Defining Riley

by JJ Ellis

  Getting up out of bed, he trudged into the bathroom and took another pill out of the bottle. With a quick look at his bruised and battered face, he put the pill in his mouth and swallowed. But he knew the minute he laid down again he’d still want to hide in a hole. He could only hope that the relief he sought would happen soon.

  17

  DEEP DARK DEPTHS

  A LITTLE UNDER A WEEK after he got out of the hospital, Riley was feeling pretty good. At least physically. Emotionally was a completely different story. Upping his does of medication had done nothing so far and his doctor wouldn’t even talk about changing it until he’d tried it for a month.

  The nightmares were still pretty regular, and a couple of new ones had entered the scene. The one where he stalked and killed Johnny for no other reason than to kill him was the prominent one. But, of course, the one where Terry just stood and laughed at him, saying that he was just like he’d raised him to be wasn’t much fun either. To top it off, he’d made the mistake of telling Aidan about them. His boyfriend is too literal and week minded to understand evil. He’d said the dreams were creepy and that he should tell the psychiatrist right away. Hell, it wasn’t like he was actually going to kill his own father, especially right after he’d just found him.

  Riley dialed Aidan’s number and waited for him to pick up.

  “Hello.”

  “Hey, are you busy?”

  “Not really, why?”

  For some reason, Riley couldn’t sit still so he walked the length of the living room as he talked. “Well, we have a week of storms coming tomorrow so how about I take you for that ride.”

  “Sure. Where at?”

  “I’ll meet you on Old Robertson Road near the old abandoned shack.”

  He waited ten minutes then hopped on his bike and headed out. The road was clear of snow and dry from the recent Wyoming winds that were ushering in the upcoming storms. The conditions were perfect for a nice easy ride to introduce Aidan to the thrill of motorcycle riding.

  He was standing by the old broken-down cabin when he saw Aidan’s car coming down the road. He suddenly felt nervous. This was one thing he needed Aidan to love. He wanted to go riding anywhere and everywhere with the person he loved. “Hey, you ready?” he called out.

  “As ready as I’ll ever be,” he said, reaching for the helmet Riley offered. “If my mom ever finds out, she’s gonna shit bricks and ground me.”

  “I’m not going to tell her and I don’t see anyone else around here.”

  “Thank the Lord,” Aidan mumbled, following Riley over to the bike and settling in behind him.

  Riley started the engine and revved it to get Aidan used to it. Then he pulled onto the road and moved forward slowly. As his boyfriend relaxed behind him, he increased his speed until they were going the limit.

  It felt so good having someone’s arms wrapped around him. The sound of the engine and the force of the wind against his helmet made him feel even better; invincible. His need for more and faster stimuli found him speeding up without even thinking about it. The rush, as Aidan dug his fingers into his abs was the most intoxicating thing he’d ever felt.

  Suddenly he couldn’t breathe, Aidan’s arms were crushing his stomach. The rush fled and a flash of white and orange invaded his line of sight. The bridge. The big summer storm of 2015 had washed it out. He had to stop or they would go over. The brake. He couldn’t press it hard enough. They were going over. There had to be something he could do but he couldn’t concentrate over Aidan’s screaming. The brake was working but it wasn’t good enough. He had to turn. Even if they hit the fence, it would be better than going over. This was it. Riley released his breath as the front of his bike turned and the back slid, throwing rocks into the ravine. They were safe. “Holy fuck! What a rush!”

  Apparently, Aidan didn’t feel the same way. When he finally found his voice, all of his emotions were trained on Riley. “What the fuck are you trying to do, kill us? God damn it!”

  Riley couldn’t believe how silly his boyfriend looked. He was practically releasing steam from the top of his head. “Sorry. I got a little carried away with my speed. But I kept us safe.”

  “You call this safe? Aidan asked as he jumped off the bike. “If you have a fucking death wish you can just leave me the hell out of it. Jesus Ri, you’re being as irresponsible as your dad...Terry.”

