A Grimm Warning

by Chris Colfer

  An angry murmur broke out among the elves. The twins could see how outraged the empress was to hear this, but instead of getting angry, Elvina batted her eyelashes and a smile came to her face.

  “Help?” She laughed. “You want our help? Did everyone hear that? The fairies have sent children to ask us for our help.”

  Only a few of the elves laughed with her. The rest of the chamber glared at Alex and Conner. They weren’t making any friends.

  “Look, Empress Tree Lady,” Conner said. “We understand you’re still upset that the elves weren’t included in the Happily Ever After Assembly, but if we don’t work together, the Grande Armée will destroy us all—”

  “My dear boy,” the empress said, and all the amusement faded from her face. “Is that what they told you—that we were upset because we weren’t invited to join their little fairy club? Well, if so, it appears they’ve re-written history.”

  Alex and Conner exchanged a concerned look. “Then what else are you mad about?” Conner asked.

  The empress knew their ignorance wasn’t their fault and decided to educate them.

  “The elves were tormented by dragons during the Dragon Age just as much as any other race,” she explained. “Our ancestors helped the fairies defeat the dragons. Once the dragons were gone and the world entered the peaceful era of the Age of Magic, the fairies forgot everything we had done for them. They divided the world up among the surviving species. The humans were given several vast kingdoms but the elves were given only a tiny unlivable piece of land isolated from everyone else. We had been ostracized just as much as the trolls and goblins, but for no reason other than not being human.”

  The twins had never heard about this before. They’d always assumed the elves lived in the far northwest because they wanted to.

  “When the elves objected to our assigned home, the fairies ignored us, and because the elves questioned them we weren’t invited to join the Happily Ever After Assembly,” Empress Elvina continued. “The northwest was full of predators that hunted elves, and witches that picked our bodies apart for potions, but the elves had no choice but to live here. Our ancestors grew this giant tree and built this empire high in its branches, far away from the dangers. And we’ve been here ever since.”

  Alex and Conner didn’t know what to say. Could they apologize for something that happened so long ago?

  “Well, you guys really screwed us over last year when you surrendered to the Enchantress!” Conner said, and folded his arms. “So I think we’re even.”

  “Why were we expected to clean up a mess we didn’t create?” the empress asked. “There is no difference between the Enchantress and this army—they’re both your problems. The humans and fairies want to choose which issues the elves are involved in based on what’s convenient for them—”

  Alex interrupted her before the situation became worse. “Your Majesty, every nation will always remember history differently, and that’s just how it is,” she said. “We all live in the same world and it won’t do anyone any good if we continue to play this game of who was the bigger jerk for eternity. Right now, more than ever, this world needs to stand united against a force that threatens us all. We weren’t expecting you to cooperate just because we asked you to, so I’m willing to offer you something in return if you help us fight the Grande Armée.”

  “And what is that?” the empress asked mockingly.

  “Yeah, what is that?” Conner asked, just as curious.

  Alex knew she was going to regret making this offer for the rest of her life but they were running out of time. “Once this Armée is destroyed with the help of the elves, as the new Fairy Godmother I will abolish the Happily Ever After Assembly,” she declared.

  The entire chamber was astonished to hear this come from her mouth.

  “What?” Conner shrieked.

  “What did you just say?” the empress asked.

  “You heard me,” Alex said. “The Happily Ever After Assembly is unfair, it’s exclusive, and it has proven to be inefficient in times of crisis. This world needs to march into the future together. So I’m inviting you to help me build a fresh and more inclusive assembly. Join me in creating the Happily Forever After Assembly.”

  This was shocking news to everyone in the room—especially to Alex. She had never dreamed of starting a new assembly to unite the fairy-tale world, but she knew the idea of one would be the only way to get the elf empress’s attention.

  The empress sauntered even closer to the twins. The whole empire was on pins and needles waiting to hear her answer.

  “If the elves join this new assembly, I want to lead it,” Empress Elvina said.

