“I’ve got to go see her. I need to explain. Fuck…” Standing, I pat my trousers, finding my keys.
“That’s not a good idea, Garrett.” Ryan exchanges a quick look with Gabe before walking toward me. “She doesn’t want to see you. Or hear from you.”
“It’s not pretty, man. It’s best if you don’t see her right now.”
“Why the hell not? If I explain, maybe tell her what happened, everything might blow over and go back to the way it was before.” My words are riddled with denial.
Gabe runs his hands through his hair with a groan. “Stop burying your head in the sand and fucking wake up to yourself! Ellie doesn’t want to see you or be near you right now. And if you try to see her, you’ll have to go through Mia, Katie, Nic, and everyone else that cares about her.” Walking over to me, Gabe pauses a foot away. “That includes me. I honestly thought by going out tonight, I could figure where your head was at… see if you truly cared for her. And man? If you don’t even know, then how are we supposed to believe you? You fucked up, man. And you fucked up big time.”
Gabe looks over his shoulder at Ryan, who nods his head to the boxes and bags at the doorway. “I’ll take a bag or two. You alright with the rest?”
The next moment, Ryan is walking with an armful of bags out of the apartment—not even glancing back to say goodbye. How can they take Ellie’s side over mine? They’re supposed to be my friends.
“Garrett, I’m going to need you to leave.”
“What?” I turn to Gabe who is standing near the door, his fingers reaching for the remaining bags.
“You need to leave. I need to lock up, and you can’t stay here. I’m sorry, man.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me.”
He shakes his head. “I’m really not. Head back to your apartment. Take some time to think. Figure out what you’re going to do to win that girl back, because if you don’t, you’ve lost the best thing that’s ever happened to you.”
I reluctantly follow as Ryan drags the final boxes toward the elevator before locking the door to Ellie’s lifeless apartment. I wait with him outside the elevator.
“I don’t know shit about relationships, but I do know a lot about women,” he says quietly. “Let her have some time before you try to see her.”
The elevator arrives, and he steps inside. But as the doors slide closed, he catches them. “And Garrett? Really think about whether you want her in your life or not. You both deserve to know that answer.”
The doors close and I’m left alone.
As if on autopilot, I walk to my apartment, unlocking the front door and closing it behind me. Darkness greets me as I continue over to the liquor cabinet, pulling out a bottle of scotch.
Taking a pull directly from the bottle, I open the balcony doors, the cool air caressing my burning skin. Sitting on the ground with my back against the cold glass, I stare at the sky, taking another swig from the bottle. The burn the only thing I feel.
Seconds turn to minutes, and minutes turn to hours as I finish the bottle, the last bit of warmth in my life, gone. “God, I’m a fucking idiot.”
My mind drifts to Ellie, picturing her smile, her laugh, the way she’d get so flustered she’d babble nonsense for minutes before blushing. The ache in my chest grows as if I’m missing a part of my soul. I haven’t felt like this since… My mom’s bright smile flashes through my mind, and the pain in my chest grows when I remember the last time I saw it.
She’d just had another round of treatment and even lying in bed, looking shallow and sick, her thirst for life was astonishing. I could never understand how she could still smile and be so positive when she was so exhausted and in pain. But I should have known better.
And I should have known I would lose Ellie too. Just as suddenly. Just as unforgivably.
And for the first time since then, I start to cry.
16
Ellie
“Sweetie, it’s been a week since you moved in. Don’t you think it’s about time you showered? I can smell you all the way down in my office.”
Sitting up in bed, I rub my eyes, still blurry from sleep. “It’s really been a week?” I remember moving into the apartment above Mia’s office building, but not much else after that. Time has just flown in between sleeping, crying into tubs of ice cream, and finishing off that damned novella… at least they paid me.
My eyes move toward the printout of the manuscript lying on the carpet next to the bed. My heart lurches in my chest as the story flows through me like a bitter memory; a woman learns to heal through opening herself up, trying new things, and falling in love. I huff, my chest tightening as I focus on Mia. At least she got a happy ending.
