Breath We Take (Cuffed By Love Duet Book 1)

by Amanda Kaitlyn

  The words warmed me all over and I knew they were true.

  Our love was everlasting.

  ***

  “So when’s the big day?” June asked as we cleaned up the kitchen after dinner, her warm, amber eyes landing on me.

  “We were thinking Christmas time. I want everyone to be able to make it and between my schedule at the hospital and Hudson going back to work soon, it just seems like the perfect time.” The broad, beaming smile she gave me told me she must have agreed with me and a shocked, yet happy gasp left me when she set down the dish she’d been drying and quickly took me into her arms, her embrace tight and her hands soothing that rubbed up and down the length of my back. I breathed in her sweet scent, a mixture of a lightly, fragrant perfume and the flour that stained her cooking apron. My chest felt tight as I let her hold me like that, knowing that she considered me one of her own, now.

  I just wished I could have had moments like this with my own mom.

  God, I missed her.

  She wouldn’t be here to attend my wedding or see me in my dress.

  She wouldn’t get to meet our children or be in their lives.

  The sting beneath my eyes worsened at the very thought of those missed memories and I swallowed thickly, forcing the loss I was remembering into the back of my mind, where I’d revisit it when there weren’t prying eyes and sympathetic glances.

  “Oh, honey, what’s wrong? Am I smothering you? I’m sorry…”

  “No! No, please, June. You’ve been amazing.” I pulled back from her and smiled, feeling my eyes stinging and my nose tingling, a sign of the emotion that was growing inside of me. But I pushed it back.

  I wasn’t going to let my past ruin this moment.

  “I guess I’m just not used to…” I wasn’t sure what I was trying to say.

  I wasn’t used to the affection, the family, the kindness I knew she felt for me.

  I wanted to melt into it and be a part of it, but it was scary, too.

  I’d already lost so many people.

  What if I lost this, too?

  I was getting a chance to be a part of something bigger than myself, people that truly cared and wanted the best for me.

  I didn’t want to mess it up.

  Feeling hands cupping my face, I opened my eyes, not realizing I’d closed them in the midst of my inner struggle.

  “Hudson told me about your mother, Emberly. I’m so sorry, and I know those words aren’t enough. But, I love you, already, honey. I hope you’ll let me get to know you and maybe one day you’ll think of me as a mother, too?”

  My heart melted at her question and I knew she cared. She was such a good and kind woman and wanted nothing more than to get to know the woman her only son would marry. I never really thought I would have a second chance at a family; one that didn’t come with conditions or painful revelations.

  This was my second chance and I was grabbing onto it with both hands.

  “I would love nothing more, June.”

  Her smile spread over her face, reaching her eyes as they sparked with an acceptance I wasn’t sure I’d ever felt from my father.

  He hadn’t really been much of a father, though. But at the time, it was all I had that resembled a family. I was realizing now that family was so much more than what that man gave me.

  June, Robert and the rest of Hudson’s family were my real family.

  “Come on, now. I think I have some of my old wedding planners upstairs. Let’s plan us a wedding!”

  I smiled so big I was sure I had cracked my cheeks but damn, did it feel good.

  Chapter Thirty Five

  Hudson

  I HAVE TO go, baby.” I loosen my arm around Emberly’s shoulders and tip her chin up with my thumb, wanting her beautiful eyes on me.

  “I know.” She nods, lifting up to meld our mouths together and the sweet softness of her full lips almost had me wanting to stay at home with her. It’s been a few weeks since I’d taken leave from the department and my time off was about up. If I was honest, I’d missed the beat. The challenge of the job and the rush of chasing a collar. It was time.

  I was going to miss the fuck out of my girl, though.

  “How about a late dinner, I’ll pick something up on my way home.”

  That seemed to perk her up as she shifted in my hold and reached up to caress my jaw, the prickle of a beard I hadn’t bothered trimming bristled under her adoration's. I took one last greedy taste of her before pulling back and moving my mouth to the top of her head.

