Last Train Home

by Megan Nugen Isbell

  I just shook my head and shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t know how to explain how I was feeling. Part of me felt dead inside whenever I thought about Alex and what he’d done to me. Part of me felt so angry I just wanted to beat the crap out of someone. And part of me was just so happy to be sitting here next to Jesse, whose presence seemed to make things better.

  “I don’t know how I am, Jesse.”

  “I wish you hadn’t left,” he said softly.

  “I had to.”

  “No, you didn’t.”

  “I didn’t? What else could I do?” I asked, cringing at the memories.

  “You could’ve stayed.”

  “No, I couldn’t. I was humiliated. You have no clue how I felt…what I went through.”

  “I know I don’t, but we…your friends…we could’ve helped you.”

  “How? How could you’ve helped?” I snapped at him, knowing he didn’t have the answer. “Could you take me back to that night…the night I made the biggest mistake of my life? Could you make me not believe his lies? Could you make me listen to everyone’s warnings about him? Could you do that, Jesse?” I taunted.

  “No, of course not. I’m not saying that. But, I would’ve been there. You know I would’ve been there.”

  “It doesn’t matter. I don’t belong there. Ever since I got to Carver, I’ve thought how backwards you people are and then Alex goes and does this to me and just proves it. How could I stay? Why would I stay?”

  “Because we’re not all like him,” he said quickly, taking my arm and turning me towards him. “And we all make mistakes. You’ve gotta forgive yourself.”

  “This wasn’t just a mistake!” I exclaimed as my voice cracked. “This wasn’t just something I can shake my head at and forget. I slept with him! I let him be my first! I believed his lies. I believed he loved me and then he just dumped me. He used me. I was a bet and then he tossed me aside when he got what he wanted. How sick is that? I’m such a cliché,” I said, shaking my head in disgust at myself. “And I thought I was smarter than that. Do you know how it feels to give yourself completely to someone and think they feel the same way only to realize they never meant a word of it…to be completely blindsided…to feel so betrayed and humiliated…so publicly,” I said, cringing before continuing. “To give something to someone that you can never get back?” I seethed at him and then covered my face with my hands as I tried to hide the tears that had formed as I thought back to the lies I’d fallen for. Everything I’d worked so hard to repress since landing in Boston was making its way back to the surface and I started to cry. Jesse moved closer to me and I felt his arms around me as I sobbed. As he held me, everything started pouring out of me. Every emotion I’d been feeling left my body with the tears. I hadn’t allowed myself to truly deal with what had happened. I hadn’t really talked about how I was feeling. I’d been so concerned with leaving Carver and running from everything, I’d shut it all down. But now, I couldn’t stop. Everything with Alex and my parents and the move was just flowing out of me and Jesse didn’t say a word. He just let me cry.

  “I just wanna forget. I wanna forget about him and what he did to me,” I sobbed quietly into Jesse’s chest.

  “It’s gonna be okay. You’ll be okay,” he assured me gently.

  I’m not sure how long we remained like that, or even everything I said or what Jesse said in return. I think mostly I just cried and he just held me, showing me I wasn’t alone and trying to convince me everything would be okay, but when I finally pulled away, his shirt was soaked.

  “I must look like such a mess,” I said, wiping my nose with a tissue Jesse had handed to me from the box on the end table. I could tell my face was red and chapped and my eyes were swollen.

  “No, you don’t. You look beautiful,” he said as he reached over and took my hand and a peace came over me as I realized while Alex may have betrayed me, I did have friends who cared about me. As I looked at Jesse, I knew he probably cared about me more than any of my friends had ever cared about me.

  “I still can’t believe you’re here. It’s so strange,” I said to him and he nodded in agreement.

  “I can’t believe I’m here either. You must think I’m crazy.”

  “I think you’d have to be to hop on a plane and come after your loser friend.”

  “Don’t say that. You’re not a loser. I wish you weren’t so self-deprecating. And before you say anything, yes, that’s a word us Kansans know,” he laughed.

