Beautiful Broken Mess b-2

by Kimberly Lauren

  I turn toward the revolving doors, hoping I can catch sight of Em. Julie Riley is the last person I wanted to see today. She walks closer toward me and I begin to bounce impatiently on my toes. I haven’t seen her since the day Jaxon and I told her we had run off to get married. She was beyond furious with both of us. I never thought I would see her get so angry. I ran home that day. It was the only time I ever ran to my house and not away from it.

  Em strolls out through the doors and smiles cheerfully at me. I don’t understand this weird calmness she has about her. Her boyfriend is lying in a coma and she acts like there is finally world peace.

  “Thank you so much for these,” she calls out. I hand over the containers when she reaches me. “I want to thank you for taking over my shifts at work too.”

  “Please, don’t even worry about it. You shouldn’t have to think about work right now. Although I am going out of town next week, so Ed will probably have a coronary.”

  She laughs a bit too lightly, almost as if it’s forced. In that moment, I can see the wall she’s built. She’s trying to protect herself from the hurt and the possibility of actually losing Jaxon. My heart breaks for her. Here I’ve been feeling sorry for myself, while Em has been going through genuine pain.

  “Hey, Em.” I reach out and grab her arm so I can pull her in close. I hope to speak to only her. “I left my textbook...” Lowering my voice to a whisper, I say, “In his room. Do you think there’s any way I can get that?”

  She smiles and replies, “Quinn’s home. For some reason, she’s been so tired lately. She can give you the key. Don’t worry about running into...anyone.” She quickly glances over toward Julie. “They’re all here.” I sigh with relief and thank her.

  “They’re about to start some physical therapy on him, so I don’t want to miss that. He likes it when I talk to him.” She smiles and walks back inside without any further conversation.

  “He likes it when she talks to him?” I ask out loud, to no one in particular. I think Em is losing it.

  “I’m really afraid of what this might be doing to her mental health,” Julie echoes my thoughts. “She smiles all the time. She never leaves, but then again, neither does Jace. And she just lies there all day with him, talking about nothing in particular.”

  “She’s just trying to protect herself.” I attempt to think of a way I can end this uncomfortable conversation. I just can’t do this right now, especially not with Mrs. Riley.

  “I know about you and Jace,” she says before I can escape. I immediately turn and face her, surprised. Shit. What does she think and how does she know? Before I can ask, she answers for me. “I’m his mom, I knew something was up.” I give her a skeptical look, not believing that she has some kind of Mom ESP. She laughs, “Okay, fine. His friend, Max, ratted him out on accident.” I nod my head while keeping silent. If Max knew what Jace said to me, then he probably didn’t take too kindly to that. I’m surprised I haven’t heard from him already.

  “I trust Jace’s decisions.”

  “Would you say that even if I told you he pursued me before he found out everything he thought was a lie?” I ask. She falters a beat and nods her head. I consider leaving right this very second. I don’t need to explain myself to one more person, especially this person. Jace and I are done. She won’t be in my life. Why do I need to hash out this drama again? Because…whether I want to admit it or not, some small part of me still longs to have my name cleared.

  Julie sits down on the curb and pats the spot next to her. Sitting right here on the concrete in front of the busy hospital, I pour my heart out to her. I don’t cry this time. This story can flow out of my mouth now as if it knows it by heart, without any help from me. I tell her everything up until right after Jaxon and I broke up.

  “How did I not know that you and Jace met first?” she gasps. “I’m usually able to pick up on everything. I thought he had a crush on you...but this...this makes so much more sense.”

  Her words startle me and I ask, “Why would you say he had a crush on me?”

  “He was always watching you guys. I just thought he missed his brother at first. After a while, I caught him specifically watching you. Not Jax, just you. You know those black-and-white photographs he has in his room?” I nod my head, thinking of them lined up above his bed. “You’re in one of them.”

  My mouth drops open and I try to remember what they look like. I remember one of them is a picture of his dock back home that extends out over their favorite pond. Jaxon and I spent many hot afternoons jumping into that cold water. There are people in the distance in some of them, mostly silhouettes.

