Awaken

by Denese Shelton

  For so many years, Sierra thought that she had continually asked God for help and He had abandoned her. After that night, she had been angry with God, and had isolated herself from family and friends. She figured no one had helped her then, and since she, alone, was the one who had gotten Wayne to stop, she could only rely on herself. And she had, for all of these years.

  Sierra put her head in her hands, pondering the possibility that she had never been alone after all—that some of the isolation, fear, and anger she felt might have been self-inflicted. She shook her head, still not fully knowing what to think. If God hadn’t abandoned her, maybe she had abandoned Him.

  If her dream was true, where did she go from here?

  Chapter 34

  The weather was milder that Sunday, and so was Sierra’s disposition. She had made plans with her family to have Sunday dinner at her mom’s house, as usual, but with one caveat: she had requested that no children be present, because she had something personal to discuss with her mom, Irene, and Ron.

  To her surprise, no one had made a fuss; Jason had agreed to keep the kids that Sunday and do some fun activities with them, and the rest of her family had seemed eager to see what the announcement was, as sharing anything personal was not in Sierra’s nature. Sierra’s mom was hoping that this would perhaps be an announcement of a pending engagement, but Irene tempered her mom’s enthusiasm by reminding her that it would be a little early for that, regardless of who Sierra was currently dating.

  Sierra made her way to church early, guaranteeing herself a seat in the sanctuary. She again decided against telling her family that she was coming to service; she was making great strides in her relationship with God, and she could take in information better when she felt she wasn’t being watched. She knew that her family was eager for her to become a member of the church, and she was moving in that direction, but it would have to happen on her own timeline.

  Sierra settled into the section she’d occupied on her last visit. The view was perfect: not too close and not too far.

  The service progressed in a normal fashion. First came music and worship, followed by offering and the announcements. Finally, the pastor, dressed in a simple black suit with a crisp white shirt, took the pulpit.

  He began the sermon by having the congregation once again stand and pray. Then he explained that today he would be talking about faith’s opposition—fear. He asked the congregation to turn to II Timothy 1:7.

  “The scripture reads thusly,” Pastor Miller said. “‘For God hath not given us the spirit of fear: but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.’ Today, we address fear and how if we allow it to run our lives, it can destroy not only our hopes and our dreams but even the success in the lives we are currently living. We have talked about faith and the importance of living our lives every day by faith, but we must also acknowledge that faith cannot work together with fear. We all make a decision to live in one or the other. And it is a decision that we wake up and make every single day.” He looked out at the congregation, his gaze searching. “God has made promises to you about how life will be if you keep his commandments and stand on his word. He teaches us to trust in Him and His word and to not trust in what we see. He promises that if we can do that, then everything will work out for our good. Fear, on the other hand, does something entirely different. Fear paralyzes you from taking any action. Fear takes control of your life and causes you to live a life that’s less than. Fear causes you sleepless nights, poor health, and eventually death. The choice is simple. Choose life. Choose faith.”

  Pastor Miller went on to talk about the importance of prayer and asking for help from the Lord, quoting Psalm 23:4 and Psalm 91, among other scriptures.

  As Sierra sat and listened, she felt moved once again by his words and how he seemed to be ministering directly to her. By the end of the sermon, she could feel tears welling up in her eyes. She opened her purse and took out some tissues that she now kept stored there. Over the past few months, she’d gone from someone who never showed emotion to someone who regularly let her emotions go. She felt liberty in being that kind of person.

  Soon, the pastor was once again figuratively “opening the doors of the church” and calling people forward who wanted to receive Christ as their personal savior or join the church. Sierra felt a pressing in her spirit that was propelling her to get up and walk to the front of the church. She’d felt it the last time she was there but hadn’t followed the feeling; she hadn’t wanted to get up and have to walk in front of everybody, including members of her family.

  It’s not that I’m ashamed, she thought. It’s just that I’m . . . I’m . . .

  And then she knew: the word she was looking for was “afraid.” As she realized that fear was what was holding her back, she felt her body stand as if of its own volition. Immediately the people around her offered their encouragement, clapping and cheering her on. Sierra grabbed her purse and headed to the front of the church. The cheering got louder and louder as she got closer and closer to the pulpit.

  Two other people from the congregation—a young mother carrying her baby and an older gentleman—had also accepted Pastor Miller’s invitation and were already standing in the front of the church ahead of Sierra. As she approached them, she felt braver and braver. She wasn’t alone. Everyone was smiling and encouraging her. She felt good. She was almost there.

  As she walked the last five feet, she felt someone on her left take her hand. She turned her head and found her mother standing next to her. She looked at her and smiled, and the tears in her mother’s eyes mirrored the tears in her own eyes.

  She then felt someone take her right hand. She knew before looking that it would be Irene, and it was.

  Sierra was two feet away from the front of the church now, and she had her sister on one side and her mom on the other, holding tightly to her hand.

