Blackout

by Dani Matthews

  “We both know Rem’s not after anything serious.”

  “This is Harper we’re talking about, Kieran. She could tempt anyone into going back for more. And the more he wants, the more likely there’s a chance something could develop. Look how hard and fast Channing fell for Ash.”

  “True,” he concedes. “What’s your plan?” he asks, looking at me expectantly.

  “I don’t have one,” I say dryly. “Quinn told me to move in fast and not give Harper a chance to have doubts.”

  Kieran’s eyebrows lift. “You’ve talked to Quinn about this?”

  “She guessed.”

  “You should take her advice.”

  “Any move I make from here on out could fuck everything up,” I tell him.

  “You’re already fucked if you don’t do anything, so what does it matter?”

  The radio comes to life, and we both shelve the conversation as we concentrate on our job.

  Ten

  Harper

  On Monday, I set my alarm for earlier than normal for the last time. Beginning tomorrow, I can get the wound wet, but I’ll still have to be careful with it. I’ll also have to keep it covered at work until the stitches are removed and the doctor confirms that it’s healed enough.

  After I finish getting ready, I grab my bag and purse before going downstairs. I still need to clean and rewrap the wound, but I’ll leave it for last. It always makes me squeamish, and I dread every time I look at it. I also prefer caffeine in my system before I mess with it.

  Gabe’s already in the kitchen—thankfully wearing a tee with his jeans. He works today, so I’m hoping the breakfast he’s preparing at the stove is his own and not mine.

  The scent of coffee distracts me, and I set my things down and find a clean mug waiting near the coffee maker. I pick up the pot and pour myself a full cup. “Thanks,” I murmur.

  “You’re welcome.”

  I glance at him to find that he’s looking at me oddly. “What?” I ask.

  He nods at my bandaged arm. “How’s it feeling?”

  There’s no doubt in my mind that wasn’t what he was thinking, and I wonder if he knows about Rem. Shoot. I hope not. “It’s better.”

  He nods and turns back to the stove, flipping the pancakes.

  There’s an odd tension in the kitchen as I open the refrigerator to grab my favorite creamer. After I pour some into my coffee and return it, I pick up a spoon and walk to the island with the mug. Once I’m seated, I slowly stir the coffee as I hide my uneasiness.

  I feel guilty about kissing Rem, and I know that I shouldn’t. I’ve never felt guilty kissing, or having sex, with other guys. Then again, none of them were anyone that Gabe knew or was friends with. I ask myself why it matter anyway? Gabe had women coming and going out of his life for years.

  I’m startled out of my thoughts when a plate is set in front of me—filled with pancakes. Gabe places a container of syrup next to the plate, and my eyes lift to his. “You don’t need to keep making me breakfast,” I tell him.

  “I don’t mind. Orange juice?”

  I shake my head. “Thank you, I’m good with the just the coffee.”

  He nods and walks back to the stove, transferring pancakes to a plate for himself. After he has a glass of orange juice in hand, he takes a seat at the island and reaches for the syrup.

  As I study him, I note that he looks tired. It’s then that I realize that I don’t ask enough about his own day and how he’s doing. “How was your shift yesterday?”

  He begins digging into his pancakes. “Quite interesting.” He pauses and looks at me. “Kieran and I delivered a baby.”

  My eyes widen as my fork pauses. “You did?”

  He nods. “The mother’s water broke at home, but because her firstborn took so long to deliver, she wasn’t in a rush to get to the hospital. When the couple realized they’d waited too late, they called for an ambulance. We got there just in time to deliver a healthy baby girl.”

  “That’s amazing, Gabe.”

  He smiles. “It’s moments like that which make every single second I put into this job worth it.”

  “I bet there are tough times, too,” I say gently.

  His smile fades. “It’s difficult when we can’t save someone, or we arrive to a DOA and didn’t have a chance to even try.”