  I think about the middle picture and how it has a person sitting on the dock with their feet hanging over the edge, dipping them into the water. The picture was taken so far off in the distance I wouldn’t have been able to tell it was me. It’s only the silhouette of a person. I sat on that dock numerous times so it could have been any number of days.

  I recall one time when Jax and Jace had been swimming and then went riding the truck through the mud. I had been waiting for Jax to finish cleaning the truck off, so I decided to splash my feet in the pond. I thought Jace had gone home, but I guess he stuck around to snap some pictures out on the land. The rest of his pictures hanging on the wall are from around the property as well. My favorite is one of his mom taken from pretty far away while she was hanging sheets out to dry.

  “Honey, what happened with the baby?” She interrupts my happy memories with a dreadful one. My stomach drops and I squeeze my fists together. “Please. Just talk about it. It’ll help.”

  The first time I looked at this little white stick with its two pink lines, I cried my eyes out. I cried out of sadness, frustration, humiliation, and shock. I was scared. I cried because I didn’t think I had anything to offer this child. Now, I gaze at the stick with hope. I can do this. I can love this baby and that’s enough.

  I know I need to move out of this house. Being around my dad just isn’t okay anymore. I’ve never actually thought about it in that light before. It’s amazing what even the prospect of being a parent can do for you. Before, my dad’s aggression was just a phase that I needed to wait out. I would bear it. I would graduate and then I would leave Texas.

  But now this tiny little plum-sized baby is my number-one priority. Now I realize that I can’t allow my body to be harmed. I need to get out of here and find a safer home for the two of us.

  As I pack my bags, I have a fleeting thought of seeing Jace one more time. I wish I could see those sea-blue eyes for just a second longer. In a way, if this baby had been Jaxon’s, at least I could pretend it was part of Jace as well.

  But it’s not.

  Mr. Howard stole that from me.

  When he told me that I wouldn’t pass if I didn’t attend his after-school study session, I was confused. I thought I was doing well in his class. When I showed up and I was the only student present, that should have been my first warning. But I was naïve, so I followed him into his storage room to grab the supplies we supposedly needed. I’ll never forget the echo the metal lock made when he slid it into place.

  I chase away the bad memories by shoving more clothes into my backpack. One good thing about never really owning much is that I don’t have a lot to carry out of here. I’m hoping that today at work I can talk to Nico about helping me find some place to stay.

  “Don’t worry, little plum, I’ll find somewhere safe for us,” I whisper.

  I quickly stash my loaded backpack underneath the couch and pull on my t-shirt for work. It’s getting a bit snug and I’m sure people at work have noticed. I’m still in that awkward stage where others are probably wondering if I’m pregnant or just sneaking in a few too many of our famous breadsticks. Well, they’ll all know soon enough.

  I grab my purse and step out onto our front porch. My heart lurches when I see my dad coming up the stairs with a death stare focused directly on me.

  His eyes flash to my stomach and back to my f
ace, and then return to my stomach for one final perusal. I see the wheels turning and I pray I can just get to work without incident.

  “What have you gone and done?” he growls in a low, threatening voice.

  “Nothing. I need to get to work,” I quickly say, stepping backward.

  “You’re just like your whore of a mother...”

  I try to interrupt and tell him I am nothing like her, but he launches forward. His foot rises up and connects with my stomach. I feel the air rush past me, but I’m confused about what exactly is happening. When I feel the hard smack of concrete on my back and the coppery taste of blood in my mouth, my friend, darkness, returns.

  Julie wipes away a fleeing tear. She sits in silence for what feels like an eternity. Maybe she’s giving me a chance to accept my words, but I’ve already done that. I can’t let my father hold this over my head anymore.

  “Audrey, it was never right for you to be there,” she interrupts my thoughts. “I wish I would have known.” I wave off her concern. There isn’t anything that can be done now; we’ve all made our mistakes.

