Living Again

by L. L. Collins

  “Kayley,” Emily hugged her best friend, wishing she could convince her that it was okay to move on with her life. “Alex would never fault you for moving on. You’re young. You can’t spend your whole life feeling guilty because he died. Ben is a great guy, you said so yourself. He’s not proposing marriage, Kayley. All he’s asking for is to get to know you, and Alexis.”

  “I know everything you’re saying is true, Em,” Kayley caught Alexis and helped her back up the steps to the top of the slide again. “But I just don’t know how. I’m too scared.”

  Kayley kissed Alexis, holding her close. “Bye bye, baby. Be good for Nana.” Alexis squealed and toddled over to Kayley’s mom, holding her arms up for her to pick her up.

  “Thanks, Mom,” Kayley smiled. “I’ll pick her up tomorrow morning.”

  “Don’t worry about it,” her mom nuzzled Alexis’ soft head. “Lexi and I are going to be just fine. You take as long as you need to get here tomorrow, and have fun tonight. Happy Birthday, baby. I know this was not at all how you imagined spending your birthdays, but please- try to have fun.”

  Kayley swallowed the lump in her throat. Alex had always made her birthdays so special. “I will have fun, Mom. Thanks again. See you tomorrow.”

  Kayley slid into her car and started for Emily’s house. Her thoughts drifted to Ben. It had been two weeks since she had gone to the beach with him on the impromptu date. The one that she completely freaked out on and made him take her back to her car. She hadn’t had the nerve to try to contact him since, and he hadn’t contacted her, either. Though she didn’t have his phone number and he didn’t have hers, she knew that wouldn’t stop them if either of them really wanted to find the other.

  Idiot, she thought to herself. Here this guy is, going all out for you, and he kisses you and you act like he has a disease! The thing about it was, she had been greatly affected by that kiss. Not only had she not kissed anyone but Alex in many, many years, but the kiss he had given her had been so electric, so charged with chemistry that she couldn’t process exactly what was happening. She had completely and totally panicked.

  In the weeks since, Kayley had been unable to get that searing kiss out of her mind or her body. Every time she thought of it, her body tingled and tightened in ways that she hadn’t felt in a long time. She felt actual desire for Ben. It had taken a while for her to admit it to herself, but that was it. The problem was, her mind and her body were in battle with each other because they didn’t agree. At the end of the day, however, she couldn’t let her body win. She didn’t think she could love so completely again, and didn’t feel it was fair to Alexis to spend time she should be with her “dating” men she knew she would never allow a relationship with.

  Kayley pulled into Emily’s driveway and turned off the engine. She smiled as she saw balloons adorning the front porch, thankful for her best friend. Alex always put balloons on their front porch on her birthday, and before they had a front porch he would decorate her car with them. That was one of many ways he showed her he loved her.

  It was Kayley’s first birthday since they had gotten married. She had worked all day and was exhausted, but ready to see what Alex described as a ‘surprise’. Kayley pulled into their driveway and smiled. Colorful balloons floated on strings on their front porch, an Alex classic. She grabbed her purse and walked for the front door. Before she could touch the knob, the door swung open. Alex stood in the doorway, holding a glass of wine and a single red rose. Kayley grinned at him, quickly noting how sexy he looked in her kitchen apron, worn jeans, and no shirt.

  “Happy Birthday, baby,” Alex crooned, handing her the red rose. Kayley moved closer to him, breathing in his wonderful, familiar scent. He pulled her to him with his free hand so their bodies were melded together. Kayley looked into his beautiful eyes and felt the familiar stirring inside of her. No matter how much she was with him, it was never enough.

  Kayley pressed her lips to his, tasting the red wine he had sampled and a hint of whatever he had in the kitchen for them for dinner. He reached behind her and put the wine glass on the entryway table so that he could pull her closer. Kayley couldn’t help but sigh as his tongue entered her mouth and his hands slowly made their way up and down her sides. She ran her fingers through his hair as their tongues danced with each other. Alex made a guttural noise in his throat as she ran her fingernails down his back and into the back pocket of his jeans, where she stuck the rose for safe keeping.

