Awaken

by Denese Shelton

  “We needed to teach you—we needed to show you who you are,” Miss Patty said, patting Sierra’s hand. “We needed to show you your strength, because you had forgotten. We needed to show you your faith, because you couldn’t see it. We needed to show you these things, so we showed you who you are in your dreams.”

  “You were never weak,” Mary went on, smiling. “You were always strong. You were always capable of amazing things, and you accomplished many of them before now, but we needed to show you how much more infinitely powerful you would be if you let fear go. We needed to help you see who you could be if you allowed yourself to flow in the spirit that already lives inside of you, to trust that.”

  Tears flowed down Sierra’s cheeks as she began to understand. The two women rested their heads on her shoulders, and her body shook as she wept.

  Miss Patty wiped the tears from Sierra’s face. “Close your eyes so that you can see,” she whispered.

  Sierra slowly closed her eyes, and darkness was all around her. And then she saw it. She was back in Diana’s room on the night when Wayne had tried to take her out of the bed. She was a child. The fear and terror from that night became real again. But this time, she could still feel Mary and Miss Patty holding her hands. She held on to that warmth, taking security from it.

  As Wayne entered the room, the light from the open door pierced Sierra’s eyes, just as it had before. He rounded the bed and pulled the covers a little way off of Sierra’s body, beckoning her to come along quietly while he put his finger to his lips as a sign to remain quiet. Diana stirred in her sleep, but didn’t wake up.

  Sierra felt scared, and she didn’t want to get up. She held on to her friend. Wayne began to tug harder. Sierra held on tighter. She was crying now and praying in her head, asking God to help her.

  Sierra’s adult self recalled that it was around this time that Wayne started to get frustrated and make angry gestures because he couldn’t get her out of the bed. She had always thought that her resistance to him that night had been born of her own strength. She’d thought that she was alone. That God had abandoned her. She remembered that feeling. Both the child and the adult Sierra wept harder.

  Suddenly, a light shone from above Sierra’s head. She could see Miss Patty and Mary in the room with her. Translucent and dressed in robes, they both had an ethereal glow. They were at once floating above her and lying right next to her on the bed.

  Mary held her hand against Sierra’s right hand, which was holding on to Diana. Sierra could feel the strength radiating through that connection. Meanwhile, Miss Patty grabbed Wayne’s hand—the hand that was trying so desperately to pull Sierra out of bed—and Sierra could see that she was weakening his hold. He looked up, frightened, and seemed to see Miss Patty there. The sight frightened him enough to want to let go.

  Sierra’s eyes flew open. She was back on the couch in Miss Patty’s living room. Miss Patty and Mary were still holding her hand.

  “It was you two. You were there?”

  They nodded in unison.

  “We are always there,” Mary said. “God never abandoned you.”

  Sierra let their hands go. She couldn’t accept that. Too many bad things had happened. Why had they done nothing the other times this happened? Why had they continued to allow bad things to happen to her at other times in her life? She felt hurt and confused.

  “Even when bad things have happened in your life, we have still always been there, helping,” Miss Patty said. “That’s why we wanted you to see this, so that you could understand when you ask for help, you have it.”

  “And even when you don’t ask for help, help is always there,” Mary said. “It might not necessarily come directly from us. It might come from the people you have around you. But you are never alone.”

  “You ask us where were we when the bad things happened,” Miss Patty said. “The answer is, we were with you, helping to prevent those bad things from becoming worse. You have no idea the trouble we block and move away from you every day.”

  “You might not always feel us,” Mary said. “You might not always understand. But we are always with you. You are never alone.”

  Sierra shook her head in confusion once again, but even as she did, she sensed some clarity in her spirit.

  Mary and Miss Patty looked at her with warmth. Sierra looked down, and she saw that once again, her hands were in theirs. She hadn’t realized they had rejoined their hands.

  And then it was happening again—the room was getting darker, and Sierra was floating.

  This time, when she opened her eyes, she was in her own bedroom. Her pillow was wet with her tears. She lay there for a long time, her heart clear with understanding, her mind murky with confusion.

  Chapter 37

  As Sierra locked her car and walked the short way to Dr. Cayden’s office, she breathed in a long, glorious breath of summer air. Milwaukee in June didn’t always mean sunshine and warm breezes, but today that was exactly what the weather was offering her. She paused just outside of the doctor’s building and noticed the foliage on the trees coming alive in healthy green hues. The manicured patch of grass surrounding the tree had also succumbed to the jade tone that pronounced that summer was upon the city.

  The sidewalk, once enveloped in muddy snow, now gleamed in readiness for the heavy traffic of feet that the summer festivals downtown and on the lakefront would attract. Sierra smiled as she recognized the signs of a new beginning for the earth. The sun kissed her face, and she knew that this was her new beginning as well.

  She hadn’t been back to see Dr. Cayden since having the epiphany about her molestation. A little over a month had passed since then. It had taken Sierra a while to have the talk with her family, but now she would finally be able to report progress.

  Sierra entered the building and stepped on the elevator, feeling good about her place in the world and how well the encounter with her family had gone. Her revelation and its aftermath had gone better than anything she could have asked for. The support she’d received from her family was amazing.

