(Complete Rock Stars, Surf and Second Chances #1-5)

by Michelle Mankin

  I turned over slowly so I could look at him. I did it carefully because I wanted his arm to remain around my waist. It was heavy, but I liked it resting there. It seemed he needed to anchor me to him as much as I wanted to be moored to his side.

  In the grainy gray twilight, I reached out and placed my hand on his chest. The muscle over it was a solid copper cage and his skin was smooth perfection, but his heart was my target, his incredibly loyal, fiercely protective, amazingly creative, and exuberantly passionate heart. It thumped steadily beneath my palm.

  Reluctantly, I removed my hand, but only to bring it to my mouth. I pressed my lips to the tips of my fingers, infusing a kiss with the words I held in reserve and wouldn’t say yet out loud. I couldn’t say them out loud, not with a secret between us.

  Softly, I touched the finger-pad kiss to his skin, tracing the shape of a heart as a seal around it before sliding out of the bed.

  As I suspected, it was harder to leave his side on the second morning of our experiment than it had been on the first. Every day, each hour, I found myself falling in one direction, further into him. Fighting the gravitational pull was exhausting. I’d decided to stop trying and be the goddess he thought I was.

  His goddess.

  The end of our time together was going to arrive as inevitably as a high tide followed a low one. Maybe the incoming waves wouldn’t wash everything we’d built together away. Not if I stopped focusing on the unknown and unchangeable, and concentrated more on being in balance within myself and him.

  Connecting to an undefined future for us meant letting go of more than just my uncertainty and fears. It meant coming to terms with my past. In a major way.

  Tiptoeing away from the sanctuary of Diesel’s bedroom, I crept down the hall and through the shadowy living room. I stepped outside onto the porch and placed my hands on the railing, leaning into it as I tipped my face into the humid offshore breeze.

  The ocean had taken away so much from me and Diesel, but maybe there was healing in it for both of us too.

  “Max,” I whispered, my heart longing and my ears straining, hoping somehow that the wind would carry his voice to me from wherever he was.

  But that was impossible. He was gone. Nothing remained but me and the hollowness his departure had carved out of my chest.

  “You left me. You promised to stay, but you didn’t keep your promise.”

  I would probably never know definitively whether Max had intended to leave or if he’d truly wanted to stay. The not knowing was the crux of what had gone wrong with us. He’d never fully given himself to me, and I’d never fully given myself to him.

  I dropped my chin, tears falling from my eyes and gathering between my lips. I placed my hand on my abdomen. It seemed to have rounded slightly overnight. And I felt a swelling of emotion inside my heart for the good-bye I had to say in order to fully embrace not just the new life inside me, but the hope of a future, one with the man I’d left sleeping inside the house.

  “There will always be a part of me that is yours. I give that part of me to you freely, asking nothing in return.”

  I believed in my heart that was the essence of love. Max had given that to me. I wouldn’t be who I was today without having that piece of him inside me.

  “I promise you I will do my very best to love the baby we made out of the pureness of that love. But now I have to say good-bye.” More tears dropped. “I love you.” I’d loved him the best I’d known how at the time.

  “Who are you talking to?”

  Diesel appeared. His curls tousled and his blue board shorts untied and low on his narrow hips, he frowned at me.

  “Why are you crying?” He reached for me, his long fingers curling around my upper arms as he brought me into him.

  “I was talking to Max.” My palms on Diesel’s chest, I felt his muscles tense, his energy crackling to hyperalert. “I needed to say good-bye.”

  Tucking my hands under my chin, I laid my cheek on his chest. My tears stained the invisible words I’d pressed into his skin earlier.

  “Why?” He tightened the arm he’d wrapped around me and smoothed his other hand up my spine, burying it under the loose fall of my hair.

  “Because he loved me.” I lifted my head, gliding my palms to the center of Diesel’s hard chest. “Because I loved him in my own way. Because of—”

  “Don’t want you to talk about your feelings for another man while I’m holding you in my arms.”