  “I wasn’t going to say anything, but since you did, it is a very impressive word…for a hick like you anyway,” I said with a smile, but then apologized quickly. “You’re not a hick. I’m sorry for always making fun of Kansas and being such a snob. You’re probably the best friend I’ve ever had. I’m just sorry it took me so long to realize that and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was leaving.”

  I thought I saw his cheeks redden, but I wasn’t sure because he looked away too quickly. But then he looked back at me again a second later and he appeared cool and collected.

  “So what can I do to convince you to come back with me?” he asked.

  I looked at him with raised eyebrows.

  “I’m not going back,” I said quickly. “I’m just going to stay here with my dad and Robin until I graduate and then it’s off to college.”

  “You know you don’t want to do that,” he said seriously.

  “Well, no. Of course I don’t want to move in with them, although it actually hasn’t been too bad,” I had to admit. “But I can’t go back there. I can’t see him every day. I can’t have people staring at me and talking about me…calling me a slut,” I said, whispering the last word as my eyes teared up again.

  “Don’t say that!” he interrupted sternly. “You’re not a slut. No one thinks you’re a slut.”

  “Of course they do. We’re in high school, Jesse. People change their opinions as often as they change their underwear. Everyone knows I slept with Alex and he dumped me. In the world of high school, I’m a slut.”

  “First of all, not everyone knows and secondly, if they do, who cares if they think that? Do you really care what they think about you? You never used to care.”

  “Of course I care. I care if people think I’m a slut, because…because I’m not a slut. I’m not a slut! I didn’t just hop into bed with him. I thought he loved me and I thought I loved him. I thought we were in love. I would never have slept with someone I didn’t love. You know that, don’t you?” I babbled.

  “Yes, I know that.”

  “Then how do you expect me to go back there?”

  “Because I don’t think you should let him win. If you stay here, he’ll have won and you can’t let him win. You’re better than that. You’re only making it worse by being here. To be honest, I’m surprised someone like you would run so far away from your problems,” he said, pausing and looking at me to see if he’d offended me. Of course he had, but I knew he was right and I didn’t say anything so he continued. “You need to go back there and face him. He needs to see he doesn’t have that kind of power over you and if you care what other people think, they need to see he doesn’t have that control over you either.”

  “That sounds noble and brave, but it means nothing and you know that. It doesn’t matter what I do, people will have their opinions. They love to see people fall and I’ve fallen about as far as you can go. So why go back just to show them up? Why? Give me a real reason, a valid reason why I should go back?” I snapped at him.

  “You want a reason?” he asked, matching my defiance.

  “Yeah I do. I left for a reason and you came all the way here to get me, now tell me why I should go back.”

  “Because I don’t wanna go back there without you,” he said quickly and we were both suddenly quiet.

  I expected him to look away, but he didn’t. His eyes never left mine and he reached over and rested his hand on mine.

  “You’d be fine,” I assured him finally.

  “Yeah, I migh
t be fine, but it would suck not to have you there.”

  “You don’t mean that.”

  “Yes, I do. Everything’s always been the same in Carver, but then you came and things were different. You were so different than anyone I’d ever met. You made me think about life out of Kansas. You showed me there could me more. Hell,” he exclaimed. “I’m here in Boston, aren’t I? I never even dreamed of coming to Boston before, but I’m here and it’s not just because you ran away, it’s because you made me want to. You made me want to know your world. I would’ve come someday even if you hadn’t left. This just expedited my trip. And I don’t want to not have you around for as long as I can. I knew you were never going to stay in Kansas. I knew you were coming back here after we graduated, but I’m not ready to have you come back yet and I don’t think you’re ready for that either.”