  Sierra stepped off the elevator and said hi to Gail, who smiled and waved her to a seat.

  “Dr. Cayden will be right with you,” she said cheerily.

  Sierra remembered how she’d thought no way did this woman have any troubles and smirked to herself now, realizing how very wrong she could be. Just a few months ago, strangers would have envied her and thought that she had it all together, too. The truth was that you just never know.

  The doctor’s door opened, and Dr. Cayden welcomed Sierra with a smile. “Come on in, Sierra,” she said, waving her over.

  Today, Dr. Cayden was wearing a black pencil skirt and a white cotton top. Her hair was in its usual knot. Some things were changing while others stayed the same. That’s life.

  Sierra walked to the couch and took a seat without being asked.

  Dr. Cayden closed the door and settled into her own chair before asking, “So, how have you been?”

  Sierra exhaled and then breathed in again, not with anxiety but with the joy of embracing the precious minutes of life. “I’ve been really good.”

  Dr. Cayden nodded. “I can see that. You have a glow about you. Tell me more.”

  “I feel, for the first time in a long time, like I’m free. Not only free—I feel I know myself in a way that I didn’t before. I feel I know my family in a way that I didn’t before, and it all feels very good.”

  “So, I take it you’ve spoken to your family about the abuse.”

  “Yes, I did.”

  “And what was their reaction?”

  “They were sad because they didn’t know and I didn’t tell them. They were hurt because they weren’t there to help. But mostly they were sad because it happened to me.”

  Dr. Cayden nodded again. “And do you feel that they support you?”

  Sierra smiled. “I know that they do. I now know that no matter what, they always do. My mom even wanted to try and press charges, but the statute of li
mitations was already up. And then she started looking for him anyway, and it turns out he died about five years ago. Apparently he had a heart attack.”

  Dr. Cayden’s eyebrow lifted slightly. “How did it make you feel when you learned that he had died?”

  “I honestly didn’t feel too much of anything. I mean, I really hope that he didn’t hurt anyone else, but he’s dead now. I think anger would be a wasted emotion. It’s over. I survived, so I win.”

  “And having your family’s support, how does that make you feel?”

  “It makes me feel wonderful. It makes me feel loved. It makes me feel cared for.”

  Dr. Cayden smiled. “I’m glad to hear that.”

  Sierra smiled back. “Me too.”

  “And the dreams, what about the dreams? Have you had any more dreams lately?”

  Sierra’s serenity faded just a little, as she was still somewhat shaken from the last dream. She’d come to better terms with it in the last several days, but she still had so many questions. She wondered if Mary and Miss Patty were her “assigned angels.” Even having heard the explanations they offered, she wondered why, if they were really angels, they hadn’t protected her from everything that had hurt her. She also wondered if John was an angel. Needless to say, she hadn’t quite worked everything out in her mind yet and didn’t know if she ever would. But she wasn’t sure she needed to. She just knew that she was happy in this moment and that was how she wanted to take life going forward: moment to moment.

  “Well, I’ve had dreams,” she finally said, “but I feel that they don’t overwhelm me now. They just make me think.”

  “Can you tell me about these last dreams you’ve had?”

  Sierra had thought that today would be a day of good reflections and revelations; she hadn’t thought that she would have to delve into her bizarre subconscious again. But now she recognized that she needed to. Doing otherwise would just be an affirmation that she was a slave to her fear.

  So, once again, she launched into her dream world, starting with the fire at the church and ending with the last dream, where Mary and Miss Patty revealed themselves as angels. Just as before, Dr. Cayden held on to her poker face, never divulging any change in emotion.

  “Well,” she said when Sierra was done, “I would say that these dreams, although different in some ways, still suggest the themes that were in most of the other dreams.”

  “Yeah, and what themes are those?”

  “They all say that you’re not alone, that you have support all around you. They also communicate the idea that you’re strong, and that you’re necessary. Would you agree with that?”

  Sierra nodded. “Yes, I was thinking the same thing.”

  “You told me before that you believe in God.”

  “Yes, I do,” Sierra said emphatically.

  “Perhaps the angels and that part of the dream are a reflection of your spiritual beliefs.”

  “Perhaps.” Sierra wasn’t convinced.

  “You know, Sierra, when you first came in here, you were overloaded with secrets and guilt. You weren’t able to sleep at night, or you would sleep too much, which I think was a sign that you were depressed. You started to have these dreams that actually forced you to take a long, hard look at yourself and to deal with the issues that you hid deep inside.”

  Everything Dr. Cayden was saying was true. Sierra had been quite a mess when she first came in.

  “If nothing else, I would say that we can thank the dreams for forcing your hand, for waking you up, right?”

  Sierra smiled. “Yeah, I’m awake now—every day I’m awake.”

  “Good,” Dr. Cayden said. “I think we all should be.”

  Chapter 38

  Steam floated from the top of the large pot resting on low temperature on her mother’s stove. The steam danced harmoniously with the smell of the seafood gumbo, making Sierra’s stomach growl. She was ready for some good eating.

