Dying to Be Slim

by Abby Beverley

  “Hawpeak? Hmm… I’m sure I’ve been through it on the bus,” said Jakey, scratching the back of his neck as if he couldn’t quite recall where it was.

  “By ’eck!” exclaimed Cole. “Someone’s a good cook round here! Any of that sultana and cherry slab left from earlier?”

  34

  Thursday

  JAKEY

  Jakey hummed to himself as he showered.

  He had considered knocking on the door and climbing into the shower with Starla but… but he only just felt he was getting to know her. That was crazy! He’d known her since she was a teenager and they’d been living together for nearly twenty five years.

  Yet… well, it felt fresh and new and exciting and somehow dangerous too!

  So he had resisted the urge to knock on the bathroom door. After all, Billie was at home and didn’t need to see (or hear) such shenanigans!

  Jakey stopped humming as he thought about Billie. All the time he’d wanted to protect her and all the time she’d been… she’d been… well, she’d been having shenanigans of her own! It didn’t bear thinking about.

  He needed to find out more about the baby’s father. Billie hadn’t come downstairs last night, saying that she was in bed already when he’d knocked on her bedroom door. He hoped to catch up with her today. Maybe they should keep her off school. Mind you, it was quite late – he was unsure of the exact time – and she may have gone off to catch the bus already.

  The water splashed across his chest and his thoughts shifted to Vic. Surely there could be no other Bat Boys cremating their mother tomorrow? It had to be Vic. Four o’clock at the crem, he’d said.

  When Jakey had walked up from the Muncaster yesterday afternoon with Starla, they’d swapped stories and vowed to tell each other everything in the future. Jakey had apologised for flying off the handle at Billie’s news a couple of days ago. Starla had apologised for not telling him about the amulet and Star’s crazy arrival, although she had been sure he wouldn’t believe her.

  Jakey felt particularly unsettled to hear about Marnie’s transition from hairdresser to porn actress. In a way, it made him think about Lola and her transition from model to photographer. He wondered how long Marnie had been ‘acting’ and how many films she’d starred in.

  Perhaps people in relationships sometimes didn’t tell each other everything for a reason, Jakey thought. He had to admit that he would have preferred not to hear about Marnie – just as he thought that Starla wouldn’t have wanted to hear about his encounter with Vic yesterday.

  So, they had vowed to tell each other everything and he had failed at the first hurdle. He hadn’t told Starla that two of the empty glasses on the bar had contained pints that were supped by the father of four of her children. How could he do that to her when she had already been through so much?

  Something else he hadn’t told her too. Something that he’d suspected for a long time. Not something, but someone… someone who may well be linked to Skye’s paternity.

  Jakey towelled himself dry and heard Starla’s voice coming from the bedroom. She was speaking quite loudly and he wondered if she was giving Billie a talking to. She was supposed to be Billie’s long lost auntie; he hoped she wasn’t trying to be too motherly with her.

  He wrapped the towel around his waist and entered the bedroom.

  Yes. Waterfall. Clara.

  W-A-T-E-R-F-A-L-L.

  Midday tomorrow?

  No, no, that’s fine.

  No, it’s fine. I’m pleased it’s come through so fast.

  No, it’s perfect.

  OK. Thank you.

  Yes. We’ll be waiting.

  Starla smiled at Jakey as he walked into the bedroom.

  “What’s that all about then?” he said, flopping onto the bed.

  “They’re sending an ambulance here tomorrow lunchtime to take Clara for her scan. I’m still nervous about people seeing me carted out, even if I’m not ‘residing’ in her body at present.”

  “That’s quick, considering you only got the letter Tuesday morning!” exclaimed Jakey.

  “Well, I guess they don’t have to give the elephants and hippos appointment times,” shrugged Starla. “Human beings obviously get top priority.”

  “Good of them to free up an ambulance so quickly though!”

  “Ah well, I may have got Mikey to pull a few strings on that one.”

  “Starla!”

