First Love

by Tiya Rayne

  I place the keys down on the sofa table.

  “Judging by your bitchy tone, I’m assuming you already know.”

  Damn it, Marcus! I knew he would tell her, I was just hoping he would give me more time.

  “Have you lost your mind?”

  “Can you bring your voice down?” I hiss as I take a look up the stairs making sure no one is coming down. I walk further into the room. Maya stands to her feet with her hands on her hips.

  “You are so predictable.” She shakes her head at me. “I knew when everyone started talking about how great it was to have the old Zora back that something was up.”

  “Well now you know.”

  “He’s engaged, Zora! Do you have no shame?”

  “Apparently I don’t.”

  She throws her hands up in exasperation. “Every time I think you have matured you do something else to prove me wrong.”

  “Well it’s a good thing I don’t live my life for you or care what you think about me.”

  Maya shakes her head. “You should care what people think about you. You’re sleeping with a married man.”

  “He’s not married.”

  “He’s engaged, it’s the same damn thing.”

  “Unless it’s like your engagement where you wear a ring with no intentions of ever getting married.”

  Maya’s face scrunches up like I’ve slapped her. I was being mean and I knew it, but she was being a bitch too.

  “Yeah, well I have a man that’s only mine. Can you say the same thing?”

  WOW!!

  “And for future references, don’t ever use my man as your fake boyfriend. How anyone would believe that Marcus could be yours is mind blowing, and the fact that you had to use him, makes you look pathetic.”

  “Funny, Marcus didn’t seem to complain about it. Playing my fake boyfriend was probably more attention than he has got in years.”

  Maya’s mouth open and closes. “Did he say something to you?”

  “No, you idiot. Marcus adores you. I can read between the lines of a busted relationship. You know, instead of waiting in the dark for your grown ass sister to come home, why don’t you go home and fuck your fiancé.”

  “Oh don’t be crude. Marcus and I have plenty of intercourse.”

  I shake my head at my sister. The fact that she’s calling it intercourse is scary.

  “Well then, go home and plan a goddamn wedding.”

  “You just cannot get over this whole wedding thing. You are so jealous.”

  “Jealous of what, Maya?”

  “That I’m the one getting the happily ever after. You’re just a single mom, with no future, hanging on to her ex like a leech. And at the end of the day, he’s still going to marry that other girl.”

  This was my stopping point. No more words could be exchanged between Maya and I without someone getting really hurt.

  “You know what, I’m going to go to bed. If we both stay down here, I’m not sure we will both make it out of here unscathed.”

  “Are you threatening me?”

  “No, I’m making a fucking promise, Maya. BACK OFF!”

  She shakes her head in disgust. “You can’t even have an adult conversation. You are such a child. You don’t even deserve to be a parent.”

  Those were the words that sealed my sister’s fate. In my defense, I did warn her. I swung my fist and connected with her jaw. It was the only real punch thrown that night. The rest of the fight consist of swinging arms and rolling around on the floor. By the time my mom comes down the stairs in her robe we had turned over a side table sending picture frames to the floor.

  “What on earth is going on? Girls, stop this. Charles! Charles, come quick.” My mother’s panicked voice calls out as she tries to pry me off of my sister.

  My dad’s footsteps come thundering down the stairs. They pause for only a second before he pulls me off of Maya.

  “You crazy, Bitch!” Maya shouts at me as my mom helps her to her feet.

  Her weave is tangled on top of her head. Her lip is busted and she has a few scratch marks on her face.

  “Don’t you ever talk about my daughter again.”

  “No one said anything about your daughter you psycho. She’s the only reason we want you here. We were happy when you left. All of us.”

  “Maya that’s enough.” My mother tries to quiet my sister but she’s too angry to be quieted.

  “Tell her the truth, Mama. You admitted it to me that it was a relief when she left. The only reason we want you back now is because of Peyton. No one even likes you.”

  “I said enough, Maya!” This time my mother shouts the words that silence my sister.

