Living Again

by L. L. Collins

  Kayley’s rationale went out the window as she wrapped her arms around Ben’s neck and pulled him closer to her. She stood up on her tiptoes and pressed her lips to his, taking the lead this time. He pulled her body into his so that no space was between them, and at the same time his tongue entered her mouth, teasing hers. Ben groaned into her mouth as she allowed her tongue to meet his, and knowing that she was the reason for that incredible sound to come from him transformed her. She ran her hands up and down his ripped back, then through his hair as he continued to taste every part of her mouth. His hands caressed her back and arms, feeling the string of her bikini under his hands. He was careful not to go any further, afraid to push her too far.

  She kissed him like he was breath that she needed in her lungs. As their tongues entwined and their bodies pressed together urgently, she had never felt so desired, so cherished, and so turned on all at once.

  Ben pulled back slightly, leaving them both panting. “Wow,” he half laughed and half groaned. “I thought your kiss was incredible before, Kayley, but that was the best kiss in the history of kisses. You have just ruined me for life. I can never kiss anyone else now.”

  Kayley laughed, putting her head on his shoulder in embarrassment. “Ben,” she said, muffled into his shoulder.

  Ben stepped back, forcing her to remove her head from his shoulder and look at him. He put his fingers under her chin gently, and she looked into his eyes. What she saw there put the butterflies right back in her stomach. “Don’t be embarrassed,” Ben whispered, leaning in to her again. “That was simply amazing. You’re everything I knew you would be and more.” He brushed his lips to hers again briefly while she attempted to calm her erratic breathing.

  “Maybe we should see where everyone went?” Kayley asked shakily, a nervous giggle escaping her mouth. Ben laced his fingers with hers and started walking with her towards the back door to the house.

  Ben looked her up and down as he reached for the doorknob. She felt herself blushing at the heated look in his eyes. “I think pink just became my favorite color,” he stated. Kayley looked down at her hot pink two-piece bathing suit and couldn’t stop herself from grinning.

  “How did you do that?” Emily whispered, watching Kayley go down the hall to the bathroom. Ben watched her until she disappeared from sight and then turned to face the rest of the party, all of whom had just seen his very public display of attention outside by the pool.

  “Did you have to watch?” Ben teased, thankful that he was able to calm himself down quickly after the most amazing five minutes of his life. All he could hope is that when she came out of the bathroom, she wouldn’t regret what happened with them and push him away again. He didn’t know if he could bear it.

  “We didn’t watch the whole time,” Rachel piped up. “But hot damn, that was sizzlin’! How did you do that?”

  While Ben appreciated her sentiment, he immediately looked down the hall, nervous that Kayley could hear her friends’ discussion. “Shhh,” he scolded. “Please.”

  Emily nodded at Rachel. “Yeah, shhh,” she agreed. “If Kayley hears you, she will be embarrassed. This is a good thing, guys. She needs this, and if she starts getting teased from everyone, she will feel guilty and clam up. Now, let’s everyone go outside and get the food set up, and for goodness sake, act like you didn’t just see the hottest thing between her and Dr. Yummy over here.”

  Ben couldn’t help the laugh that burst from him. “Dr. Yummy? Now that’s a new one.” Trevor smiled over at him and handed him a beer.

  “That’s my wife for you,” he laughed, clinking the beer with his. Ben and Trevor led the way outside to eat Kayley’s birthday dinner of chicken and burgers, Ben feeling that he had just found himself a great group of people and that a certain blonde haired, pink bikini wearing girl had completely captured his heart.

  Kayley sipped her margarita, listening to everyone chat and laugh around her. She couldn’t remember feeling this content and happy in a really long time. She was full of Trevor’s yummy chicken, burgers, and potato salad, and Emily’s margaritas. She was feeling good and carefree, and as much as she wanted to think it was just because she was surrounded by wonderful friends, she knew the real reason she was feeling the way she was tonight.