  “And you’re being a pussy. Jesus, Aidan, you’re so uptight. You’ve got to lighten up and let the world see how happy you are.”

  “Fuck you, Riley.” He said moving off toward where he’d left his car. But he turned back. “Are you really showing the world you’re happy or are you just hiding the fact that you’re a screwup who dies a little inside every day.”

  Riley revved the engine and pulled up next to Aidan. “I hate you.” He spun the tires and shot off down the road leading to home. Aidan had some gall. What the hell had he seen in him in the first place? Right now, he wished he’d never given up on Samantha. Instead of turning right onto the highway, he turned left and headed to the cemetery.

  “HEY, SAMMI. I REALLY miss you.” Riley spread his jacket down on the ground and sat. “Things haven’t been the same since you left.”

  He sure wished she could talk back. He would love to get her advice but then again, it would probably be tacky to ask her advice on Aidan. “What did I see in him? I thought maybe it was just physical but I started to really like him.”

  Riley felt tears burning his eyes. Now he realized exactly what he’d seen in Aidan and even Samantha for that matter “Power,” he whispered. “I was the popular, powerful rancher kid and both of you.... I could protect you, feel power over you. And when all of that power I held went away, I tried to start over with Aidan and it’s not working. Jesus, Samantha, I’m exactly like my father.”

  Riley stood and shook off his jacket before putting it on. “Forgive me, Sammi!” He turned and ran to his motorcycle, taking off in a shower of dust. By the time he realized it was snowing, he was on the highway and sliding all over the road.

  Pulling over, he hid the bike in some brush and started walking. He could call his dad but he wasn’t sure if he deserved the warmth and safety of a car.

  “Hey, you’re Riley Johnson, right?” A car had pulled up next to him.

  “Yeah, I am. You’re Jeffrey Roberts. I think you were a year ahead of me in school.”

  “Yep. You need a ride?”

  Riley liked his smile. He’d had a bit of a crush on Jeffrey. “Sure. I live on Hilltop now if that’s not out of the way.”

  “Not at all. I live just down the same street, or at least my parents do. I’m just up for the weekend.”

  “You going to college in Sheridan?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Cool.”

  The car was quiet as they made it back into town. They were two blocks away from Hilltop when Jeffrey spoke again. “Can I tell you something?”

  “Uh...sure, I guess.”

  “I kinda had a crush on you back in school. I always had a thing for guys with dark hair.”

  “I...umm...”

  “Oh shit! You’re not gay. I’m so sorry.”

  Riley laughed. “That’s not what I was trying to say. I’m bi and I had a thing for you, too.”

  It was Jeffery’s turn to laugh. “Well okay then. Would you like to come over and...uh, hang out?”

  “Hang out?”

  Jeffery reached over and put his hand on Riley’s upper thigh. “Listen I’m not looking for a relationship. I just like to have a little fun if you know what I mean.”

  Riley was silent for a brief moment. His dad was a slut, even when he was married to his mom so why shouldn’t he be too. “I know what you mean. I’m game if you have condoms. I don’t carry them walking down the road.”

  Jeffery laughed and moved his hand higher. “I have some in my suitcase in the back seat.” He looked at his watch. “We’ll have plenty of time. My parent’s don’t get home from work until six.”


  RILEY FELT HIMSELF start to doze and jumped up. This wasn’t the time or place to take a nap.

  “Heading out?” Jeffery asked as he lit up a joint. “Want a hit before you go?’

  Riley took it and inhaled then sat and waited for the calm to encroach. When it didn’t, he took another drag and handed it back to Jeffery. “Thanks for everything.”

  “Anytime, man. In fact, I’ve got a friend coming home with me next week. I think he’d like you. You should come back.”

  “Both of you?”

  Jeffery shrugged. “If that’s what you want. We’ll bring the pills, you bring a few joints and we’ll have a good time.”

