Awaken

by Denese Shelton

  The kids, Irene, and Pearl were conversing, playing, and putting the finishing touches on Sunday dinner when Sierra came into the kitchen—but as soon as she walked in, the kids rushed over and she bent to give them hugs and kisses. They were always quite happy to see her and that made her feel good; she felt the same way.

  “How you doing?” Irene asked as she gave her a hug.

  “I’m good,” Sierra replied.

  Pearl grabbed her in a bear hug and kissed her.

  “Hey Mama,” Sierra greeted her, laughing. When her mom released her, she sat down at the kitchen table.

  They all did a lot of talking and laughing. Everyone seemed to be at ease and having fun. Sierra liked the way it felt.

  Irene looked at Sierra’s outfit. “Did you go to service this morning?”

  “Yes,” Sierra said. “I really enjoyed the sermon.”

  Irene frowned a little. “I wish you would have told us you were going.”

  “We could have sat together, like last time,” Pearl said, looking a little disappointed as well.

  But the two, surprisingly, didn’t linger on the subject. They moved on to other topics before Sierra could even respond.

  Sierra was taken aback that the subject was closed so quickly and that both her mom and sister seemed to accept her decision without any real argument—that is, until her mom presented her next question: “So . . . how have you and Dale been doing?”

  Her mom tried make the question sound benign, but Sierra wasn’t fooled. She found that she wasn’t angry, though, just amused. That was a different feeling for her.

  “We’ve been doing fine, I guess. We’re simply getting to know one another right now.”

  Pearl beamed a smile and looked as if she was going to move on until Irene said, “And are you and Steve getting to know each other too?”

  Sierra shot her sister a look that told her she didn’t appreciate the question, but Irene’s face held a smile and her eyes were warm, and Sierra knew she had no malicious intent, so she calmed her ruffled feathers and decided to try and not take herself so seriously. “Yes, I’m getting to know Steve too, and that’s the end of this conversation.”

  Sierra’s mom immediately chimed in. “Who on earth is Steve?”

  Sierra merely shook her head. She wasn’t talking.

  With amusement in her voice, Irene comforted their mom, saying, “Don’t worry about it, I’ll tell you later.”

  Sierra was positive that she would and felt no need thereafter to offer any explanation. She knew they would talk either way, so she decided to accept the situation for what it was and have a good time at this dinner.

  When dinner was finally ready, the family blessed the food and sat down to roast, potatoes, and carrots. Pearl encouraged Ron to talk about his new job at the cable company, which he was pretty happy with at the moment; Irene’s kids talked about school; and as the dinner continued, Sierra and her siblings began to talk about old times: playing kickball together, car trips down South to visit their now-deceased grandparents, and Christmases when they woke each other up and ran downstairs with excitement to see what gifts would be underneath the Christmas tree. They talked about their fights as well. And they all laughed and had a good time.

  The conversation reminded Sierra that although she’d had some pretty bad times in her childhood, she’d also had some very good times—and maybe, just maybe, the good outweighed the bad. She looked around at her family seated at the table and wondered what they would do if they knew what had happened to her. She wondered if they would treat her the same. Would they be angry that she never told? Would they have any reaction at all? Would they believe her? She didn’t really know, but for the first time, as she gazed around the table at her loved ones, she wanted them to know. She wanted them to know who she really was.

  Chapter 26

  Sierra opened her eyes to darkness. She paused for a couple of seconds and closed her eyes again. She then opened them back up and waited for them to adjust. Slowly looking to the right and to the left, she allowed the moon and the stars to illuminate the scene around her and help her to evaluate the situation.

  Cypress and willow trees were all about her. Her feet felt heavy and moist. She looked down and realized that she had on heavy boots that were covered in mud. She heard the sounds of different animals and insects moving close by. In the distance, she could see the outline of a large body of murky water. A swamp, she thought. I’m in a swamp.

  She remembered going to sleep after she left her mother’s house and surmised that she was dreaming now. She turned in a full circle to try and get a better understanding of what she was doing here, and just as she completed her turn, she felt movement from right behind her. Her heart jumped, and she put her hands up in a defensive stance as two women appeared from out of the darkness.

  She had never seen either woman before. They were both dressed as she was, with long, heavy skirts and head wraps and heavy material thrown around their shoulders to fight away the night’s chill.

  One of the women had a small child tied to her chest. “What’s wrong?” she asked. “Why have we stopped? Did you hear something?”

  Sierra looked at both women, trying to get a handle on what they were all doing in a swamp in the middle of the night. Both women looked at her expectantly. Sierra was becoming very familiar with the look: it said that Sierra knew the answers. It was the look people always gave her in her dreams. She was finally beginning to believe they were right in trusting her to know the answers.

  “You know they’re right on our trail,” the other woman said. “That’s what you said. You said we just had to keep going north and follow that star.”

  Sierra looked in the sky where the woman was pointing and saw the star, the same star from a dream she’d had before. Only in the last dream she had been alone and had felt all alone. Looking back at the women again, she finally put the pieces together. They were runaway slaves and someone was looking for them.