  “I wasn’t. I mean, I am. But only to let you know those feelings are past tense. I don’t want anything in the way between us.”

  “Good.” Yet his expression remained dark.

  “I thought it was.”

  Searching Diesel’s gaze and finding it shuttered, I swallowed my confession about the baby. Maybe a little more time before that revelation was best.

  I pasted on a cheery smile. “Are you going to surf again while I do my yoga?”

  “I thought we might watch the sunrise together first.”

  “I’d love that.”

  “Let’s go down closer to the water so we can get an unencumbered view.”

  He took my hand and crossed the porch as I moved beside him. Down the steps, past the outdoor shower, and along the path we went. Where the sand sloped to the water, he stopped.

  “Sit with me.” He dropped to the sand and tugged on my hand to bring me with him. “I want you to have the best view. I want only the best for you in everything. I hope you know that.”

  “I do,” I said as I lowered myself to the open spot between his long legs. “I want the best for you too.” I felt my brow crease. I didn’t know why, but it worried me that we were talking about trust this morning.

  “I’m sorry if I didn’t react the way you expected just now.” He settled his hands on my shoulders. “It was jarring to me to see you so upset. I’m trying to be sympathetic and understanding, but I’m finding it difficult to bite back words I don’t think you want to hear.”

  My blood ran cold, even as the golden sun peeked over the horizon, and I felt the warmth of it on my skin. Was Diesel going to end it all here? Had I misjudged things between us so completely?

  “I don’t want you to filter.” I braced, even as I gave him permission to crush me. “Speak your mind.”

  “I feel like I should. I feel like we should be ourselves. That we have been, but then I woke up to find you mourning him when I thought that was done.” Diesel’s fingers flexed deeper into the sinew at my shoulders. “It’s been a long time since my one and only serious relationship, and not so long for you. Maybe a week isn’t enough time for us.”

  “It’s enough.” It had to be enough. I stared at the half sphere of the sun, my gaze burning as brightly as it did. “This time with you, it’s been the best of my life.”

  “Mine too,” he said softly. His deep voice and the seriousness with which he spoke settled my disquieted thoughts.

  Emboldened, I exhaled a relieved breath, allowing myself to appreciate the beauty before me. The rising sun painting violet, pink, and orange streamers across the powder-blue sky, and the roaring surf providing the soundtrack, I forged ahead.

  “Today can be whatever we want it to be,” I said. “It can be a time to let go of the past and a time to savor the present. It doesn’t have to be more.”

  I wanted it to be more. With all my heart, I wanted him to say it was more. But holding on to Diesel too tightly, pressuring him right now, didn’t feel right.

  Day by day, moment by moment, I would give him all of me, and then we would see.

  Chapter Forty-Four

  * * *

  Hollie

  The days went by too fast. We laughed, played, and surfed. I savored each moment, all the double-crescent smiles Diesel gave me and the long, wondrous looks after we had sex. It seemed to me that it meant something. I kept hoping he would say the words that would give me the go-ahead to say my own, plus the courage to tell him about the baby.

  But that time hadn’
t come yet.

  “What are you thinking about?” Across the table from me at Paradise where we inevitably went for dinner, Diesel tilted his head at an inquiring angle.

  “What makes you so sure I’m thinking at all?” I skimmed my thumb through the sheen of condensation on my glass of ice water. “Maybe I’m just zoning out.”

  “You have that crease between your brows.”

  “What crease?”

  “The tiny one that often means you’re deep in thought.”

  “You’re right.” I reached across the table and took his hand, squeezing his fingers before withdrawing.

  The bar was crowded. Some locals with faces I was beginning to recognize, but there were a lot of others that I didn’t know today. I still wasn’t sure how Diesel wanted us to be in public, and I remembered the times Max had been upset after pictures of us had come out in the media.

  “So, back to my original question.” Diesel lifted his brows.

  “Just reflecting on the week and how much I enjoy being with you.”

  Keep it real, I told myself. No pressuring.

