The Essence of Shade

by Deborah Jean Miller

  “I’d like to end today with a quote from Augustine of Hippo,” said Pastor Ralph. “He lived sixteen-hundred-years ago, and his restless heart led him to pursue a life of immorality, until one day he was driven to a verse in the Bible. Romans 13:13-14. In Augustine’s autobiography, Confessions, he wrote, ‘You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in you.’ We are all seeking meaning in life, yet we don’t know what it is we’re searching for. And we are restless until we find it. This longing can be quieted, but it can never be entirely silenced. If your heart is restless today, know that true rest can only be found in Christ.”’

  Shade sat, meditating on the quote. Her thoughts were interrupted when the Sunday school children came into the sanctuary. Tyler slid in next to her.

  “Grandma, guess what?”

  “Shh, Tyler. You need to be quiet.”

  “Why?” whispered Tyler, looking around. “Because I’ll wake everyone up? I wanted to tell you I saw Brent in the hall.”

  Pastor Ralph closed the service with a blessing, and the parishioners rushed the exit. Shade typically lingered after the service, but not today. She didn’t want to bump into Brent. Grabbing Tyler’s hand, she jockeyed for the next open space in the crowd, darting this way and that—a fluttering hummingbird. The sea of people parted and she dashed forward, Tyler’s feet struggling to keep up with his head.

  “Grandma. Why are you walking so fast?”

  “So we can get home and eat breakfast. I’m starving.”

  “I saw Brent in the hall at church,” Tyler repeated on the drive home. “He asked about you.”

  “Oh? Did you meet his family?”

  “I only saw him. I like Brent—a lot.”

  She smiled. “Hey, when we get home you need to finish your Christmas list, and I need to call Mary and Blanche and invite them over for Christmas dinner.”

  On Christmas day, Harry and Blanche, Mary and her daughter and son-in-law, Carly and Steve, and Leah and Willow were invited for dinner at the cottage.

  Blanche and Harry arrived first, bearing Champagne and gifts. Blanche wore red-sequined palazzo pants with a shimmering gold blouse. Christmas lights were strung throughout her hair, powered by a hidden battery pack, causing her blonde up-do to twinkle. Harry wore a conservative navy-blue blazer, khaki pants and a permanent grin.

  “Oh, honey,” exclaimed Blanche, whooshing in through the front door, planting kisses on Shade’s cheeks. “This place is amazing. And you look beautiful. I love the black velvet pants with the white satin top. You look like a runway model.”

  Shade laughed, realizing how much she missed Blanche. “Merry Christmas. I love the festive outfit. And the lights in your hair—brilliant. Harry, you’re one lucky guy.”

  “It’s good seeing you again,” said Harry. “I’ve learned over the years to expect the unexpected when it comes to Blanche’s wardrobe. I just go along for the ride.”

  “Well, look at you, Tyler,” said Blanche. “You’ve grown since the last time I saw you.” Blanche bent to give him a kiss, leaving a large red lip imprint on his cheek.

  “You’ve grown too,” said Tyler, smiling and wiping his face. “I like your hair design.”

  The Christmas menu included lobster bisque, beef prime rib with horseradish sauce, grilled asparagus, scalloped potatoes with Boursin cheese, and red Oak Leaf salad, followed by the traditional French yule log cake, Bûche de Noël.

  After the meal, Leah and Tyler played outside with the dogs, while the adults chatted by the fireplace.

  “Thank you for the exceptional meal and for inviting us over,” said Carly.

  “That’s all Leah has talked about for the last few days,” said Steve. “Spending Christmas with Tyler.”

  “And that’s all Blanche and I have talked about. Eating dinner at Shade’s house,” said Mary.

  After the guests had left, she sat with Tyler in front of the fireplace reading the Christmas story. Tyler dozed. She gazed at him, her heart bubbled over with thankfulness. The camaraderie of good friends, her beloved grandson and her lovely home. All undeserved.

  Her mind shifted to Addy. The brightness inside her gave way to something dark. Guilt. It was always there, casting its shadow on her life, slowly crushing her. Oh, Addy, you’ll never experience the remarkable child Tyler has become. Tears snuck down her face. The night of Addy’s murder. Kent appearing at her door. Addy’s lifeless body at the morgue. The funeral.