  “You should have stuck with shoes, Alex!” Conner said. He slapped his palm against his forehead.

  “The new assembly won’t have a leader,” Alex said. “But you can manage it with me. The assembly will look to the Fairy Godmother and the empress of the elves for guidance and we will advise them together.”

  Alex offered her hand to the empress. Elvina sneered down at it; she had never trusted a human before, but she knew Alex was a woman of her word. Empress Elvina shook Alex’s hand and the deal was made. There was no going back now.

  “My army is at your disposal, Fairy Godmother,” the empress said with a small bow.

  “Terrific,” Alex said. She looked over at her brother, who sighed with as much relief as she did. Now that the elves were on their side, they could actually win this war.

  “Now I want the Elf Army to follow me into the Fairy Kingdom immediately,” Alex said. “I’ll signal the other armies throughout the kingdoms to join us and we’ll strike the Grande Armée before they—”

  A deafening noise filled the giant tree as it was hit with a cannonball that blew part of the tree trunk to bits. The twins and the elves hit the ground, and sunlight filled the dark chamber, pouring in from the enormous hole that had just been created. They were too late—the Grande Armée had started their attack.

  Another thunderous sound erupted as another cannonball hit the tree, followed by another and another.

  “What’s happening?” the elf empress screamed.

  “It’s the Grande Armée!” Conner yelled. “They’re here! The Elf Empire is under attack!”

  The elves started to panic and ran around the tree in hysterics.

  “Everyone remain calm!” Elvina shouted. “I want everyone to climb to safety at once! Our army will stay behind and fight these invaders!”

  Alex looked to her brother like a deer in headlights—in a matter of seconds their entire plan had gone astray.

  “Conner, what do we do now?” Alex asked. “We need the elves to go with us so we can strike the Armée as a whole!”

  “We have to get out of here and come up with a new plan, then!” Conner said. “If the Armée is attacking, I doubt the elves are the only ones they’re targeting!”

  “But the elves!” Alex pleaded. “We need them if we want to win!”

  “We don’t have a choice! We need to leave now!”

  Conner grabbed Lester’s reins and forced his sister onto the large bird. He climbed on the goose’s back himself and they flew higher into the hollow tree. A cannon blasted a hole through the trunk near the top and Conner steered Lester through it and outside the giant tree.

  The twins could see a thousand soldiers and hundreds of ogres surrounding the Elf Empire’s tree. The soldiers re-directed their cannons toward Lester and the twins as soon as they were spotted emerging from the tree. The ogres grabbed boulders from the ground and threw them at the goose along with the cannonballs.

  Lester squawked in terror as he narrowly dodged the cannonballs and boulders jetting toward him. He flew as fast as he could away from the Elf Empire’s tree. They created a distraction as the Elf Army began firing their crossbows at the soldiers from inside the tree. The citizens of the Elf Empire also began dropping giant acorns and twigs on the Grande Armée from the branches above them.

  Just when the twins
thought they had flown out of the cannons’ reach, a rogue cannonball bolted through the sky and blasted through Lester’s right wing. The gander squawked in pain and he and the twins began rapidly descending toward the trees on the horizon. Lester flapped his left wing as hard as he could but it wasn’t enough to keep them in the sky.

  They crashed hard onto the forest ground. The twins were thrown off Lester’s back and into separate directions through the trees. Conner hit a tree and then landed in a large shrub underneath it. Alex skidded across a grassy field and heard a crunch underneath her. When she came to a stop she reached for her wand but it had snapped into several pieces in her pocket.

  Alex and Conner were too wounded to get to their feet. They both had broken several bones in their bodies from the crash. They heard Lester squawking in the distance—he was perhaps in even more pain than they were. They heard the attack on the Elf Empire continuing in the distance but there was nothing they could do. They looked at the trees around them and wondered where they had landed but their vision faded away as they both slowly lost consciousness.