  “I enjoy spending time with you too. Preferably with you naked.” He waggled his brows. “Did you decide what you’re going to order?”

  “The burger. Even though I shouldn’t. It has a ton of calories.”

  “You surfed hard.”

  “I did.”

  “And we fucked harder.”

  I blushed. “I remember.” In bed. On the beach. In the shower.

  “You were on the too-skinny side when you first got here. You’re starting to develop interesting curves.” His gaze dropped to my chest.

  I swallowed. My breasts did feel fuller lately. Soon, I had to tell him, even if it took away everything. He deserved the truth. I knew I had no chance with him at all, no real one, while that lie of omission remained between us.

  Manoa approached us and removed a pencil from behind his ear. “What’ll it be?” He tapped the abandoned menus.

  “Burger for her,” Diesel said. “Medium-well.”

  “Fish tacos. Double order for him.” I smiled as Diesel grinned, and then added, “And the mac and cheese to share.”

  “Got it.”

  As Manoa walked away, Koa appeared. His hair was messy, it seemed to always be that way, and he was dressed like Diesel in a pair of board shorts and a tank.

  “Hey, Hollie.” The young surfer gave me the once-over. “You look nice.”

  Diesel frowned. “She’s in the same sundress she’s been wearing all week.”

  “So.” Koa gave me his cute lopsided smile. “It still looks good on her.”

  “Thank you, Koa,” I said.

  “What do you want?” Diesel asked. It was obvious he wasn’t happy to see Koa.

  “I wanted to say thanks for cosigning on the camper van with me.”

  “Not a big deal. It benefits me too, you know.”

  “Barely. You’re giving me a home and transportation. You didn’t have to do it. I really don’t mind picking up your dad and bringing him to your place with it once a week.”

  “Glad to hear it.” Diesel did something with his eyes. It seemed like he was trying to telepathically tell Koa to go away.

  “He’s cool. I was kinda hoping you’d consider something.”

  “What?” Diesel’s brows drew together as Koa lingered, shifting his weight from one sandy foot to the other.

  “Giving me some more pointers with my surfing.”

  “I’ve been out of the pro circuit for a long time.”

  “You’ve got style the guys on the North Shore still talk about. I’ve seen the vids. You have a feel for when to press and when to fall back. I’m asking for some help, not for you to be my coach.”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  “Appreciate it.” Koa lifted his chin to Diesel and focused on me, more specifically on my chest. “See you around, beautiful.”

  “See you,” I said, smiling softly as he drifted off.

  “He’s got a lot of nerve.”

  “How do you figure that?”

  “He was eye-fucking you the entire time while I’m sitting right here.”

  “He’s just being friendly.”

  “If friendly is a new word for fucking.”

  “Stop it. I’m glad he’s helping with your dad, and that you’re helping him too. He likes you. I think you like him too. Give him the pointers. Don’t miss an opportunity to be his friend.”

  “Don’t need the hassle. I’ve got my dad. Manoa. The guys in the band.”

  “OB’s a long way from here.” It remained in my mind that LA was very far away too.

  “What’s your point?”

  “I just want your life to be full. Family and friends and the memories and love we share are the things that make our lives meaningful.”

  Along those lines, I’d ordered a customized gift for Diesel from Blondstone Jewelry Studio in Ocean Beach to commemorate our time together. I couldn’t wait for it to arrive so I could give it to him.

  “I know that, pele. But I never met anyone until you who would make family and friends a priority over money and fame.” He took my hand, and kept it until the food came.

  And hope blotted out the doubts inside me.

  Chapter Forty-Five

  * * *

  Diesel

  The days with Hollie had settled into a routine. Having her, laughing, loving, being with her, it was perfect, like being awake inside the best dream. But the worry I caught in her eyes from time to time when she thought I didn’t see, I hated. She thought time was running out, while I felt like it was only beginning.