  He was staring hard at me and while I wanted to discount what he was saying, I couldn’t. I’d hated Carver since the second I stepped foot there and I still wanted to hate it. Every day I was there I had to talk myself into hating it. I couldn’t admit that I kind of liked it. No, not kind of liked it. I actually liked it. I couldn’t admit that I was glad it’d brought me closer to my family or that I met some of the greatest people I’d ever known there. I couldn’t admit it had opened my eyes to a different way of life…a simpler way of life that I enjoyed and never would’ve known had I stayed in Boston. Moving had made me value what I had and appreciate what I’d learned in Kansas.

  “I need some time. I just got here. I need to clear my head. I’m not sure what I’m going to do, but I’m registering for school in a couple of days,” I said and he looked at me doubtfully, but I knew he wouldn’t press me anymore tonight. He’d start up again, but he’d give me a break for now. “How long are you staying?” I asked, trying to distract him from his attempt to bring me back to Kansas.

  “I’m not exactly sure. I was kinda hoping we could catch a flight back together. I only booked a one way ticket.”

  “Well then, you’ve gotta at least stay till I can show you around the city. You can’t come all the way here and not do all the tourist stuff. You know Mr. Barry would kill you.”

  “Definitely,” he laughed and I could just imagine the old man in the tweed coat with the bushy mustache scolding Jesse for not taking advantage of his time in Boston.

  Even though we were laughing, I could tell he was still waiting for me to agree to come back to Carver. I just didn’t know if I could agree to that. In fact, I knew I couldn’t, even if a very small, miniscule part of me wanted to go back with him.

  “Where are you staying?” I asked him.

  “I’m not sure. I didn’t exactly get that far with my plans. This little rescue mission wasn’t exactly well thought out,” he said, chuckling lightly. “I figured I’d find a hotel or something.”

  “You’re staying here with me.”

  “Riley, I couldn’t impose,” he said and I cut him off.

  “Don’t be ridiculous. You’re not imposing.”

  “What about your dad?”

  “He won’t care. I swear,” I said and then squeezed his hand. “Please stay.”

  He looked at me doubtfully for a second before hesitating.

  “Okay. If it’s alright with your dad then I’ll stay,” he finally agreed and then before I could think about it, I leaned over and wrapped my arms around him. I felt his arms slowly wrap around me too.

  “What’s this for?” he whispered as my chin continued to rest on his shoulder.

  “For making sure I was okay,” I replied softly and I felt him squeeze me a little tighter.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  I was nervous when my dad and Robin returned home. I’d tried calling to tell my dad Jesse was here, but he hadn’t answered. I’d left a message, but I wasn’t sure if he’d received that either. For all I knew, he’d think he was walking in to his recently deflowered daughter and her next conquest.

  Jesse and I looked up from our seats on the couch when they walked in. They both looked between us suspiciously and I saw an uneasy smile spread over my dad’s face as he stared at Jesse.

  “Hey, Dad,” I said quickly. “This is…” but I was cut off.

  “Jesse,” he answered.

  “Yes, sir,” Jesse said, standing up and extending his hand to my father. Jesse was a few inches taller than my dad and he looked impressive standing next to him. Jesse looked right into his eyes, and never broke contact.

  “Hi, Jesse,” he said, shaking the outstretched hand.

  “It’s nice to meet you, sir,” Jesse said with his usual Midwestern manners.

  “Same here. This is Robin,” my dad said gesturing to my step-mom for all intents and purposes.

  “Nice to meet you, ma’am,” he said, shaking Robin’s petite hand.

  “You must be hungry,” Robin said. “Did Riley offer you anything to eat?”

  “Yes, she did, thank you,” he said politely, referencing the leftover Chinese food we’d munched on while waiting for my dad to return.

  “Can I talk to you for a second, Riley?” my dad asked and I nodded following him into the kitchen.

  “Did you get my message?” I asked before he could say anything.

  “Yes, I did.”

  “I’m sorry, Dad. He just showed up. I didn’t know he was coming, I swear.”

  “I know you didn’t. I talked to your mom after I got your message and she told me Jesse had said he might come out and see if he could get you to go back to Kansas. Who is this guy?”

  “He’s just a…a really good friend.”

  “That’s what your mom said. She also told me he’s the one who went after that Alex jerk.”