Concern pulls at Mia’s face as she checks me over. “Yeah, Ellie. You’ve been here for a week.”
“I guess time flies when you’re having fun.” I choke out a laugh, barely recognizing the tinny sound of my voice.
Mia groans. “That’s it—I’m not working today. We’re going to get you watered and fed, and then we’re going outside for some sun.”
I watch Mia walk over to the closet and start rifling through my clothes. “So I’ve somehow become a plant in the past week? Please tell me I at least turned into a lily?”
“Yes. You’re definitely lily-white. Now, go shower. We’re going out.” After flinging a pair of underwear and a bra at me, she throws a pair of skinny jeans and a cute, pink off-the-shoulder sweater onto the bed.
Doesn’t Mia have editing to do? The reading is in three weeks, and the launch is not far from that. “Mia? I know you’ve been coming up here to take care of Georgie and me—and I really appreciate that—but you can’t let the business come crashing down. I’ll shower, get dressed, eat, then go for a walk. Don’t worry about me.”
Mia bites her lip, worry and the need to work warring on her face. “Are you sure? Because it’s fine. I can cram the editing in somewhere. It’s no big deal.”
I raise my eyebrow at her. “It’s no big deal, huh? Since when has Mia ‘Workaholic’ Sinclair slacked off from her job?”
Sighing, she comes closer, but then scrunches her nose and steps back. “You’re right. Come see me after you shower. Maybe do it twice.” Glancing down at my legs, her eyes widen. “Maybe shave too while you’re at it. If I hear reports of a gorilla on the loose, I’ll know it’s you.”
I throw a pillow at her but laugh. “Bitch.”
“You know it.” She winks, then her cheeky grin falls to something softer. “It’s good to see you smiling again.”
I pick at the imaginary lint on my wrinkled shorts. “It feels good. I feel… good?”
Mia laughs. “After sleeping and eating for a week, I think anyone would feel good.”
I nod. “True. Now get going, I’ll see you downstairs. This gorilla needs to shower… and de-fur.”
Shaking her head, Mia leaves me alone in my new room. With clean white walls, wooden flooring. and monotone accents and furniture, it’s bland—and perfect. Well, perfect for now. The blandness helps me think. There’s nothing to distract me, to pull me from my thoughts. It’s like watching the ocean. Calming. Peaceful. Serene.
But I want—no, need—color back in my life. I don’t want to see the world in black and white anymore. Looking around the room, I can picture my paintings on the walls, the mismatched cushions on the bed and Georgie’s neon toys strewn across the floor. I’ll unpack. After a shower. And maybe after washing the sheets. The smell of sweat and light body odor waft from them, my nose crinkling at the smell.
Stripping off my clothes, I toss them into the hamper before setting the water on devil-burning hot. I sigh as it splashes against my skin, sliding like silk down my body. Squeezing some shampoo into my hands, the smell of peaches tickles my nose and my thoughts instantly go to Garrett. Should I go and see him? Officially end whatever it was that we were? I feel like I could do with the closure.
Washing my hair and my body, I shave. Then, feeling mostly human again, I step out of th
e shower and wrap a fluffy white towel around my pink skin. My foggy reflection stares back at me as I swipe my hand across the mirror, the condensation trickling down the glass.
Even though I feel different, I still look the same. The same hair. The same face. The same scars. But my eyes aren’t as bright as they were before the events of last week.
Getting dressed feels normal. Brushing my teeth, fixing my hair into a bun, and applying a little makeup all feel normal. My mind turns to Garrett; thoughts of him a muddled mixture of love and hate, longing and betrayal. Can you love someone and also wish you’d never met them? My heart flips at the thought of never knowing Garrett, and the dull, heaviness in my chest grows as I regret my words.
Once upon a time, I’d been the type of woman to forgive too easily. Always putting everyone’s needs above my own. Even though I love Garrett, I can’t risk being hurt. Not again. Not anymore.