  “What a birthday present you are,” she murmured against his lips. “The gift that keeps on giving.”

  Kayley felt Alex’s smile on her lips as he reached his hands to her backside and pulled her even closer to him. She felt his excitement and that only fueled her desire to continue this right there and now.

  She untied the apron he was wearing and reached her hands around to his bare chest, feeling the ripples in his muscles under her hands.

  “Mrs. Carson,” Alex breathed. “You keep that up you aren’t going to get any dinner.”

  Kayley’s eyes twinkled mischievously as she pulled him by the loosened apron into the kitchen. “Oh, I’m going to get some dinner, alright,” she said seductively.

  A knock on the car window made Kayley jump and broke her daydream. Emily stood there, her face in a knowing smirk. “What are you doing out here?”

  Kayley blinked, staring at her in surprise. “Uh, nothing. Just getting ready to come in.”

  “You’ve been out here for a while,” Emily smiled, taking hold of Kayley’s hand. “Lost in thought?”

  She blinked to keep the tears that threatened to come away. “Just…remembering,” she said, following Emily to the house. She stopped on the porch and touched the balloons that she so thoughtfully put out there. “Thank you for the balloons, Emily.”

  Emily, now realizing what was keeping Kayley in the car, turned and pulled her into her arms. “Kayley,” she started, “I love you. I know this is hard for you, to be without Alex. He was always very thoughtful on your birthday. But, please try to be happy. He would want that. I didn’t do that to make you sad. Can you try to have fun tonight?”

  Kayley took a deep breath, knowing Emily was right and honestly not wanting to be sad. “Yes, Em. I’m going to have a great birthday because you’re so thoughtful and I can’t keep living my life wishing for something that can never be again. I know this, I just wish my brain would and stop flashing me back without any warning.”

  Emily opened the front door and the two women walked into the house. “I get it. One day you will realize that you didn’t think of him that day. Until then, when you get a memory, it’s okay to remember it. Just don’t let it make you sad.”

  Kayley put her purse on the counter and smiled at Emily. “So, where’s the party?”

  Emily beamed. “Rachel is out back by the pool already with Trevor and her flavor of the month, Evan. Brittany, Ashley, Kathy, and Stacy will be coming soon with their guys. There are drinks and snacks set up out there, and Trev is grilling. Get on out there and chill, Birthday Girl.”

  The GPS directed Ben onto the street that would take him to Emily’s house. His stomach churned with nervous anticipation of what he was about to do. He hadn’t seen or talked to Kayley since the day he took her to the beach and then stupidly kissed her. Emily had invited him to Kayley’s birthday party by text a few days ago. She insisted that it would be okay with Kayley though he knew that Emily didn’t tell her.

  What are you thinking, Nichols, Ben chastised himself. He knew that what he was doing tonight could further push Kayley away from him, but at the same time, he couldn’t stop himself from going. He had to see her again and convince her that she wanted to get to know him as much as he wanted to get to know her. He smiled as he recalled her beautiful blonde hair, curly at the ends and so much like her daughter’s, and her big, beautiful green eyes that showed so much more than she realized. It wasn’t just her looks, however, that drew him to Kayley. While he wasn’t sure 100% why he was so drawn to her, e
verything he knew about her to this point showed him that he was right about what kind of person she was. It won’t make sense, Ben, his dad had told him. When you find the one you’re supposed to be with, it will be like a magnetic pull you couldn’t stop if you tried. Ben had thought he found that before, but he had been totally and completely wrong. You thought you were right though, he thought to himself. Who is to say you know how to pick the right one?

  He pulled into the driveway and behind Kayley’s car. Taking a deep breath, he glanced at himself in the rear view mirror. He smoothed his hair back and tried to calm his nerves. It would be okay, right? She wouldn’t be mad for him coming. Just as he was about to open the car door, his phone rang. The Bluetooth showing on his car radio screen said Dana’s name. She had been calling him for weeks and he had been avoiding her.