  I found myself looking forward to spending each brand-new day out on the porch with her. Thinking of that, I penciled a working title onto the steno pad inside my mind for the melody I’d been playing on the piano each night. It would be an actual song with lyrics soon. For her. A gift with no value except that it came straight from my heart. I planned to give it to her when the time was right.

  “It’s a lot of fuss just to take me to the beach,” my dad said, his voice bringing me back from my thoughts.

  “Stop complaining.” I glanced at him in the rearview mirror. He sat behind me in Koa’s new van. “It’s our beach. Hollie’s waiting for us. And you’re worth it.”

  “What’s she wearing today?” Koa asked, stepping on the gas. He was obviously eager to see for himself.

  “None of your business.” I sure as shit wasn’t going to tell him that when I’d left her, she’d been naked. I didn’t want him getting a hard-on over her. She was mine, and mine alone, to have and to fantasize about.

  “Dude, c’mon. The anticipation’s killing me.”

  “Turn here,” I told him. He had been to the house before, but not from the road that led to the assisted-living facility.

  Koa was being helpful. I was going to give him some surfing pointers today because of Hollie. She was right. I did like the dude. Plus, there was no way I could get my dad down to the beach without him. Stateside, I might have been able to easily locate a chair with special wheels for sand, but not out here, not on short notice.

  “What’s the plan for transporting him,” Koa asked as he put on his turn indicator for the driveway.

  “We’ll roll him through the house in his chair, then you and I will have to carry him across the sand.”

  “If I had my walker—”

  “The sand’s uneven, Dad. Maybe the walker or your cane would work when your knees aren’t flaring up so badly. But today we’ll do it this way.” I swiveled around and patted his leg. “It’s not a big deal. Koa and I are happy to help. It’ll be good. I promise.”

  “Don’t forget my sketch pad.”

  “I won’t.”

  I got out as soon as Koa parked, and went around to the back and got out the wheelchair. I put my dad’s drawing pad and pencils in the pocket on the back. After rolling the chair around to the side, I slid open the door.

  “You ready?” Koa asked Da
d, appearing beside me.

  “I can walk on my own two feet into my own house.”

  “I know you probably can. But you don’t have to.”

  “I need to try.”

  “I get that, Dad.” But it would take longer, and I was impatient to see Hollie. I’d been gone several hours. First to the campground on the Ninja to get Koa and the van. Then to my dad. Then back here.

  “Whose car is that in the driveway?”

  I swiveled around to follow the direction of my dad’s gaze.

  “It’s a rental.” I frowned, noting the Rent-A-Jeep sticker. I distinctly remembered telling Hollie that I would take her wherever she needed to go.

  “She knows her own mind, that one.” My dad watched me closely.

  I nodded. “She does for sure.”

  “Insightful. Compassionate. Empathetic. She’s night and day different from Lalana.” My dad summarized her personality as well as I could, and he’d only met her once.

  “Stop trying to sell me on her attributes.” I could already see them. To me, she was like the bright day after a dark night. But I didn’t say that out loud. I didn’t need to encourage him or Koa.

  “Hey.” The young surfer sped ahead of my dad and me as Hollie opened the front door.

  “Hey, Koa.” She gave him a soft smile before turning that brilliance to us. “What took you so long?” She stared at me as if the hours of separation had been difficult for her too.

  I didn’t answer, just took her in like she was doing with me. Her eyes were bright and glistening like a prize. Her hair was in a ponytail, though several strands had escaped. The tendrils were curled and damp as if she’d been working out.

  I wanted to work her out again, all right. How long had it been since I’d been inside her?

  Too fucking long, I decided with my cock swollen and aching, just from looking at her.

  “Welcome home, Tam.” Hollie stepped forward to meet him.

  She wore a sarong I’d never seen, deep crimson with a tropical floral pattern. Tucked between her voluptuous breasts, it fell to her dainty ankles, then clung to her everywhere else. It restricted her movement, much like my father’s arthritis impeded him. Chuckling, she made a joke about how tight her dress was, but the way it accentuated her curves was no laughing matter.