  Riley put his jacket on and walked to the door. “When and where?”

  “Here, Saturday at one. My parents will be in Casper.”

  “I’ll be here.” Riley opened the bedroom door and let himself out. This was a rush that held hard. This was a rush he could get used to.

  By the time he walked down the street to his house, Riley was starting to lose some of the rush, but not all of it yet.

  “Hey, where have you been?” Johnny asked when he walked in the door.

  “I took my motorcycle out for a ride but then it started snowing so I had to ditch it. I caught a ride with a couple of guys I go to school with.”

  Johnny had walked over to him and was sniffing the air. “Jesus, Riley have you been smoking pot?”

  “Way to have faith in me, Dad. I wasn’t smoking pot but those guys were. I ended up making them let me out and I walked the rest of the way home. That’s why I look like a fucking drowned rat.”

  “Language, Ri. I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions.”

  “No, you’re not! You’re just starting to see the truth. You might be my biological father but I’m just like the loser who raised me.” He turned and stormed into his room and slammed the door.

  “Riley, son. I’m sorry. I don’t think you’re anything like Terry. I just...things like drugs scare me especially when it comes to my kids. And you did smell strongly of it.”

  “Leave me alone,” was Riley’s soft reply.

  “I’m here if you want to talk.”

  An hour after he left Jeffery’s house, Riley was once again drowning. Not completely because the memory of what they’d done was still so fresh but there was just enough heaviness in his chest to create some discomfort. Maybe if he got up and filled his growling belly he wouldn’t become overwhelmed again.

  “Hey,” Johnny said as he passed through the living room.

  “Hey. What’s for dinner? Want me to cook?”

  “Actually, I was thinking we should go pick up your bike and then maybe hit the diner for dinner.”

  “Isn’t it going to be a pain to drive the trailer in this snow?”

  Johnny stood and walked to the entry closet. “I thought we could just lift it into the truck. We don’t want to chance it getting stolen.”

  “Yeah, okay. Let me grab my jacket.”

  Conversation was almost non-existent while they picked up the bike and took it back to the house. It wasn’t until they were on the way to the diner that Riley felt comfortable talking again. “Thanks for taking me to get the bike. My d...Terry would have made me leave it there until the weather cleared.”

  “And he would have complained about the insurance premiums going up when it turned up stolen.”

  Riley laughed in agreement then looked out the window. Only a screwed up Johnson could feel awkward talking to his own flesh and blood.

  “So, how did Aidan like riding the motorcycle?”

  “He didn’t,” Riley said with a grimace.

  “Is that why he didn’t bring you home?”

  “Yeah...I think we may have broken up.”

  “What?” Johnny asked in surprise as the parked in front of the diner. “I thought you guys were doing so good.”

  “Yeah, so did I. But Aidan sometimes...I don’t know, sometimes he acts like a pussy.”

  “He does seem a bit timid compared to you. I’ve seen you interact a bit. May I give you some advice?”

  Riley shrugged and stepped out of the SUV. “I guess so. When we get inside okay?”

  Johnny kept an eye on his son to discern when would be the best time to restart their conversation. It wasn’t until after their food arrived that Riley finally relaxed. “So, you want to hear my advice?”

  “Sure, not that I’ll need it. Riley Johnson blew it again.”

  “Please stop putting yourself down.”

  Riley shrugged his indifference but apologized with a quiet, “sorry.”

  “It seems to me that you and Aidan spend an awful lot of time trying to get each other to like things you’re not even remotely interested in. If he doesn’t like motorcycles, then he doesn’t have to ride them and if you don’t like camping and kayaking you don’t have to do that either. But you both like video games, movies, hunting, and riding horses so do those things together.

  Johnny made a bit of sense no matter how much Riley didn’t want to admit it. “Aidan and I have messed up so many times, I don’t know if it’s worth it to try again. Maybe Samantha was my one good relationship and the rest will be hard and meaningless like Terry’s were.”