  “Yeah, that’d be him,” I said, thinking of Jesse and Alex fighting, causing a smile to spread across my face.

  “Well, that right there makes me like him,” he said, but then paused. “How long is he staying?”

  “I don’t know, a couple of days maybe. I told him I’m not going back to Kansas, but that he should stay and I’d show him around Boston before he heads back. Is it alright if he stays here?”

  “I don’t know, Riley,” he said doubtfully. “I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that.

  “Please, Dad. He came all this way and you know how expensive hotels are around here. Plus, he is from Carver, he might get lost in the big city and we don’t want to responsible for that, do we?” I laughed.

  “Your mother did say she trusted him. She has nothing but good things to say about him.”

  “Please, Dad,” I begged again and he breathed in as if he was thinking.

  “Fine. He can stay,” he finally agreed and I leaned in and hugged him tightly.

  “Thanks,” I whispered to him and then we both walked back into the living room where Jesse and Robin seemed to be in the middle of a conversation.

  “Would you like to stay here while you’re in town?” my dad asked and Jesse looked nervously between my father and me.

  “If it’s not too much trouble, I’d appreciate it,” he replied.

  “It’s no trouble,” my dad said.

  “You can stay in the den. There’s a futon in there. It’s not very comfortable though, I’m afraid,” Robin piped in.

  “That sounds fine. Thank you,” Jesse said as he looked at my dad and Robin and smiled.

  “You’re welcome,” my dad said, before adding. “Riley’s mom told me what you did for her.” I started to fidget uncomfortably and I could tell Jesse was uneasy as well. “Thank you for looking out for my little girl.”

  “It was no problem, Mr. Regas. Riley’s a special girl.”

  I looked over to him and he was smiling shyly at me. I smiled back at him.

  “I’m going to go get changed. I need to get out of this suit,” my dad said, loosening his tie.

  “Me too,” Robin said, kicking off her heels and carrying them as they walked upstairs, leaving Jesse and me alone again.

  “See, I told you it’d be okay
for you to stay,” I said, nudging him.

  “I was nervous there for a second. I thought your dad might mistake me for Alex or something and punch me,” he laughed.

  “That would’ve actually been kinda funny,” I chuckled.

  “Hey, I’ve already taken a beating for you once, I don’t know if I could’ve handled twice.”

  “Hey…I’m worth it.”

  “Yes. Yes, you are,” he said, smiling sweetly at me.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  When I woke up the next morning, I forgot for a moment that Jesse was asleep just a few rooms down. We’d gone to bed shortly after my dad and Robin got home. He was tired from the flight and I was tired from life. I’d slept like a rock. I wasn’t sure if it was the fact that I was asleep in Boston or the fact that I was 1,600 miles away from my problems, but I woke up feeling rested and I was ready to forget about Alex.

  Jesse was already downstairs chatting with Robin when I woke up. He was eating a bowl of cereal and they both looked up at me when I walked in.

  “Hey,” I said when we made eye contact.

  “Mornin’,” he replied.

  “Good morning,” Robin said. “Can I get you something to eat?” she asked.

  “No, thanks. I’ll get something in a bit.”

  “Alright. I’m going to jump in the shower then. Your dad ran to the grocery store. He wanted me to tell you he’s making a big Greek dinner tonight,” Robin said and my mouth started watering. My dad made the best Greek food and I couldn’t wait to taste it.

  I nodded and then Robin headed back upstairs.

  “Have you been up long?” I asked as I sat down in the chair next to him once Robin was gone.

  “Not too long. Robin got me a towel and I showered already.”

  “Sorry I slept so late,” I apologized.

  “8:30’s not that late.”

  “Well, I hate to leave you down here with just Robin to talk to. She can be a little chatty.”

  “She’s nice. I don’t know what your aversion to her is.”

  “You wouldn’t get it. She is nice, but it’s weird seeing my dad with anyone but mom, even though it’s been two years since they divorced.”