Getting a Life

by Chrissie Loveday

  'Oh. Sorry. Of course you have. It's been a terrific evening. Thank you so much for coming with me.'

  'Thank you for asking me.'

  'Can we do it again sometime?'

  'I er ... I'm not sure what I'm going to be doing.'

  'Okay. Well, any time you feel like eating out, I'm your man.' He leaned forward and planted a kiss on her cheek. She couldn't really avoid it and smiled once more.

  'Thanks again Roy.' At last, she thought, shutting the door behind him. Never again, she decided. There was something about going out with anyone for the sake of going out. It simply did not work. She allowed herself to think about Mike once more. Why was he so different? It must be the thing they wrote about called magic. The umph that people had when they were together ... only this time, it was all one sided. It was only her who felt it. Obviously Mike was happy enough to have sex with her but if it turned into anything else, he didn't want it. Could she accept that? Could she make do with what he offered and no more? It needed careful consideration. She went to bed and lay awake for ages, thinking. How stupid she had been to fall for him. He was clearly in it for whatever he could get., she kept telling herself.

  Trisha came into the office to pester her the following day.

  'Well? How was yesterday evening?'

  'All right.'

  'Don't blow me away with enthusiasm. I know you went out with Roy. He was telling everyone he was taking you out. So, how was it?'

  'Okay. Like I said, all right.'

  'And are you going out with him again?'

  'I really don't think so.'

  'Why on earth not? Don't tell me, it's still Mike, isn't it?'

  'Maybe. He was at the same restaurant last night.'

  'And?'

  'He came to speak to me. Said he'd give me a call soon.'

  'Oh dear. Don't bank on him. Please don't. He isn't worth the making such an effort.'

  'I won't get caught up anything again. Don't worry about it. Just because we have ... had... something special, well for just a little space of time. I won't go there again.'

  'Good. Make sure you don't. He's got too many hang ups. Too much baggage to cart around with him. You need a nice uncomplicated person to go out with.'

  'Like Roy for example?'

  'Well yes. Not necessarily Roy but someone straight forward like Roy.'

  'Well, thank you very much for the advice session. Now I've got a class to go to.'

  'See you later. I'm not done yet.'

  'I can't wait.' She did her best to avoid her friend and her chatting for a while.

  After two more days of waiting, Mike finally called her at home during the evening.

  'Hallo Joanne.' She recognised his voice immediately, loving his soft tones.

  'Mike. How are you?'

  'I was wondering if I could come round?'

  'What now?'

  'Well, yes. Or later if you prefer.'

  'What do you want?'

  'We need to talk. I need to talk. Please.'

  'Can't we talk on the phone?'

  'I'd like to come round.' She thought about it. Once he came into her house, she knew she wouldn't be able to resist him. It wouldn't do her any good to re-kindle it all again.

  'I'm really not sure it's a good idea.'

  'Think about it, please. I'll call you again tomorrow. There are so many things I need to say to you.'

  'I will think about it. Call me tomorrow and I'll let you know my answer.'

  'Okay.' He sounded hesitant, she realised. 'Same time tomorrow. Bye.'

  'Good bye.' She put the phone down. She was shaking. She tried to stop but she shivered and continued to shake and shiver for the next half an hour. Why did he have this effect on her?

  She thought about him the whole evening. She picked up the phone on several occasions to call him back but made herself resist the temptation. She must not see him. She must see him. Her self arguments continued for most of the evening. By the following evening, she had firmly decided that it could do no harm. Whatever he wanted, she would not get too close to him. She would not let him touch her, kiss her or anything else. If he was coming round, it would be to talk.

  The evening arrived. She ate a small supper and sat waiting for the phone to ring. The appointed time came and went. No call. He must have decided to forget about her after all. Ironic after all the thought she'd given to him. She put on her television and sat watching some rubbish that appeared. By ten o'clock she had given up on him. He was now officially "out of her life".