  “Well, it was your plan to send that Bat Boy back to his family,” reminded Starla. “I did promise him a trip to the zoo and I’m glad it’s so soon because I don’t really want to spend too many more evenings watching him chomp through our food, telling us stories about cousins who die of drug overdoses.”

  “Talking of Bat Boys…” Jakey stood up and started getting dressed.

  “Yes, I know what you’re going to say,” interrupted Starla. “We need to ring the crem and find out who’s getting cremated tomorrow and when. Obviously it will be an elderly female. I wonder if Cole knows Number Five’s mother’s name? I doubt it but I’ll go down and ask in a sec.”

  “We don’t need to do that, my love,” Jakey fastened his jeans and sat down on the bed to pull his socks on.

  “No, no, we do! I bet they’ll open at nine. It’s quarter to now.”

  “No listen, Starla…”

  “We’ll go down and get some more info from Cole. We need to go and sort him out anyway. Billie’s probably given him some breakfast. She’s always looked after me so well – she thinks that it is me downstairs, of course! I know you’re mad with her right now but she’s an angel really.”

  “A fallen angel,” mumbled Jakey.

  “Yes, but we’ll help her through this, won’t we? We’ve got to support her, Jakey. She needs us. And, if I’m totally honest, I can’t wait to have another grandchild!”

  “Hmmm…” Jakey could have done with waiting another ten years for Billie to give him a grandchild. He was more than happy with little Skye, and Mikey had assured Starla that Tina could become pregnant again, although she might need to make some permanent decisions first.

  “Anyway, Billie went off to catch the bus. I’ve told her she needs to keep going to school for the time being. Oh my god… another thing I’ve got to do today! Ring that Mrs Lambert. I told her I’d call her yesterday but I forgot amidst discovering my daughter’s penchant for porn acting and my fictional son-in-law’s desire to marry my son! Not to mention being mugged and losing a magic ring!”

  “Yes… now, well, about that ring… and the cremation…”

  “Did you already ring the crem while I was in the shower? I honestly didn’t think they’d pick up earlier than nine.” Starla stood up and straightened her skirt.

  “I didn’t need to ring them. I know what time the service is.”

  Starla stared at Jakey, bewildered.

  “I know I said I’d tell you everything…” he continued.

  “Ye-es.” Starla frowned and Jakey felt like a child whose access to the sweetie shop was going to be denied – or at least, suspended – as soon as he uttered his next words.

  “I met Vic in the hotel bar just before you arrived yesterday.”

  “Vic?” Starla’s green eyes narrowed slightly. “You mean Vic, Vic?”

  “Yes. He’s crawled out of whatever hole he’s been hiding in because his mam just died.”

  “That’s a shame,” sighed Starla, and Jakey wondered if it was a shame that Vic had turned up or a shame that his mother had died. Possibly both.

  “You didn’t think to share this information with me then?”

  Jakey heard the bolt slam across the sweetie shop door.

  “Sorry… I… I…”

  “You didn’t think that I might just have a few things to say to the sonofabitch who deserted me with one pair of twins and another pair on the way? You didn’t think that I, too, might want to pay my children’s grandmother some last respects? You didn’t think that when we swore we’d tell each other everything, it meant EVER
YTHING. Or did it mean that I have to tell you everything but you can hold back on me?”

  Slats of wood were slammed across the sweetie shop door and Jakey winced as each were nailed well and truly into place.

  “I didn’t tell you because I thought you’d had enough bad news this week!” Jakey murmured lamely.

  “Anyway,” said Starla, trying to arrange things in her head, “what does Hilda Smedley’s funeral have to do with this? There could be five old ladies cremated tomorrow for all we know.”

  “Vic is Number Five.” Jakey told her flatly.

  “See? Five old ladies! Spot on! And what time is this fifth funeral?”

  “I mean… Vic is Number Five!”

  “Five o’clock? Is that what you mean? Jakey, please don’t speak in riddles.”

  “I mean… Vic is Number Five!”

  “You mean… Number Five?” Starla gasped as the penny finally dropped.

  “Yes!”

  “What? He told you that?” Starla asked, astounded.