  The war had begun.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  THE FORGOTTEN ARMY

  The Grande Armée’s divided troops spread out across the fairy-tale world to attack the kingdoms they had been assigned. Hundreds of Armée soldiers and trolls crossed into the Charming Kingdom preparing to take the capital by storm.

  Xanthous hovered in the air high above the spirals of the Charming Palace clock tower and saw the soldiers marching in the distance. The moment they had feared the most had come—the Charming Kingdom was facing its first attack and its defenses were outnumbered. Xanthous pointed his finger into the air and a fiery flare shot from it. It signaled Sir Lampton and his men below and they quickly assembled on the front lawns of the Charming Palace.

  “How many are there?” Sir Lampton asked Xanthous as he descended to the lawns.

  “They outnumber us by a few hundred trolls,” the fairy said. “The stakes are high but it could be much worse.”

  “We must signal the other half of our army to come out of hiding,” Sir Lampton said. “If they only outnumber us by trolls, we could win this battle! Not as many of my men will have to lose their lives today.”

  “Lampton, we can’t,” Xanthous said. “We have to fight the Armée off with the men we have while we wait for the signal. Trust me, this is only the first battle we’ll face and if we use all our forces now, there may be no one left to fight the horrors of tomorrow.”

  Sir Lampton’s face grew serious and he stepped closer to him. “How am I supposed to tell these men they’re about to die in battle while their brothers stay in hiding?”

  “We may not win this battle but if we want to win the war we have to follow the plan,” Xanthous said.

  Sir Lampton reluctantly nodded. “God, I hope that little girl’s plan works,” he said to himself.

  “Me too, sir,” Xanthous said. “I don’t want to think about what the world will look like if we fail.”

  Sir Lampton mounted his horse and rode it through the lines of Charming soldiers. “My good men,” he shouted. “The enemy has arrived in our beautiful home sooner than we expected. We may be outnumbered by soldiers and by trolls, but they can never outmatch us in heart, in courage, or in love for our country!” Lampton withdrew his sword and raised it high above his head. “Let’s be the first ones to show these monsters that the Charming Kingdom is not for sale! Let’s give them a taste of the Charming Army so they cower in fear when our brothers return from hiding to finish them off!”

  The Charming soldiers all raised their swords with him. They cheered Lampton’s words even though they knew the odds of surviving this battle were against them. Like true soldiers, they turned their fear into bravery and courageously faced the oncoming threat to protect the country they loved.

  “But we’re not outnumbered!” a voice called out from behind the soldiers.

  Lampton and his soldiers turned toward the voice and they saw it wasn’t alone. Slowly emerging from behind the Charming Palace and from the streets surrounding the capital were hundreds and hundreds of civilians. The men and women carried pots and pans, pitchforks and hoes, rolling pins and knives, scissors and shears, mops and buckets. They were bakers and farmers, locksmiths and seamstresses, teachers and butchers, maids and butlers—and they all had come to stand proudly with the soldiers of their kingdom.

  “What’s going on?” Xanthous asked the civilians.

  “We’ve come to join the fight!” a farmer declared, and all the men and women of his party cheered.

  “This is our home, too!” a seamstress yelled.

  “We won’t let our kingdom fall into the hands of anyone else but our king and queen,” a butcher shouted.

  Their enthusiasm befuddled the soldiers. In his entire military career, Sir Lampton had never seen anything like this before. The Charming citizens were perhaps more eager to fight the Armée than the soldiers were.

  “Ladies and gentlemen,” Lampton shouted, gesturing for them to quiet down. “We respect your intentions, but this is a matter for the Charming Army and we morally cannot ask this of you!”

  A maid dramatically looked around at her crowd of servants. “Asked? Was anyone here asked to fight for this kingdom?” she said. “I don’t have to be asked—I’m here of my own accord because I want to protect my home and I’m not leaving until the Armée is gone!”

  The civilians burst into a thunderous roar. Their enthusiasm was unyielding. Nothing Lampton said or did was going to convince them to leave.