  I hated fucking leaving her.

  “Be careful.”

  “I always am, Darlin’. I love you.”

  A bright, blinding smile spreads over her face as she leans in, her arms hooking around my neck as her lips ghost over mine in a barely there kiss that leaves me craving even more of her.

  “I love you, too. Now go.”

  And against my better judgment, I did.

  Chapter Thirty Six

  Emberly

  SOMETHING’S BOTHERING YOU, Isn’t there?” Ashlee sat at the kitchen island, a steaming cup of coffee between her hands and her big, knowing eyes trained on me. I twisted my fingers in front of me from where I sat across from her and dropped my face into my palms, the spreading dread tight in my lower stomach and spreading through me the more time passed since he’d left for work.

  I’d known it was only a matter of time until he would go back and thought I would be prepared. He was a cop. I knew that. He thrived on helping people and protecting those he loved. I knew that, too.

  But, I’d almost lost him.

  “I don’t know, Ash. We’re in such a good place and if something happened to him…” My words trail off as emotion clogged my throat and I closed my eyes, trying to get a hold of myself. It’s not just worry that’s bothering me and I think my best friend knows that. It’s the fear of the unknown. I’d never had to worry about losing people before because except for Ashlee and my Mom,I never truly had loved ones.

  Family was a foreign concept to me. Having people in my life that cared for me, wanted the best for me; just because they cared. It was new for me. Knowing Hudson had changed everything. Now I had this whole family that cared and loved me, just because I was the girl he loved.

  It was amazing and scary and a little crazy and I was latching onto it with both hands. It’s what I’d wanted for so much of my life. To be loved.

  Even the thought of losing any of them scared me.

  Ashlee grabbed my hands in hers and implored me with her eyes, a clarity in them I must have needed because once I realized she understood, something inside of me calmed. The undercurrent of anxiety for him remained.

  “He’s smart, Emberly. You have to believe that he’ll be okay. You believe that, don’t you?”

  How could I?

  A maniac from my past had trapped him in a room and set off a bomb that would have undoubtedly taken him from me, forever.

  Forever.

  “You don’t understand, Ash. I almost lost…”

  “I know that. He knows that, too. Do you think he’d ever risk his life if he thought there was a chance he wouldn’t be able to come home to you? He wouldn’t. He loves you way too much to risk that.”

  I pulled my hands from her grasp and shook my head, pacing the length of the tiled, kitchen floor as my concern for the man I loved continued to grow.

  She just didn’t understand.

  “He risks it every day, Ash. Every day he’ll go to work and he’ll do his job. A job I know he loves. He wears that badge with pride and I know how much it means to him, to follow in his grandfathers footsteps. He had other choices, but he chose the department. It’s all he’s ever wanted to do with his life. What kind of person would I be if I took that away from him?”

  I curled my shaky fingers through my hair, still up in a messy up-do since I hadn’t gotten in the shower quite yet. I was a mess, but I couldn’t seem to snap myself out of the feelings I was fighting with.

  I lo
ved how protective and loyal Hudson was to those he loved and cared for. It was something I was sure he’d gotten from his own father and his grandfather who’d been shot in the line of duty; much too young. Was that what awaited us?

  Would I lose him too soon?

  Was my worry warranted?

  Would he understand why I felt like this?

  I didn’t have any answers and moving back to the counter and sitting next to Ashlee again, I realized I didn’t know where I’d find them.

  “You should tell him you’re worried.”

  I shook my head, not willing to take away something I knew he loved.

  I would have rather worry and fret every day than wake up one day to find that the man I loved despised me for taking his livelihood away from him.

  “He loves his job, Ash. I’m not doing that.”

  “He loves you more. Don’t tell me you believe he’d choose his job over you because he wouldn’t.”

  I turned on her, then, my constant anxiety over Hudson turning to annoyance of her incapability to understand why I felt that way.