  A splendid evening shattered. The shame of being an unwanted foster child, an unwed mother and the horror of Stan. Her idol. She sank like a stone. Oh, dear God. Forgive me. Please help me make a better life for Tyler. Help me settle him on the right path and break this cycle of misery. That is my prayer.

  Chapter Fourteen

  For here we do not have an enduring city, but we are looking for the city that is to come.

  Hebrews 13:14

  Year 2001

  “Kent, what a surprise,” said Shade, coming around the counter, balancing a tray of soup and sandwiches. Her gut tightened, wondering if he had any updates on the murder investigation. “So, did you come in for that free muffin and coffee?”

  “I was in the area and thought I’d take you up on the offer,” said Kent, smiling. “Looks like business is booming.”

  “Business is good. Do you have time for lunch? I can get someone to cover for me.”

  “That’d be great. I’m starving.”

  She took a seat at a table with Kent and pulled out the menu. “Would you like a recommendation?”

  “Sure.”

  She waved Liz over. “We’d like two chicken breast sandwiches with caramelized onions and garlic aioli, and two bowls of corn and crab bisque.”

  “So, how is everything?” asked Kent.

  “Good. Tyler’s still obsessed with baseball, and we love living in Edelweiss. And I signed up to volunteer in women’s prison ministry. I start this week. What about you? Any updates on the investigation? We haven’t spoken in a few months.”

  “Excuse me,” said Liz, placing their soup and sandwiches on the table. “Can I get you anything else?”

  “Thanks, Liz,” said Shade. “I think we’re set.”

  “I’m doing good, and no updates,” said Kent, plunging his spoon into the steaming hot, creamy bisque. “Things are slowing down at the station so I should be able to pick the case up again. By the way, the soup is delicious,” he said, wiping his mouth and placing his napkin on the table. “I have a question regarding the night of the murder. You mentioned a guy named O.D. who used to live with Adeline and Jaime. You said you didn’t know much about him, but did Adeline ever mention why he moved?”

  “No, she said he left after Scott died. Why?”

  “Just looking at all possibilities. If you think of anything Adeline might have said about O.D., please call me.”

  She sighed. “I will. Have you spoken to Donna, Jaime’s mother? She may know more about O.D.”

  “We’ve stayed in touch. She didn’t know much about him.” He shifted subjects. “So, what made you decide to volunteer in prison ministry?”

  “It seems like a good fit for me. I often think about Addy and Jaime’s life choices and how the drugs controlled them. They could have easily ended up in prison.” She looked down at her folded hands on the table. “I can’t save Addy. It’s too late. But maybe I can bring hope to another lost soul.”

  “I admire your commitment. In my job, I deal with broken lives every day. It’s nice to know there are people that are trying to make a difference.”

  They lingered over lunch. Conversation was easy. Unhindered.

  “Well, I better get back before they send out an APB,” said Kent, standing. “Thanks for lunch and take care of yourself. If you ever change your mind about that dinner, the offer still stands.”

  “Thank you,” said Shade, smiling and extending her hand. “I’ll do that. And thanks for stopping in. Here,” she said, handing him a bakery b
ox, tied in twine. “I put a few slices of cheesecake in there for you, and some Caramel Apple Pie bars. You’re welcome back anytime.”

  While walking back to the kitchen, Shade spotted a woman sitting at a table in the corner. She looked to be in her mid-fifties—an Audrey Hepburn classic beauty. She had seen her in the bakery before, always alone. Her striking blue eyes followed Shade wherever she went. Shade smiled at her. The woman returned a smile before turning back to her newspaper. She didn’t understand why, but something about the woman flustered her. Probably her imagination.

  Pulling into Emmet County Correctional, Shade ran into Diane Gallows who headed up the weekly ministry.

  “Shade, we’re happy to have you on board. Are you nervous?”

  “Yes, but also excited. I read through the material. I didn’t realize the degree of their sentences. Several are in for life.”