  The room is quiet. No one says a word, too afraid of what will happen next.

  I pull away from my father’s arms. I need fresh air. I needed to breathe. I storm out of the living room towards the door. Something on the step catches my attention. My daughter’s wide hazel eyes are staring back at me.

  “I’ll be back.” I tell her, then I walk out of my parent’s house without a backwards glance.

  Chapter Eighteen

  I went to the only place I could go. The only place I wanted to be. In his arms. I was tired of lying and running. It was time I told Luke how I really felt. I love him. God, I love him. I know I was so angry with my sister because she was right. All these years I have been stuck on Luke. It’s why there isn’t a real Calvin to show off. I was pathetic. And I was finally going to tell him the truth. I’ll break it to him slow, maybe he will forgive me. Maybe he’ll be so happy to have a daughter and to know I kept her that he’ll forget that I lied and took her away.

  I stand outside his hotel suite door. I know I look a mess. My hair is no longer in a neat afro puff. I have bleeding scratch marks on my face and arms. My sister fights like an angry cat. I look a hot mess, but I didn’t care. I just needed him. It took longer than usual for him to come to the door. The moment it opened I knew something was wrong.

  He opens the door but he’s looking over his shoulder as If he’s afraid someone is coming up behind him. “Now is not a good time.” He whispers.

  “Luke, I need to talk to you.” He turns to face me and takes in my appearance. His eyes darken and his face turns red.

  “What…..”

  “Luke, who’s at the door?” A female voice calls out from his bedroom.

  My heart stutters in my chest. It’s her. I know it’s her.

  “Just room service, Melissa.” He calls back to the voice over his shoulder.

  I take in his appearance. He’s wearing gray sweatpants. His bare chest is out and still damp with water from a shower I’m assuming. His hair is darker than usual from being wet. She comes around the corner in one of his t-shirts and nothing else on. She’s rubbing her damp hair with a towel. They had just showered together. The tears come on their own. It doesn’t matter that I knew he was engaged, seeing them together broke something in me.

  I turn away from the door, leaving my broken heart at his feet, and run.

  “Shit!” I hear Luke say. “I’ll be right back, Melissa. They need me downstairs.” He shouts right before the sound of his footsteps echo behind me. I bypass the elevator and take the stairs.

  “Zora wait!” Luke calls but I don’t wait.

  I needed to get out of here.

  Of course I couldn’t outrun a NFL quarterback. Luke catches me in the stairwell turning me around to face him.

  “Baby, don’t cry. Please don’t cry.”

  “I’m not crying.” I was so crying.

  I pull away from him and swipe at the tears on my face.

  “What happened to you?” He asks. “Did that asshole hit you?”

  “Doesn’t matter. Go back to your fiancée.”

  “Don’t do that. You know it fucking matters. Did he do this to your face?” He runs a finger over one of the bloody scratches.

  I shake my head. “No, it was Maya. They hate me, Luke. All of them. I should have never came back here.
”

  He pulls me into his arms and I let my head drop on his chest, for only a second I allow myself to take the strength I need from him. For only a second I forget that Luke isn’t mine. But then I snap back into reality. I pull away from his embrace.

  “Go back to her, Luke.” I didn’t mean for the words to come out with so much bitterness, but my heart spoke before my head could.

  “I didn’t know she was coming. She wanted to surprise me. She’s only here for two days.”

  “How convenient for you. Two girls in one day. It must be nice.” I was being a bitch.

  Luke’s body stills in front of me. “She’s my fiancée. I didn’t complain when you left my bed for three weeks to go back to your policeman.”

  See, I didn’t have a leg to stand on, but try to tell my irrational brain that.

  I again angrily wipe away at the tears on my face. “Unlike you, I can control myself. One man at a time is enough for me.”

  He shakes his head and a smile slips on his lips. It isn’t a happy or friendly smile, more like a fed up smirk.