  Kayley looked over at Ben sitting next to her. She hadn’t thought about Alex since the moment Ben walked onto the pool deck. The connection that they seemed to have with one another was unlike anything she could believe. His kiss, his touch was intoxicating. She pressed her fingers to her lips, still tasting him there and feeling his body pressed up against her. It bothered her that she was so in tuned to Ben, but she also couldn’t stop herself from feeling giddy about it. Alex would be okay with this, right? She shook her head, resigned to force what he would think from her mind for now.

  As if he knew she was thinking about him, Ben looked over at her, his combustible smile igniting her insides again. He reached his hand out and touched her leg, rubbing circles on it. He winked at her and she smiled, genuinely happy. He seemed like part of the group- he fit in with all of her friends so perfectly after having just met them tonight (with the exception of Emily, who had apparently been chatting with the hot doctor pretty frequently).

  Ben leaned over and Kayley immediately started shaking from anticipation. “Can I drive you home?” he whispered in her ear. Without warning, goose bumps broke out all over her body. Seriously, Kayley, she thought to herself. Get control already. You’re acting like a teenager.

  Kayley turned to face him, realizing too late that her face was very close to his. “I’m staying here tonight,” she breathed, willing her body to stop shaking. He brushed his lips to hers so faintly, she wondered if she dreamed it.

  “Can I stay and we can talk?” Ben asked boldly, not wanting the night to be over.

  Kayley looked across the table and caught Emily’s eyes. She smiled and nodded, and Kayley knew she heard what Ben had said to her. As much as Kayley wanted to be mad at Emily for setting this up, she couldn’t. Emily always wanted what was best for her.

  “Alright kids, time to clean up and head out. These old people need their sleep,” Emily joked, winking at Kayley.

  “Sleep?” Trevor said, acting offended. “I can kick everyone out, but it won’t be for sleep.” He waggled his eyebrows at his wife. “We’re kidless tonight, baby.”

  The group of friends laughed at Trevor’s suggestive comment, knowing that wasn’t the only reason Emily wanted them to leave. They started grabbing things to take into the house, chatting animatedly with one another.

  “Kayley?” Ben whispered, the question lingering. She looked over at him and smiled.

  “Stay,” she said, and couldn’t stop the grin that spread over both of their faces.

  “Did you invite Ben to stay here?” Emily asked Kayley as they moved around the kitchen putting things away. Everyone else had left, much to Kayley’s delight. Kayley glanced to the living room, where Trevor and Ben were talking sports.

  “Not stay here, like overnight,” Kayley mumbled. “Just to talk. He wanted to take me home but I told him I wasn’t going home tonight.”

  Emily looked back at Trevor and Ben. “You better spill, and quick,” she grinned. “Guess you aren’t mad at me for inviting him, huh?”

  Kayley looked at Emily and giggled. “Well…” She started. “I could be mad, but did you see that man in a bathing suit?”

  Emily stared at her best friend, unable to believe that she was actually joking about how hot this man was, a man that was not Alex Carson. “Well I told you that in the hospital, dear bestie, but you didn’t want to hear any of that,” she teased. “Seriously, I’m so proud of you, Kayley. I know this was hard for you. But Ben is a really great guy. Even if it doesn’t end up going anywhere with the two of you, I’m proud that you were open enough to get to know him.”

  Kayley looked at Emily, tears shimmering in her eyes. “It’s not as hard as I thought,” she admitted. “And the way he kissed me…wow.
It was like he was a dying man in the desert, and I was the water.”

  Emily laughed. “Well, if you saw the reaction he had when he walked into my house and saw you by the pool in that suit, you would know that your analogy is spot on. I thought the man was going to pass out.”

  Kayley looked away, knowing her face was red with embarrassment. “Well I didn’t know you were setting me up tonight, or maybe I wouldn’t have worn that suit.”

  Emily wiggled her eyebrows up and down. “You wore exactly what you needed to,” she looked back at the guys again before continuing. “You know, Kay, even if you want to have just a fling with Ben, at least you know he’d be good in the-”

  “Emily!” Kayley hissed. “I am a mother of a little girl! What would I be teaching her? I’m NOT having just a fling with anyone!”

  Emily held up her hands in surrender. “Okay, okay, okay,” she laughed. “Sorry!” She nodded her head back to where the boys were sitting. “Trevor really likes him. You better keep him around.”