  “You said there was no turning back,” the one with the child said. “He’s going to sale, my baby. And you said that he was going to keep on raping you if we didn’t go right now.”

  That last part got Sierra’s attention.

  “Are you okay?” the other woman asked.

  Sierra looked again at the sky and the stars. She then looked over at the women waiting for her to lead. She turned in the direction of the star and with determined steps moved forward into the night.

  Chapter 27

  Dear Diary,

  Things were going great. I had dinner with the family two Sundays in a row, and they were good days. There was very little fighting. We got along. I closed on two houses, including Steve’s house. I’ve been painting and that has brought a newfound joy into my life that had been missing for some time. My love life has even taken off. I currently have two men interested in me, and although the idea of this fills me with some anxiety, ultimately I’m having some fun.

  The thing is, I thought I could just move forward with my life and not go back to the emotions that were riled up in my last therapy session. I had no real bad feelings or thoughts since then and was even thinking that somehow I had forgotten a lot of the horrible details of those events over the years. I thought that maybe, now that I’m desensitized, I could possibly share this with my family. I really thought I would be able to move on . . .

  Sierra put the journal down on the table. She felt a headache coming on even thinking about the memories that had plagued her since Sunday. This was Wednesday, and almost two weeks had passed since she’d last seen Dr. Cayden. She still didn’t feel ready to continue the conversation about the sexual abuse.

  She got up from the couch and walked to the window. She looked out at the night sky and watched the moon and stars work together to light the night. Everything worked together so perfectly. The world was in sync. But her mind had once again become chaos.

  Sierra could still remember the first time. She closed her eyes and could smel
l the lingering aroma of the cigarette smoke. The living room was covered with brown and yellow wallpaper. A velvet picture hanging depicted a beautiful young black woman in a flowing yellow dress. An air conditioner held the window open, blowing out cool air and emitting a loud buzzing sound. The couch was a plaid mix of yellow and beige. The record player was playing a popular R&B tune.

  Diana’s mom had gone out to the store and left Wayne in charge. Even at the young age of five, Sierra was aware of his eyes following her around the room, and she knew something about his gaze wasn’t right; it made her uneasy. She tried to focus on the games that she and Diana were playing on the living room floor, but Wayne sat down with them and began to play too. He tickled his cousin playfully, and then he tickled Sierra.

  His face held laughter as he watched Sierra laugh and playfully try to move out of his grasp. His hands grazed her behind and it made her feel strange, but everyone was still joking and laughing so she let the uncomfortable feeling subside. Her friend Diana was there; nothing bad could happen with her friend there, could it?

  Diana’s mother was gone less than thirty minutes. Diana was having a good time. Sierra was having a good time with her friend. Wayne went and got them freeze pops from the freezer and used his teeth to open the treats. He gave his cousin the red one and then watched as Sierra ate the top piece off the orange one, smiling in a weird way. Sierra took her freeze pop and went and stood next to Diana.

  When she was done with her freeze pop, Diana got up to use the bathroom, and Wayne, who was now on the couch, beckoned Sierra to sit on his lap. Something in Sierra’s spirit felt uneasy at his invitation, but he was in charge. No one else was there. She slowly walked to the couch and allowed herself to be lifted onto his lap. When she was seated, she instantly felt something hard and uncomfortable underneath her. She wiggled to try and move away from the object that was poking her, but that only seemed to make it worse.

  Sierra tried to get down off Wayne’s lap, but he wouldn’t let her get down, and the more she struggled the more he laughed and held her tighter and closer to him. Sierra began to whimper, starting to panic.

  “Shh,” Wayne said. “Don’t worry. I’m almost done.”

  Sierra continued to struggle anyway, and then Diana came around the corner. Wayne let her go, and then he got up and left the room.

  Sierra moved away from her window in her home. She knew that she wasn’t over it—but she now knew that she definitely wanted to be. She had a feeling that whatever power these memories had over her was holding her back. She sat back down on her couch, and as she picked her journal up once more, she made the decision that she would keep her appointment with Dr. Cayden this Friday.

  Chapter 28

  Sierra arrived in the reception area of Dr. Cayden’s office on time, and instead of immediately ushering her into the office, as she had in the past, Gail directed her to a seat in the waiting room.

  “Dr. Cayden is still finishing up her last appointment,” she explained. “But they’ll be done any minute.”

  Sierra picked up a magazine promising cooking and gardening tips and browsed through it, not really concentrating or seeing the pages but using it to look occupied. Her leg bounced up and down with nervousness. Her palms were sweaty; she wiped them off on her black dress pants so they wouldn’t stick to the pages of the magazine.

  Gail was just as friendly as she always was as she answered phone calls and took messages. Bored with the magazine, Sierra listened to her and looked around the waiting room, assessing the décor. It was exactly what a typical doctor’s office looked like: It had drab beige walls and one row of standard black chairs that were steel with cushioned seats. There was a coffee table filled with magazines, a coffee maker with cups beside it, and a water cooler.

  “Are you comfortable?” Gail called over from behind her desk. “Do you need anything?”

