, reading through the words once again:
Bleeding
The color drains away, my life begins to ebb,
Only I can’t really die, because I’m trapped inside my head.
Mistakes are looming large,
Widening into ugly scars,
But I don’t know how to stop the
Bleeding …
It’s running out of me
For all the world to see
This can’t end happily,
Because I just keep
Bleeding…
It’s a loss of my soul,
And the one I want to hold,
I’ll regret this till I’m old,
I’m bleed, bleed, bleed, bleeding
Time is not my friend, it drags on so slow,
Everyday a reminder, of what I’ll never know.
The look inside your eyes,
Shows the horror of my lies,
But I don’t know how to stop the
Bleeding…
It’s running out of me
For all the world to see
This can’t end happily,
Because I just keep
Bleeding…
It’s a loss of my soul,
And the one I want to hold,
I’ll regret this till I’m old,
I’m bleed, bleed, bleed, bleeding
Is there any hope?
An escape from purgatory.
Can I somehow make amends?
Get a chance to try again.
Or is this all that’s left?
This dead ache inside of me.
Staring at my blood red sins,
For the rest of eternity
I don’t know how to stop the
Bleeding…
It’s running out of me
For all the world to see
This can’t end happily,
Because I just keep
Bleeding…
It’s a loss of my soul,
And the one I want to hold,
I’ll regret this till I’m old,
I’m bleed, bleed, bleeding
Snapping the book shut, I knew there was something else I needed to do before I could take the next step in my life. Unfortunately, it was probably going to piss off a lot of people.
***
“Another round on me!”
My eyes widened as I watched the crowd cheer and toast Stix. Shaking my head, I glanced down at the beer in my hands. Stix was going to be broke before he made a dime off this record deal—if any of us made a dime at all, I amended in my head. I still hadn’t mentioned my plans to anyone.
“Hey sexy, Caleb,” someone said in my ear, and I turned to find a cute brunette I didn’t recognize standing there. “You seem awfully solemn for a guy who just got such great news. I bet I could think of something to cheer you up.” She slid onto the stool next to me.
“Really?” I asked, not the least bit intrigued. “And what might that be?”
She set her drink down on the bar and slid her hand up my thigh. “Why don’t you follow me into that closet over there and I’ll show you?” she tempted, a wicked gleam in her eye as she bit her lip.
“You know, I’m curious. What makes girls like you act like sluts?” I arched an eyebrow at her. “And what makes you think I might be interested?”
Her attempt at a sexy look immediately turned to a scowl. “What makes lead singers think they’re all that?” she threw back at me.
I laughed. “Girls like you. And I’m not the lead singer.” I stood and pushed my way through the crowd, heading for the exit.
The fresh air hit me in the face and I made my way over to one of the outside tables, thankful that everyone was celebrating inside tonight, instead of sitting out here. Taking another swig of my beer, I watched the traffic making its way down the street.
“You gonna tell any of us what’s wrong?” Rick asked, sliding into the chair across from me.
“Nothing’s wrong,” I muttered, wanting to evade the interrogation. Taking another swallow, I stared at him evenly.
“Go get her, man. You’ve given her plenty of space and time to think things over.”
I snorted. “And I haven’t heard a word from her. That’s not a good sign, Rick.”
“Maybe she simply doesn’t know how to approach you. She was hurting when she left. I know you don’t want to discuss the details with any of us, but when have you ever known Anna to not be fair? She loves you. Go talk to her. You know you want to.”
“I do want to. Her mom told me to give her space though, and let her have the time she needed to sort things out. Her family has been so good to me and my mom with everything that’s going on. I can’t step on their toes by hounding their daughter. It could make things awkward between them and my mom. Danica has had enough trauma without me messing things up even more.”
Rick sighed and leaned back into the chair. “Then go talk to her parents. Maybe they can feel things out for you. You know, see if Anna might be receptive to seeing you.”
Shrugging, I glanced away. “That could be a possibility.”
“What else is eating you?” Rick asked, clearly not off the scent of my troubled heart.
“Honestly? I feel guilty. This whole contract thing? We got the initial look because the agent heard about Anna. Now we’re going to sign a deal without her? It doesn’t seem very fair after all she’s done for us.”
Rick was silent for several moments, twisting his beer bottle in his hand absently. “You’re right,” he finally spoke. “But you need to remember, Anna was the one who left us high and dry without a word. It was a struggle for us to continue on our own and it was this guy listening to you that got us that deal. You need to take credit where credit is due. Anna was right. You can sing too. I think she’d be happy for us.”
“Hmm,” I muttered, noncommittally.
“What if things were just the opposite?”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“What if she was the one with a record deal instead of us? Would you be upset about it? It happens all the time, you know. Lead singers get signed and have to dump their bands and leave them behind. What if that had happened with her?”
“I’d be thrilled for her. How can you even ask that?” I rubbed my hand through my short hair, still missing the old familiar length of it.
“Well, I happen to think she’d feel exactly the same.”
“Maybe,” I said, wondering if I’d ever actually have the chance to find out for myself.