  Xanthous looked at Lampton and shrugged. “It won’t hurt to have more numbers,” he said.

  Sir Lampton gazed around at the willing crowd. His army had almost doubled right before his eyes. It was a sight that warmed him to the center of his heart. The people he had spent his entire life loyally protecting had come to his aid. They cared about their kingdom’s prosperity as much as he did.

  Lampton raised his sword to the bigger and stronger army now surrounding him. “Then let us fight these invaders together and show them what the Charming Army and the Charming Kingdom are made of!” he declared.

  The soldiers of the Charming Army raised their swords, their brooms, their rakes, their hammers, their rolling pins, their knitting needles, and whatever other objects they had brought with them for battle. They cheered so loudly together the sound was heard miles away and the soldiers and trolls of the approaching Armée quivered in their boots.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  THE HEALING FLAMES OF HAGETTA’S FIRE

  Conner wasn’t expecting to wake up. When Lester crashed into the forest, he figured it was the end. He hoped that the Happily Ever After Assembly could win the war without them, and if they did, he hoped he and his sister would be remembered as war heroes. The last image in his head as he slowly lost consciousness was the statue they would erect in his honor. The statue was much taller and more muscular than he was in real life and the sculptor had added a cleft in his chin—it was exactly how Conner wanted to be remembered.

  But to Conner’s surprise—he woke up. His eyelids slowly opened and his blurry vision took a moment to adjust. He was lying on a cot in a small and cluttered cottage. A large wooden table and an iron cauldron were in the center of the cottage and a thick stack of mirrors had been placed between them. The walls were filled from floor to ceiling with shelves of jars: jars of dirt, sand, plants, flowers, colorful liquids, insects, small reptiles, and pieces of bigger animals, like pig ears and cow hooves. A small fire of peach-colored flames burned in a tiny brick fireplace.

  “Where am I?” he asked himself. He felt a tingling on the side of his torso and looked down to see his entire left side was engulfed in the same peach-colored flames. “AHHH! I’m on fire! I’m on fire!”

  Conner screamed and looked around the cottage for something to extinguish them. He didn’t see anything and beat the flames with his sleeves. He figured his whole body was in shock since he
didn’t feel any pain.

  A woman appeared from another room in the cottage and rushed to Conner’s side.

  “Calm down,” the woman said, and grabbed his hands. “You’re doing more damage than the fire is,” she said. The woman was middle-aged and wore dark red robes. Her hair was the same color as her robes and she had bright green eyes.

  “What’s happening to me?” Conner yelled.

  “You broke your ribs in the fall,” the woman said. “The fire is healing you.”

  “The fire is healing me?” he asked.

  The woman walked to the fireplace. “It’s a magic fire. Look,” she said, and held her hand over the flames. They flickered around her hand but didn’t burn her. “See? Are you satisfied?”

  Conner stopped panicking but he was anything but relaxed. Seeing his body covered in flames was incredibly unsettling, however helpful they were.

  “Did you see us crash?” Conner asked the woman.

  “Yes,” the woman said. “You were all hurt pretty bad. I brought you back here to heal your wounds before they got worse. You’re in the Dwarf Forests, but don’t worry, you’re safe in my cottage.”

  “Where’s my sister? Is she all right?” Conner asked.

  “She’s banged up worse than you but she’s coming around,” the woman said.

  The woman moved her cauldron out of the way so Conner could see his sister resting peacefully on a cot behind it. Alex’s leg and wrist were covered in flames healing her broken bones.

  “Who are you?” Conner asked. “Are you a witch?”

  “My name is Hagetta,” the woman said. “I prefer the term healer these days, but yes, I’m a witch.”

  Her name instantly rang a bell. “Hagetta?” he repeated. “Any relation to the witch named Hagatha?”

  Hagetta nodded. “She was my much older sister,” she said. “Hagatha taught me everything I know about witchcraft. But I was never interested in dark magic like she was, so we parted ways shortly before she died.”