Awaken

by Denese Shelton

  She couldn’t remember having said the word “okay” as many times in her whole life as she had in the last twenty-four hours. As she turned the corner and began to make her way back to her condo, she grasped that her “okay” was actually “yes.” Just as when she was painting, saying yes to Steve was saying yes to something her heart wanted. For once in her life, her heart would be the leader and her head would simply have to follow.

  Chapter 23

  Dale was a gentleman, just as before. This time he picked up Sierra at her condo. He arrived with a smile on his face and roses in his hand. He was dressed casually, in dark-washed jeans and a pale blue button-down shirt with a black leather jacket on top to keep the chill off of him. He wore nice black leather shoes that looked expensive. His hair was perfectly brushed so that the waves in his short cut flowed impeccably. His skin was just as gorgeous and caramel as the first time she’d seen it. By all measures, Dale was perfect, and Sierra made a note of it.

  Sierra herself had on a long, dark gray sweater dress that she’d paired with her tall black suede boots and her red scarf. She had chosen the outfit carefully after getting home from her time with Steve, using obsessing over her outfit for her date as a distraction from her thoughts of Steve. And it had worked, too—right up until Steve texted her saying how much he’d enjoyed their time together and was looking forward to doing it again. Sierra had to admit that she felt the same and texted back “Me too,” even as her heart was beating faster simply at reading his text.

  Nevertheless, Sierra was determined to give Dale her undivided attention tonight. He was thoughtful, successful, handsome, and kind. On paper, he checked off on every characteristic Sierra was looking for. He deserved a chance, and Sierra was going to give him one.

  The drive over to the movie theater took place in awkward silence at first. They appeared to have covered most of their common interests on the first date. Only when Sierra asked Dale about his day did conversation begin to fill the stillness. He was happy to talk about some of the more interesting points of the day—without naming any names, of course. Sierra happily let him take over the talking. For one, he really seemed to enjoy talking about his job, certainly more than she liked to talk about hers. Secondly, with him talking, she could try and concentrate on his words and not allow her mind to drift.

  But after he’d shared two short stories, he stopped to ask her how her business was going.

  She told him about the sale she’d closed earlier in the day—leaving out the game and dinner that had followed—and he congratulated her with genuine excitement and pride in his voice. He then asked her about other clients and prospects she was working on.

  Sierra paused. “Actually, I’m starting to lighten my load.”

  Dale glanced over at her. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, I’m taking a little more personal time.”

  Dale nodded in understanding. “Yeah, breaks are good. It’s nice to have a little vacation. Afterward, you feel totally rejuvenated and ready to work and focus on the tasks at hand. I know you know with anything, though, you should strike while the iron’s hot and people are interested. I believe in rest, but you can’t stagnate. Time waits for no man or woman.”

  Sierra nodded, realizing that his thoughts mimicked her own less than three months ago, but now, she wasn’t so sure she wholeheartedly agreed with him, at least not when it came to real estate .

  “So, what are you going to do with the free time?”

  “I’m going to try and relax, and I’ve also started to paint again,” Sierra said, brightening at the thought of her art.

  “Oh, wow,” Dale said. “I didn’t know you painted. It’s really good to have a hobby.”

  When Dale said the word “hobby,” Sierra felt a twinge in her body that told her she was offended by the idea of her painting being a hobby. She knew he didn’t mean anything by it, and if she was being honest, that was exactly what her painting was—but still, she couldn’t deny that twinge.

  When Sierra made no response to his comment, Dale added, “I would really like to see some of your paintings, one day, if you don’t mind.”

  Sierra didn’t know if she minded or not, but she appreciated his interest. Her warm feelings toward Dale were renewed.

  When they got to the movie theater, he paid for the tickets.

  “Do you want anything from the snack bar?” he asked.

  She really wasn’t hungry at all; in fact, she was still pretty full from her earlier meal. She did, however, like to snack on something when she watched a movie. “How about some Reese’s Pieces?” she suggested.

  “Coming right up!” Dale said.

  A few minutes later, candy delivered, Dale put his hand on the small of Sierra’s back—just like Steve, she thought—and led her through the movie theater to their show. He confirmed with her where she liked to sit in the movies and then led her to the middle of the auditorium in the middle row. The theater was only halfway full, as the movie had been out for a couple of weeks.

  As the movie began, Dale positioned his body so he was as close to Sierra as he could possibly be without invading her personal space. She didn’t mind; she felt warm and safe.

  The movie was a good one. It was a thriller-suspense and Sierra felt engaged from start to end, although the plot was nothing new. Man works for the CIA, somehow his family’s identity is compromised, and the rest of the movie is him trying to keep his family alive while finding out who compromised his position. There were a few moments where Sierra jumped because of the carnage or an explosion, and each time Dale was there to take her hand or put his arm around her shoulders as needed. All in all, she had to say, it was shaping up to be another pretty good date.

  She declined Dale’s invitation to eat dinner after the movie ended, explaining that she had eaten earlier, but she did agree to go somewhere for a drink or an appetizer.