***
“Caleb! This is a surprise! I didn’t expect to see you here this late. Is everything okay?” Melanie had worried creases between her eyebrows.
“Yeah. Sorry, I should’ve called first. I need to talk to someone.”
Stepping aside, she waved me in. “Come in. Your mom and James are in the den watching television. Would you like to join us?”
“Sure,” I replied with a nod, shoving my hands into my pockets.
Closing the door, she turned and led me down the hall.
“Caleb!” Danica called with a smile when I entered. Jumping up she came and threw her arms around me.
“Hi, Mom. How’re you doing?” I asked, hugging her back tightly. It was so nice to see her happy again.
“I’m doing wonderful. Things have been going so good.”
Smiling, I kissed the top of her head. “Awesome. I’m glad to hear it.”
“Come sit down.” She hooked her arm through mine and pulled me over to sit on the couch beside her. “What brings you to the island, tonight?”
Sighing, I was a little nervous about how to broach the subject. Danica and James weren’t aware of everything that had transpired between Anna and me. “Well, I need some advice,” I began. “I found out today that a record company wants to sign the band to a deal.”
“Caleb! That’s w
onderful news!” Melanie exclaimed, clasping her hands together.
“It is, indeed,” James added with a smile. “Congratulations. All your hard work with the band is starting to pay off, it seems.”
I nodded. “It certainly appears that way.”
“Why do I get the feeling you aren’t happy with this?” Danica asked.
“Because Anna is the reason we got the look in the first place. I don’t feel right signing without her.” Pausing, I briefly glanced at the bleeding heart tattooed on my arm. “Nothing feels right since she left. I miss her; but I don’t know what to do to fix things between us. The record label wants us all to fly to LA for talks in a couple days. I was wondering if you’d tell me how to find Anna so I can go talk to her. I need to see if there is any hope for us to work things out before I move ahead, without her. Do you think there is any chance she would agree to talk to me?”
Staring between Melanie and James hopefully, I felt my heart rate pick up, as if my whole future rested on their answer. Melanie opened a drawer in the end table next to her, retrieving a small notepad of paper and a pen. She quickly wrote something down on it and ripped the top sheet off, handing it to me.
“Anna called about an hour ago. She misses you and asked if she could please come home as soon as the semester was over. She said she loves you and wanted to see if the two of you could patch things up. There’s her address and phone number. Go find her, Caleb.”
Staring at the sheet in my hand, I felt like someone had just handed me a winning lottery ticket. Hope bloomed like a room full of flowers in my heart. “She said she loves me?” I asked quietly, unable to stop the grin from spreading across my face.
“She did.” Melanie smiled. “Go get your girl.”
“I will,” I replied, standing and hurrying toward the door.
“Wait! Hugs!” Danica said, chasing after me with a laugh.
I laughed too, feeling like a huge weight had been lifted from me. “Sorry.” Grabbing her, I embraced her tightly, glancing over her shoulder to where Melanie and James sat, happily watching us. “Keep it a secret, okay? Don’t tell her I’m coming. I want to surprise her.” Truthfully, I didn’t want her to freak out and change her mind.
“Your secret is safe with us,” James said. “Have a safe trip.”
“Thank you. For everything you’ve done for my family.”
“Your family is our family too,” Melanie replied and, for the first time in a long time, I finally felt like everything might end up right in the world.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Caleb-
Restlessness filled me as I checked my phone for what must’ve been the billionth since I’d left Seattle. The flight seemed to go on forever, despite the comforts of the first class seats the label had provided us. The rock star treatment hadn’t ended there either A smartly dressed limousine driver met us at baggage claim, leading us out to a stretch limo that had the guys grinning from ear to ear. We were taken to the Four Seasons Los Angeles and checked in, each one of us getting our own room. As soon as I was able to put my stuff away, I called for a taxi to take me to Anna’s. Our meeting with the label executives wasn’t scheduled until tomorrow afternoon and I wasn’t waiting another minute to see Anna.
The lights of Los Angeles flashed by me in a blur as I sat back in my seat, pondering everything I wanted to say to Anna. I hoped she’d be happy to see me, but I was positive I would catch her unprepared.
“Hey, is there a place on the way were we can stop for flowers?” I asked the cab driver.
“Most florists are probably closed by now,” he replied in his Middle Eastern accent. “A grocery store is probably your best bet. Is that okay?”
“Yeah, that will be fine.” It seemed like it had been ages since I’d seen Anna. I didn’t want to arrive empty handed. Flowers would signal my intent as soon as she saw them.
Ten minutes later, I was back in the car, armed with a surprisingly nice bouquet of two dozen red roses, heading toward Anna again.
Tipping the driver generously for his help when we arrived, I got out of the car and stared at the campus housing. Anna was here, somewhere, and it almost seemed as if I could feel her presence. Digging the paper her mom had given me from my pocket, I glanced at the unit number before heading into the maze of buildings. As it turned out, it wasn’t too difficult to find. Taking a deep breath, I knocked on the door. After several seconds, I knocked again, feeling frustrated. Just my luck. No one was home.
Turning, I stared across the grounds. What should I do now?
