Complete Works of J. M. Barrie

by Unknown

  (They put on hats simultaneously.)

  Tammas, they have been in the kirk an hour and a half, and we canna keep them ony longer. You said you would tell them as soon as the psalm was finished.

  WHAMOND. Will’um will be offering up a prayer now. I’ll tell them when the prayer is finished.

  SNECKY. It’s the fourth time you’ve said that. Tammas, you ‘re as loth to tell them as we are oursel’s.

  WHAMOND. It must be done. (Gets off wall.)

  DOW. Your face is hard — your mind’s made up. Afore this night is out he’ll be without a hame and without a kirk — and it’s me that has brought it on him. If he hadna run off wi’ her, he would be at the prayer meeting this minute. (Rises.)

  It’s me as has done this — me!

  (His grief affects them all, but they keep firm. Sentiment must be kept out of it.)

  WHAMOND (AFFECTED, BUT COMPELLING HIMSELF TO BE FIERCE). Dinna break down! Bear no ill-will, Rob, to an auld man that has a hard duty to do this night.

  (WHAMOND TAKES SNUFF AND THEN OFFERS SNUFFBOX TO DOW. DOW TRIES TO TAKE SNUFF, BUT CANNOT.)

  DOW. I call you all to witness, I’ve done with religion — I’d rather be playing cards in Hell than singing psalms in Heaven.

  (DOW exits through gate and micah follows him.)

  SNECKY. Poor Rob!

  ANDREW. This is the end o’t, and Mr. Dishart so highly edicated. That’s the extraordinar’ thing. He goes daft about a woman, and him so highly edicated.

  SNECKY. ‘Her Boy Am I.’ What a sermon could be preached frae that text.

  WHAMOND. There never was a man that kent more about women, judged by his sermons.

  SNECKY (with a LONG GROAN). Oh! How he exposed them!

  WHAMOND. Mary, Martha, Sarah, Ruth, Hagar — he made the very teeth of them rattle in their mouths. It fair made me ashamed of being a married man.

  ANDREW. How he warned the young men about being careful in their choice. ‘A religious woman is the only pearl of price,’ says he, ‘and see to it she belongs to your own denomination,’ says he, ‘and be no too hasty and watch her first in her home,’ says he, ‘ for it is the good daughter that makes the good wife.’ whamond. You would have said he kent all about the women as plain as though he had wandered through them with a lighted candle.

  SNECKY. And yet it has come to this, as it comes to every son of Adam. For a while he thinks women is the poor miserable crittures we all ken them to be, till on a woeful day he sees one, very like the others, and something inside him goes crack, whether he be highly edicated or highly ignorant.

  (ENTER silva AT GATE.)

  SILVA. Tammas! Tammas, there’s a queer piece o’ gossip being handed frae mouth to mouth in the kirk.

  WHAMOND (STERNLY). Gossip in the kirk!

  SNECKY. Oh, shame, shame! (EAGERLY) What is’t?

  SILVA. It’s about him. Thae twa women, Bell Dundas and Tibbie Birse, that has been searching far and near to match the rose he was so fond o’ —

  ANDREW. They ‘re no at the meeting.

  SILVA. They came creeping in a quarter of an hour since, near daft wi’ triumph, for they’ve found out that the rose only grows in the green-house o’ Rintoul.

  SNECKY. Keep’s all! She had stolen it frae there!

  SILVA. Ay; undoubtedly, but that’s no what they think in the kirk, where the news ran round as soft as if a mouse was carrying it. At the back pews it was only that the rose had been pluckit at Rintoul; half a dozen pews down they were whispering had he got it frae Lady Barbara; and as I came out, Bell McQuhathy grips my hand and implores me to tell her for the love o’ Heaven if it’s true that the minister is away buying the ring.

  SNECKY. Oh, midgins, midgins!

  ANDREW. Mr. Dishart married on a ladyship! What a glory to our kirk!

  (WHAMOND nods.)

  SNECKY. And what a cause of jealousy — to other kirks!