  The place Dale chose was a well-known spot downtown that offered specialty appetizers and live jazz. They each ordered a glass of wine, and Dale ordered small crab cakes and bruschetta. He talked some more about his family and job, and then they both sat back and listened to the music for a while. It was nice.

  “Would you like to dance?”

  Sierra was startled by the question, as she had been so focused on the music and atmosphere that she’d lost herself for a minute. She didn’t particularly want to dance, but she looked over at Dale, who was already offering his hand, and decided that in the interest of fair play, she would give it a try.

  She allowed Dale to lead her to the dance floor as the band began to play a slow song. He held her in his arms and moved her gently around the floor. Sierra noted that being in his arms was nice. His touch was tender and nonthreatening, even as he held her close.

  After a few minutes, Dale pulled her closer and tightened his hold ever so slightly. Sierra wasn’t threatened by his move, but she didn’t like it. She knew that if she liked him more, then she would have found the move to be endearing—but as it stood, all she felt was just a little confused.

  The song ended, and Dale led her back to their table. They passed another hour full of conversation and laughter, and then mutually decided that it was time to go.

  Dale drove her home and walked her to the door. He took her keys and opened the door for her and then gave her a hug and kiss on the cheek. He smiled, and Sierra smiled too. He made sure she closed the door before he walked back to his car.

  As soon as she was alone inside her condo, Sierra sighed—not in longing but in frustration and confusion. Dale was really nice, and they had fun together. But Steve made her feel alive. Before today’s date, she’d thought she knew what decision to make, but now she wasn’t sure of anything. A thought occurred to her suddenly: I’ll pray about it.

  She realized that, lately, her prayer life had come alive in a way that it hadn’t been in a long time. This renewal had begun with the dreams, and more and more since that first dream, she’d found herself talking to God. Somet
imes the exchange was in traditional prayer form, but more often than not, she just had conversations with Him. She wanted peace in her life, and lately she had been asking Him about her purpose.

  It was through these talks that she’d decided to start painting again and to lighten her workload. Granted, what she heard back wasn’t a bellowing voice from the skies but an inner voice speaking back to her—one that sounded a lot like her own voice. But whatever this was, she felt better after she prayed. If praying could help with her dreams and decisions about work, it could certainly help her make a decision about whom to date.

  She pushed away from the front door and headed to the bedroom. She had promised her mom she would come to Sunday dinner that weekend, and the thought crossed her mind as she began to remove her clothes. Once again, she would have to mentally prepare. This time, she promised herself, she wouldn’t be baited into another argument with her brother, forgetting that the last time they were together there was no argument.

  When she was taking off her earrings, she heard her phone buzzing. When she looked at her phone, she realized that she actually had two texts. The first was from Dale, wishing her a good night. The second, from Steve, read, “Here’s hoping that you didn’t have as good a time with him as you did with me.” He then also wished her a good night.

  Sierra shook her head and texted them both good night, promising herself that she would make some decisions soon. She didn’t feel comfortable seeing them both, and she knew that if she let Steve know she was dating other people, she also had to let Dale know.

  But she didn’t want to think about it tonight. It was starting to make her feel a little stressed, and besides, she was exhausted. She finished getting ready for bed and then pulled back the covers and lay down. She was asleep before her head hit the pillow.

  Chapter 24

  When she woke up on Sunday morning, Sierra decided to again attend Sunday service at the church her mom had gone to for the last five years, and which Irene also attended. Even Ron went too sometimes.

  Sierra had to admit that she haad been impressed by the service the previous Sunday; she was willing to give this pastor, Pastor Miller, another shot. According to Sierra’s mom, Pastor Miller had managed to triple the size of the congregation in the ten years he had been senior pastor of the church.

  Sierra didn’t inform her mom and sister that she would attend the service. She wanted to sit in the congregation anonymously and be free to have her own experience without being under the watchful eye of her family. She knew they wanted her to join the church, but she didn’t feel ready for that yet.

  Sierra put on a black dress with sheer tights, a red blazer, and red boots. It was April now and she could get away with her lighter gray jacket.

  She arrived at the church ten minutes early, but the parking lot was already packed, as usual, and even in the large sanctuary—so big that a large screen hung above the pulpit so the people seated in the back could see what was happening up front—the seats were filling up fast. Sierra was lucky to find a seat in the fifth row.

  After the initial prayer and greeting came worship music. During this time, Sierra allowed herself to lift her hands and sing. She closed her eyes and could see the jail from her dreams. She remembered the women crying and singing, and tears began to sting her eyes. She took her hand and wiped the tears away, but continued to sing. Just as in the dream, her body swayed back and forth.

  The song was familiar. She didn’t know all the words, but she didn’t let that stop her—she just sang the chorus as it repeated itself. She kept her eyes closed and allowed herself to be carried out of the sanctuary and into another spiritual space. She felt different, but good. When the songs came to an end, she felt someone tap her shoulder; it was the usher, offering her a tissue. Sierra smiled and accepted with thanks.