  “I woke up in the hospital two days later, no longer pregnant.”

  “Did you stay?”

  I shake my head and say, “I haven’t seen my dad since. The boss I worked for let me sleep in the restaurant at night. The day I graduated, I hitchhiked out to California. Although before I left, I did go back and take our dog, Chuck.”

  “Hitchhiked!? Audrey, please tell me I just heard you wrong.”

  I laugh, thinking about all of the people I met on that trip. “I never told Jace that part.”

  “Don’t you ever do that again, young lady,” she scolds while hugging me. “Give Jace time.”

  “I feel like I’ve been giving people time my whole life.”

  “You know, Jace and Jaxon may be identical but they are nothing alike. Jaxon has always been my child that charges through life. He never thought about the consequences until he was grounded for two months for sinking his dad’s boat to the bottom of the lake, amongst other crimes. Jace, on the other hand, is my thinker. He tries to reason through every scenario before he acts on it. He worries about what others think and he hates to make people upset. This type of situation, an unexpected one, throws him off. These moments don’t show him in his best light. I know that doesn’t excuse his behavior, but just give him some time.”

  I stand up to brush off my jeans and she follows. “I have to be at work in about ten minutes.” The moment is awkward and I don’t know what else to say.

  Without warning, she hugs me tightly and whispers into my ear. “I know you don’t want to hear apologies, but just know I wish I could go back and change the way things went down. You didn’t deserve anything that was thrown at you, but you are strong and you’ve overcome it all on your own. Be proud of that.”

  With a nod, I walk out to the parking lot toward Lane’s SUV. I’ve never actually thought about being proud of myself. I’ve always condemned myself for putting up with my dad’s abuse and my mom’s neglect. I should have done this or I could have done that. At the end of the day, isn’t Julie right though? I came out stronger, so I should be proud.

  * * *

  Work flies by, thankfully. We had a full house all night. There was a game on that all of the customers were intensely watching, although I have no idea which game or even which sport. I moved around in a daze. Tonight, Em should have technically been on shift with me, so while the extra pair of hands would have been helpful, being busy kept my mind occupied.

  Now I’m walking down the hallway toward Jace’s apartment door at three in the morning, hoping my textbook is still lying next to his bed. I want to get in and out as quickly as possible. I don’t want to see that giant, comfortable bed, his pictures on the wall, or even that darn pantry.

  I called Quinn from work earlier, asking her if she could keep their door unlocked since I would be coming by so late. I turn the knob and enter into the darkened living room. The familiar scent that I once found so comforting is unwelcome. I’ve been able to keep the sadness away but being here is difficult.

  I tiptoe down the hallway quietly and open Jace’s door. Fortunately, even in the darkness I can make out my book lying next to his nightstand on the floor, right where I left it. Unfortunately, Jace is lying in his bed as well. He must have come in and passed out quickly. He’s lying on top of his covers, still fully clothed. He has one hand sprawled out above his head and one draped across his chest.

  I didn’t even think to look for his car out front. Em told me that he’s been sleeping in a chair in Jax’s room. It’s too dark to see his face, but he must be exhausted if he hasn’t slept in a bed in over a week.

  I reach down, grab my book, and turn for his door when a hand grabs me and tugs me down without missing a beat. I gasp at the sudden, unexpected movement. I still can’t see his eyes in the darkness, but I can feel his lips move against mine. For a few seconds, I allow myself this.

  The amazing part is touching him, feeling his body close to mine. I run my hands through his hair while his skim slowly up my back. Our lips meet hungrily, as if it has been another four years since they have touched and not a little over a week. He pulls me in tighter and almost desperate.

  The painful part is that this feels like a goodbye. A simple parting gift. My heart breaks a little at the idea of saying goodbye to him. I knew this would come though. Jace and I are from two different worlds. I have my penny and my memories, and those should keep me company for at least a little while longer.