  “No but I saw his tattoo. He’s a Bat Boy alright and I’m guessing that either his nickname is Number Five because he’s fifth in line to the cobalt bat throne or whatever they call their hierarchy, or, more likely, because his initial is V.”

  35

  Thursday

  MARNIE

  Marnie dropped Skye off at Bubbles, and then thought she’d better pop round to see her mother and Jakey to sort out tomorrow’s arrangements, since she was flying off for filming early Saturday morning.

  As she drove the car up Church Street, she saw Gav hurrying along on the path ahead. It had started to rain and she noticed that he’d pulled the collar on his jacket up to stop the water from running down the back of his neck.

  She pulled over and signalled at him to get in.

  As soon as he walked in front of her bonnet to do so, she could tell it was Guy, not Gav. Guy wore his hair longer than Gav, mainly because it was a chore to get it cut, although Marnie offered constantly. The rain had matted it down and it didn’t look as floppy as it normally did.

  “I thought you were Gav!” she pointed out as he climbed in.

  “Nah! I’m much prettier. Check out these bad boys!” Guy pointed to the bruises on his face.

  Marnie stared, her mouth hanging open.

  “Owww! Did you forget to pay your rent or something?”

  “Something like that! Seriously though, Sis, you should see the other guy!”

  “Seriously?” Marnie asked, still staring.

  “Nah, course not,” he admitted, “I tripped and face-butted the coffee table like a moron, didn’t I?”

  Marnie narrowed her eyes at him in disbelief but, unsure, she decided to let it drop.

  “I’m surprised you thought I was Gav,” said Guy, obviously keen to change the subject. “He doesn’t walk anywhere much.”

  “He must walk up from the station when he comes to visit Mam,” said Marnie, “He still hasn’t let on to her that he can drive.”

  “He tends to drive to my place, park up and walk down to Jubilee Terrace. I don’t think he bothers much with the train,” stated Guy, buckling up his seat belt. “He doesn’t really want Mam to meet Morgs. Maybe because he knows it will blow your ‘happily married’ cover.”

  “Maybe,” sighed Marnie. “But it probably has more to do with the same sex relationship thing.”

  “True,” agreed Guy. “Gav has a distorted view about that. He feels that a lot of people are against it. After all, he and Morgs have had to put up with more than their fair share of taunts.”

  Marnie nodded in agreement and pulled the car forward.

  “Anyway… how come you’re not at school? Surely you’re not off with a few bruises?”

  “Sorry Mam!” he retorted.

  Marnie laughed.

  “You know what I mean. We don’t usually see you out and about at nine thirty in the morning on a school day.”

  “I’m at a conference,” he explained.

  “Obviously!” Marnie said as she swung the car into Jubilee Terrace.

  “It doesn’t start till half ten and it’s a subject that’s been well-covered previously. I’m not exactly hurrying.”

  “Wasting my hard-earned taxpayer’s money!” chuckled Marnie.

  “I thought it might be a good opportunity to do a few jobs, including dropping by to see Mam. I need to talk to her about Billie.”

  “Is this the Billie bullying thing that I phoned you about?”

  “Exactly that, yeah.”

  “Well… I’ve got to grovel a bit,” confessed Marnie. “I was furious with her last time I was here.”

  “Oh yeah, you said on the phone. Something about a magazine article. What’s the publication called?”

  “Femme Fanfare.”

  “Sounds bloody awful. What’s the readership? Middle-aged women who want to blow their own trumpets or parade women like Mam round to feel better about themselves?”

  “I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there, little bro’!”

  They pulled up outside the house and Marnie groped down into the passenger well for her handbag and some carrier bags. As she did so, Guy caught her arm.

  “Sis… don’t be too hard on Mam, eh? I know you’re pissed off about that magazine article and, I agree, she should never have let them use Skye’s name or photo without your say-so, but… remember: you’ve got your own magazine feature and there are many folk, especially around here, who would slam you for what you’re doing.”

  Marnie’s mouth went dry and she swallowed hard.