  It was a Friday. The start of the weekend. All she now needed was something to do with herself. She could always go home to see her parents. No, she would leave that till later. She would go shopping tomorrow. That would be good, she tried hard to tell herself. She might even enjoy it a little. If she was capable of enjoying anything any more. She simply had to get out of this mood she was in.

  Chapter Eleven

  It was early the next morning when her phone rang. It was Mike, who was now officially out of her life.

  'I waited in last night but you didn't call.'

  'I'm so sorry. I got a call out and had to go and do my duty. It was too early to call you when I got the message and had to be there for six o'clock. I am so sorry.'

  'Don't mention it. I'm off to the shops now.'

  'Can I come round this evening?'

  'I ... well, okay. If you want to.'

  'Thank you. Do you want to go out somewhere? To eat or just for a drink?'

  'I don't think that would be a good idea at all. You want to talk. Come round and talk. I must go now.'

  'Okay. I'll see you later.'

  She put the phone down and panicked. Should she offer him dinner? Should she offer wine? No, of course not. He would come round, say what he had to say and go away again. She would make sure of that. She would never allow herself to be entangled with him again, however much her hormones screamed at her. She got herself ready to go shopping.

  Needing to occupy herself, Joanne had returned with a whole heap of carrier bags. She had bought several new things to wear as well as doing a food shop. It had been a strange day. She had even called Trisha to suggest they met for coffee but she was out. By six o'clock, she was giving every appearance of being cool and collected. She changed into one of her new tops and jeans. It made a change from her long skirts and may provoke a comment but she didn't care. She was ready for Mike's arrival and for whatever he might say.

  She heard his bike coming along the road and was ready for him. When the doorbell rang, she took a deep breath and went to answer it. He stood there looking as handsome as ever she remembered. His dark hair, slightly too long curled into his neck. His eyes looked a more intense blue than she remembered.

  'Please, won't you come in?' she asked him, working hard to sound casual. Just being so close to him made her want to reach out and touch him. But she remembered her self imposed rules.

  'Thanks.' He leaned forward to kiss her but she pretended not to notice and went into the sitting room. He followed her, taking off his jacket en route. 'How are you?'

  'Fine thanks. You?'

  'I'm fine too.'

  'Good. I'm glad.'

  'Or I will be when we've got a few things straightened out.'

  'Fire away then. Oh, please sit down.'

  'Thanks. Firstly, let me say how sorry I am for messing you around. I never intended to stop seeing you altogether. It was a stupid moment of aggression.' He paused, waiting for her to say something. She remained silent. 'Are we still friends?'

  'I suppose so. Yes, all right. We are still friends.' She desperately wanted to feel his hands moving over her body again but she swallowed hard and tried not to think of it.

  'Good. That's a great start. I was afraid I'd blown it completely. When I said it was all getting too intense, well, I should never have said that. It was getting rather intense but we should both have been able to cope with that.'

  'I'm just not really sure why you didn't w
ant to see me.'

  'You did keep on about my escort duties,' he said defensively.

  'Okay. Maybe I said too much about it. But you must realise what ... how I was feeling. I absolutely hated it.'

  'This is partly why I felt we needed a break. I really need to do it. I have to do it. I really need to have enough money to live the way I do. Our flat is very expensive. I am still thinking of going back home. Mel still wants to move his girl friend in there so it may well be that I have to move out.'

  'You'll lose your independence.'

  'Tell me about it. But there's something else you should know.'

  'Go on,' she told him. She was feeling so mixed up she hardly dared say anything. 'What is it?' Her mind raked through babies he's had, someone he'd made pregnant. Who could tell what he was capable of? But this was Mike. He'd never do anything like that, surely?

