by B. B. Hamel
“He’s a chiropractor,” I said, not pretending like I didn’t know him. That’d be stupid. She clearly knew that much already. “My parents took me to see him when I was younger.”
“Did you see him often?”
“A few times.”
“Why’d you stop?”
I looked away. “I didn’t think he helped.”
“When you saw him, what sort of treatments did he do?”
“I’m not sure why this matters, Detective Bates.”
“Call me Lynn, and please, I’m getting there. Just humor me a bit. I’m sure you heard the news.”
I nodded and glanced back at her. “Someone killed him.”
“Well, we’re not sure about that yet.” She scowled down at her hands. “Media sure thinks so, though.”
“He did basic chiropractor stuff. Cracked my back and my neck. It really scared me when I was little and my parents stopped making me go.”
“What about your brother? Did he go?”
“For a little bit. Same thing though, he stopped.”
“And your parents liked him? They saw him often?”
“They used him for years, but I don’t think they’ve been in a while.” I cleared my throat, adjusted my position. “Are you interviewing all his former patients?”
She laughed and shook her head. “Goodness, no. That’d take much too long. The thing is Cora, we confiscated some records from his office, and your name appeared on a particular list.”
I went very still and met her gaze. “A list? What does that mean?”
“There were a few dozen names on the list. Mostly little girls, a few little boys. We’re still trying to figure out what the list means, which is why I’m here.”
Silence fell. My mind continued to race. I tried to put what she was saying together and the ends barely fit. Dr. Silver had a list—and my name was on it—and it was mostly little girls—
“Was my brother’s name on that list?” I asked, my voice a choked whisper.
She stared at me evenly then stopped the recording. “I shouldn’t say, but in this case, I’m going to break the rules.”
I closed my eyes. “It was, wasn’t it?”
“Yes, Cora. His name was on the list too.”
“Oh, god.” I looked up at the ceiling, barely blinking back tears. “How many others?”
“A few dozen. I can’t say exactly. We’re contacting them one by one, but since both you and your brother showed up, you’re one of the first we’re reaching out to.” She took a slow breath and let it out. “I’m going to start this recording now.”
She hit the red button again. Tears rolled down my cheeks.
“Cora, when you went to see Dannis Silver, did anything out of the ordinary happen?”
“Yes.” I wanted to scream. I wanted to sob.
For so long, I kept this secret. I never spoke of it to anyone in the world. I was ready to take it to my grave, down into Hell where I knew I’d find my abuser.
Now though, it was spilling out into the open.
“Can you tell me what?”
I squeezed my eyes shut. The tears wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t control my breathing. I couldn’t control my voice.
But I spoke anyway, because fuck him. I hated him so much, and everyone needed to know what he was.
“He touched me. He put his fingers inside of me.”
“How many times did this happen?” Her voice was steady and calm. She was a professional.
I was on the edge of melting down.
“Once. I wouldn’t go back afterwards. My brother saw him a couple more times, but he stopped too.”
“Did your brother tell you what happened to him?”
“He told me that Dr. Silver did the same thing to him that he did to me.”
“So your brother knew what happened to you.”
I nodded and met her gaze. “I told my parents. They didn’t believe me.”
That cracked the facade. She glanced toward the kitchen where my parents were a few minutes ago. I caught a glimpse of anger.
“Did you report it to anyone else?”
“No, just my parents. I was eight years old. I didn’t understand.”
“It’s okay, Cora. You did the right thing, telling them. Your parents should’ve talked to someone.”
“They didn’t believe me.”
“I believe you, Cora.”
I wished I could hug her. Even though she was the enemy—
Those words meant the world to me.
I drifted through my days like a ghost, forgotten and ignored. My parents saw me as a fraud and a liar, and I’d internalized that feeling much deeper than I liked to admit. Now, finally, at long last, someone was validating me, and it felt so damn good, I could barely control myself.
More tears came. I totally lost it. Lynn waited patiently until the sniffling, ugly crying subsided, and I wiped my eyes and nose with a tissue. She cleared her throat and gathered her things.
“That’s all I needed from you for now. I might have more questions in the future, and you might be asked to give testimony—”
“Testimony? For what? He’s dead.”
She sighed and shook her head. “Frankly, I don’t really know. We’re still trying to figure out what happened, and if anyone else was involved. But thank you for telling me the truth.”
“That’s it? You don’t know who killed him?”
“No, we don’t.” She hesitated and grimaced. “If someone killed him at all.”
She slipped up.
“I’m happy he’s dead, you know.” The words tumbled out. I shouldn’t have said it, but Lynn didn’t seem surprised.
“After what you went through, I can’t blame you. But if someone murdered that man, they’ve got to pay for it.”
“I hope they don’t.”
She only sighed and stood. When she extended her hand, I took it and shook. “Thank you for speaking with me. If there’s anything more, I’ll be in touch.”
“What happens next? Will anyone know what he was?”
I caught a glimmer of a sparkle in her eye. “Oh, I don’t know. Things leak to the media all the time.”
I walked her to the door and waved as she got into her car.