  I shove away from him before the moment becomes even more agonizing and I clamber out the door. When I escape into the hallway, I lean up against the wall. I will him to come out here and find me. I want him to tell me that he’s not letting me go or that he just needs time until Jaxon wakes up. All of this I would understand, but I need him to tell me. I can’t stand his silence and I can’t assume what he’s thinking, especially when it feels as if his lips just gave me a farewell kiss.

  - Eighteen -

  JACE -

  After eight days, Em and I start to closely resemble the walking dead. At first we went home to shower and change, but now we just shower in the restroom here and have Quinn bring us fresh clothes when she visits. They had Jax in a unit where we were only allowed to visit for ten minutes every hour, but later they moved him to a Neuro-ICU. The nurses here have taken pity on us, allowing much longer visits, although we do still get kicked out a couple of hours each day during their “quiet times.”

  There isn’t much activity with a coma patient so Em sneaks into Jax’s bed to catch some sleep while the nurses are out of the room. Only one nurse has caught her. She didn’t say anything though when she realized Em wasn’t disturbing his lines or tubes, but she still frowned about it. I, on the other hand, have been sleeping in a chair. I wake up multiple times a night with my head bobbing up and down and a strain in my neck. A few nights ago, I stumbled out of the hospital and before I knew where I was going, I had pulled into Audrey’s parking lot. I held her for as long as I could allow myself to stay and when it became too painful, I snuck back out to return to my chair.

  Mom stays at the apartment so she can get a decent rest. There must be something to it because she has definitely been in a much better mood than the rest of us. Tonight, she finally kicked us out and demanded that we not return until we sleep in a real bed and shower for more than ten minutes. It’s a slow, sluggish walk out of the hospital for the two of us. We know we need to go, but wants and needs are two vastly different things.

  Em keeps me awake on the drive home, talking about what I think Jaxon would like for her to read to him tomorrow. I want to shout, ‘He’s in a damn coma for God’s sake, he can’t hear you!’ But I’ve already been enough of an asshole to one girl this week. So I just ignore her for the remainder of the drive.

  My feet are heavy as I traipse through the apartment. The second I see my bed, my heart sinks at the thought of the last time I slept here. Audre
y was snuggled up with me, and I remember the sound of her contagious laughter as she tried to “stealthily” sneak into my room that night. Jaxon and Em weren’t even home, but she didn’t have to know that. The second her head popped in through the door, she immediately dove under the covers with me. I also remember telling her how I’d never let her go, which is true, I haven’t let her go, but I did fuck this whole situation up.

  I should have let her comfort me. Hell, maybe I wouldn’t have made it through this week ten pounds lighter if I had. I definitely wouldn’t feel this homesick. I feel like I’ve lost my home without her and Jaxon. I know Jaxon will make it through this, but will I have Audrey when it’s all said and done?

  I quickly realize that my body is only going to function for a couple more seconds. When I hit the pillow, I quickly succumb to my extreme exhaustion and fall into a deep sleep, without removing my shoes or jeans.

  I dream about Audrey. I dream about her on the beach, in the back of my car, and at one point, I see her silhouette watching a train fly by. I also dream that she comes into my room in the middle of the night.

  When I reach out for her, I magically feel her soft, smooth skin. I’ve missed her sweet face and her body touching mine. In my dream, I pull her on top of me and I don’t even hesitate to touch my lips to hers. She comes willingly and as always with trust. I love this girl with everything I have. I can’t believe she is letting me touch her after everything I’ve done. I’ll always need her touch.

  Too soon, she shoves off of my chest and moves away from me. The room is dark but I feel her hesitate right before she scrambles out. The only sound I hear is the click of the door. Dreaming about her only makes me ache more for her.

  I want to chase her. Keep her next to me forever. I never should have let my stupid mouth speak before my brain could filter out the foolishness. But my body feels heavy and I slowly sink further into my mattress. I beg and plead for my legs to move, for my body to allow me to chase after her. I want keep her in my dreams all night. Instead, my eyes listlessly close and I crash harder into sleep, leaving only the faint taste of her chapstick on my lips.