Avren: An Auxem Novel

by Lisa Lace

  "If you could consider forgiving me, that is?" she added.

  He stared at her for a long time, different emotions chasing each other across his face. I looked around at everyone else in the room.

  Dar had a confused look on his face. He looked like he remembered something painful. I thought about his reconciliation with his mother and wondered what he was thinking.

  Mana was watching Jared intently. She focused her entire body on him. She looked like she could feel all the pain he was feeling.

  There was another emotion on her face that I struggled to identify. As I watched her, I realized that it could be called longing.

  "I don't know," he said, and her face crumpled. "But I guess I could think about it."

  She got a funny look on her face, and I thought that she would cry this time. But then she smiled.

  "Okay," she said. "I'll take that."

  All of a sudden, she seemed to realize that she and Jared were not alone.

  "But why are you here, Jared? You didn't just come to see your dear old mother."

  And when she said that, she looked nothing like a dear old mother. She looked like the woman who had climbed to the top and had the power of an entire planet at her fingertips.

  "No, mama. We've got a bigger problem on our hands."

  And I watched as she transformed into the President before our very eyes.

  "What's going on?" she glanced around at the rest of us.

  Mana finally spoke up. "We have a problem at Wormhole 87," she said. "A significant problem. The space station has disappeared, and aliens took everyone on it as slaves."

  Mana, Jared, and the president had gone to contact Susohn. We had explained what had happened to Dar, and she volunteered to communicate with the queen mother, instead, considering the circumstances.

  "I have to find a bathroom," I said, feeling a little nervous about being alone with him. It was the first time we had been alone since he had been mind-wiped.

  "I'll come with you," he said, immediately.

  "It's okay. I'm sure I can manage on my own. I've used a bathroom my entire life." I laughed.

  "You don't want me to come with you?"

  There was an unexpected note of yearning in his voice that took me by surprise.

  "No, I didn't mean that. You can come with me. Just wait outside." I gave him a weird look, but he didn't notice.

  I felt unsure and nervous. It was like we were starting all over again. We were meeting for the first time, and it seemed odd. I sighed as we walked down the hall together. I'd been told to go down the stairs, and I would find a washroom on the right.

  "Is everything OK?" he said to me.

  "Yeah, I'm all right," I said. It was a complete lie. I had lost the love of my life, even though he was walking right beside me, and it was tearing my heart out. Fine probably wasn't the right word to describe what I was. "Not all right" would open up a big can of worms.

  "You seem different from the rest. Could you tell me about our relationship before I was mind-wiped?"

  My mind clouded, and I forgot about needing the washroom for a moment. He wanted me to tell him about our relationship? He wanted to know about what we had done together? How could I tell him that? I couldn't explain to a complete stranger about what we had been through together.

  The idea was ludicrous.

  How long had we been walking to this bathroom?

  "I'm not sure if I can," I finally got out after a minute of silence.

  "Why?" he said, confused.

  "It's complicated, and I have to pee," I said, changing the subject.

  I started walking faster down the hall. He matched my pace easily with his long legs.

  "Here we go," I said. A door appeared in front of me. I was desperate to get away from him before he asked any more difficult questions. I turned and walked in with Dar following behind me.

  As he let go of the door, it shut behind us, leaving us in the dark. Or it was almost dark. There was a tiny emergency light that gave off just enough light so I could barely make out his features.

  "This is not the bathroom," I said.

  "I think it's a closet," he said, and I could sense his presence quite close beside me because the closet wasn't very big at all. I breathed in his scent, and I felt like crying.

  "Shouldn't we go?" I said, not wanting to move. Not wanting to touch him.

  "Kenna," he said, and my heart jumped when he said my name. I swallowed. "Please tell me."

  I felt myself relenting. It wasn't fair to keep it from him, I supposed. Maybe the darkness would make it easier.

  "We loved each other," I said, feeling the tears close at hand. "We met on Dobu and well, we hit it off, so to speak. Then some terrorists attacked and we escaped from them together." Our entire relationship flashed through my mind. Something inside me hoped that if I remembered the past, Dar would be able to remember it as well.

  Our first night together and how amazing it had been. How I had disappeared, and he had been searching for me. That moment when he had found me in the lab, and we had done it on the countertop. The explosion. Our escape. The slow, hot morning sex. The terrorists taking us prisoner and how we had jumped into the river. I had saved him. And then he had saved me.

  In the end, we had saved each other.

  That was a lot. I couldn't tell him all that.

  "I became Susohnnan," I said, skipping over what I had gone through to get the bright red scar on my left hip. "And we were going to get married, eventually."

  I stopped talking then. Those were the high points, and it would have to be enough because I couldn't stop the tears that were streaming down my face. Thank goodness it was dark in here.

  I tried to go past him out the door then, but he stepped closer to me. I could feel the heat of his body. It was so close to mine.

  "Kenna," he said. His voice twisted my heart and made it beat faster simultaneously. The tears dried up.

  "Yes?" I said, not moving away. I probably should have.

  "I need to kiss you," he said, closing the distance between us.

  My body tingled all over.