The sound of the door opening caused me to look back. Anna was standing there in a robe, her long dark hair wet.
“Caleb?” she asked, her eyes wide, as if she couldn’t believe what she was seeing. Eyes drifting briefly down to the flowers I held she glanced back into my eyes. “Are you really here or am I imagining things?”
I couldn’t help my smile. “I’m here. I didn’t think you were home.”
She blushed. “Sorry. I was just getting out of the shower when you knocked. I tried to hurry.” She ran a hand self-consciously over her robe. “I look terrible.”
“Really?” I asked glancing over her. “I was just thinking I’d never seen anything more beautiful.”
She blushed harder and I was happy to know she wasn’t immune to me.
“Can we talk, Anna? I’ve been trying to give you your space to could work things out for yourself, but I can’t leave things like this between us anymore. It’s killing me.”
“I know,” she replied quietly, stepping aside so I could enter. “I was planning on coming home, as soon as my classes were done, to see you. I can’t believe you came to LA.”
“Well, in the interest of full disclosure, I’m here on business, as well; but there was no way I could come here and not see you.” Holding the flowers out to her, I added. “These are for you.”
“Thank you,” she said almost shyly, taking them from me. “Let me put them in some water.” She glanced toward the table where a vase with some very droopy roses sat. “I guess I can throw these away now.”
Jealousy flared strong inside me. Someone else had given her flowers, unless they were for a roommate. “Do you have a roommate?” I asked, glancing around the nicely decorated apartment.
“Yes. Her name is Holly. She’s at her parent’s house in Anaheim this weekend with her boyfriend, Shawn. You’d like her. She reminds me of Jessi.”
“Are those her flowers?” I couldn’t seem to stop the words.
“No. They’re mine,” she replied softly. “Holly’s boyfriend has a best friend, Tyler. The two of us get thrown together a lot when we all hang out and do stuff. He asked me on a date a couple nights ago.”
“Did you go?” Shit, this was not coming out the way I’d intended at all. It was starting to sound like I was grilling her.
She nodded. “Yeah, he’s a really nice guy. He took me night surfing.” Her eyes lit up. “We saw the phosphorescence in the water. It was magical, Caleb! I wish you could’ve seen it. There’s nothing like it.”
Hearing her describe her date as magical was doing nothing for my nerves. My fist clenched involuntarily and I found myself wishing I could meet this Tyler guy, just so I could punch him in the face for hitting on my girl.
Was she still my girl? Maybe I was too late.
“So are you and this guy . . . ,” I couldn’t even bring myself to finish the sentence.
“What?” She glanced at me, her brow furrowing in confusion. “Oh! No! In fact, we didn’t even finish the date. I mean, it was this magical moment and he kissed me, but I pushed him away and asked him to bring me home.”
“Why?” I asked, continuing to press the matter.
She shrugged. “Because he wasn’t you.” Setting the vase with the fresh flowers back in the middle of the table, she stared at me innocently and my anger and jealousy melted away.
“Can you ever forgive me, Anna?” I stood my ground, resisting the urge to pull her into my a
rms. I wanted to kiss her so badly, but we needed to clear the air between us first.
“Let’s sit down,” she suggested, gesturing toward the living room. Sitting on the couch, she came to sit beside me, the split in her robe flashing a good deal of one of her shapely legs as she did so. Instantly, my pulse rate shot up. I was pretty sure she wasn’t wearing anything beneath it. The thought didn’t help me out any. I still wanted her more than ever.
Clearing my throat, I attempted to refocus. “First of all, I want you to know I don’t have any recollection of that unfortunate night I spent with Jessi. I’ve been going through hell ever since I found her note, which wasn’t until after the funeral. I wasn’t lying to you then, when I said I didn’t know why she killed herself. Once I did find out, I didn’t know how to tell you. I tried to stay away from you, but that was killing me too. Stix finally convinced me to go for it, but he didn’t know the whole truth. No one did. I didn’t want to betray you, but telling you was betraying her as well. Trust me when I say I’ve been in agony over this.”
Staring at her robe, she absently picked at nothing.
“Say something, please,” I begged when she didn’t reply.
Sighing heavily, she ran her finger through the ends of her wet hair. “Caleb, I know you’ve been with lots of other girls. For some reason, I don’t seem to care about any of them . . . but Jessi? That one stings me a lot. I know you don’t remember—Jessi’s note proved that—but it still hurts to know she had you in the way I want you.” Tears filled her eyes when she looked at me. “And it hurts me even worse to know she was pregnant with your child.”
“The baby was dead,” I replied somberly.
“W . . . what?” she stuttered.
“The autopsy report said she was pregnant, but the remains of the fetus showed it died before she did.”
Her eyes widened in horror. “You’re telling me she killed herself over a baby that was already dead?”
I nodded. “That appears to be the case.”
A sob escaped her and she covered her face with her hands. Sliding closer to her, I pulled her into my arms, letting her head rest on my chest as she shuddered, racked with tears. Unspeaking, I stroked her damp hair, letting her shed her emotion. When the worst of her crying subsided, she didn’t move away, keeping her head against me instead.