  And then there she was, at the front of the church—and just as her mom and sister let go of her hand to stand behind her in support, she felt a third hand on her back. It was Ron, visibly trying to hold back tears. All three of them encompassed Sierra in a hug of support, even as she could still hear the rest of the congregation applauding in the background. They embraced Sierra so tight she had trouble breathing, but she didn’t mind.

  “Will the three brave people who have come to the front please lift their hands to God?” Pastor Miller boomed from the pulpit.

  The arms that held her so tightly let go, and Pearl, Irene, and Ron stood behind Sierra while she told the Lord that she believed in Him and was this day giving her life to Him.

  I’m home, Sierra thought as she made her promise. Today was a day of reunion—with her family and with her faith. She was healing and all the broken pieces in her life were coming together.

  Chapter 35

  After church, Sierra, Pearl, Irene, and Ron headed back to Pearl’s house, as was the original plan. When they arrived, Sierra found that her mom already had a turkey prepared, along with some dressing and greens, so all she had to do was heat the food up. That’s my mom, she thought appreciatively. Always prepared.

  Pearl put the food on the stovetop and in the oven to warm as soon as they walked into the house, and then she and Ron left Sierra and Irene to their own devices while they went into their respective bedrooms to change clothes. The sisters settled in on the couch in the living room to wait.

  The whole house already smelled like apple pie, which was what their mom had made for dessert. The smells reminded Sierra of her dream at Miss Patty’s, which reminded her of her mom’s house, and she laughed at the confusing thought.

  As Irene grabbed the remote and began to search for something to watch, she noticed Sierra’s chuckle. “What’s so funny?”

  Sierra only shook her head and said nothing.

  Irene smiled and shrugged, and they sat there in comfortable silence.

  Soon, Ron and Pearl emerged from their rooms. Pearl immediately went to the kitchen to tend to the food, while Ron seated hims
elf on the lounge chair next to the couch.

  “Can you turn it to the game?” he asked, gesturing toward the TV.

  Irene and Sierra looked at each other and smiled, and Irene switched to the sports channel. They didn’t mind at all.

  The whole scene reminded Sierra of the times they would all gather in the living room with popcorn and soda when her dad was alive. Back then, he had always taken his seat in “his chair” to watch the game. Now Ron was the one in the chair.

  All three watched the game in silence for a few minutes. The Bucks weren’t playing, but two good teams known for their superstars were. It would be a good game.

  Pearl entered the living room and sat down with a winded sigh. “Dinner will be ready in about ten minutes or so. I put some rolls in the oven and am heating up the food.”

  They all turned to her with smiles of acknowledgment.

  “It smells really good, Mom,” Ron said.

  Their relationship had become more and more amicable since Ron was working, and Ron had already made a six-month plan to move out and into his own apartment. Sierra was proud of him; it seemed like he was finally growing up.

  “Sierra, I was so happy to see you join the church today, it really blessed me,” Pearl said, threatening tears once again.

  “I’m happy too, Mom,” Sierra said.

  They all then looked at Sierra expectantly. It had been her idea to have dinner with just them, after all. Sierra realized that now was as good a time as any. She picked up the remote where it lay beside Irene and turned the television off. She took one more breath for bravery, then plunged in.

  “Look, you guys, I wanted just you here today to tell you about something that happened to me a long time ago. It may be part of the reason that I’ve been having those bizarre dreams.” She shrugged. “Anyway, you all probably know by now that I’ve been seeing someone, a therapist. I imagine if I haven’t personally told you that certainly you’ve been discussing it amongst yourselves.”

  Ron, Irene, and Pearl looked at each other knowingly and didn’t deny it.

  “Well, we had what was kind of a breakthrough a couple of weeks ago, and she thought it would be a good idea if I discussed what happened to me with you guys.”

  They all continued to look at Sierra with concern, but also encouragement, in their eyes.

  “Whatever it is, we’re listening, baby,” Pearl said, and Ron and Irene nodded in agreement.

  Sierra took a deep breath, knowing she needed to get right to the point. It would be easier that way, like ripping off a Band-Aid. “Well,” she said matter-of-factly, “when I was younger, I was molested.”

  Everyone’s faces registered shock and alarm.

  “By who?” Irene was the first to speak.

  “It was Diana’s cousin that used to live with them. You remember, Mom. She used to be my best friend.”

  Sierra’s mom nodded in remembrance, a pained look on her face. “When you two were friends, you couldn’t have been more than five or six years old,” she recollected.

  Sierra nodded. “You’re right, I was no older than that.”

  Tears fell steadily down Pearl’s face. She grabbed Sierra’s hands. “Why didn’t you tell me? Don’t you know I would have moved heaven and earth to protect you? I still would.”

  Sierra put her hands over her mother’s, trying to comfort her. “I know that you would have. I didn’t know why I never said anything, but I’ve come to realize lately that it was because I was ashamed, and I thought that somehow it was my fault. I mean, I kept going over there. I never told you.”

  Simultaneously, they all jumped to deny that it could have possibly been her fault. Once again, she was moved by their support and felt her own tears forming.