I went to my room after that. I couldn’t face my parents, couldn’t do anything at all but shove my face in a pillow and cry so hard my ribs felt like they might crack and crumble.
15
Cora
I bought a new burner phone that night, and the next day I drifted through my classes like a zombie. If Robyn noticed, she didn’t mention anything. I texted Jarrod’s burner number that afternoon from the library, my hands shaking, knees jostling up and down.
Cora: New phone.
A few minutes later, an unfamiliar number texted me.
Jarrod: What’d you do with the old one?
Cora: Smashed it. We need to talk.
Jarrod: I’m busy.
Cora: It can’t wait.
Jarrod: Meet me after practice. We’ll go to the quarry.
I didn’t want to go there, but I didn’t argue. I was too nervous to push back against him. At the end of the day, I lingered near the stadium again like last time, and the Horsemen came out together looking sweaty and tired and glorious. I felt like a pathetic loser waiting for her unrequited love.
“There’s your girl again,” Des teased Jarrod. “She’s like a little puppy dog, but sexier. Like a puppy you can fuck.”
“That’s seriously sick, man,” Addler said, punching Des in the arm. “Seriously, bro, what’s wrong with you?”
“Ah, fuck off, bruh. Don’t act like you can’t see her little puppy dog eyes staring up at big old Jarrod like, take me with your massive dick.” He cackled as Addler punched him again.
Calvin stared at me quietly. Jarrod ignored his friends and stood by my side.
“You ready?” he asked.
“Whenever you are.”
“Studying again?” Calvin asked sudden
ly. “You’ve been doing that a lot lately, Jarrod. I hope your grades improve.”
Jarrod looked back at his friend.
“Our boy’s a genius,” Des said. “Don’t you worry about his fucking grades. Worry more about his dick.”
“Nobody needs to worry about Jarrod’s dick,” Addler said. “Seriously, something is broken inside of you, Des.”
They laughed and headed off and I was left alone with Jarrod. He watched them go, frowning slightly. “You might have to start tutoring me for real.”
“Seriously?”
“Calvin’s a little too perceptive for his own good.”
Jarrod shook his head then walked to his truck.
I followed. We drove to the quarry in tense silence. He parked and we got out, following the familiar trail. The cliff looked gorgeous at sunset, the forest bathed in gentle light steaming down from the clouds. Jarrod approached the drop and looked down at the water, but I hung back, afraid to get too close to him. In the distance, a truck kicked up dirt. It looked like a toy from so far.
“You know what photographers call this?” he asked, glancing back at me.
“I don’t know.”
“Golden hour. Best light of the whole day.” He took a deep breath then faced me. “You look good out here.”
I tugged at my hair, strangely self-conscious. “A detective came to see me.”
He went very, very still.
It was uncanny. I couldn’t imagine a man his size suddenly not moving at all, but Jarrod’s whole body tensed like he was about to spring.
“What happened?” he asked very slowly.
I told him everything, start to finish. When I was done, he began to pace.
“I’m not sure if I should flip out or be happy,” I said, watching him warily.
“You’re getting what you wanted, right? The pedo fuck’s going to get exposed to the world.”
“But now I’m on their radar.”
“You and a few dozen others.”
“They came to me first.”
“Only because your brother was on the list too.”
“You really think this is nothing to worry about? Why the hell would Dr. Silver keep a freaking list of his victims?”
He stopped pacing and knuckled his forehead. “I think we have to worry about everything right now, but this isn’t high up on my priority list.”
I let out a long exhale. I didn’t know what I expected—anger maybe, or something else, something worse. He constantly surprised me with his reactions, and I danced around him, always worried that he’d snap and do something vicious.
And yet he hadn’t so far. If anything, he was entirely controlled, much more than I was. On that football field on Sunday, he was a wolf among sheep, wrecking, hurting, killing, rending flesh with his mighty jaws, and I kept wondering where that monster was hiding and when he’d show himself.
I caught a glimpse up close only once. The night we murdered Dr. Silver, as he sank the knife in deep, I saw the glimmer of hunger in his eyes, like taking a life was somehow nourishing him.
There must’ve been a reason why he was constantly getting into fights. The rage simmered below the surface, but he kept it under control when I was around. I knew he had the potential to explode at any moment, and for some reason, that only made the excitement so much sweeter.
I wondered if I was broken.
“It’s still bad if the detectives are looking at me,” I said, leaning against a sapling. I pulled at a branch but not hard enough to snap it. “I shouldn’t be on their radar at all.”
“We knew the risks when we started this.” He came toward me. I didn’t flinch when he reached out and laced his fingers in my hair. “You’re a victim, little Cora, and that means something.”
“I’m also the villain in this story.”
“I wonder about that.” His lips came down and brushed against mine. “I think about justice. What does it mean to take the life of a monster? Are we marred forever because of it?”
“I don’t know. I worry about that though.”
“I don’t. Silver deserved what he got and I’m glad I plunged that knife into his throat.” He moved back toward my ear. A thrill ran down my spine, excited and afraid at the same time. “Have you dreamed about it, freak?”
