Deny Me

by Fiona Cole

  Finally, a reasonable excuse came through Saturday morning. I received an email from the online company I had sent my designs through. They had liked what I sent and wanted me to send another two outfit options.

  Evelyn (9:43am): Hey! So sorry! I got home and was swamped with emails about work. I have been soooooo busy. You know how I am. Always ignoring my phone when I get focused.

  Evelyn (9:45am): Thanks for the invite. Maybe another time!

  Even to me, the texts looked forced. But I needed them to cover up the real reason I was avoiding him. Jameson was a fixer, and he liked to talk things through. And I was still fighting off whatever desire I had left from Jamaica. If he knew I was denying any feelings I had, he would come over and talk me into giving in. And I would cave.

  I missed him. I tried to convince myself that it was only the sex I missed, especially when I was restless and turned on in bed at night. But after I got myself off with memories of Jameson on top of me, I still struggled to get to sleep. It was only when I pressed a pillow up against my back and remembered the way his body would wrap around mine that I was able to fall to sleep.

  He never responded to my last messages, and I couldn’t tell if I was relieved or disappointed. But by Sunday it didn’t matter, because it was our family lunch, and I wasn’t going to miss that. Lu and Jack had gotten back from their honeymoon Saturday morning, and I couldn’t wait to get all the details about married life. I’d missed my best friend.

  We would have so much to talk about, I wouldn’t have to worry about any conversation between Jameson and I. I even decided to show up late just to ensure that Lu was already there and Jameson and I weren’t alone.

  But when I pulled up to King’s, I didn’t see anyone’s car other than Jameson’s truck. I thought about even staying in my seat until Lu got there. But Jameson just happened to come out with the trash and saw me pull up.

  We had some kind of western stare-down as we both decided how to approach the situation. Swallowing hard, I stuck to my original plan of pretending everything was normal again and we hadn’t fucked like bunnies in Jamaica. Pretending he didn’t make me yearn for something I had never wanted before; that he didn’t create an emotional storm in me. I wanted to do nothing but to deny it was there. He didn’t need to know I had masturbated to thoughts of him ever since we’d gotten home.

  I pushed my shoulders back and got out of the car with my typical flirty smile. “Hey Jamie-Boy.” I gave a little finger wave as I walked past him and made my way inside. God, he looked good.

  Pushing those thoughts aside, I kept my cool when I heard the door open again behind me, letting me know he’d followed me in. “Where are Lu and Jack?” I asked, not turning to look at him, ignoring the way my voice sounded high pitched with nerves.

  He walked right up and pressed into my back, pushing my hair aside and kissing the exposed skin of my neck. Shivers broke out all over, zipping down my spine and into my core. “Jameson,” I whispered, unprepared for his assault.

  “I missed you.” He bit the lobe of my ear and eased the sting with a flick of his tongue. “I’ve had to settle for my hand when I think about fucking you because someone keeps avoiding my calls.”

  “Oh,” I breathed out. I didn’t know what to say. My body was sinking into his, being lulled into submissiveness by the way his tongue dragged from my shoulder to my neck.

  Sirens were sounding off in my head, warning me to pull away. That I was undoing all of my avoidance, and being weak, and giving in and … and … His fingers dug into my hips and pulled me back against the hardness growing against my ass. I was lost.

  Just as I was about to offer to fall to my knees and suck him off, a car door slammed outside, making me jerk out of his grip.

  Shit.

  Fuck!

  Way to be strong, Evelyn.

  Forcing a laugh, I pulled away, walking to distance myself from his grip. “Sorry about that. I’ve been supes busy.”

  Supes? Really? God, my inner dialogue was being a bitch.

  He tilted his head to the side and watched me with narrowed eyes. I could only imagine what he thought of me putting more distance between us. Apparently my avoidance tactic wasn’t working, and he wasn’t getting the message that we need to go back to our pre-Jamaica relationship. I was saved from any questions when the door opened and Luella came running at me full force.

  We hugged each other tightly, squealing and rocking side to side. I peeked over her shoulder and saw Jameson staring at me as he greeted Jack with a manly back-slap.