  After one more song and the offering, Pastor Miller got up to preach. After praying, he informed everyone that most of the sermon would come from Hebrews and beckoned the audience to turn to Hebrews 11, starting at verse one.

  “‘Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.’ The Amplified Bible states that ‘Now faith is the assurance (the confirmation, the title deed) of things [we] do not see and the conviction of their reality [faith perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses].’ The title of this sermon is Faith, the Courageous Factor.”

  Amens were given throughout the congregation.

  “A lot of people associate faith with a type of feeling,” Pastor Miller continued. “When you say ‘faith’ to a lot of people, they conjure up images of different churches or denominations, and which one makes them comfortable. Usually, whatever religion they grew up with will be the one that they will relate to a faith that puts them at ease.” He looked out at the congregation. “I challenge you today to think about faith in a different way. I challenge you to think about faith in a way that might make you uncomfortable. I challenge you to think about faith in terms of truly believing in your dreams coming to pass, the dreams that have not yet manifested themselves in your life.”

  Sierra saw a few heads nodding around her.

  “I realize that if you’re here, on some level you may believe in the God whom you can’t see. But now I implore you to allow yourself to believe not only in that God but in the dreams that He placed in your heart. Believe that if He placed those dreams inside of you, He has the ability to allow you to see those dreams manifested in your life.” He leaned forward on the podium. “Now I know with life looking the way it does these days, it’s hard to even allow yourself to hope for the possibility of these things coming to pass. Your circumstances and fear have you in a chokehold, and you feel like you can’t breathe or go on sometimes, let alone dare yourself to hope. But that is what God expects of you. You have to believe and have faith in order for God to work in your life.”

  Sierra listened intently along with the rest of the wor-shippers. Pastor Miller’s words were reaching deep inside her.

  “I know it’s hard,” he went on. “It was hard for all the people who came before you. It was hard for our mothers and fathers to dream and for their mothers and fathers to dream of a better life. But they did dream, and not only that, they fought for those dreams to manifest themselves. They took courage—and faith—into their hands.”

  Pastor Miller went on to cite the rest of Chapters 11 and 12 of Hebrews, going down the list of people in the Bible who kept their faith in God’s promises even though every-thing in the natural world pointed to the opposite outcome, that negative outcome revealing itself.

  “And that’s what it’s going to take,” he said. “It’s going to take courage to believe in what you can’t see. It’s going to take faith and courage to get up and keep trying without any physical evidence that the next try will be any different from what you’ve already experienced. It’s going to take faith and courage to change your life and see a manifestation of your dreams. It’s going to take faith and courage to see a manifestation of your destiny, and difficulties will arise as you embark on this journey of faith. But just when it looks like it’s over, and life starts to get harder than it’s ever been, that’s when you’ll began to see the manifestation.”

  Pastor Miller slowly walked around the pulpit, addressing the left, right, and then middle pews as he gazed out at the congregation.

  “Life will change and continue to change in ways that you may not at the time understand. Some changes you’ll identify as good and some changes you’ll identify as bad, but I’ve come to let you know that all things work to the good of those who love the Lord and are called to His purpose. If you stay in faith, all things will work toward bringing you closer to the dream that God has placed in your heart. But, you have to do the work and be obedient to the direction that God is leading you in, and in order to even know what direction that is, you need to pray.”

  Sierra took in everything that the pastor said, and she felt exposed. It was as if he was talking directly
to her and her circumstances. For the second time that morning, she felt tears starting to come down her face. She immediately wiped them away with the tissue that she’d used earlier.

  She was unprepared for this amount of emotion and didn’t know what to do with all of these feelings. She sat through the rest of the sermon looking at the big screen instead of at the pulpit for fear of making eye contact with the pastor. She was sure that if she did, he would be able to see that he was talking about her.

  With every word of the sermon, Sierra felt that much more bare and raw. She sat as still as she could and tried to get herself under control.

  By the end of the sermon, everyone was excited, and they stood and clapped and raised their hands to God, thanking him for the message they’d just received. Sierra held herself still, not sure what to do. She felt a connection to not just the message but God Himself. She knew that He was speaking to her; she just wasn’t sure what He wanted her to do.

  Pastor Miller gave the invitation to come to Christ and join the church. Sierra felt something move in her spirit and almost got up and joined the others walking to the front of the church. But something else was holding her back. She didn’t know what. She allowed the time for the call to invitation to pass, and only relaxed when it did.

  As Sierra filed out of the church with everyone else, she knew that she looked like the same person who’d gone into the service—but she wasn’t. She knew enough about the word of God through her experiences in church as a child when she attended with her family, and from growing up under her God-fearing mother’s roof, to understand that once you knew the truth, you were responsible for knowing it and acting on it. But she still didn’t know if she was ready.

  Chapter 25

  Sierra got to her mom’s house a little after Irene and her family had already arrived. Ron opened the door for her, and after a quick “what’s up” he resumed his seat on the couch in the living room, where he was watching the NBA afternoon lineup with Irene’s husband, Jason. Jason got up to give her a hug, and then she headed into the kitchen.