“Of course.” I closed my eyes and leaned into him. I let the smell of his skin, soap and sweat and something spicy, linger in my nostrils. I pressed my hands against his muscular chest and didn’t say that mostly I dreamed of him, of Jarrod’s hands on my body, his tongue licking the same spot on my neck where he sliced open Dr. Silver.
“I dream about it. The thrill of watching him die, knowing that I was the one who did it. There’s a power in death, isn’t there? You can feel it, just like I do.”
“It was revenge for me.”
“But it was also pleasure.” His hand tightened. “There’s a fine line between ecstasy and terror.”
“You want to drag me down it, don’t you?”
“Of course.” His lips pressed against the soft skin at the base of my throat. “Are you going to stop me?”
“I should. I could scream.”
“Nobody would hear.”
“Someone might.”
“Then go ahead. Scream. I don’t mind.” He met my gaze and his eyes flashed and his lips curled back in a delicious smirk. “I think I’d like to fuck you screaming.”
I slammed my lips against his, unable to take it anymore. The tension was too much and I felt pulled in a hundred directions: afraid, aroused, needy, angry, and a thousand other little variations. His tongue drifted into my mouth and he pulled my hair harder, making me gasp into his kiss.
It was pleasure and pain. That was Jarrod—nothing was simple with him, nothing was easy. And the messed-up part was, I didn’t want simple or easy.
I wanted a struggle. I wanted to fight.
He pinned me against the sapling. The skinny trunk dug into my back. His body swallowed me, dominated me, and I couldn’t imagine trying to fight something like him. He was all power, muscular but also agile, athletic and graceful and sly. I bit his lip and that only made him kiss me harder, his hands moving down to my hips, and I wondered—
Would this be it? The moment I wanted so desperately?
I’d wondered for years what it would be like to finally get fucked. To feel a thick cock between my legs, a man’s hands on my skin, pinning me down, taking me viciously. Jarrod could do that and more, and I knew giving myself to him would only make this strange, simmering feeling in my guts so much worse.
I was afraid it’d make me want more than one night.
He broke the kiss off and left me gasping for air.
“Why are you stopping?” I whispered.
That made his jaw tense. “You want it too badly.”
“I thought that’s what you were waiting for.” I dug my fingers into his chest. “Stop playing around. Stop being a fucking tease.”
His smile returned and his right hand moved along my stomach, tugging up my sweater. His fingers were cold and I shivered with excitement as they grazed my belly button and moved down to the edge of my jeans.
“Is this what you want?” He unbuttoned and unzipped me. I didn’t fight him, only stared with my mouth open. I could feel my pulse between my legs and I knew I was dripping wet, my whole body vibrating with need. “You want to get it over with that badly?”
“I owe you something and I always pay my debt.”
“I wonder about that.” His fingers slid down over my panties. I gasped in a breath as pleasure rolled along my hips. He seemed to know just where to touch me, where to press and rub, before pulling back and slipping down deeper beneath my panties.
He circled my folds, teasing, teasing, before finding my clit and kneading slow.
I leaned my head back and let out a soft, gasping moan.
“Look at you,” he crooned, “dripping wet and writhing. We murdered a man and you talked to the police, and yet all you can think
about is me fucking you senseless.”
“Fuck you.” I squeezed my eyes shut and jammed my nails into his shoulder. If it bothered him, he didn’t show it. “God, you’re the one doing this. You think I wanted to barter my body?”
“I think you were willing to do anything, and now you’re afraid you took on more than you could handle.”
“I can handle more than you, asshole.”
“I doubt that very much.” He bit my lower lip hard as he slipped fingers deep inside of my pussy. I gasped in pleasure and pain, and as I tasted iron and salt on my tongue, a burst of blood from the two little punctures, he rolled his fingers along my clit again, sending a fresh wave of ecstasy pulsing along my spine.
“What are you doing?” I moaned. “Aren’t you supposed to fuck me? Don’t you want to fuck me?” The words tumbled out, mad and wild and stupid, and I regretted them immediately. I didn’t want to seem desperate, but god, I was so desperate, so needy and stupid and willing to give him what I was supposed to give him, if only he’d stop driving me wild with lust and start showing me how I was supposed to move and feel.
But his fingers only paused as he released a strangled growl. “You think I don’t want to?”
“I think you’re delaying. I can’t tell if it’s because you enjoy messing with me, or if it’s because you don’t want to go through with it.”
He kissed my lips hard. No biting, no pain, only his soft tongue and his taste and his breath. His fingers moved faster on my clit, sending sprays and jolts of pleasure, so much pleasure, and I moaned into his mouth, losing myself, glowing and glowing, getting brighter with each stroke.
“I want you so badly I can’t stop thinking about it,” he whispered as my back arched. “Your lips and tits and this tight, soaking pussy, it drives me fucking wild. I’ve wanted you for a long time, Cora, my little freak, my baby girl. I haven’t taken you yet, only because I want this to last as long as it can. I don’t want to fuck you and be done with you. I want to savor your skin. I want to revel in your moans. I want to bask in the glory of your orgasm and drink you down until you’re left moaning, shivering, shaking, begging for another taste. That’s what I want, my freak. I want you broken and all mine.”