Complete Works of J. M. Barrie

by Unknown

  HALLIWELL (at last finding his tongue and crossing to rintoul). It was you who invited him about the place, Rintoul — it was you who flung them together!

  LORD RINTOUL. Is what Lady Barbara says true?

  (LORD RINTOUL’S good nature is all gone now.)

  GAVIN (to RINTOUL). She was all the world to me.

  BABBIE. Was?

  GAVIN. Is. I cannot wonder at your anger — it must seem monstrous to you that I should have raised my eyes to her.

  HALLIWELL. Oh no! a minister is always looking upwards, is he not?

  GAVIN. You speak scornfully, sir, but I believe you have found the reason why I love her.

  LORD RINTOUL. Damnation — the warrant! (Goes to writing-table.)

  BABBIE. If you sign that, father, won’t it mean getting into the song yourself?

  LORD RINTOUL (on consideration, throwing down pen and picking up warrant). I give you one last chance, sir. This shall not be issued if I have your word that you never approach my daughter again. (Turns and looks at babbie.)

  GAVIN. I make no bargains — I decline. But I am a man of honour, I hope, and I would marry no man’s daughter without his consent — you may be sure of that.

  (BABBIE’S head jerks up at this.)

  Nor would she, I am certain, marry anyone against your wish.

  (This is not precisely how BABBIE is looking.)

  LORD RINTOUL. SO she has repeatedly said. (Looking up at BABBIE.)

  (She hangs her head. He considers warrant.) I shall think it over. (Puts warrant in pocket.)

  HALLIWELL. Quite a family affair. And now, my reverend gentleman, as it seems no immediate action is to be taken, I think you expressed a desire to go. (Holds out gavin’s hat)

  Allow me.

  GAVIN (taking hat). As for you, sir, you are naturally perturbed; but your breeks fit you beautifully.

  (RINTOUL laughs, GAVIN looks at him, then goes to BABBIE, kisses her and exits after glancing at RINTOUL and HALLIWELL. HALLIWELL runs off after him.)

  LORD RINTOUL (to BABBIE). By all that’s infernal — he kissed you!

  BABBIE (large-eyed). I thought he did, father! (Runs to armchair by fire and sits.)

  LORD RINTOUL (following her down). You shall suffer for this!

  (Re-enter halliwell.)

  HALLIWELL. But the man — the man — is he to get off scot-free?

  LORD RINTOUL. I’ll see to him — I tell you I’ll make short shrift of him. (With idea) Halliwell, suppose — we do arrest him, then — but no, that would drag me into it. (He has produced warrant again — again pockets it.)

  HALLIWELL. Here’s an idea. If I — but they would get wind of that!

  (BABBIE gets up quickly and kneels in chair, looking at them.)

  LORD RINTOUL (producing warrant). I could compel him — but could I? (Pockets it.)

  HALLIWELL. The one course open —

  LORD RINTOUL. Yes?

  HALLIWELL. No, it isn’t open now! (To babbie, sarcastically) Lady Barbara, I congratulate you.

  (BABBIE SITS in chair and PUTS FINGERS in her ears, looking at fire, RINTOUL paces UP and down.)

  His first choice was a somewhat different woman. The gipsy he wanders woods with! The vagrant he passes off as his wife — a pretty trollop, they tell me. (She remains listless and unhappy.)

  LORD RINTOUL. That woman — I wish to God she was his wife.

  HALLIWELL. Yes, because then — (He is suddenly made speechless by a magnificent idea.) Ye powers! Why did I not think of it before? (Gloriously) Rintoul, what if she were his wife — and is!

  (BABBIE becomes suddenly alert.)

  LORD RINTOUL. Eh?

  HALLIWELL. Something better — a thousand times better — than the warrant! Don’t you see — he acknowledged this gipsy as his wife before witnesses — Sergeant Davidson and two of my men. Does not that constitute a marriage by the laws of Scotland?