Picking up my waffle, ice-cream handbag and the novella manuscript, I hit the pavement while my resolve is still strong, walking as fast as my feet can carry me. Before long, I’m standing outside his building, sweating and panting.
My heart clenches as I take in the spot where I broke down, the memory burned into my brain. People must have thought I was insane.
My eyes travel the height of the building as I picture Garrett inside; his beautiful smile, the way his eyes sparkle whenever I ramble, the way his arms tighten as they close around me, the way he smelled like home… My heart jumps into my throat, choking my airway.
I can do this. Before I can persuade myself otherwise, I head through the glass doors, waving at the shocked receptionist before hitting the elevator button for the tenth floor. What the hell am I doing? Why am I confronting him now? I guess I didn’t really think this through, but all I can focus handing over this story and letting him go. As they say, once one chapter finishes, another begins.
My heart pounds as the elevator doors open, and I step onto the tenth floor. Memories of those men laughing, humiliating me, plague my mind. My heart breaks a little more, the humiliation trying to drown me in despair and sadness.
Pulling the strap of my handbag closer to me, I embrace the strength of every strong woman I know—Mia, Katie, Betty, Doris—hoping that some of it will rub off on me.
Turning right, I avoid looking at the meeting rooms as I hurry past, my eyes focusing on Garrett’s office door as I draw near. Garrett’s assistant’s eyes widen with shock as I wave, opening the door without invitation.
I stop.
Leaning against the floor to ceiling window and staring out over the incredible view, Garrett’s expression, reflected on the glass, is forlorn. He creates the perfect picture of someone who belongs on the cover of a magazine; achingly handsome, powerful, and unattainable. I should have realized that from the start. Garrett was the type of man you look at, but don’t ever touch.
Closing the door behind me, I lock it, my hands shaking on the knob. I can do this. Drawing in a deep breath, I walk over to Garrett’s desk, dropping my handbag with a loud bang that startles him from his thoughts. Spinning around, the frown on his face morphs from surprise, to hope, then to wariness.
“Ellie.” The reverence in his tone has me wincing as he reaches out to touch me. But his hand drops when his eyes roam over my face.
“I have come to formally request that you remove my review from your website.”
He strides over to me, his familiar, spicy cologne, stopping my heart, almost bringing me to my knees. “Ellie, please let me—”
Holding up my hand, I look Garrett dead in the eyes, taking a deep breath. I can do this. “I haven’t come here to talk to you about us. Or whatever the hell we were. I came because I want that recording gone. I have a live reading in three weeks, and I can’t have that being aired when people could recognize me.”
“It’s already gone. I took it down a week ago—when I found out.”
I purse my lips, my eyes falling. Then I look back at him. “Thank you. Good luck with everything Garrett. I truly mean that.” Nodding, I pick up my handbag, then stop and pull the wad of papers from it. My heart beating against my chest. “Here’s a copy of the novella you commissioned. Mia has also emailed it to you; please send any revisions to her. I hope it fulfills what you had in mind.”
Garrett nods sadly. “I’m sure it will.”
I go to hand the papers to him, but he doesn’t move. So I let them flop onto his desk with a slap. Why does seeing him again have to be so hard?
But before I can turn away, Garrett wraps me in his arms, the warmth and smell of him messing with my mind. I remain stiff though, and soon, he lets go, holding me at arm’s length to study my face.
“That’s it? Ellie, please let me explain.”
I stare into the eyes of the man that I grew to love and have grown to hate. Regret and remorse swirl in his blue eyes, while betrayal and hurt reflect in mine. A consuming and restricting burn bubbles and spreads through my chest, choking and suffocating me as tears threaten my eyes.
“I know what happened, Garrett,” I say dryly. “You used me. I opened myself up to you, and you took that trust and tore it to pieces just to sell more of your goddamn products.”
“Ellie, please, you don’t under—”
“No, you don’t understand, Garrett,” I say, my voice rising and my skin heating. “I walked into your office that day ready to tell you that I loved you, and do you know what I heard? I heard myself blowing you. My moans were playing loud and clear through loud-speakers in front of a crowd of men, laughing and jeering at how stupid and naïve I was. How I must have been a good cocksucker to blow you like that.” My voice quiets. “They called me a slut, Garrett. I expected that from Michael, but you?”