  I put it aside and focused my attention on Lu. “God, look at you! So tan.” I pushed her, spinning her and looking her over. “Did you lose weight? It was probably all that crazy sex you had.”

  For the first time, I felt some normalcy when I looked for Jameson’s reaction and caught his annoyed stare. Smiling, I pushed her to share more, feeling something both let go and tighten all at once. It was what I wanted. This push back to normalcy. I wanted to leave behind the sexual tension and desire.

  “Does she look thinner, Jamie-Boy?” I asked with a wink. “Man, I bet Jack worked her over good to burn those kinds of calories.”

  He threw his hands up, walking past a giggling Lu. I looked to Jack, shrugging.

  “You’re going to get me killed one day, when her brother gets fed up with you rubbing our sex life in his face.”

  “Oh, calm down, Jack. He’s a giant teddy bear. You could totally take him.”

  Shaking his head, he came over and gave me hug. “Got to say, I missed that humor of yours.”

  Lu and I moved to our table while the guys grabbed the drinks. Thankfully I didn’t have to worry about any awkwardness with Jameson because I spent the whole lunch getting caught up on what happened on the honeymoon. I pushed Lu to tell me all the places she had sex, just to hear Jameson groan. She laughed, but didn’t spill the beans. I’d corner that bitch and get the goods later.

  “So, what about you two?” Lu asked, leaning back in her chair. “Did you two see each other much?”

  I fought the heat climbing up my chest. I saw whole hell of a lot of Jameson was the first thought that popped into my head. Instead, I settled on looking at my fingers playing with the napkin next to me and said, “Umm … I just hung out. I saw Jameson a little bit here and there.”

  Jameson’s large hand came into view before settling on top of mine causing my heart to jump into my throat. For a second, I was frozen looking at how dainty my hand looked beneath his long, rough fingers.

  “Yeah, we saw a little of each other,” Jameson agreed, stroking my fingers.

  “Uhhh…” Lu dragged out. I still hadn’t looked up from his hand on mine, but her words jarred me out of my stillness and I jerked back, standing.

  Keeping my head down, I grabbed my bag and muttered quickly, unable to meet anyone’s eyes. “Um, I totes forgot something huge. Like really huge. I gotta go. So much fun getting caught up with you. Lunch was fab. But I remembered something and I have to go. So good to see you. We’ll talk later. I have work. I gotta go.”

  Fuck, I was a rambling, repetitive mess. I wasn’t even making sense. I tripped over nothing on the floor on my way out and almost dropped everything. I threw a goodbye wave up over my shoulder and kept my eye on the door when I heard the scrape of another chair scooting back.

  Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Make it out. Make it out. Just get to the door.

  The pressure around my heart that I felt in Jamaica that last day came back with a force, interrupting my breathing. Fuck, it was hard to breathe.

  I was running by the time I cleared the door. I saw my car. I was going to make it. I just needed to hold it together until I got to my car. I could sort it out when I got home. I just needed space to remind myself how to get back to normal. Jameson’s hand had simply set me off. I needed space to get back to where I was this morning. Space.

  I was clicking my key fob when a hand landed on my shoulder, halting my progress. I tried to keep my back to him, but
Jameson pulled me around to face him. His eyebrows were scrunched over narrowed eyes.

  “What the hell was that, Evie?”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I just have things to do.” Deny, deny, deny.

  “Don’t give me that shit. You’re running like a scared cat just because I held your hand. My touch didn’t seem so shocking in Jamaica,” he defended.

  “We’re not in Jamaica anymore, Jameson,” I shouted, looking at him directly for the first time since we walked out.

  His head jerked back like I’d slapped him. “What … What does that mean?”

  “Yes, we fucked in Jamaica. But you’re my best friend’s brother. You’re my family, and I won’t screw that up because you can make me orgasm.” It all came pouring out. Everything I’d tried to hide with avoidance just spilled from my lips. I didn’t care about the massacre they left behind. “What do you want from me? A relationship?” I said with a sneer. “Come on. You know me better than that. You know I don’t do relationships. Hell, I’ve never fucked anyone as long as we did in Jamaica.”