  (BABBIE jumps out of chair.)

  BABBIE. What! (Sits.)

  LORD RINTOUL. Halliwell! There have been many such cases. If the witnesses will swear to it, those two are man and wife as much as though they had been married in St. Paul’s Cathedral by the Archbishop of Canterbury.

  BABBIE. Oh! (Scared.)

  HALLIWELL. And they will swear to it! We have him now!

  LORD RINTOUL. We have him now!

  BABBIE. Father! (Really meaning that this must be stopped.)

  LORD RINTOUL (sternly). Not a word.

  (babbie sits again.)

  HALLIWELL (gloating). They have been married, Lady Barbara, for — let me see — for eleven days!

  BABBIE (in a gasp that may be ecstasy or trepidation). Eleven days!

  LORD RINTOUL. After him, Halliwell — we mustn’t keep the poor devil in ignorance.

  HALLIWELL. This is what I shall do. With your permission I propose to send one of your servants on horseback to the barracks with orders to Davidson and the two other witnesses to meet me at Dishart’s house.

  LORD RINTOUL. Agreed, agreed!

  BABBIE (scared). No — no — you can’t!

  LORD RINTOUL. Silence!

  (babbie skips back to chair and sits again.)

  HALLIWELL. I shall drive in from here and meet them there.

  LORD RINTOUL. Off you go.

  HALLIWELL. Dishart should be there as soon as I, as he can cross the river by the stepping-stones. And then I will have news for both him and his weavers!

  LORD RINTOUL. News, news! I’ll come with you, Halliwell. Oh, much better than this warrant! (He tears it up and flings it on table.)

  HALLIWELL. Bravo! Good evening, Barbara.

  (She turns to him, kneeling on chair; he holds out his hand.)

  Won’t you?

  BABBIE (without taking it, and with a meaning he does not understand,). Good luck, Dick! (Sweetly) He will be very broken, remember. You will be gentle with him, won’t you?

  (She kneels on hearthrug and takes up poker.)

  HALLIWELL. Oh, certainly. (Turns to go.)

  BABBIE. He was rather nice to you, you know — (Turns to him with left hand on floor) — about your breeks.

  (CAPTAIN HALLIWELL goes quickly off frowning, and observing a smile pass between father and daughter.

  BABBIE takes advantage of the smile.)

  His breeks! (Coaxingly) Dear father! (Arm round his neck.)

  LORD RINTOUL (promptly assuming the stern parent). None of your trying to get round me. (Putting her arm down.)

  BABBIE (nearly crying over the difficulty of the situation). I don’t know what to do!

  LORD RINTOUL. There is nothing for you to do. You shall leave it all to us.

  BABBIE. You are sure that is the best plan?

  LORD RINTOUL. Quite sure.

  BABBIE (as if to herself). Leave it all to father — he knows best.

  LORD RINTOUL. Besides, the law must take its course.

  BABBIE (clinging TO THE WORD). Yes, the law. We can’t go against the law, can we, father?

  LORD RINTOUL. He IS MARRIED, AND he MUST face IT.

  BABBIE. You’ve got to face it, Mr. Dishart. And she —

  (Sits by him.) She has got to face it too, hasn’t she?

  LORD RINTOUL. Must I pack you off to England, Babbie, or are you to come to your senses and confront this situation like a girl of spirit?

  BABBIE. My senses! Where are they? It is as if you had taken them away between you.

  LORD RINTOUL. Surely a daughter of mine can’t go on caring for a man who has been playing with her.

  BABBIE (nicely). He hasn’t, daddy, he loves me dearly. He only called — that woman — his wife to save her. Mere kindness. Why shouldn’t I love him still?

  LORD RINTOUL. Kindness! If you knew all I know!

  BABBIE (sharply). Oh! (Pointedly) How much do you know, father?

  lord RINTOUL (palpably lying). Babbie, he kissed her that night in the wood!

  BABBIE. No, HE DIDN’T.