  For the first time, I grasp just how much he’s changed since Quinn and I had first arrived in Riverside. He used to be carefree and always looking for a good time. In the past year, he’s become more serious and content to hang in the background. I’m certain his job has played a huge part in his lifestyle changes.

  “I’m sorry, that must be tough,” I say quietly in reference to his comment.

  He nods and turns his attention back to his breakfast. We’re both quiet while we eat, and like a typical male, he’s finished before me. After he pushes aside his plate, his attention focuses on me. “When’s your follow-up appointment?” he asks, referring to my arm.

  “Thursday. Hopefully the stitches can be removed.”

  “Have you cleaned it this morning?”

  My nose wrinkles at the thought. “No, not yet.”

  “Want me to do it?” he offers.

  I look at him as I reach for my coffee. “If you don’t mind.”

  He nods and stands, picking up his glass and plate. “I’ll go get what we’ll need.” A second later, he disappears out of the kitchen.

  I turn back to the pancakes on my plate. I’ve only managed to eat one so far, and after a few more bites, I set the fork down. I shouldn’t admit this to myself, but seeing Gabe in the mornings has been nice. We’re treading on dangerous territory though, and this new morning routine needs to come to an end. It’s not good for either one of us.

  Gabe returns, and he sets the gauze, medical wrap, Vaseline, and washcloth on the island counter. He notices the leftover pancakes on my plate. “You’re not done, are you?”

  “I don’t have an unending pit of a stomach like you do,” I tease.

  “Quinn eats double what you eat.”

  “She has a high metabolism that keeps her skinny,” I counter back.

  He sits down on a stool, shaking his head. “Men don’t want skinny.”

  “What reality have you been living in?”

  “Men want something to hold onto.” He holds out his hand, motioning for my arm.

  “I dare you to repeat that to Quinn.”

  “I’ll pass,” he says dryly. He carefully unwraps my arm and inspects the healing wound. “Everything looks good. How’s the pain?”

  “Better.”

  He rises from the stool and takes the cloth to the sink before returning. Very gently, he begins cleaning the skin around the stitches. “So, you and Rem, eh?” he asks, concentrating on my arm.

  My body stiffens. So he had heard. I remind myself that I have nothing to feel guilty about.

  Gabe reaches for the Vaseline. “Are you interested in him or just trying to distract yourself from the unfinished business between us?”

  My eyes widen. How did he…? We can’t do this. “There isn’t unfinished business,” I say as calmly as I can.

  He carefully spreads Vaseline on the ugly wound, and I’m too distracted to feel any pain. He wipes his hand on the washcloth, and his eyes meet mine as he picks up the fresh roll of gauze. “Sweetheart, we have a shitload of unfinished business.”

  His statement causes my mouth to go dry, and I swallow as a foreboding sense of gloom begins to creep up on me. As much as I want him, I know he’s bad for me. “Why are you doing this, Gabe?” I ask, trying to hide my emotions.

  He begins wrapping my arm, but his eyes remain locked on mine. “Because it’s time.”

  “Time for what?”

  His eyes drop to my arm as he secures the gauze before reaching for the medical wrap. “The truth,” he says steadily.

  “I saw it with my own eyes, remember?” I ask, unable to hide my bitterness.

  “There was more to it th
an just a quick lay, Harper.”

  I watch him secure the medical wrap, and as soon as he’s finished, I pull my arm away. “What does dredging this up accomplish?”

  Now that he’s finished with my arm, all his attention fixates on me. “We never discussed what happened.”

  I stare at him incredulously. “Gabe, you were there when I confronted you. We said everything that needed to be said that day.”

  “No, you did all the talking while I silently stood there and took it.”

  This is crazy. I rise to my feet, anger rising within me. “You’re a jerk, you know that? It’s been years, and now you want to have this argument?”

  Gabe stands too, and his jaw clenches as he watches me reach for my bag and purse. “Damn it, Harper. There are things that I couldn’t tell you back then that you need to know.”

  I swing around to face him, glaring. “You wanted to explore sex with others.”