  She was dating Tristan. Didn’t she worry, too?

  “Can you say the same for Tristan? Don’t you worry that he’ll…”

  I hated even saying it, because it felt as if I said it, it would become a possibility.

  I didn’t want to lose anyone I loved.

  Was that so much to ask?

  “Of course I do. But I know he takes every precaution to make sure that he’s safe with the missions he does go on and when he’s on the beat, it’s unlikely he even draws his gun. The rest, I just have faith, Emberly. You will, too.”

  I exhaled heavily, unsure if the faith she talked about was something I could learn to have. Faith hadn’t kept my father from hurting my mother.

  Why would I rely on it, now?

  “I don’t think I can do that.”

  “Talk to him.”

  Nodding, we stood and hugged for a few minutes, he whispering reassurances in my ear and me wanting to believe them, yet knowing I most likely wouldn’t.

  When she was gone, I sat back down and sipped from my coffee, in hopes it would give me enough liquid courage to talk to Hudson about it when he came home. God knew I needed some.

  ***

  “It’s good to have you back, honey. How is Hudson?”

  “He’s good, Linda. He’s really good.”

  Linda pulled away from our embrace and smiled and I wondered how we’d gotten here. After the assault, I’d decided to take some time off from work. I needed some time to recover and I think Hudson needed time with me, too.

  To reaffirm our bond. But it had been a few weeks since everything happened and I was missing the babies something fierce.

  So, I was back.

  “It’s good to be back, Linda. Thank you so much, for everything.”

  “We’ve missed you, Emberly. Go on up and I’ll have someone come cover you in a few hours, okay?”

  Nodding, I hugged her one last time before heading toward the elevator that would lead to my floor, where the infants I’d seen on nearly a daily basis before my leave of absence waited for me. I’m sure most of them had been discharged by now, but I’d see them during their quarterly visits and I was excited for that. Going back to work was what I needed right now.

  “Emberly, is that you?”

  “Ellie! Oh my gosh!”

  I rushed over to her and engulfed her in a hug, excitement bubbling up inside when I saw the slight bump protruding from her canary yellow scrubs. She was pregnant and I could see the glow I often noticed from mothers that visited the unit before their babies were born. Often they would stand outside the baby unit and just sigh at the sight of so many new lives and the dreams they had for their own would grow as they watched from the glass.

  I left for a few weeks and I’d missed her big announcement, it seemed.

  “You have to tell me everything!”

  Her laughter in my ear was light and airy and I could tell she was happy.

  I’d known she’d been dating someone new before my leave but had no idea it was so serious…

  “It’s not like it was planned or anything. Darren and I…”

  I pulled back, smirking at his name. A security guard in the hospital, of course he was. We often worked twelve to twenty four hour shifts and after that, who had time to date?

  I wouldn’t have if it wasn’t for the insatiable and persistent man I was going to marry. He wouldn’t take no for an answer, not even in the beginning.

  “When did you find out?”

  “Last week. I told him, thinking he’d be upset with me for forgetting my pill but he was so happy, Emberly. So happy.”

  I grinned widely and hugged her again.

  God, this was just what I needed to get out of my own head after my melt down this morning. Maybe I’d just been cooped up for too long in the house and then in the hospital after Tristan’s accident and begun to go a little stir-crazy.

  “I’m so damn happy for you!”

  “I’m so nervous.”

  “You’re going to do great, Ellie. And I’ll help you.”

  She was the one to pull back this time and her haunted eyes met mine. I could still see the excitement in them but now they were masked with worry.

  I knew the feeling.

  “You’re going to be an awesome mother.”

  She nodded quickly, only then looking around where eyes of the other nurses were on both of us.

  “I’m really glad you’re back. How’s that sexy cop of yours?”

  I felt my cheeks blush at her words and I grinned like a fool, again only this time it was all for my Hudson.