  Then he leaned down, and our lips touched. It hadn't been that long since he had last kissed me, but that was a different person.

  I hadn't expected that we would ever kiss me again, and the result was electric.

  Fireworks exploded behind my eyes. I felt a shot of excitement zing down to my core. My body filled with energy and my heart felt light. Oh, yes. Oh, I loved him so much. I missed him so much.

  I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him close. He kissed me — hungry and desperate — as if he were a drowning man, and I was his life preserver. Our tongues twisted together. Our bodies pressed tightly against each other. I never wanted it to end.

  But when I felt his hardness pressing into my pelvis, I knew I had to stop this madness. I stepped back, giving him a push on the chest to make him move away.

  "Kenna, please," he said. "I've been dreaming of you. Memories, maybe fantasies, but they seem real."

  "Dar. We can't do this. What are you thinking? It wouldn't be right."

  "Are you taking advantage of the mind-wiped guy?" he said. "I promise I won't complain. Please. Take advantage of me. I'm begging you."

  I laughed. I couldn't help it.

  "We need to go," I said, squeezing past him. That was a mistake, because my whole body rubbed against his, making me gasp at the sensation. I opened the doorknob quickly and burst out into the brightness of the corridor.

  "Kenna, wait," he said, catching up to me in the hallway and reaching for my hand. I paused, enjoying the feeling. "I don't remember everything that we went through together. But whatever we had..."

  He stopped.

  "Yeah?" I said, suddenly really wanting to hear what he had to say.

  "I don't think that it got wiped. Not completely."

  I drew in a shaky breath at what he was saying, unable to look away from his eyes.

  "It was your mind tha
t got erased," I said gently.

  He nodded, his eyes never leaving mine.

  "My mind. Not my heart."

  He pulled me back to him and kissed me again, deeply. The way he used to.

  DAR

  I had a richly decorated room in the President's offices. I walked in, leaving the door unlocked. We would be lodged here until we left.

  I sat down on the bed. I felt ready to collapse with fatigue and emotion. The constant uncertainty and confusion of not knowing anything was exhausting.

  I buried my head in my hands. I felt completely overwhelmed and sad at all that I had lost.

  Everyone else, along with the President and her advisers, had been having a meeting about assembling a joint human and Susohnnan army to fight the threat. The Susohnnan and the humans were going to meet at a rendezvous point and then proceed together to Wormhole 87 to defeat the aliens. Mana and Jared would lead the combined troops.

  I was unable to participate in the meeting, but I listened. Mana had told me that we were usually peaceful people, but when anything threatened our peace, we were willing to fight to protect our lifestyle.

  I had met my mother on a view screen. She was participating in the meeting remotely because I was unable to fulfill my duties. I didn't have any memories of her, and she was devastated.

  I knew I was breathing too fast, but my life were spiraling out of control.

  I didn't know who I was. I didn't remember anything about who I had been.

  I used to wield immense power, and now I had nothing. And I didn't know if that bothered me or not.

  "Dar?" I looked up. It was Kenna. She was holding her bandaged hand up in front of her chest. "I knocked, but you didn't answer, and the door was unlocked. I locked it now. You really shouldn't leave it open. We launch tomorrow at oh nine hundred hours, and you need to be ready."

  Finally, her flow of words stopped as she studied me.

  "Are you all right?"

  I closed my eyes and told her the truth. Maybe she would understand. She was the only thing that made sense in all this madness.

  "No. I'm not all right. Not at all."

  She sat down beside me and reached out her good hand, tentatively, as if she wasn't sure if I would want her to touch me. I clasped her hand and immediately felt better.

  All of a sudden, even though the world around me was crazy, it felt manageable. I could do this as long as she was holding my hand.

  When I looked at her, I could tell she was affected too. She wasn't breathing.

  "Kenna," I said, feeling hopeless. Surely, she wouldn't want to be with a man without memories. A has-been. "I don't know if I'm the same man you loved. I feel like I'm no one anymore."

  She pressed her lips together and a tear escaped her eye and trickled down her cheek.

  "You're still the man I fell in love with," she said.

  I shook my head, staring at her. How could that be?

  She looked at my lips and then back up at my eyes as if asking permission. Then she moved towards me, and we were pulled together by forces stronger than either of us could resist.

  The kiss was hot, and I wondered what it had been like to make love to her. We must have burned up the sheets. At the thought, I started to harden. I wondered if it was right to do this.

  This time it was me that pulled back.

  "Kenna, what are we doing?" I said, breathlessly.

  "I don't know," she said, her eyes full of longing for me.

  "I'm not sure I can be who you need me to be," I said.

  "I don't care," she said her eyes burning. "I have missed you so much, and right now I just want to be close to you. Do you want to be close to me?"

  I closed my eyes. She was asking if I wanted her? God, did I want her. But I didn't know about taking this next step. I had a feeling it wouldn't be easy to let go of her, once I had tasted her sweet body and been so close to her heart. If she dumped me after we had fucked, I was pretty sure I would be broken.

  "I want to be with you more than anything. But I don't know if it would be right."

  "Don't you want to take advantage of the girl who's man was mind-wiped? I promise I won't complain. Please. Take advantage of me. I'm begging you."