  “What’s going on with you?” Johnny asked, his voice exhausted. “You’re so down on yourself the last week or so and the comparisons to your...to my brother have got to stop. You’re nothing like him. And you never will be.”

  Riley looked away. His dad was wrong on this one. Everyone else seemed to think he and Terry were practically twins so it must be true. “I can’t help myself. It’s how I feel. I need to be hard on myself so my mind doesn’t explode.”

  “Is your depression worse?”

  “No, I just feel better badmouthing myself.” He knew he’d have to watch what he did and said in front of his father. It was time to put his happy go lucky game face back on. “So, will you let your only son treat you to dessert to make up for his actions earlier today?”

  “How about I let my only son keep his money for other stuff and I buy us dessert just for the hell of it.”

  “That’ll work too,” he said with a smile that quickly fled his face as the door to the diner came open. “Aidan.”

  “Are you going to go talk to him?” Johnny asked as he got their waitresses attention.

  “I don’t know, do you think I should?”

  “That’s up to you.”

  The waitress walked up to their table and smiled at Johnny. “What can I get you, gentlemen?”

  “I’ll have the brownie bite sundae,” Riley said absently as he stood. “I’ll be right back.” As he made his way to Aidan’s table he tried to get a read on the other boy but his face remained neutral. “Hey.”

  “Hi.”

  “Do you think we could talk later, please?”

  “I’ll call you around nine. My dad and I are going to a movie after we eat.”

  “Okay,” Riley said with a smile. “I’ll talk to you later.”

  “Well hello, young man. I haven’t seen you for a while.”

  “Hey, Mr. St. George. It’s good to see you. I’ll leave you two to your dinner.” The older man waved and Riley went back to his seat. Aidan was willing to talk which he considered a good sign. The problem was, he didn’t seem happy about it. Would he truly be willing to listen?

  RILEY EXCUSED HIMSELF from the living room at a quarter to nine. But when Johnny wouldn’t let him leave without a hug he almost lost it. It wasn’t normal for him to get second chances or unconditional love after he screwed up or in this case, someone disappointed him.

  He stood in the doorway of his room and looked around. If he laid down, he might push himself right into a funk but his desk chair wasn’t comfortable enough to sit in for a long relationship conversation. In the end, he tossed his pillows on the flor and plopped down with his back leaning against the dresser. Just when he got comfortable, his phone rang. “Hey.”

  “Hey, what’s up. What did you want
to talk about?”

  “Us. If there is still an us or if there can still be an us.”

  “I’m not sure you even want that,” Aidan said his voice wavering.

  “Look. I’m sorry about today. I lost my head and...”

  “That’s the problem,” Aidan cut in. “You’re so volatile lately. I never know how you’re going to react.”

  Riley silently counted to ten to keep from saying something he’d regret. “I’m sorry, man. Some days I don’t know which end is up. I lost my best friend, I got the shit beat out of me by the man I though was my father. I shot and killed him and I totaled my fucking car. I haven’t had a minute to breathe.”

  “I know,” Aidan whispered. “All of that stuff has turned you into someone I’m scared of or scared for. Hell, I don’t know. I just want things to be the way they were before.”

  Riley smiled big to keep his emotions down. “Believe me, A, I do too but it’s not going to happen. The question is, are we strong enough together to keep things going?”

  “I know. I want to. I really like you. It just sometimes seems like our differences are insurmountable.”

  “My Dad said we should forget about the differences, leave those things for ourselves when we’re not together and concentrate on what we have in common when we see each other.”

  Aidan chuckled. “Yeah, we probably should have been doing this all along”

  “Okay. So, can we try again?”

  “Part of me says no,” Aidan replied. “But I’m overruling that part. One more chance for us, Ri. Okay?”

  “Yeah, one more chance. I wish I could see you.”

  “Me too, but both of my parents are home.”