  She was sitting at the kitchen table, listening with amusement as her mom and sister interrogated Steve again. He’d met the entire family a couple of weeks before—on a Sunday similar to this one. At his insistence, he had gone to church with her. Steve actually belonged to a different church but wanted to experience her church service that Sunday. He and Sierra sat separately from her family on that day, giving him a reprieve until the actual meeting, scheduled to take place at her mom’s house after the service. In retrospect, though, Sierra realized that the reprieve had been more for her than for him. Steve had no problem answering any question that was posed.

  And boy, did her family probe. As soon as Sierra and Steve walked through the door that first Sunday, Jason and Ron had stood there with their arms folded and frowns on their faces, looking like members of the mafia.

  Steve hadn’t reacted. He simply answered their questions, calmly and politely, and then let himself be ushered to sit on the couch while Irene’s kids used him as a human trampoline. After a while, he had been summoned into the kitchen, where the interrogation had continued. All day he had smiled and answered—or refrained from answering, when the questions became too personal—without losing his cool. All in all, Sierra had been impressed. Based on that performance, she would have continued their relationship even if her family hadn’t approved. Happily, though, they did.

  Now Steve was back for a second round. Her mom and Irene had let up for the moment, and now he was going back and forth with Ron over who the best basketball player of all time was. Ron gave the title to Lebron James, while Steve insisted it belonged to Michael Jordan.

  She was glad that her family actually liked and accepted Steve. She felt better about that than she cared to admit. Everyone she loved was in the same room, talking and sharing, spooning heaps of delicious gumbo into their bowls over rice.

  Right in the middle of bringing a spoonful of tasty shrimp and roux into her mouth, Sierra realized that when she thought about everyone she loved, she was looking at Steve.

  She loved Steve. Just for a moment, the thought paralyzed her with fear. Then Steve turned to her and smiled, giving her the look he always had when he looked at her: like she was the woman of his dreams. With that, Sierra relaxed. She knew that look, and she knew he loved her too, because he had already said so.

  Sierra looked back at him with an expression that matched his. He was, after all, the man of her dreams.

  Chapter 39

  Sierra looked around the art exhibit displaying all she’d done in the last year. She couldn’t believe that she’d gotten the opportunity to do something like this. This was her show, with her paintings. All of her family was here. Stefani, Steve, and Sierra’s students from the community center were all here too.

  Several months before, she’d been at the center working with the children when an owner of a gallery downtown had come in to talk to the children. She had noticed one of Sierra’s paintings on the back wall—a rendering of a beautiful bird flying away into a blue, clear, and limitless sky.

  It was the painting Sierra had started working on the day after her revelation in Dr. Cayden’s office. It was her interpretation of freedom. When Steve had finally seen it, he had been so moved he’d told her other people needed to see it. That had sparked a conversation about how she came up with the painting and what it meant to her. That day was the day Sierra shared her past with Steve, and even some of her dreams and her sessions with Dr. Cayden. Steve had been glad she’d trusted him enough to share, and he’d opened up about hurts in his past in turn. In the end, their disclosures had brought them even closer together.

  “This painting is amazing, and I think it might inspire the students at the center,” Steve had concluded.

  That was how it had ended up at the community center—and when the gallery owner saw it, she was moved as well. When she discovered that it was Sierra’s painting, she wanted to see more of her work . . . and now, months later, this show was the result of her interest.

  A hand coming around her waist and holding her close brought
Sierra back to the present. She didn’t have to turn around to know who it was. She knew her love’s embrace.

  “How you doing?” Steve whispered softly in her ear.

  Sierra placed her hand over his so they moved even closer together. “I’m wonderful.”

  “Good. Listen, come with me for a second. I have some-thing for you.”

  Without hesitation, Sierra took his hand and allowed him to lead her to a room in the back of the gallery where they could be alone.

  As they closed the door, Steve took her hands and brought them to his lips. “You know I love you, right?”

  Sierra removed one hand from his grasp and gently caressed his face. “I do know. I love you too.”

  Steve smiled into her eyes. “Close your eyes.”

  Sierra obeyed, smiled, and waited.

  She felt Steve’s hands lightly brushing her neck, and déjà vu struck her like a ton of bricks. She felt her body begin to tremble as he finished attaching the clasp on her neck.

  “Okay, now open your eyes.”

  Sierra slowly opened her eyes and looked down. Draped around her neck was a golden heart—the same heart pendant from her dream. But that was only a dream, wasn’t it? She began to breathe slowly to keep from passing out. Even with her efforts, her body swayed just a little.

  Steve held her steady, a concerned expression on his face. “Are you okay?” he asked, drawing her into his body.

  Sierra stepped back and looked at Steve, and all the love she felt for him and from him radiated between them. He would never leave her. He would do anything for her. He loved her.

  “I’m better than okay,” she said. “I have joy and I’m happy.”

  Acknowledgments

  I would like to thank God for everything, including my life and for the inspiration to write Awaken. Thank you to everyone who lent their knowledge and expertise to this book. I would also like to thank my family, friends, and everyone who encourages and supports my writing.