  She repeated the words I had used yesterday and at the same time, she took the hand that she was holding and placed it on her breasts.

  I drew in a shuddering breath. I didn't think I could resist her any longer, not if she wanted it as much as I did.

  There was a knock on the door, and we jumped apart, looking at each other with a guilty expression on our faces. I stood up and went to open it.

  It was Jared, and he was looking for Kenna.

  "Hey guys, I just need Kenna for a quick meeting," he said, looking back and forth between Kenna and I. "Am I interrupting something?"

  Kenna glanced at me, and though she was trying to hide it, I could see the disappointment on her face.

  "No, Jared. You weren't interrupting anything."

  She gave me one more long look before she followed him out the door. When she left, I sighed deeply.

  I wanted to make love to her, and if we hadn't been interrupted, I don't know what would have happened. But surely it wasn't right to do this. Not the way I was now.

  I wasn't worthy of Kenna, and I wouldn't hurt her by continuing this farce.

  That felt like the right thing to do. I would avoid her. I wouldn't facilitate this nonsense any longer.

  If my memories came back, then I would obviously continue the relationship. But if they didn't...well, then she would have to move on.

  She would have to find a whole man who knew who he was. I would tell her soon. She would be okay without me.

  What would I do without her? I had no idea.

  KENNA

  We had arrived at the wormhole with the vast armada of ships about five hours ago. Mana and Jared were leading the troops in the largest of the fighter craft. I watched from the bridge as the joint human and Susohnnan army devastated the alien ship. The ships were firing simultaneously, and there were hundreds of holes in the hull of the enemy.

  We were winning.

  I scratched some of my good skin that was itchy under the bandage and looked over at Dar. At the same moment, he looked at me. He gazed at me with no expression on his face. He nodded his head towards the door. I had a bad feeling about this.

  He left the bridge and a minute later, I followed, leaving President Mahaar and Dar's mother on the deck with the rest of the crew. They couldn't stop watching the viewscreen, and they didn't notice we had left.

  When I got into the hall, I looked for Dar and heard his voice behind me.

  "Kenna."

  I turned to him. He didn't SAY "We need to talk," but I sensed it.

  "Look, I've been thinking," he said. "I believe that the best thing for us right now would be to back off. I still feel confused, and I don't know how I'm going to rebuild my life. There's so much going on right now that I just think it would be better if we didn't see each other for now."

  "You're breaking up with me?" I said, shocked. "The alien is breaking up with the human."

  "I'm not breaking up with you. I'm just asking for some time. That's all."

  "I know what that means," I said coldly. I could hear my voice getting thick.

  "Kenna, I can't promise you anything. I don't even remember who I am," he said, his eyes pleading with me to understand.

  "But I do. I do remember who you are. I'm not sure I can live without you anymore, Dar."

  He shook his head. His eyes were sad, but he pulled himself up with a look on his face that said further arguments would be futile.

  If telling him that I couldn't live without him didn't do it, nothing would. Tears filled my eyes, but I held them back, not letting them fall.

  This was worse than when I thought I lost him the first time. Losing him was different than an active rejection me, which was a thousand times worse. I didn't know how I would ever get over this.

 
Right now, I just needed to get out of here. Get away from him and this conversation.

  "We have to get back," I said, turning and trying not to cry. He followed me back on to the bridge.

  Everything had been going so well until this. We were dealing with the alien ship. Dar was regaining portions of his memory.

  Even if he never got it back, he was still the same person inside.

  Now he was telling me that in spite of the fact that he clearly still cared for me, he didn't think that it was right for him to be with me.

  What the fuck?

  After all that we had been through, it was going to end here? Just like that? It wasn't fair.

  As we walked silently back on to the bridge together, I noticed his mother was watching us with a speculative glance. She was probably calculating the chances of still getting babies out of me. Unfortunately, her chances were slim to none and plummeting fast.

  "Oh no," the President said.

  "What?" Dar's mother said.

  "All the places where we've struck and destroyed a piece of the enemy ship have regenerated." She looked around at all of us. "Those pieces are reappearing. There are half as many holes in the ship now as there were a minute ago."

  The dangerous situation took my mind away from my problems. We had thought that with so many blasts being directed at the alien ship all at the same time that it would not be able to regenerate quickly enough to overcome our assault.

  We were wrong.

  "No."

  "Yes," the President said. Then she spoke into a direct link to Mana and Jared's fighter craft. "Jared, Mana. Order a retreat immediately. I repeat, order a retreat. The ship is regenerating faster than you are destroying it."

  "We copy that, mother. Ordering a retreat," Jared said. We saw some of the ships begin turning and heading away from the alien vessel.

  Without warning, the army of fighter craft was all gone. Then the alien craft flew into the wormhole and disappeared too.

  We stared at the screen in horror. The bridge was silent.

  "What's wrong with the viewscreen?" Dar's mother said. "Pull up the battle again, ensign."

  "Your Majesty, that is the battle," the ensign said in a shocked voice.

  "What do you mean? There's nothing there. Everything's gone. There must be a glitch. Fix it." Her voice became urgent.