  “How the heck…”

  “How the heck do I know about your ‘acting’? Du-uh! Twins share all. You, of all people, should know that! If Gav hadn’t told me, I probably would have picked it up via twin telepathy anyway!” Guy laughed.

  “Honestly! You can’t trust anyone in this family!”

  “Well, at least I haven’t watched any of your work – not that I’d want to. I’ve only been told. I’m sure it’ll stay well within the confines of the family. Oh and the family of… Suky Selene!”

  Marnie pushed him with her bags.

  “Go on… get out of my car, Bruiser… you’re in trouble now!” she laughed.

  They walked up to the gate, which was just ahead.

  Guy turned and shouted through the rain: “And if anyone outside the family starts on you, we’ll just tell ‘em…”

  “Don’t make waves with Team Waterfall!”

  They both shouted it at the precise moment a car skidded past, hitting an enormous puddle which sprayed up like a fan, drenching the pair of them.

  Guy and Marnie burst through the back door and shook themselves like dogs; laughing, water dripping everywhere. Jakey and a slender woman with familiar features stood chatting in the kitchen.

  “Want me to fetch some towels?” the woman asked Jakey, who nodded.

  “Oh, that was funny! Comic timing little bro’!”

  “Not what I’d call dry humour.” Guy added wryly. “I’ve now got to sit, sopping wet, at that stupid conference.”

  “Bloody hell!” exclaimed Jakey. “I heard about your face but, wow, what a mess!”

  “Err, thanks… I think,” responded Guy, embarrassed.

  “Who’s she?” asked Marnie, nodding towards the door.

  “Starla. She’s just gone to get some towels.”

  “Is she a health visitor or something for Mam?”

  “No. She’s… well…”

  “She’s your bit on the side!” Guy joked.

  “No, no! Don’t judge everyone by your own standards Guy!”

  “What do you mean by that?” Guy gave Jakey a challenging stare as best he could, though it made his blackening eye water.

  Jakey stared back levelly.

  “You know what I mean. I shouldn’t have to spell it out in front of your sister.”

  “What’s that?” Marnie was barely listening; concentrating instead on unzipping her boots, holding onto Guy and tryin
g not to tumble over on one leg.

  “Nothing,” Jakey conceded. “It’s nothing, Marns. I’ll explain about Starla when we’re all sat down.”

  Marnie began to dry her hair extensions with one of the towels that Starla presented to her and Jakey ushered them all into the living room where Clara was sat, chairbound as always, eating her way through a tin of chocolate-dipped rock cakes.

  “Look Clara!” Jakey exclaimed. Then, slowly and deliberately, he added: “Marnie and Guy have come to visit. I’ve told them to sit down so that we can explain about Starla being your sister.”

  Clara nodded, understanding that she was expected to ‘perform’.

  “Starla is your long-lost aunt,” she spluttered through a mouthful of rock cake.

  “Yeah right,” said Guy. “And I’m a monkey’s uncle!”

  Starla sat down on the arm of Clara’s chair, her eyes constantly flicking to Guy’s bruised face. His injuries seemed to bother her a great deal.

  “I was able to track Clara down using the internet,” she explained. “I’ve been searching for her for years but her name only recently appeared online, thanks to a magazine article that was recently published. Isn’t that right, Clara?”

  Clara nodded dutifully.

  Everyone in the room was silent, including Guy who knew this to be completely feasible.

  “Where… how…?” Marnie eventually broke the silence but was unsure about what she wanted to actually ask.

  “You know that our mam left Clara with her dad when she was about Skye’s age, don’t you?” Starla explained. “Well, she had me a few years later. We’re half-sisters. Aren’t we Clara?”

  Clara nodded in agreement.

  Marnie could see the resemblance but it was a lot to take in. The day before yesterday, she had been arguing with her mother about the magazine article. Now, she had gained an aunt because of it! An aunt that appeared to be wearing some of her old clothes, which was strange to say the least.

  Guy was still silent. His usual trick when he’s under duress, Marnie thought, remembering the little boy that wouldn’t speak for years.