  'I had a fairly passionate affair with someone. She left me and went away. Overseas in fact. I simply daren't risk seeing anyone so much it hurts, like it did when Sarah dumped me. She'd even talked about getting engaged. That had really scared me. I didn't want to be engaged to anyone at the time and then when she went away so finally, it seemed everything was over. My father told me she'd asked him for money for her charity. He'd given her quite a chunk. I was pretty upset about that when I found it out. He'd actually helped her to leave me. I could hardly believe it. I was bereft and left on my own. I found the flat and then Mel to share it with me. It became much too expensive, on my wages. I asked Dad if he's pay me some more but he said he couldn't possibly. It's okay for Sally. She's got her husband to help her out. So, I saw the agency and joined up. It began to pay rather well so I carried on with it. Well, the rest you know.'

  'I see. I didn't suspect anything like that. I'm sorry.' She felt a lump come into her throat, almost stopping her from speaking. She blinked away tears. Why on earth was she wanting to cry? She was quite aware that he had obviously slept with someone before. Most people had. But to hear it like this was something else. 'And you've heard nothing of her since?'

  'Not a thing. Do you understand my problems now?'

  'I suppose so. Do you want a drink?' she asked suddenly, anything to get her out of the room for a moment or two.

  'That would be nice. Only if you want something too.'

  She went to the kitchen and opened some wine. Should she offer him something to eat? No, she decided. Wine was quite enough. She picked it up and a couple of glasses.

  'I'm not sure why you're telling me all this. What does it mean to us?' She poured out two glasses and handed one to him.

  'I was hoping it might explain why I was hesitating. We've become very close. I realised that. You were getting too close to me and I was beginning to feel I had to explain everything I was doing when we were apart.'

  'Well, it's good we finished then. You can now do your own thing and leave me out of all of it.'

  'Don't be like this.'

  'Sorry? How do you mean?'

  'Please don't be like this.'

  'Well, I'm sorry you feel like that. How do you think it feel when someone tells you you're getting too keen on them? Then says he wants to take a break? Not exactly flattering is it?'

  'Oh Jo, please don't take it to heart like that. I felt if I told you of my concerns, it may make things all right again.'

  'Well, you got it wrong.'

  'I'd better finish my drink and go then.'

  'Maybe you should.' He emptied his glass and stood up.

  'Please?' he said.

  'I need time to think. I simply don't understand how you could make love to me ... maybe it was just sex. But not when you were hanging onto something that seems to have changed your life so much.'

  'I thought it was something I could do. It was my reason for not seeing people outside the agency and I broke my own rules. My agency work, I mean. I never realised how much it would come to mean to you. And to me of course.'

  'Think about it. You were my first man and you knew I was falling in love with you. Then you went off to escort someone else and be charming to them. How on earth was I supposed to feel about it? It was hardly flattering was it? Then you told me not to be too intense. How was I supposed to feel about that? But I really couldn't help it. Anyway, I'm over all of that now,' she told him.

  'It couldn't have been love, then,' he snapped.

  'No. Not at all.' This time when she spoke, she felt near to tears again. It was all very well lying to him but it wasn't easy. She knew that she still loved him but she wasn't going to let him know that. No way.

  'I'd better go now.'

  She wasn't able to speak and simply nodded. He picked up his jacket ... the same leather jacket she had loved so much ... and slipped it on. He stopped before he went out. He reached for her and kissed her lips.

  'No ... please don't. It would all be so easy to slip back.'

  'But I care for you.'

  'I can't do this. I daren't do it.' She pushed away from him. She tried so hard not to want him that he gave up and left her standing in her lounge. He went out and she stood still, half wondering whether to go after him and bring him back. She stayed exactly where he had left her and soon, she heard his bike roar off along the road. What had she done? He was trying to apologise to her in his way. She had turned him down. It was all much too painful to get back together. Could she bear to sit back and let him go off on his escort duties? The simple answer was no. There nothing she could do about it. He'd come back to her and now he'd gone again. She had to suck it up and accept it. There must be other men she could meet. None of them could possibly be like Mike, though. She poured herself another glass of wine and slumped down on the sofa.