  “By all means,” Kayley joked, “Let me keep him around because of Trevor.”

  “Want to go out and chat by the pool?” Ben’s voice came from directly behind her, and she jumped.

  “Ben!” Kayley shrieked. “Goodness, you scared me.”

  He laughed. “Sorry.” He looked at Emily. “Do you and Trevor want to go sit by the pool with us?” The look on his face showed Emily he wasn’t serious about her going out there with them, but was just being kind.

  Emily yawned. “I think we’ll turn in, right Trev?” She gave Trevor a “look” and he immediately agreed. “You two have fun now.”

  Kayley watched Trevor and Emily walk down the hall to their bedroom and shut the door. It was barely 11, she knew they were only turning in to make sure they were alone.

  Ben held out his hand to Kayley. “Join me?” Kayley nodded and they walked wordlessly out to the chaise lounge by the pool where he had seen Kayley just a few hours earlier. How much things had changed since then.

  Kayley followed him, nervousness overtaking her. She didn’t know what she was doing, out here alone with Ben. She was insanely attracted to him, yes, but was she being smart and thinking with her head? She wasn’t so sure about that.

  “Penny for your thoughts,” Ben said into her ear, making her jump again. She laughed nervously, running her hands through her hair.

  “Sorry,” she answered. “I have a lot on my mind.”

  “How is Alexis?” Ben asked, and she breathed a sigh of relief. A safe topic.

  “She’s great,” Kayley beamed. “Not a single issue since she left the hospital. She’s toddling all over the place and getting into everything and repeating everything everyone says.”

  Ben noticed Kayley’s obvious nerves since they came outside. “You don’t need to be nervous. I just want to get to know you better.”

  Kayley nodded, trying to calm herself down. She was being ridiculous. “I know, Ben,” she laughed. “I don’t know what my problem is. Maybe it could have something to do with the smoking hot kiss you gave me earlier.” She looked away, embarrassed that she just admitted that out loud to him. What was going on with her? She was allowing herself to do and say things she would never do. Maybe it had something to do with it being her birthday. Or the margaritas.

  Ben laughed and reached his hands out to hold her hands. He pulled her closer to him and looked her dead in the eyes. “Why, Miss Carson, it most definitely was. Care to repeat?” And just like that, the tension in the air thickened, almost crackling with the electricity of their attraction to each other. Kayley swallowed, her throat suddenly completely dry. She licked her lips and stared at the man in front of her. The lights from around the pool shone behind him, reflecting his blonde hair. She reached out and touched the ends of his hair. She looked directly into his eyes, and he locked his gaze with hers. She then touched the lines of his eyebrows with the tips of her fingers, then down his nose and to his lips. He sat still and watched her, not moving.

  “I’m so scared,” she admitted, still touching his face. Ben picked up his hand and put it on the side of her face.

  “I understand you’re scared. You lost a lot. You thought you were with the one man you were going to stay with forever and he’s gone. I get that. But please, baby. Please. Give me a chance to show you he wasn’t the only one that can love you.”

  Kayley blinked rapidly, tears filling her eyes. The words that this man just said to her were so meaningful, the only response she could think of was to lean over to him and press her lips to his. Ben instantly responded, pulling her onto his lounge chair and deepening the kiss, his hands fisting in her hair. She moaned, her body taking control and pushing against him, wanting to get closer. She was wearing a cover up over her bathing suit, but it might as well have been gone. Ben’s hands moved under her cover up, smoothing over her flat stomach and down her toned legs. He then moved back up, skimming past her breasts and then up to cup her face. Their tongues continued the dance they started hours earlier, and Kayley found her body responding by involuntarily rubbing against him. She ran her hands along his sculpted arms, then down his defined chest and abs and back up again. The kiss deepened, both of them frantic with the desire pooling between them. Ben caressed her tongue with his, sucking it into his mouth hungrily. She whimpered, not knowing what she wanted but knowing she needed more of him.

  “Kayley,” Ben whispered against her mouth. “I-I want you, but this isn’t the time or place. I respect you too much to go any further tonight.” She smiled against his mouth, her heart racing but knowing he was doing the right thing. He kissed her gently over and over, murmuring to himself.