  “And many of them never receive visitors. It’s a lonely life, but thank God for volunteers like you.”

  They entered the complex. The air inside was different. Cold. Stale. The clang of metal echoed off the walls. A guard stopped Shade. “What’s in the box, ma’am,” he said, glaring.

  “Baked goods for the women. I brought a box for the guards, too,” said Shade, smiling.

  He gave her a once over and inspected the box. “Okay. And thanks.”

  They passed through security and were escorted down a hall. No colors. No light. Just spaces of empty white. A suffocating feeling gripped Shade as she questioned her decision to join this ministry.

  “Are you okay?” asked Diane, as they neared the chapel.

  “Just a little nervous,” said Shade, trying to still her trembling body.

  “It’s normal. I felt the same way my first time. It gets easier.”

  They joined the other volunteers in the chapel. A door opened and the prisoners filed in one-by-one. Young. Old. Black. White. A melting pot of storied lives.

  When the chaplain completed the sermon, the women separated into groups of five, two volunteers leading each group.

  Diane encouraged Shade to lead the group while she observed. Shade’s heart drummed in her chest as she asked the women to open their Bibles. “Acts 15:11,” she read, her hands shaking. ‘We believe it is through the grace of our Lord Jesus that we are saved, just as they are.’ Does anyone want to discuss what that means to you, personally?”’

  “Well,” said the young, slender woman staring at her feet. “I think it means that no matter where we are, or what we’ve done, Jesus will forgive those who’ve received Him.”

  “Yes,” said Shade. “We all sin. And some sin is greater. But sin is sin in God’s eyes.”

  “Thank you for sharing, Meghan,” said Diane.

  Shade felt her anxiety fade as she focused on the women’s hungry hearts. She wondered about their circumstances. What brought them to this place? Did they come from dysfunctional families? Were they foster children like herself? And how is it some could claw their way out of the trenches while others remained stuck in the mire? She contemplated her own life and the many blessings she had received. All undeserved. Life was unfair.

  Shade drove home from the prison, secure in her decision to serve.

  “Did you two have a good night?” asked Shade, when she entered the cottage.

  “Yes, we did,” said Mary. “We took Scone for a walk down the beach, all the way to Lakeside Shores.”

  “Wow,” said Shade. “That’s almost two miles.”

  “And guess what, Grandma? We saw Brent walking his dog. He has a black Labrador. His name is Coach. And he pointed to his house. He lives near the beach.”

  Mary laughed. “Yes, we ran into Brent. He mentioned baseball camp would start soon and he would call you this week.”

  “Can I join again?” asked Tyler.

  “I don’t see why not,” said Shade, hugging him.

  “How did it go at the prison?” asked Mary.

  She sighed. “I think I’m going to love serving in this ministry. The women are so eager to hear the Word and to learn. It brought me such pleasure, knowing I might help change someone’s life.”

  “It sounds like a perfect fit for you. I’m happy you found you’re calling. Well, I better get going.”

  Shade was in the kitchen preparing dinner the following night when the phone rang. “Tyler, can you answer that?” She heard Tyler carrying on a conversation and giggling. She peeked around the corner.

  “It’s Brent,” said Tyler. “He wants to talk to you.”

  Her heart cranked up a notch. “Hi, Brent. Sounds like you and Tyler were deep in conversation.”

  “He’s a talker,” said Brent. “Hey, I’m calling to see if you want to enroll Tyler in baseball camp this year. It starts after school lets out and it goes through the summer.”

  “It sounds great. Baseball is all he’s talked about since camp ended. He’s been practicing all winter. He’s obsessed. Given your experience, do boys his age become so consumed with a sport like Tyler is with baseball?”

  “To a degree, yes, but it’s usually a fad. Tyler seems more driven than most. He has this innate sense of concentration that’s quite unique. He may lose interest, but then again, this could be something he continues to pursue. Do you think you’ll be able to attend the orientation for the adults? I’d like you to be there.”

  “Yes, I’ll be there. I’ll see you in a few weeks.”

  Two weeks later, Shade dropped Tyler off at Mary’s before driving to Edelweiss Schools. Determined not to miss orientation, she arrived just as Brent was addressing the crowd. She found an open spot in the bleachers and took a seat.