  LORD RINTOUL. My dear, I was there, and you weren’t....<
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  BABBIE. You mean?

  LORD RINTOUL.! MEAN! SAW HIM DO IT.

  BABBIE. Take care, father, this is very important. If you say you saw that —

  LORD RINTOUL.! DO say IT.

  BABBIE. Then I don’t see why I shouldn’t let things take their course.

  LORD RINTOUL. You GIVE HIM up?

  BABBIE. Father, if he is really married to this gipsy, I won’t interfere to save him.

  LORD RINTOUL. That’s my true daughter.

  BABBIE (growing nervous again). At least, I don’t think I will. I am not sure.

  LORD RINTOUL. No WEAKENING.

  BABBIE (facing him). Father, he must have been running after this girl at the very time he was making love to me.

  LORD RINTOUL (who is still sitting). I know he was.

  BABBIE (as if enraged). Oo! (Sits again, changing.) You won’t do anything else to him, will you? (Head on his shoulder.)

  LORD RINTOUL (chuckling). To find himself married to that wench will be punishment enough for anyone. (Laughs.)

  BABBIE (laughing). I dare say.

  LORD RINTOUL. A man must take the consequences of his rash acts.

  BABBIE. And so must the woman! (Big laugh.)

  LORD RINTOUL. Exactly. If ever man brought his doom upon himself he has done it.

  BABBIE. His doom! Make way, Mr. Dishart, for your doom. (Suddenly afraid.) It is so irrevocable! Irrevocable is an awful word, father. (Sits.) Shouldn’t we let him off?

  LORD RINTOUL (sternly). Now, now. None of that. Be brave.

  BABBIE. Perhaps it’s being rather hard on her?

  LORD RINTOUL. You would have pity for her! I expect she’s hungering for him.

  BABBIE. I dare say she is. (Changing) I’m frightened, father.

  LORD RINTOUL. All this pother!

  BABBIE. Father, you are sure you saw him kiss her in the wood?

  LORD RINTOUL. Twice!

  BABBIE. Oh, that decides it! Father, I shall have no mercy on him now.

  LORD RINTOUL. That’s my girl.

  BABBIE. Father, do your duty.

  LORD RINTOUL. I will.

  (He rises and crosses to fire. She goes to him wheedlingly, yet half panic-stricken.)

  BABBIE. There is just one other little thing — a very little thing — so tiny, just about that size. (Holding up her finger.)

  LORD RINTOUL (at once suspicious). Well?

  BABBIE (faltering). It would be easier to say if you would sit down, daddy — (She rather forces him back into armchair by fire.) You see, I — I — (Kneels by him.) I want to come with you, father.

  LORD RINTOUL. That would be vindictive. No, no, I can’t have that. Besides, it would be too painful to you.

  BABBIE. I feel — I feel I could stand it. Do let me come.

  LORD RINTOUL. You will stay at home.

  BABBIE. Father, I so want to see his face — when he hears his DOOM. (HEAD ON his ARM.)

  LORD RINTOUL. It will certainly be worth observing!

  BABBIE. Then I may come!

  LORD RINTOUL. No, you may not. I’ll tell you all about it when I get back.

  BABBIE. That won’t be quite the same thing. Father, I am a regrettably odd sort of girl, am I not?

  LORD RINTOUL. You are indeed.

  BABBIE. And I am in a very excited state. If you leave me behind I may do something monstrous. Don’t you think that for the next few hours it would be wise not to let me out of your sight.

  LORD RINTOUL. Gad, there’s more in that than you know! After all, there is no particular reason against your coming.

  (LOOKS at her.)

  BABBIE. Oo! (Picks up cushion off couch and throws it UP-) —

  LORD RINTOUL. But remember, this is my affair and Halliwell’s. I will have no interference.

  BABBIE. I promise not to say a word. I shall leave it all to you. (Puts cushion back on sofa.)