  SILVA. Tammas, this will only mak’ them the more merciless when you tell them the truth.

  WHAMOND. That’s so. He’s doomed.

  ANDREW. H’st!

  (whamond, silva, and andrew look off. All listen intently, andrew nods to them excitedly. They look significantly to each other whamond looks straight before him. All follow his example. Enter gavin through gate. He stops, nervous, and taken aback at sight of them. They ignore him.)

  GAVIN (trying to brazen it out). It is a beautiful night — quite like an evening in June.

  (WHAMOND snorts, GAVIN takes SNECKY by arm.)

  (Fiercely) Hobart — it — is — quite — like — an evening — in —

  June!

  SNECKY (slowly). ‘ Her Boy Am I.’ GAVIN. Thomas Whamond!

  (whamond points slowly over his shoulder to the kirk.)

  WHAMOND. Your prayer meeting. I see you’ve been running, Mr. Dishart! That’s no state for a minister’s hat.

  (GAVIN takes off hat.)

  And your hair!

  (GAVIN puts hat on again. All look at each other again.

  GAVIN goes to Manse door, rattles it, trying vainly to open it, then looks at WHAMOND. WHAMOND folds his arms again, DOW and MICAH re-enter anxiously at gate.)

  GAVIN. Thomas Whamond, the key of the Manse, — quick!

  WHAMOND (fiercely). No! Whaur have you been, Mr. Dishart?

  GAVIN. Don’t attempt to hector me, sir. The key!

  WHAMOND (sadly). We have no desire to hector you, Mr. Dishart. Our hearts are ower heavy for that. But what kept you frae the meeting?

  GAVIN (more softly). You have a right to ask me, but I cannot tell you.

  ANDREW. Mr. Dishart, we ken all.

  SNECKY. Ay, we ken all — and the rest we can guess.

  WHAMOND. Say it wasna the Egyptian woman, and we’ll believe you. But say it was — and you shall never again cross the threshold o’ that Manse.

  MICAH. Oh, Mr. Dishart, say it. Look at my father and say it!

  (whamond takes out key.)

  GAVIN. I cannot say it.

  (Elders become adamant, WHAMOND puts key of Manse into his pocket.)

  ANDREW (hard, turning to whamond). Tammas, the congregation is waiting — are you coming?

  WHAMOND (sternly). I’m coming.

  (SNECKY goes with him, and SILVA and ANDREW also turn to go.)

  DOW (suddenly guarding the way). You PASS ME FIRST!

  GAVIN. Rob, THERE MUST BE no BRAWLING HERE. Fall BACK!

  DOW (breaking out). No, I winna fall back — and there shall be brawling here! Mr. Dishart, let me break their heads for once, and I promise you I’ll be a religious man for evermore.

  GAVIN. I forbid you.

  WHAMOND. Follow me.

  (Some sound is heard. They all look off.)

  ANDREW. Wha are they? Tak’ tent o’ yoursel’s, lads!

  MICAH. The red-coats! The red-coats!

  WHAMOND. Coming here!

  GAVIN. So soon!

  (They fall back in consternation as SERGEANT DAVIDSON and two Soldiers enter.)

  Don’t be alarmed! These men have not come for you.

  DAVIDSON. I don’t know what we have come for, Mr. Dishart. A servant from Rintoul came galloping into the barracks with orders from the Captain to meet him here. I know no more.

  SNECKY. He’s no here.

  DAVIDSON. He will be here directly. His dogcart is on the brae.

  GAVIN (to dow). They have come for me.

  (DOW turns up and threatens Soldiers.)

  No violence, Rob.

  DAVIDSON. I hope I see you well, sir. My compliments to Mrs. Dishart.

  WHAMOND. To wha? (Looks amazed at gavin, who turns away.) Wha did he say?

  MICAH. I see the carriage!

  DOW (on wall). They ‘re getting out o’t. That’s Halliwell!

  SNECKY. And that’s Rintoul himself!