  “It wasn’t just fucking. I thought you felt something, Evelyn.” His anger was starting to peek out past the confusion.

  “I did feel something. I felt good. I felt turned on. You were my fling in Jamaica. But we’re home now. I’m ready to get back to the way we work as a family. And I thought that would be easier if we didn’t announce that we fucked like bunnies in Jamaica.” I was breathing heavily from my rant. I propped my hands on my hips, trying to brace myself for his rebuttal.

  But it never came. He stood there with pinched lips and arms crossed across his chest. The silence lasted too long. It may have only been thirty seconds, but it felt like thirty years.

  “I’m sorry.” I said before I turned to get in my car, not looking back as I pulled out of the lot.

  Eighteen

  I wasn’t able to focus. Every time I tried to put pen to paper to work on more sketches my mind would drift, and then I would find myself staring out the window, watching the cars drive across the old stone bridge over the Ohio River. I would wonder where they were going to. Were they happy? Were they running away from something like I felt like I was from Jameson?

  But I wasn’t running away from Jameson. I was standing my ground on who I was: a woman who doesn’t do relationships. A woman who didn’t need one.

  But what if somewhere along the way I’d begun to want one?

  My skin felt too tight. Like a leather shoe that you wanted to love more than anything, but it pinched your heel too tight.

  But leather could be molded. If you wanted it enough. It could work.

  I flopped back on the fluffy pillow on my couch, tossing the sketch pad aside. Taking a few deep breaths, I tried to clear my mind before picking my sketchbook back up for another try.

  Knocking at my door caused me to jerk my head up. I froze as though the person on the other side would be able to see me lounging on my couch in a mid-personality crisis.

  The knocking became pounding, and I got up so the noise didn’t disturb my neighbors. Glancing at the clock, I saw that it was only seven-thirty, but it was Sunday and I didn’t want to be a disturbance. Tightening my long wrap sweater around my body to cover the lace camisole I wore beneath, I moved to the door. I looked out of my peephole and was greeted with a bent head showcasing dark hair brushed back and broad shoulders encased in a familiar navy blue shirt.

  I pulled back and rolled my lips across my teeth, thinking over my options. I leaned forward to look again, just to make sure I wasn’t imagining him outside my door. When his hand lifted to knock again, I flipped the lock and jerked the door open.

  Jameson’s head lifted and his serious eyes scanned over me lingering on my satin sleep pants. All bravado I had ever felt around him was nowhere to be found. I stood before him, clutching the door with one hand and using the other to hold my sweater to my chest like a shield, hesitance written all over my face.

  Once his eyes had made a sweep of my body, he stood to his full height. “We need to talk.”

  Clearing my throat, I stood tall, trying to give off a confidence I didn’t feel while also avoiding eye-contact. “I think we said all we needed to say.”

  “Evelyn,” he warned.

  “Thank you for stopping by Jameson,” I moved to close the door. “But it’s late and –”

  His palm slapped against the door to push it open, and he walked in. Finally, some of my backbone kicked in at being pushed around, and I stood my ground, glaring at him even as he pushed me back with his large body so he had room to slam the door.

  “Get that sassy look off your face.”

  Instead, I arched my brow and smirked at him, challenging him.

  “You think you’re so in control.” He circled me and then began backing me against the door.

  “I am.”

  “Oh, Evelyn,” he laughed. “You may have had control over all the other pansy-ass boys you dated and used,” he continued caging me in with his arms on either side of my head. “But I see you. I see the loss of control in your eyes.” I pinched my lips as he moved his face closer to mine, trying to keep up a wall between us. He leaned in with his lips close to my ear. “You know it’s there. But what I’m not sure you know, and I can feel radiating off you in waves, begging me for more…,” he continued as I stared at him, wide-eyed, and waited for him to tell me what he saw in me. “…is that you like it.”

  Immediately, I shook my head in denial. “No,” I whispered back weakly.