  He pushed accept on the screen and tried to keep the annoyance out of his voice. “Yes?”

  “Hi, Ben,” Dana purred. He rolled his eyes at her obvious flirtation. He looked at Kayley’s car in front of him and willed this to be quick.

  “What do you want, Dana?” Ben asked, hoping to cut her off quickly so he could get inside.

  “Well, hello to you too,” she laughed, not sensing his impatience with her. “It’s Saturday night, love. Thought you may want some company.”

  “Can’t, Dana. I’m busy tonight. I have to go. Talk to you later.” He disconnected the call and opened the car door.

  He grabbed the gift bag he had gotten Kayley and got out of the car. He walked to the front, noticing the balloons on the porch. He knocked softly on the door and Emily immediately opened it, expecting him.

  “Ben,” Emily smiled, holding open the door so he could walk past. He smiled back at her and kissed her on the cheek. He was so thankful for this woman and her willingness to help him be a part of Kayley’s life.

  “Hey Em,” he followed her into the kitchen and put the gift bag on the table. “How is she?” Emily didn’t need to ask what he was wanting to know.

  She looked at him, a knowing smile on her face. “She was sad when she first got here,” she admitted. “Birthdays were always Alex’s thing with her. But we had a good talk and she is good. She’s outside now talking to Rachel.”

  Ben’s eyes automatically turned and started looking outside the French doors that led to the pool area. He immediately spotted her and he couldn’t stop the gasp that left his mouth. He knew that Kayley was attractive- those workout shorts had definitely shown him that. But seeing her, laying in a chair by the pool, her blonde hair fanned out behind her and wearing a very, very small bathing suit, it was almost more than he could bear. His pulse raced and his mouth dried out.

  A giggle from Emily broke him out of his trance, and he turned briefly to look at her. “Ben, Ben, Ben,” she chastised. “Looks like someone saw something he liked.” Emily patted him on the back as his eyes, with a mind of their own, went back to Kayley laying in that chair by the pool. She ran her fingers through her hair and then twisted it up and secured it with an elastic band. She then adjusted her hot pink bikini top, retying it before turning over onto her stomach to tan her back. Ben cleared his throat and tried to look away. You’re going to have to think about something else before you embarrass yourself, he thought, trying to name diseases in his head to calm himself down.

  “Maybe coming to a pool party wasn’t such a good idea,” Ben practically whispered. Emily was enjoying his reaction to her best friend, which was evident by her all out laughter at his comment.

  Emily stepped in front of him, blocking his view of Kayley by the pool. “Ben, Kayley is hot. You’d be stupid if you didn’t know that before today. The fact that you’re standing here, absolutely unable to move because you’re staring at her, makes me want to cry myself.”

  Ben scrunched his eyebrows, meeting Emily’s eyes. “Cry? Why?”

  Emily put her hands on his arms. “Because,” she said, her face serious. “Kayley deserves someone to look at her like she’s the only woman on Earth again. You’re a good guy, Ben. Now let’s get out there and show her you’re here.”

  Ben squared his shoulders, his stomach turning again in anticipation. He looked again out the door at Kayley laying in the sun next to her friend, Rachel. “Let’s do this,” he said, following Emily out the door.

  Emily and Ben walked towards the pool. Emily’s husband, Trevor, watched curiously from the grill as his wife led Ben directly to Kayley’s chair. “Kay-ley,” Emily sing-songed. “Look who’s here!” Ben watched as Kayley turned her head to face Emily, and he thought he could pass out he was so nervous. What if she hated that he came? What if she kicked him out?

  Time stood still as Emily moved out of the way and Kayley’s eyes connected with his. She was propped up on her elbows, having still been laying on her stomach in the sun. He fought with his brain to not look away from her eyes and look at her amazing body up close. As she realized he was standing there, he saw a flash of that same electricity he felt every time he was around her in her eyes.

  “Happy Birthday, Kayley,” Ben said, trying not to nervously wring his hands.