  “What are you saying?” Kayley asked, her lips still touching his. They looked at each other eye to eye and Ben smiled.

  “That you’re amazing. Simply amazing,” Ben’s mouth left hers and trailed down her chin, then neck. Kayley sighed, running her hands through his hair as he hands traveled the length of her body and back while his mouth tasted her neck. “Never, ever in my life have I had these feelings so quickly. I don’t want to scare you off, baby, but I will always only be honest with you. I want you to know how I feel.”

  A pang of something hit Kayley, and she couldn’t stop the tears from coursing down her cheeks. “Kayley? Honey? Are you okay? I’m sorry. It was too much, wasn’t it? I’m pushing you.” Ben wiped her tears with his thumbs, kissing her gently.

  She shook her head. “No, Ben, it isn’t that. Yes, it’s overwhelming. I don’t know what to do with these feelings I have for you. I would’ve never imagined I could feel this way so quickly about someone. This-this has never happened to me before. With Alex…” Kayley stopped, not wanting to offend Ben by talking about Alex.

  “Go ahead,” Ben urged. “I’m not bothered by hearing about him.”

  “We were friends,” Kayley began. “Best friends. I never really thought of Alex that way, not for a long time. And even then, I was okay with us just being friends until the day he made it more. I’ve just never had this- this attraction for someone so quickly. I’m scared for so many reasons. I’m a mom. I’m a widow. I’ve spent the last year being completely shut down. I know I need to rebuild myself and move on from this, but I also feel this incredible guilt for moving on without him. And I don’t know what to think about this- thing with you. You’re a great guy, Ben. But is this what you really want, to start a relationship with someone like me? Last year, I was changed forever. My comfortable little life was shattered, and I don’t know how to be that person anymore.”

  Ben held onto her hands. “When I saw you that day in the hospital, I was drawn to you. Do I think you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen? Yes. But that isn’t it. I’m drawn to you, Kayley Carson. You, as a woman, a mom, a physical therapist, and yes, as a widow. I wouldn’t take any of that away from you because it makes you what you are now. We’re all a little broken. We just need the right glue to be put back together again.” Ben stroked her hair, allowing her
time to process everything he said. “We’ll go as slow as you need to, Kayley. I’m not going anywhere. Just please, don’t shut me out because you’re afraid of feeling something.”

  Kayley sat quietly, watching the water ripple in the pool. She couldn’t discount the way that this man made her feel tonight. It was her birthday and she hadn’t felt this special in a really long time. And as much as she loved her best friend, it wasn’t because of her. Ben had made her feel alive tonight. “I haven’t felt the way I felt tonight in a really, really long time,” she admitted. “And as much as I love Emily and she will do anything for me, it wasn’t because of her.” Ben captured her hand with his and brought it to his mouth. He kissed her softly, entwining his hand with hers.

  “It was you. I can’t promise I’m totally ready for everything, but you made me feel something tonight.” Kayley stood up, pulling him with her. “Thank you. If you didn’t push things, I wouldn’t have come to you. And it isn’t because I don’t like you or am not attracted to you— obviously I am— but I was too scared. You showed me that it was okay, Ben. So thank you. That was a great birthday present.”

  Ben pulled her to him and hugged her tightly, kissing the top of her head. Kayley closed her eyes, taking in everything around her. The breeze rustled the palm trees, the pool pump whirred, sounds of cars came from the nearby road, but all she could concentrate on was being in the arms of this man that she didn’t even know a few months ago. His strong arms enveloped her, and her head lay on his solid chest. She could hear his heart beating and his breath tickled the top of her head. And just like that, a memory came back to her of a time that her and Alex had made love out on this pool deck when house sitting for Emily and Trevor.

  Kayley stepped back, trying to force the memory away but not having any luck. Ben searched her face, noticing the change in her. “Are you okay?” Ben asked, rubbing his hands on her bare arms. Kayley shook her head, her heart pounding and her body shaking. “Kayley,” Ben said gently. “Whatever it’s, baby, it’s okay. I’m right here.”