  “You knew I had a fiancée. You also knew that this thing between us was temporary, you said it yourself. What do you want from me Zora?”

  I wanted him, but I couldn’t say that because he was right. No matter how much I wanted it, I couldn’t be with Luke. I made that decision eight years ago. I gave up any chance I had to be with Luke when I let him go and kept Peyton. I chose my baby girl over him. I can’t have them both.

  “Go back upstairs, Luke.”

  “No, not when you’re hurting.”

  “Like you care about me. You couldn’t even wait 24 hours to fuck her? God, I had just left your damn room, my come is still on the fucking sheets, you pig.”

  “Hey, don’t lash out at me because you’re jealous and hurting.”

  “Jealous? You want to talk about jealous? Jealous is you calling me over to fuck my brains out just because you saw me out with another man.”

  “You’re goddamn right I was jealous.” He yells. “I’m jealous of everybody that’s in your life, because that’s where I wanted to be. With you is where I had planned to live my life, but you took that away. So don’t cry to me about me fucking my fiancée. She wanted me when you didn’t.” Luke turns away from me running his hands through his damp hair.

  Finally his words were able to dry up my tears. He was right. I had no right to cry to him.

  I look down at my hands twisting together.

  “You’re right.” My weak voice says.

  Luke turns back to me. His hazel eyes blur with unshed tears.

  “Zora, I’m….”

  I hold up my hand because he didn’t need to apologize. I did. I was in the wrong. I let my feelings get in the way.

  “Goodbye, Luke!” I turn and run down the stairs.

  This time there are no following footsteps that echo.

  This was the end of the road for Luke and I. As I said before, our story was not a romance.

  **************

  “Mommy are you listening to me?”

  I look up in the rearview mirror to find her eyes on me. I had just got back from taking her and my nephews out for ice cream. They were all a sticky mess in the back seat.

  “No, Sweetheart, what did you say?”

  Peyton huffs. “Are you ok?”

  She asks me this question every two minutes. It’s been five days since Luke and my argument in that stairwell. He’s texted me a few times, asking if I was ok and could we talk. I have ignored him. No longer will I be Luke’s leech. I was setting him free, again. Hopefully this time I will set myself free as well. I can’t say it didn’t hurt. I felt worse than the first time.

  “Peyton, I’m fine.” I assure my daughter for the hundredth time.

  When I got back to my parents’ house the day of Maya and My fight, both my parents and my daughter was sitting on the couch together waiting on me. The moment I walked in, Peyton pleaded with me not to make her leave. She wasn’t ready to go back to Chicago. It had crossed my mind. I was ready to tuck my tail and run. My mother admitted to saying she was glad I was gone. She told me it was because she was angry with me after watching my father sink further into depression. She was vehement that she didn’t mean the words at the time and that she was glad that I was back. I wasn’t sure I believed her, but I agreed to stay for Peyton. I promised her two more weeks. That was it.

  “You’re not happy anymore.” My daughter admits quietly.

  I check her face in the rearview mirror and she’s staring down at her hands.

  “I’m happy.”

  “Not like before. Last week you played board games and laughed a lot. You don’t laugh anymore.”

  Jesus, I was scarring this kid.

  “If it will make you happy again, we can go back to Chicago.”

  I can tell by the sadness in her voice she did not want that at all. I glance at my sleeping nephews, before turning back to the road. I pull the car into my parents’ driveway and turn it off.

  I turn in my seat to face her. “I’m happy, Baby. I’m happy because I have you and you make me happier than anything in this world.” I sigh before continuing. “Being home has been pretty emotional for me. Sometimes those emotions make me smile and sometimes they make me cry, but I need this time home as much as you do.”

  “So you won’t be happier if we went back home?”

  “No!” And that was the truth.

  I would only take my heartache and pain back home with me. At least here, my daughter is around her family, and it allowed me time to wallow in my pain alone.