  “I was afraid of my feelings for you,” he says quietly, his eyes watchful.

  “And I wasn’t?” I counter back. “I gave you my heart, my body. I trusted you,” I say as I watch him flinch. “Everyone’s scared of being hurt, Gabe. That’s life.”

  He draws in a deep breath. “You’re right, but it was different back then. I wasn’t capable of…” He shrugs a shoulder, looking uncertain. “I didn’t know how to handle my emotions.”

  “All you had to do was talk to me.”

  His face twists, and he visibly swallows. “It’s not as easy as you make it sound.” He motions towards me. “Talking to you right now, it’s still difficult. I’m just not good with this shit.”

  “Then why are we standing here discussing it?” I ask.

  His eyes search mine. “Because what began in high school isn’t close to being finished.”

  I’m struggling to keep my composure, and I draw in a deep breath and exhale before I respond. “It was finished the second I saw you having sex with someone else.”

  “It was a mistake, Harper. I’m human, just like everyone else.”

  I sigh and adjust my hold on the bag. “You’re right. We all make mistakes, myself included,” I agree. “Look, let’s just move on from what happened, okay? You have your life, and I have mine.”

  “That’s not what I want.”

  “What is that you want?” I ask with narrowed eyes. He can’t honestly believe that we can move beyond the past and begin dating once more.

  A look of determination crosses his face. “I want a second chance. There’s still something there, Harper. Can’t you feel it?”

  This can’t be happening, not after all this time. I take a step back from him. “Gabe, there’s nothing left to salvage,” I say softly, and my heart twists. As much as I want him, it’s not worth the inevitable heartache that will follow.

  Gabe reaches for me, and before I know what’s happening, he drags me into his arms as his mouth covers mine. My body goes completely still as his warm lips press against my own, and when his tongue sweeps past the seam of my lips, I begin to react instinctively. The kiss deepens, and all the pent-up frustration and desire I’ve been feeling lately finally has an outlet. My heart begins to pound in my chest as the kiss grows out of control as we cling to one another.

  Then, my mind manages to take over, and reality crashes over me like a twenty-foot wave. I push Gabe away and back up a few feet, making certain to stay out of reach.

  “That’s unfinished business,” he confidently declares.

  I want to smack him and run back into his arms at the same time. Damn him. “I can’t do this with you, Gabe,” I say, frustrated with how shaky my voice has become.

  “I know what I want this time, Harper.”

  I force myself to say, “So do I. And it’s not you.”

  “Bullshit.”

  “This isn’t going to happen,” I say, my voice gaining strength.

  “I know you don’t trust me. I don’t blame you. But Harper, I’m not the kid I was when we were in high school,” he insists.

  “And I’m not the girl you used to know. We’ve both changed, and I know what I want and don’t want,” I say steadily.

  “I get that I’ll have to earn your trust back and prove myself to you, Harper. Hell, I haven’t had sex in over six months,” he reveals. “There isn’t anyone else that I want to be with. Only you.”

  “Your sudden celibacy proves nothing.” I straighten my spine and hold his gaze with my own. “Just let it go, Gabe. We can’t salvage anything. I’m going to move on, and you need to do the same.” I glance at the clock. “I’m going to be late.” Before he can protest, I turn and leave the kitchen.

  ***

  My mind is still spinning over what happened this morning with Gabe, and I need to talk to Quinn. She knows everything I’d gone through with him, so she’ll understand why I’m so rattled.

  When my lunch break approaches, I call the salon where Quinn and Ash work. Quinn styles hair, and Ash was recently hired as a full-time receptionist. When Ash answers the phone, I ask her to check if Quinn wants to meet me for lunch. I also tell her she’s more than welcome to join us, but she tells me she can’t but that Quinn will.

  With forty-five minutes on my hands for lunch, I drive from the clinic to a little restaurant that’s known for its quick service. I typically take a half hour lunch in the breakroom, but today, I want to get out of the building. If we don’t make it a habit, we can squeeze out an extra fifteen minutes if we’ve left the clinic.