Garrett’s mouth falls open. “Ellie, I didn’t—”
“But it was because of you that they did.” Stepping closer, I glare into his eyes, watching him flinch at their intensity. “Do you know what that’s like? To be laid bare for people to pick you apart, to say horrible disgusting things about you. What they’d like to do to you until they’ve had their fill. Relishing in your moment of bliss, not even realizing that the one person you’re supposed to trust—to count on—is behind it all?” My voice cracks.
“Ellie, please let me explain…”
“I think you’ve done more than enough, Garrett.” Stepping back, I draw in a shaky breath. “Please just… make sure that the voice review is gone from your website. I just want it gone.”
“I told you, it’s gone,” Garrett watches me, his eyebrows parted and eyes wide. “Ellie, I love—”
“No.” I stop him. “You don’t. If this is what love is, then I don’t want any part of it. After everything that I’ve gone through, everything that I’ve been through, I deserve so much love and happiness—I deserve better.”
Steeling my spine, I swipe at a tear on the verge of falling. “I hope you find whatever it is that you’re looking for, Garrett. I truly do.”
I glance down at the rumpled papers on his desk. “There’s your story. Consider this ‘The End’.”
With every shred of courage and dignity that I have left, I hold my head high as I walk out of his office, away from the man that had claimed every fiber of my being, owned every dark and beautiful part of my soul.
He came into my life like a wild and all-consuming storm. But every storm passes, leaving behind varying degrees of destruction, panic, and thankfulness. Breeding survivors. And that’s what I have to do. Survive the aftermath of Garret fucking Warner.
“Hey, sweetie. You’re looking… well.” Betty eyes my clean clothes, pausing at the redness in my eyes.
“You look like shit, Ellie. Mom was just being nice.”
I give Rebecca a watery laugh as Betty swats her daughter with a tea towel.
“She didn’t mean that.” Turning back to me, Betty looks me in the eyes, her gaze searching. “What happened? Is everything okay?”
Sighing, I wrap my arms around Rebecca, resting my
chin on her shoulder. “Yeah… I’m okay. I just saw Garrett.”
“Oh dear.”
“Did you punch him in the balls?”
“Rebecca!”
“What? You were probably thinking it. And Dad said it.” Tilting her head, her eyes find mine. She smirks. “And a lot worse.”
I snicker along with her, giving her a quick hug which she happily returns. I’ll never get used to this. Giving her a tight squeeze, I pull back, the most serene and peaceful wave washes through me, taking with it the darkness clouding my heart.
“So, how did it go? Did he cry and beg for forgiveness?”
Laughing, I retrieve a brownie and a carrot cupcake from the display case before taking a seat at the nearest table, the golden rays of the setting sun lighting a path through Betty’s bakery.
“No. He didn’t cry and beg for forgiveness.” Rolling my eyes, I shake my head, a smile pulling at my lips. “I went because I needed closure. To say goodbye. And to see about some unfinished business.”
“Why would you need to do that?” Rebecca hops down into the seat next to mine, taking a bite of my cupcake, the crumbs scattering across the table.
“Because she still loves him.” A lump reforms in my throat as Betty’s words hit home.
“I do.” Playing with my brownie, I break it apart. “Betty… do you think I’m making a mistake? I feel like I shouldn’t be this… empty inside. But I am.” Lifting my eyes, I stare into hers, the lump bobbing in my throat. “How do you forgive someone when they’ve broken your trust?”
Betty purses her lips, a light frown playing on her face. “Rebecca, can you go and finish tidying up the kitchen?”
“But, Mom—”
“Now, Rebecca.” Betty’s eyes narrow as she waits for her daughter to leave the table.
“Fine.” Pushing away, Rebecca heads through the doors to the kitchen, out of sight.
“Now, what I’m about to tell you, I don’t want you to mention this to Paul—or the girls.”
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