  “My goal for baseball camp is to instill a love of the game in these youngsters,” said Brent, addressing the adults. “It’s not about winning and losing, it’s about how they play the game. Are they coachable, respectful, mentally tough, team players? These are attributes to teach at home, so please, work with your kids to make sure they bring their game face with them every day they show up at practice.”

  Shade focused. He had a smooth delivery. The way he enunciated each word. The way he used his hands to express himself. And that smile. So endearing. He wasn’t showy. He simply laid out the facts.

  “Hi, are you Tyler’s mother?” asked a woman, interrupting her thoughts.

  “I’m his grandmother. Do you know Tyler?”

  “My son, Cody, was in camp last year with Tyler.”

  “Ah, yes, I know Cody. I’m Shade Lane.”

  “I’m Victoria. So, what do you think of the coach? Brent?”

  “He’s good with the kids, and Tyler loves him. He’s so patient. And a great motivator.”

  “Agreed. And not bad looking,” said Victoria, smiling. “He’s been a positive influence on Cody. I’m single. Divorced. And Cody doesn’t see much of his father. I feel like Brent fills that void. Are you married?”

  “I’m a widow. Tyler lost both of his parents, so it’s just the two of us.”

  “I’m so sorry. Tyler is such a good kid.”

  “Thank you. I appreciate hearing that.”

  “Hey, Shade, do you have a minute?” asked Brent, when orientation ended.

  “Sure,” said Shade.

  Victoria approached Shade as she walked toward Brent. “Hey, if you want to get together so the boys can play, let me know. Cody doesn’t have many friends, and I don’t know any single women. It might be nice to hook up.”

  They exchanged phone numbers. Victoria seemed pleasant. And it would be nice for Tyler to have more playmates and for Shade to have a friend her age. Victoria had an interesting look. Tall and shapely, with large, dark brown eyes and faint freckles dotting her tanned face. Her strawberry-blonde hair was pulled tightly into a ponytail, causing her eyebrows to reach farther into her hairline than they should have. She looked more attractive when she smiled and less so when she didn’t. She wore no make-up, and her blonde eyelashes stood out in stark contrast to her dark eyes, giving the impression of two lonely b
lack dots on a blank canvas. Shade liked her bubbly personality and the ease with which she spoke. She made a note to call her.

  “I enjoyed your talk today,” said Shade, standing next to Brent. “Thanks for reminding us of our role. So, what’s up?”

  “I’ve been thinking about Tyler and was wondering if I could spend one day a week practicing with him. Maybe on the weekend. He told me he doesn’t have a father or a grandfather to practice with. I hope this doesn’t hurt your feelings,” Brent paused, smiling, “but he also told me you try really hard to help him, but you’re not that good.”

  Why is he trying to spend time alone with Tyler? She laughed. A nervous laugh. “Well, he wasn’t lying. In fact, I’m terrible. I know Tyler would love spending time with you, but I don’t want you to give up your weekends.”

  “It’s not a problem. How about Sundays? Maybe an hour of practice. I could pick him up, or we could meet at a park. I’m in Lakeside Shores. There’s a park nearby.”

  “I know where that is. You live close to me. Why don’t we meet there?”

  “Sounds good. Hey, I saw Tyler one Sunday at the First Church in Edelweiss. I tried catching up with you after service, but you were rushing toward the parking lot. It looked like you were in a hurry.”

  Her face burned red. “I must have been running late. Tyler told me he saw you. Do you attend often?”

  “Not as much as I should. How about noon on Sunday?”

  “See you then. And thank you. Tyler will be thrilled.”

  Upon learning he would practice with Brent, Tyler had talked about it all week. After church, they got ready for practice. Tyler insisted on dressing in his baseball uniform while Shade pondered her outfit. The weather forecast predicted low eighties and sunny skies. After putting on a pair of white shorts, a black scoop T-shirt and sandals, she pulled her hair up into a messy bun. Knowing they’d be hungry, she packed a cooler with bottled water, sandwiches and cookies from the bakery, along with reading material to occupy her time.