  Unlike Trisha, who wanted to share everything, Joanne sat quietly on her own. She wondered about phoning her friend to pour out her troubles but decided against it. She felt tears rolling down her cheeks unchecked and eventually, took herself off to bed. She felt drained. Exhausted. Emotionally and physically. She realised she must have slept, though it didn't feel like it. She wondered if Mike had slept. Should she have given him another chance? It was something she would never know.

  The next few days were telling on her health. She caught one of her rare colds and took a day off. Several of her colleagues also had colds and so college was full of people sniffing and sneezing. It all seemed very depressing. On Friday they all went to the pub, as usual but nobody was really in the mood and they went home early. When she arrived back, she saw someone had phoned. She pressed the playback button. It was Mike. Her heart thumped as she listened to his message.

  'Hi. I wondered if you'd had enough time to think yet. There's something else I wanted to tell you. I've been offered a job in America. I have to say if I'll take it or not fairly soon. I wondered if you'd consider coming with me? Call me back when you hear this message. Please Joanne. Don't just leave me unknowing.'

  She sat down, still wearing her outdoor clothes. She thought about what he'd said, her heart racing madly. He'd actually asked her to go with him to America. That had to mean something. She thought about it. He'd threatened to find another job and now he had. What would that do to his father's company? And could she actually bear to leave the UK? Her parents would be very upset, not that she saw them that often. Her first instincts were to phone him back and say yes. Yes, yes, yes. But thinking about it seriously, how did she know if he'd marry her? She wouldn't go unless he did, she decided. She picked up the phone and then put it down again. She played the message again. They obviously needed to talk some more. At last, she plucked up enough courage and dialled his number.

  'Hallo? It's me,' she said.

  'Oh Joanne. Thanks so much for calling me back. I wasn't entirely sure you would.'

  'I was very surprised to get your message. Congratulations on the job offer. What is it to do?' She tried hard to show interest without commitment.

  'It's a manufacturing company. They make parts for aircraft. Something I think I can do easily. It's nothing
so very different from what I do now, really. But I wouldn't consider going on my own. I'd really like you to come too.'

  'What do you mean?'

  'Please Jo, won't you come with me?'

  'My goodness. You don't half spring things on people don't you?'

  'Just think about it. New York. Everything that means. The whole of America ours, to explore.'

  'I'm overwhelmed by your suggestion.'

  'I want you to think about it, please.'

  'I'm really not sure. Give me some time to think about it.'

  'Okay. But I have to decide pretty soon.'

  'Can we meet tomorrow? To talk it all through?'

  'Sure. When?'

  'In the afternoon or evening, maybe? I'm all behind with everything this week. I've had a rotten cold much of the time so haven't shopped or cleaned.'

  'Don't worry about cleaning or anything. Can't I come round in the morning?'

  'Well, if you want to. All right. I'll see you in the morning.'

  'Brilliant. I'll be there. Thanks so much.'

  After she put the phone down, she wondered why he wanted to come so early in the day. Perhaps he had an engagement in the evening. She sighed. Should she call her parents for their advice? No, certainly not. She'd have to think it through for herself. Nobody else could possibly advise her on this one.

  He arrived at ten o'clock. She watched as his bike came into her road and stopped outside.

  She opened the door and he reached for her to kiss her. However much she wanted it, she was cautious. He was clearly very excited by his prospects. He picked her up and whirled her round in a tight circle.

  'Oh Joanne. Thank you for seeing me. So, what do you think of my idea?'

  'I'm very surprised I suppose. What do your parents think?'

  'I haven't told them about it yet. Oh Joanne, it's all rather exciting. If I accept the job ... I have to do so by Tuesday next week, by the way, I'll go out there in a few weeks. I'd really love it if you'd agree to come too.'

  'On what sort of terms? I mean, would you want to be married first?'

  'I hadn't really thought about that. I just wanted you to be a part of it. Please come with me.'