  “I know that now. I guess I was just scared and ashamed. Once it happened the first time and I didn’t say anything, the shame built up so much inside I thought no one would believe that I didn’t want him to do it—because I didn’t tell after the first time. I mean, it didn’t help that he drilled that very fact into me. He made me believe that it was my fault.”

  “But you know now, I mean you really know now, that it wasn’t your fault, right?” Irene said.

  “Yes, I know that now.”

  “Listen, if you’re okay with it, I would like to know when this all started and how long it went on,” Pearl said slowly, obviously not wanting to hurt Sierra any further but needing to know.

  “Yeah, that’s okay,” Sierra said. “That’s why I asked to have this dinner with you guys, so we could talk about it and so it will no longer be my secret, eating away at me. It seems the more I talk about it, the less power it has over me.”

  And so Sierra started from the beginning, revealing the first time to the last. She shared that it went on for about a year. She paused at the parts that were graphic, not sure how much she wanted to reveal in front of Ron, or any of them, for that matter. But she was as honest as she could be. She answered their questions as they came, and they all sat and talked and cried together.

  Pearl kept apologizing and saying that she felt as though it was all her fault. She wanted to try and do something to make it up to her. She assured Sierra that she would look into the matter. “I want to see that boy prosecuted to the full extent of the law,” she said.

  Sierra shook her head. “I don’t need you to do that, Mama,” she said. “I’m over it now—or at least, I’m in the process of being over it. All I want to do is to try and live my best life right now. I don’t want to have to go to court and relive every-thing for strangers. I just want to be free. And besides, I’m not sure about the statute of limitations on something like that.”

  Pearl nodded as if she understood, but Sierra knew by the look in her eyes that she wasn’t ready to let it go. “I still think it’s worth looking into,” she said.

  Suddenly, Sierra felt Irene’s whole body weight as she grabbed Sierra in a fierce hug. “I thought I was your protector,” she said. “I tried to shield you from everything. I’m so sorry I failed you.”

  Sierra rubbed Irene’s back. “You didn’t fail me. You have been a really good big sister and protector, even when I didn’t want you to be. It’s hard to help when someone doesn’t ask for it.”

  “Even still . . . I’m sorry.” Irene was sobbing now.

  And then Ron joined in. “I’m sorry too. I really am.”

  Sierra smiled, not really sure what Ron was apologizing for, as he was only a baby when it happened.

  With tears in his eyes, he clarified, “I’m sorry that this happened to you.”

  Sierra took all of their love and support and hugged it into herself. She knew now that this was family. This was what it was all about.

  After about another ten minutes of sobbing, hugging each other, and cursing Wayne, a loud growl from Sierra’s stomach broke up the tears.

  They all actually looked at each other and laughed.

  Sierra was ready to let this go. She was ready to eat. She had never felt closer to her family than she did at this moment. She was the first to rise to her feet and head for the kitchen.

  Everyone else seemed reluctant to go and eat after such a revelation, but they followed Sierra without protest.

  Pearl shook her head and headed straight for the oven as she entered the kitchen. “Those rolls are probably burnt by now, don’t you think?” she said, laughing. She opened the oven door and pulled out a tray of very well-done rolls as her children all grabbed a seat around the kitchen table.

  The kitchen was warm and cozy, and the love in the room reverberated off the walls and through the air as the family of four ate their dinner.

  Yes, Sierra thought. This is what matters.

  Chapter 36

  Sierra felt as if she were floating. A soft melody was playing all around her. Her head was enveloped by the softest cushion she’d ever felt. The smell in the air was familiar. It smelled of home cooking and friends. It was dark, but she was pretty sure that her eyes were closed. She slowly o
pened her eyes and looked around. The pictures, the sounds, the smells—she remembered this place. It was Miss Patty’s house. Sierra was lying on the couch, and she could see both Miss Patty and Mary sitting at the kitchen table and having a cup of coffee. As she raised herself into a sitting position, both women got up and approached the couch.

  “How are you feeling?” Miss Patty asked, smiling at Sierra.

  Sierra checked herself, confused. Had she sustained some type of injury at the church? She recalled the flames, the smoke, the sounds of glass breaking. She lifted her hands to her face and checked for any areas of pain in her arms and legs. From what she could feel, she thought she was fine. “I’m okay,” she said.

  Mary and Miss Patty nodded in unison and smiled knowing smiles at one another.

  Sierra was confused. What was going on? Why was she here? Had something else happened? Was John hurt? What was happening?

  Before Sierra was able to voice any of her concerns, Miss Patty shook her head and said, “No, child.”

  Sierra was now even more confused, since she hadn’t actually spoken what she was thinking. She felt a frown etch across her face, and Mary took a finger and smoothed out the wrinkle that presented itself. As Mary touched her forehead, Sierra felt an ease flow from that digit through her, calming her spirit. She still wanted to know what was going on, though.

  “We’re coming to you because this will be the end of your seeing us for a while, but we want you to know that even if you can’t see us, we will always be with you,” Mary said.

  Sierra shook her head. “I don’t understand. What is this? What do you mean?”

  The two women sat down on either side of Sierra and held each of her hands in their own.