  LORD RINTOUL. Then on with a cloak and bonnet. I shall be down in a moment. (Going to stair — he turns) If I thought you might make a scene —

  BABBIE. I won’t. But I dare say somebody else will!

  (Both laughing.)

  LORD RINTOUL (going upstairs, amused).! GUARANTEE somebody else will! A certain gentleman! A certain gentleman!

  (Leaves chuckling, BABBIE, left alone, pauses halfway to door with sinking courage. From this point onwards she is more or less hysterical.)

  BABBIE. Of course, I can’t do it — never meant to do it. Oh, father, why did you tell that fib about the kiss? Think, Babbie, think, and draw back.

  (Door opens and felice comes out, carrying a bonnet and cloak. She is a correct maid, though secretly thrilled.)

  Remember, irrevocable! Why — what, you have been listening, Felice!

  FELICE. My lady — eleven days. (She jumps.)

  BABBIE. I don’t want them, you know — I am not going.

  (But she meekly lets cloak be put on her. Then with sudden thought) Felice, I hope father will not think afterwards that I have deceived him! (Partly to herself — part vaguely to felice) A minister! I am very fond of him and he is sixteen feet by twelve, but there are sure to be mothers’ meetings and I can’t do it. (Hands back the garments.) And now I must be a spinster all my life — I must either be a spinster all my life or have been married for eleven days! (At this thought she rushes into garments again, then has another fear.) Perhaps he would rather not! Irrevocable! I daren’t do it — I can’t. I hear father coming! (Takes bonnet from felice.) I will tell him the truth.

  FELICE (disappointedly). My lady!

  BABBIE. Go away, Felice. (Putting on bonnet.)

  FELICE (reluctantly). But my lady!

  BABBIE. Please.

  (FELICE goes off to room under compulsion, BABBIE is alone again.)

  ‘ Father,’ I will say, ‘I am the gipsy; do you like me in this bonnet?’ (Speaking hysterically as if it were all one sentence.) I couldn’t possibly do it perhaps the other goes better with the cloak poor father but blue is my colour. (Picks up torn warrant from table, then crosses down to couch and sits.) Gavin, Gavin, I love you so much in a silk dress black with beads on it and my father has been married to a gipsy for eleven days! (She has the pieces of torn warrant, lifts, kisses and puts in her bosom with little cries.)

  (LORD RINTOUL, coated for driving, reappears, and speaks as he comes down the stairs.)

  LORD RINTOUL. I see Halliwell has got the dogcart out. We mustn’t keep him waiting.

  BABBIE. Father, I have something to say to you. (She is genuinely loving as she pushes him excitedly into a chair and hugs him excitingly.)

  LORD RINTOUL (struggling in her embrace). What is it? Quick!

  (She dabs frenzied little kisses on odd parts of him, his head, nose, chin, hat, and knees, all the while uttering hysterical sounds.)

  BABBIE (retreating a little). I have something to say to you.

  LORD RINTOUL. What is it? What is it? Well — well!

  (Instead of saying it she rushes at him again on the other side and dabs more kisses on him — then standing to make confession.)

  BABBIE. It’s this — it’s this — father, I am quite ready!

  (She puts her hand on his arm and they commence to go off.)

  ACT IV

  The Manse Garden. It is now moonlight. The church is still lit up, and singing is going on in it in old-fashioned style, i e a man’s voice in distance is indistinctly heard reading a line of a psalm, then the congregation sing it, and so on.

  PRECENTOR.

  ‘Snares, fire and brimstone, furious storms on sinners He shall rain.’ (Congregation intones above line.)

  PRECENTOR.

  ‘This as the portion of their cup doth unto them pertain.’ (Congregation intones above line, SNECKY, WHAMOND, and ANDREW are sitting on wall of gate. They all have their hats in their hands, DOW is sitting miserably on wall, MICAH sits on wall with feet up.)

  SNECKY (when the singing ceases). That’s the psalm finished.