  Peyton helps me get the boys out of the car as we make our way into the house. The sound of crying greets me. I turn the corner into the living room to find my sister sobbing uncontrollably into my mother’s lap.

  “What’s going on?”

  “Are you ok, Aunt Maya?” Peyton and I both ask at the same time.

  “Don’t tell her anything. She doesn’t care.” My sister sobs louder.

  “Whatever, Maya.” I say, shrugging. “Come on guys, let’s get you something to….”

  “Actually,” My mom cuts me off. “I think you should stay and talk to your sister.” My mom’s eyes pleads with me to take the bait. I really didn’t want to. She slips Maya out of her lap and stands to her feet. “Come on, babies. Let grandma get you cleaned up. Did you eat the ice cream or swim in it?” My mom says taking baby Kendric out of my arms. He giggles when she kisses his chubby cheeks. She takes Keaton’s hand and heads out of the room.

  “Peyton go with them, ok?” I encourage my curious daughter to leave the room.

  She looks up at me with worried eyes. I wasn’t sure if she was worried about her aunt crying, or that I would kick her ass again. I nod my head letting her know that all was ok. Peyton walks out of the room. I place my camera bag and keys down on the sofa table and sit on the love seat across from Maya. We both just look at each other.

  “Did he leave?” I ask after taking in her tears.

  I knew those tears, I’ve cried them enough. They are the tears of a broken heart.

  Maya snarls. “Because of you.”

  “Me?”

  “Yes, you came home putting all that doubt in his head about setting a damn wedding date. Then when he told me about you and….” She lowers her voice before she says Luke’s name. Thankfully she didn’t admit to my parents why we got into it that night. “Luke. He was mad because I confronted you about it. He said that he never would have told me if I was going to throw it in your face. You ruin everything.”

  Now why did my mom think she and I should talk?

  I take a breath and blow it out before I speak. “Ok, Maya. If you want someone to blame for your relationship tanking, then go ahead and blame me. It wouldn’t be the first time I was blamed for your piss poor decisions. But while you are so busy trying to find someone to blame, just know that your man is gone.”

  “Fuck you, Zora!”

  “Now that wasn’t
a very educated response.”

  “I should have known you wouldn’t be serious.” Maya grabs her purse off the couch and goes to stand. I cut her off.

  “Sit down.” I demand. “How can I be serious when you’re here crying over bullshit? You want your man back, set a fucking date for your wedding.”

  “We have a plan…..”

  “Fuck the goddamn plan, Maya. Jesus Christ, when are you going to get out of the library? What else are you going to sacrifice for your goals? You worked your ass off in school to get that white coat, but when do you start living. When does all the hard work start to pay off?” I finally bring my voice down, not wanting my parents to over react to my yelling and come running in here.

  “You were right the other night. I am jealous of you. Not your success or your degrees. I’m jealous because you have a man that adores you. Maya, that man loves you so much it pours out of him whenever he is around you. I can barely stand to be in the same room with you two. And all he wants is you. Yes I’m jealous because guess what, he can have you. He can come to your parents’ house and sit with the family. He can go on grocery runs for your mom and sit and talk about sports with your dad. He can do all the things that Luke couldn’t do. And you don’t even want it.”

  “I want it.” Her voice sounds so vulnerable.

  It is the first time I’ve ever heard her sound that way. I stand from my seat and sit down beside her. I grab a few Kleenex out of the box in front of me and hand it to her.

  “Well, if you want it, big sis, you need to go get it. I’m going to give you some advice that I wish someone would have given me long ago, fight for your man. Fight for something other than those goals. I’m not telling you to give up being the leader of pediatricians.”

  Maya laughs through her nose. “Head of pediatrics.” She corrects.

  I smile. “That too. Look, I’m not telling you to give that up if it’s what you want, but you don’t have to put everything off to get it. Live a little. You may be surprised how happy it makes you.”

  My sister smiles at me and shakes her head. “I think we are bonding.” She grimaces and then laughs.

  “Something like that.”