  Kayley couldn’t believe what she was seeing. Ben Nichols stood in front of her, wearing plaid board shorts, flip flops, and no shirt. Her eyes took all of that in so fast, she could hardly register what her eyes were telling her. It had been two weeks since she had seen him last and had embarrassed herself by basically running away from him after he kissed her. An amazing kiss, she thought, surprising herself at the thought.

  She met his eyes, butterflies running rampant in her stomach. She tingled from head to toe as he looked intently at her. “Ben?” she squeaked out, sitting up so she could see him more clearly. As she did, she couldn’t help but notice his broad, tanned, muscular shoulders and arms and chiseled abs that then went into a V before disappearing into his shorts. Kayley’s mouth went dry and she couldn’t speak.

  Ben held out his hand and she took it without even registering what she was doing. He pulled her up and the next thing she knew, she ended up pressed against him in a hug. She closed her eyes, aware of every part of her body pressed against his in a very intimate way.

  “Surprise, Kayley,” Ben breathed, his lips so close to her ear she could feel his warm breath. “I hope you don’t mind me being here. I wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday.” Kayley wanted to think rationally and push him away, but with him touching her basically from head to toe, she couldn’t.

  Ben leaned back so he could look in her eyes, and Kayley took that moment to look for Emily to question her with her eyes on how in the world Ben ended up here. However, she instantly realized that they were totally and completely alone out by the pool.

  Kayley couldn’t stop the incredulous laugh that escaped from her, realizing that her best friends AND Trevor had totally set her up. “Wow,” she said, looking behind her and realizing Rachel was also gone.

  A playful smirk from Ben caught her attention. “Looks like we’re all alone.” His voice was husky and he was still touching her very closely.

  Kayley shook her head, laughing. “Yes, yes it does,” she took one step back away from him so that she could think, but he instantly closed the space between them again.

  “Kayley,” Ben began, taking a stray piece of hair and tucking it behind her ear. God, she loved when he did that. “I am so sorry for scaring you that day at the beach. But, unless you tell me to get lost and never talk to you again, I just can’t stay away from you. God knows I have tried. But when Emily told me she was having a birthday party for you, I had to see you.” Ben stopped and then looked Kayley up and down, stopping when he reached her eyes again. Kayley trembled inside at the way he looked at her. Even though she knew she needed to take a moment and get her head back on straight, she couldn’t make herself move.

  “You’re so beautiful,” Ben continued. Was it just her or was his voice shaky? He put his hands on either side of her face, rubbing his thumb along her cheek and then her lips. “I don’t want to push you
, but… I want to kiss you. I’ll ask you this time, but I may just beg if you say no.”

  Kayley breathed shakily, her body screaming for her to reach up and touch him, bring him to her and lose herself in him completely. She waited for her head, her common sense to start yelling at her to stop, but it was eerily silent. She closed her eyes briefly as he waited, continuing to stroke the sides of her face with his thumbs. His touch was electric, sending shivers throughout her body.

  “Ben,” she forced out, trying to control her breathing. She looked up at him, into his beautiful blue eyes that were intently focused on her face. His lips parted and he licked his lips unconsciously. He leaned over, closing the small space in between them until his forehead touched hers. She had been ridiculously attracted to Alex, but never in her life had felt this almost supernatural pull towards someone before.

  “I won’t hurt you,” Ben whispered, smoothing her hair back off her face. “Kayley…”

  “Yes,” Kayley found herself saying before she could stop it. Ben’s eyes lit up, and she felt his heartbeat speed up.

  “Yes?” Ben questioned, his eyes leaving hers and looking at her lips. When their eyes met again, Kayley sucked in a breath and nodded her head silently. Her heart jumped erratically around her chest in anticipation. She felt as though someone else had taken over her body and her brain, and that someone was this very attractive doctor practically begging for a kiss.

  Ben leaned in, brushing her lips with his momentarily. He pulled back, looking into her eyes again. When she smiled, he pressed his lips to hers once more. This time, though his lips were soft and his kiss sweet, it was more urgent. He took her lips in between his, tasting them gently. Kayley couldn’t stop the gasp from leaving her lips as he pulled away.