  It’s beautiful today, so when I arrive at the restaurant, I snag a table out on the back patio. While I wait for Quinn, I order an iced tea. The patio is welcoming with flagstone tiles, and small decorative tables scattered around. Tall shrubbery has been strategically placed amongst the tables, giving the illusion of privacy. Most of the tables have been taken, so I’m glad that I’d arrived when I had.

  My thoughts shift, and I take a sip of my tea and set it back on the table. It’d been difficult concentrating on my job today, and I’d decided it might be wise to talk with Quinn before the second half of my shift begins. I’m usually quite calm, and rarely do I experience anxiety, but when Gabe’s involved…

  A bird swoops down onto the patio, and I watch as it pecks at a few crumbs on the ground beneath the last empty table.

  Gabe kissed me.

  I’m still stunned that he’d declared he wants a second chance with me. He’d made it sound simple, but it’s not. I was young when he’d broken my heart. Now, I’m a woman with adult wants and needs, and if I allow him back into my heart, the heartbreak will be worse the second time around.

  I look up as Quinn breezes onto the patio with the waitress. She looks carefree and relaxed with her purple windblown hair and casual outfit. She’s wearing skinny jeans today with a billowy blouse, and her favorite high-heeled booties. She drops into the opposite chair and places her purse on the table as she flashes me a grin.

  We immediately place our orders since we’re both on our breaks, and the waitress leaves to give them to the cook.

  “It’s gorgeous today. Thanks for the invite.” Quinn’s eyes wistfully slide around the patio. “It’ll be hard going back after being outside in the sunshine.”

  “I know, but I couldn’t resist.”

  We look up as the waitress reappears with Quinn’s soda, and after Quinn thanks her, the waitress moves on to a nearby table.

  Quinn sips her soda and then sets it down, her eyes focused on me. “How’s your day going?”

  There isn’t anyone close enough to overhear our conversation, but I keep my voice low anyway. “It started with Gabe kissing me.”

  Her eyebrows lift. “Did you guys at least talk first?”

  That wasn’t the reaction I was expecting from her. “Of course. He says he wants a second chance,” I add.

  She looks at me with interest. “What was your reaction?”

  I study her expression. She’s awfully calm about this, and she doesn’t look all that surprised. “Did you know
?”

  She shrugs. “I’ve noticed the way he looks at you when he thinks no one’s paying attention to him.”

  My lips part. “You knew this was coming and didn’t warn me?”

  “What was I supposed to say? By the way, I think Gabe regrets what happened and might still have feelings for you? Nothing was for certain, and it was just my opinion based on what I’d seen. What would have been the point in telling you? It wouldn’t have accomplished anything other than make you uncomfortable around him.”

  She has a point. I release a sigh and reach for my iced tea. “I was completely blindsided.”

  She looks at me questioningly. “You didn’t ever consider that he might still be hung up on you?”

  I shake my head and sip the tea before placing it back on the table. “The thought never crossed my mind. He’s always been with other women, so it’s a scenario I’ve never thought about.”

  “Now’s the time to entertain the idea,” she says bluntly.

  I look at her as if she’s lost her mind. “Quinn, there’s nothing to consider.”

  Her expression softens. “I know how you feel about him, Harper.”

  “There’s an enormous difference between feeling and acting on it.”

  “True, but don’t you ever wonder?” she asks seriously.

  “No. I want to move on.”

  “I was there to see it all go down, so I know how badly he hurt you. But it was also years ago. We’ve all changed and matured,” she gently reminds.

  “Most people who cheat continue to cheat.”

  “The keyword in that sentence is ‘most.’”

  I sit back in my chair, confused over this conversation. Quinn’s always been protective of me, especially when Gabe’s involved. “I thought you’d be the last person to defend him.”

  “I’m not defending him, but if you didn’t want my honest opinion, you wouldn’t have brought him up. I’m assuming Gabe’s the reason we’re sitting here in the first place.”