  His tongue dragged up the shell of my ear. “Don’t shake your head at me. I know you, Evelyn. That’s why you dated all those sissies, because you never wanted a man to challenge your control. You knew you would love it and you avoided it to stay in your safe, solitary cocoon.”

  My chest heaved, occasionally brushing against his pressed so close to mine. Even while my mind was screaming that it was false, my head still tipped to the side to let him nibble his way down my neck, biting, sucking, kissing.

  “Let me in.”

  The simple request whispered against my chest ripped through me like a roar. My first response was an immediate denial and I kept shaking my head, unable to say no.

  “Do this with me, Evelyn. At least try.”

  “Jameson… I…” I stuttered. “You know I don’t do relationships.”

  “Just try.” He bit down on my nipple through my camisole, making my back arch off the wall. “Are you scared?” He pushed harder, knowing I would never back down from a challenge. But still, I hesitated. This wasn’t me. I couldn’t do it. Even if looking into his familiar eyes, remembering the way this man was with me in Jamaica, made me want to scream yes. It scared me too much to give a part of myself like he was asking.

  Clenching my jaw in frustration at my own inability to force my mind and body to make one choice, I lightly knocked my head against the wall. “I can’t.”

  Jameson knew he was breaking me down. He knew my tics for when I was losing and getting angry about it. “You can. And you will.”

  He spun me around and pulled my hips to his, pressing his erection into my ass. Kissing his way up my neck, he tore the sweater off my arms and tossed it aside before dragging his hands from my hips, over my breast, and to my hands, placing them on the door in front of me, forcing me to bend over to keep my ass pressed into him.

  I should have stopped him, but when his fingers wrapped around the waistband of my pants and dragged them and my panties down, I knew I wouldn’t. It had been less than a week and I was dying to feel him inside me again. He was right about the boys. They were easy to control, and I never got as much satisfaction from them. But hearing the zipper of Jameson’s jeans and seeing them drop to his ankles behind me, I knew he would never fail to give me more satisfaction than I knew what to do with.

  One hand on the small of my back pushed down, making me arch my back more and enabling him to push his cock into me. His head brushed against my pussy, teasing me. “Please.
”

  “That’s a good girl. You beg so well.”

  He knew his words would irritate me and I wanted to stand up and stop everything then just to prove a point that I didn’t need to beg when his hand held me in place and he pushed in on one long, hard stroke. We both moaned out the relief of having him fuck me again.

  He stayed still for only a moment and let me get acclimated to feeling him stretch me before moving his hands to my hips and starting to fuck me hard. His fingers dug into my hips with bruising strength and I relished the thought of seeing the marks in the morning.

  “Tell me you’ll do this with me,” he demanded, reaching a hand up to grip my swaying breasts, pinching my nipple.

  “No…” I gasped out, weakly, barely any fight behind my words. “You know I can’t.”

  “Yes. You. Can.” He punctuated each word with a hard thrust.

  My orgasm was rising, mixing with everything else swirling inside me. When I became so focused on the feel of him wrapped around me, the way his fingers rolled my nipple, the way I felt safe and secure within his control, I couldn’t remember what I was fighting for. I couldn’t remember why I was denying myself the pleasure of this man fucking me. Denying the way he lit up my world when he walked into a room. Denying everything he gave me.

  The emotions whipped across my skin with the tingling heat of my approaching orgasm. Each time he pushed in, I cried out as he hit my g-spot. He was rough and ruthless in claiming what he wanted. And I was becoming lost in the pleasure, pushing back against his hard thrusts.

  Leaning back, he delivered a stinging slap to my ass. Again. And again. It mixed with the adrenaline coursing through my veins, spreading the pleasure further.

  “Say it, Evelyn. Say it.” Another slap. “Say you’ll stop denying me.” Laying his chest over my back, he reached under me and slapped my clit, whispering his demand in my ear. “Tell me you’ll be mine.”

  With another slap, I detonated. My toes curled into the hardwood and my fingers scraped against the solid door as my mouth opened in a soundless cry and my pussy squeezed his dick. I drew in a deep breath and crashed, only supported by the man behind me, continuing to fuck me with relentless power.