  DOW. There’s a woman wi’ them.

  GAVIN. A woman?

  DOW. — )

  WHAMOND.) Ay, it is — it’s a woman. Wha can she be?

  SILVA.
)

  ANDREW. She’s a younger kimmer.

  DAVIDSON. I see her face, Mr. Dishart; it’s your good lady.

  (gavin has no answer.)

  DOW. Behears! This beats all! It’s the Egyptian!

  SNECKY. Oh! keep’s a’ tod! Dod! Ay, faags, is that her? But she’s unca grand dressed for an Egyptian!

  ANDREW. Here they come!

  WHAMOND. She’s dressed up to the nines — but it’s her!

  OMNES. Ay, ay, they’ve catched her.

  WHAMOND. Ay, they’ve got her.

  (Enter lord rintoul with babbie, followed by captain halliwell, swaggering, babbie is very demure and trembling.)

  HALLIWELL. You are here, Davidson — that is well!

  (GLOATING) Good evening, Mr. Dishart — you scarcely thought you would see us so soon again — eh?

  GAVIN. You have lost no time, sir; but I know what you have come for, and I am ready.

  HALLIWELL. He knows what we have come for, Rintoul!

  LORD RINTOUL (grimly). I think not, Mr. Dishart!

  GAVIN. You are here to arrest me.

  WHAMOND. Arrest him?

  HALLIWELL. Not at all.

  (gavin is surprised.)

  BABBIE (faltering). It is something much worse than that!

  WHAMOND. Worse, eh! (Defending gavin) Let’s see you lay hand on our minister!

  DOW. It’ll be a bloody hand. Micah, bring my pike with the thick handle.

  (MICAH runs off. LORD RINTOUL stops him with a gesture.)

  LORD RINTOUL. Stop! You men — my dispute with you is ended, let that be understood — but allow me to put a question to you. If a man and woman resident in Scotland — declare themselves married before witnesses, does that constitute a marriage?

  WHAMOND. What are you after? You ken it does — everybody kens that!

  SNECKY. We had a case o’ the kind here — ay, and the man tried to get out o’t. He said it was just done for fun. But he couldna — she had him! They were tied for life.

  LORD RINTOUL (to gavin). You hear, Mr. Dishart.

  WHAMOND (suddenly guessing). You dinna mean that he —

  SNECKY. Him I andrew. Mr. Dishart!

  HALLIWELL (who, with LORD RINTOUL, has been enjoying GAVIN’S surprise and horror of Elders). Davidson, come forward!

  GAVIN (excitedly). Stop! Lord Rintoul! (To halliwell) I see what you are here for now — but I warn you — desist! You don’t know what you are doing.

  HALLIWELL. You will permit us to be the best judges of that. Davidson, what are your grounds for thinking that Mr. Dishart is a married man?

  GAVIN. Stop! (To BABBIE) do you not see what the object of all this is?

  BABBIE (faltering). People must take the consequences of their rash acts!

  HALLIWELL. Does that satisfy you, sir? Answer me, Davidson.

  (gavin continues to stare at babbie, who sometimes peeps at him half-frightened.)

  DAVIDSON. On the night we came after the rioters, I met Mr. Dishart in the wood. The woman was wi’ him. They passed themselves off to me as man and wife. I’m sorry, Mr. Dishart, but I have two witnesses. (Signing to Soldiers.)

  HALLIWELL. You corroborate the sergeant’s evidence?

  SOLDIERS. Yes, Captain.

  LORD RINTOUL (to whamond). Is that sufficient, sir?

  WHAMOND. It was the Egyptian?

  HALLIWELL. Yes, he admitted it to me this evening.

  LORD RINTOUL (stepping forward and producing a document). This is a paper in which his confession, as made to both of us, is set forth and signed by myself and Captain Halliwell. We wrote it out in the dogcart; shall I read it to you all?

  WHAMOND (sorrowfully, after looking at GAVIN). It’s no necessary.

  DOW. All IS OVER.