  “I’m okay,” Sierra said. She knew she wasn’t okay. But Gail certainly could do nothing to ease that discomfort, so no need to bother her with her woes.

  After less than ten minutes, Dr. Cayden’s door opened up and a young woman who appeared to be in her early twenties walked out. She was dressed very casually, in sweatpants and a long-sleeved T-shirt. Dr. Cayden sent her over to Gail’s desk, then turned her attention to Sierra, smiled, and waved her hand as an invitation for Sierra to enter her office.

  “Sierra, it’s good to see you. I’m glad you decided to return.”

  “Thanks,” Sierra said, feeling a little guilty. “I’m sorry I had to cancel my appointments before.”

  “That’s fine. I understand work obligations. How is work going for you?”

  “It’s good. I sold two more houses and picked up a few more clients through referrals.” Sierra was happy to talk about work this session. The subject was safe and nonthreatening— well, usually.

  Dr. Cayden smiled. “Congratulations! And how’s everything else?”

  “Everything else is going pretty well. I decided to start painting again and it feels good. I also have been spending more time with my family, and we actually seem to be getting along pretty well, so . . .”

  “That’s all very good! I’m happy to hear it.”

  Dr. Cayden made no notes and was very warm and pleasant now. Sierra’s tension eased, and she loosened up. She shared the details of her family dinner on Sunday and even began to open up about her dates with Dale.

  “Dating sounds healthy,” Dr. Cayden said. “Do you like Dale?”

  Sierra shrugged, as she always did. “What’s not to like?”

  “That’s not really saying whether you like him or not . . .”

  Sierra realized that she was going to have to talk, really talk, in order to make any progress. She couldn’t yet understand why she felt so apprehensive about talking about her love life with anyone, but she was beginning to realize that there was no real way around it.

  “The thing is . . . The thing is, there’s this other guy.”

  “Aha, and tell me about him.”

  Sierra told Dr. Cayden how she’d met Steve, and she tried to explain her feelings about him—how she felt both relaxed and uncomfortable around him, how she felt as if maybe she had known him before, in another life. Something about him was so familiar. She described how she thought about him all the time, even when she tried her hardest not to.

  “Why would you not want to like him?” Dr. Cayden asked. “Are you afraid of something?”

  Sierra threw her hands up in frustration. “That’s just it. I don’t know. I think he does scare me. I just feel as if I have no control over the situation.”

  “Maybe that’s what scares you.”

  “Maybe.” Sierra nodded.

  “Sierra, can I ask you something?”

  Sierra nodded again, wondering why she would suddenly ask this now, when she hadn’t asked it ever before.

  “What’s the worst thing that could happen if you trusted your feelings and allowed yourself to like Steve completely?”

  Sierra put her head in her hands and rocked back and forth for a few seconds, unexpectedly distressed by the question. After several minutes, she quietly answered, “I guess the worst thing that could happen would be that he leaves me. That he’ll get to know me and won’t really like who I am. But by then, I’ll like him so much that his leaving will crush me.”

  Dr. Cayden nodded and made a note. “You think that you wouldn’t be able to survive that?”

  Once again, Sierra shrugged. “I probably could, but what’s the point of opening yourself up to that kind of hurt?”

  “In order to open yourself up to joy and happiness, you have to open yourself up to the possibility of hurt and have faith and confidence that if—and that’s an if—that hurt comes, you’ll be strong enough to get through it.”

  Sierra was silent again, taking in the doctor’s words, and Dr. Cayden allowed her that space. After several minutes, she very carefully introduced the next topic.

  “You know that I have to as
k you about the sexual abuse that we began to talk about on the last visit. I told you we would come back to it, and I know that it makes you uncomfortable. Nevertheless, I think it’s important for your growth that we address it.”

  Sierra, with her head down again, nodded in confirmation of the doctor’s words. She’d known that it would come back to this. She even knew that this was why she had even showed up to the appointment today. The time had come to talk about it, whether she wanted to or not.

  “I asked you before how, if you never told anyone, the abuse stopped. Can you answer that question for me now?”

  Sierra nodded. “He was a star athlete, and he got a foot-ball scholarship to a school out of state. After he left, it never happened again.”

  “And why did you never tell your parents, or your family, or any of your friends?”

  Sierra, still not looking up, spoke in a monotone, the words flowing out like water through a faucet. “I was scared to tell, because he told me he would hurt my family and because he told me that my parents wouldn’t believe me, that it was my fault because I let him.”

  “How old were you when this happened?”

  “About five or six.”

  “And how long did this go on?”

  “For about a year.” Sierra felt relief in the release of this trauma that she’d never talked about until now. It was hurting her, and it felt shameful, but it also felt good, like a cleansing.

  “And do you think that a child that age is ever at fault if someone who is older, bigger, and stronger than she is manipulates her into sexual abuse?”

  Sierra could feel the tears start to form again, but she said nothing.

  “Sierra, you were a little girl, and he manipulated you. Can you understand that it was manipulation? Do you understand that it wasn’t your fault?”