  “He’s amazing. We’re engaged.”

  “Oh my gosh! The ring is just beautiful, Emberly. I’m so excited! I’m invited, right?”

  I laughed at her, shaking my head.

  If I had my way, the whole wing would be invited.

  “Of course you are! I’m going to put my things away and then we can figure out the schedule. Is Ash here?”

  “I’m here! Just late.”

  My head turned to see my best friend running up the stairs, her face red from exertion and her arms full of bags from the local market.

  “Let me help you. Why didn’t you use the elevator?”

  “Well, I didn’t get to the gym this morning.”

  She was a nut.

  Taking four plastic bags from her, we headed to the break room where I busied myself with stocking the cabinets while she set to reorganizing the fridge.

  “Did you talk to him?”

  At the reminder of our conversation this morning, I deflated.

  There was no imagining my worries for what Hudson did for a living.

  They were living, breathing, masses of emotion inside of me and at the mention of them, the chill of dreadful nerves returned.

  I had a sudden urge to snap at my friend, then but refrained.

  “No, he’s working until ten.”

  “Is he picking you up tonight? If not, I can drive you home.”

  I narrowed my eyes at her as I shrugged on my scrubs, fixing my hair into the low pony tail I always wore it in at the hospital.

  “You don’t have a car, Ash.”

  “Yes I do.” She pulled out a pair of keys to what I was guessing was Tristan’s sleek, new Lexus. Nice.

  I’d sneaked a look at it during the house warming party we’d had last week. Tristan bought it straight out and it was brand new, too.

  “Oh! We’re going to have fun.”

  ***

  “It’s so smooth.”

  “I know, right? I already told him it’s my car. He just doesn’t know it yet.”

  That was just like Ashlee. She loved the finer things in life.

  As I ran my hand over the brand new, leather seats and smelled the distinctive new car smell, I couldn’t say I didn’t enjoy it.

  It was nice.

  It was just the thing to take my mind off the talk awaiti
ng me at home. After Hudson proposed, I hadn’t wanted to wait to live with him and he’d had me moved in that night. Thankfully Ashlee and Tristan were looking for a place of their own and were able to take over the lease for me, so I hadn’t had to worry about breaking it. And I loved coming home to Hudson. He was my everything.

  But with the day I’d had and the overwhelming feelings I’d dealt with earlier in the day, I wished I could avoid him, at least for a little while.

  “He’ll understand.”

  I looked over at Ashlee and she must have seen the war I was having with myself. Her eyes were wide and knowing and I nodded, though her words hadn’t weighed on me. Not when my own mind was going in circles.

  A part of me wanted to just ignore what was happening, because that’s what I normally do when I’m scared or upset about something in my life.

  I just ignore it, in hopes it will sort itself out.

  I have a feeling this won’t, though.

  “I hope so. I love him so much.”

  “Babe. He knows that.”

  We pulled up to the house quicker than I thought we would and I reached over to hug my best friend before closing the heavy, car door behind me.

  Steeling myself, I took a deep breath.

  Here goes nothing.

  Chapter Thirty Seven

  Hudson

  WHEN I HEARD her key in the door, I headed that way eager to get my greedy hands on her, again. I hadn’t realized how much I would feel her absence when I went back to work but fuck, I did. It had only been a mere day since I saw her last and it felt so much longer.

  My eyes swept over her as she walked in the door, her flats barely audible against the hardwood floors of the entry way.

  My Emberly was a cute little mass of wild blonde hair and worn, wrinkled blue scrubs and I couldn’t breathe at the sight of her.

  Even dragging from her shift at the hospital, her normally pale face flushed from the sun and her lips chapped from biting at them as she often did when she was nervous; she was exquisite.

  My woman.

  God, I’d missed her.

  “Come here, Darlin’.”

  I tugged her into my arms and face planted in her blonde locks, inhaling her unmistakably decadent scent, letting the essence of her overwhelm me.