  LORD RINTOUL. It is far from my intention, Mr. Dishart, to crow over you — though you have tried me sore.

  HALLIWELL. We feel deeply for you. (Chuckling.)

  LORD RINTOUL. But I am a magistrate, and there is no getting past this document — it is your marriage lines.

  HALLIWELL. Your marriage lines, sir.

  BABBIE. Your — marriage — lines — sir!

  (GAVIN goes towards her. She retreats from him in fear and sits on seat.)

  GAVIN. Sergeant —

  DAVIDSON. I must stick to my words, Mr. Dishart — you called that woman there your wife.

  (LORD RINTOUL and CAPTAIN HALLIWELL, who have been complacent, start.)

  HALLIWELL. What’s that?

  DAVIDSON. I am only saying, Captain, that is the woman.

  (Seeing something is wrong.) Is that not what you wanted me to say?

  LORD RINTOUL. You are a fool, man. It was the gipsy that he married.

  DAVIDSON. Begging your lordship’s pardon, but that is the gipsy.

  WHAMOND. Do you think we dinna ken her because she’s grand dressed?

  LORD RINTOUL. That — that is my daughter!

  (This causes a stir.)

  SNECKY.? (Licks his lips.)

  WHAMOND. His daughter?

  (Pause.)

  DAVIDSON. Heaven help me, what have I done?

  HALLIWELL. I tell you — that is Lady Barbara Yuill.

  LORD RINTOUL (wildly). Mr. Dishart — Babbie, tell them who you are.

  BABBIE (quaking). But I — I — I am not quite sure, father!

  WHAMOND (grandly). I think I can tell you who she is — that’s Lady Barbara Dishart!

  LORD RINTOUL (choking and going to BABBIE). Was — was it you?

  (BABBIE rises, retreats quaking, then nods.)

  How?

  (Elders all gather, with their heads together.)

  BABBIE. By the secret staircase! You remember I told you — you ought to have that panel nailed up! I wanted to save the weavers. You always said I took my sense of humour from you, father! And then he — (Looking at gavin) — he thought I was a gipsy. It was so stupid of him, just because I was wearing a gipsy dress — and he made love to me —

  WHAMOND. The Minister! (Looks at gavin.)

  BABBIE. Yes, you did! I was very angry —

  GAVIN. Oh!

  BABBIE. I was — so! went out to meet him again, just to show him that — just to show him — and he thought! was a gipsy all the time, and — (Desperate) — and — so stupid of him — and so — father —

  (HALLIWELL stamps his foot.)

  — it is all Dick’s fault!

  HALLIWELL. My fault!

  WHAMOND. The Captain’s fault!

  (Soldiers chuckle, halliwell glares at them.)

  BABBIE. Well, if it isn’t your fault, it is this man’s. (Looks reprovingly at gavin.) I won’t have father blamed!

  LORD RINTOUL (stepping back). You — you — (Frantic.)

  (BABBIE retreats and sits on doorstep of Manse.

  HALLIWELL is about to seize the paper which is on seat, but MICAH seizes it, gives it to DOW.)

  HALLIWELL. Mr. Dishart, it cannot be that you are willing to take advantage OF Lord Rintoul’s infernal blunder?

  RINTOUL. My blunder! Yours from beginning to end.

  WHAMOND. It matters little whether he is willing to take advantage of it or no, but! Think! Ken four simple auld men that mean to do.

  SNECKY. Four simple auld men — it’s nobly said.

  (Elders are gathered complacently round WHAMOND to great delight of DOW.)

  WHAMOND. Rob Dow, that paper. (To MICAH) Micah, send the congregation here.

  (Exit MICAH triumphantly.)

  HALLIWELL (desperately). Rintoul, I have been laughed AT sufficiently about this gipsy, but when this is known — !

  LORD RINTOUL (pettishly). Always thinking of yourself!

  WHAMOND (facing the Elders). My best plan, I think, will be to read this document to the congregation — the marriage lines, as it has been truly called!