To the Paris of our dreams

by Tomas Goncalves

  There was about fifteen people on Alice's aunt's apartment and they were extremely nice and receptive with Eric. Against everything Eric could've thought, it was a very pleasant dinner, with extremely interesting people: a musician, a retired maestro, two writers, a professor, a doctor, one sculptor and painter, and a therapist. They were talking a lot, and really loud, drinking a lot of wine and eating a lot of the magnificent food that Alice's uncle had prepared.

  The young nationless musician got everyone's curiosity, many of them essentially curious and extravagant, especially after a bit of wine.

  No politics or economics, or how youth these days are messed up, or “discretely” sending mean comments to the people on the table. No, the subject there was more mature, and at the same time, lighter. It was easy to talk, and it was also extremely easy just to listen and get completely surprised by the intelligence of them and their incredible stories. Time was going by so fast and it felt that just like that, the night was almost over: people talking in smaller groups of one or two, drinking wine, having dessert or even trying to dance a bit in the middle of the living room. Even Eric and Alice danced a bit, after spending the whole night as a perfect couple.

  When they noticed, it was almost two in the morning: People were starting to leave.

  He decided to go back to his hotel at that point. He called a cab and just let himself fell down on his bed once getting there.

  Eric had rejected three calls from Marie that night, so she just sent him two messages:

  “Eric, Are you still in Paris? Could you meet me tomorrow?”

  And the second one, three hours later:

  “Please, Eric. I really wanna talk to you”

  Before completely passing out, his last thought was:

  “Fuck, she called. What the fuck am I gonna do now?”

  Eric agreed to meet Marie the next day at a coffee place. When he got there, she was already waiting for him, wearing jeans and a black shirt, with a backpack. She seemed to have a bit of dark circles under her eyes, but apart from that, she was gorgeous and trying to be as nice as possible. She was the one who started the conversation.

  - Hey...

  - Hi...

  - How's it going?

  - I'm great, how are you?

  - ... I'm ok

  Silence. Eric cleared his throat and put his hands inside his pockets.

  - So yeah, here I am, did you say you wanted to talk?

  - Yeah, sit, please...

  - Sure, I'm just gonna grab a coffee...You want something? - She didn't

  Eric grabbed a coffee. Then he went back outside, and sat on the table in front of Marie.

  - So how's Paris treating you these days? - Marie

  - Hmm… Pretty well. Weather's nicer, that's for sure.

  - Good... good. I'm happy to hear that. - She gave him a smile and tried to look into his eyes.

  - Yeap...

  - So you said you're taking a break right? - She didn't quite knew how to start that talk

  - Yeah...

  - … Cool

  - Yes, always good...

  - Still leaving tomorrow? - She asked

  - No, in a couple of days

  - Oh yeah?

  - Uhum...

  Marie was probably going to ask why. But Eric being short probably got to her faster than she thought it would.

  - You're not particularly in a good mood today, Hun? - She gave him a sad grim

  - ... Hangover... - And after a second, he completed - ...Sorry

  - No, it's not that...

  - … Please don't talk like you know me – Eric just spat it out, for Marie's surprise. He was annoyed.

  Marie went silent for a minute, looking down to her hands. She suddenly got sad. She was just sad.

  - … Please don't treat me like that. Pleaase, not you. - He could swear she was about to start crying

  Eric tried to keep a straight face. He didn't feel good for what he had just said, or for the way he was making her feel. But he definitely wasn't going to apologize.

  - Eric, you'll never realize how sorry I am for everything that happened, ok? But come on, seriously? You think I did any of this on purpose?

  He didn't know what to say. Of course he knew that.

  - I really really had a hard time trying to forget you. I didn't want to, but I couldn't kept dreaming that eventually you'd come back for me, or that I was gonna go chase you. That was too naive for me to believe. We spent all that time, trying to tell ourselves that it was not a big deal, and that we wouldn't let it become a deal, didn't we? Didn't we try to be all cool and mature about it? What did you want me to do? I didn't even had a phone number to call you... I got to the point that I was about to ask help from my dad or maybe from Tom to get in touch with you.... but I was so sure that I was gonna sound stupid, and that you just didn't want me to do so.... You understand how stupid I was feeling? Eric?

  No answer from him.

  - Truth is... I missed you, Eric. A lot... - She stopped for a second - Don't think that I didn't care... But I tried to change with that. After everything we talked, and how you treated me, I told myself I just couldn't let things stay in the way they were. I couldn't keep lying to myself, to my parents, letting everyone around me just treat me like shit and step on my head. Because I deserved more... - And then, as she was just saying it to herself - I deserved someone more like you...

  She stopped talking for a minute.

  - I spent more than four months Eric, four months, trying to forget what happened between us, because I was just depressing myself, with no reason to believe I'd ever see you again. You have no idea how hard it was... Feeling alone, but so alone, after you finally meet someone that actually treats you right... - She took a second to breath - After that, I finally started to try to move on with my life, because that's what I thought I should do... That's what I thought you'd have told me to. What Tom would have told me to... So yeah, I decided to give another chance to Filipe, because he was really, really trying. I said it would be different this time, it had to, because I wouldn't allow otherwise... Because, yeah, a part of me still believed that somehow we could work out together - She paused again – I know it sounds stupid, but I just thought you deserved to know that...

  They got silent for a while.

  - And you love him...

  Marie slowly shrugged her shoulders as saying “I don't know”

  - ...

  - … I was in love for that guy for a long time Eric. And now it's the first time is actually working out. What do you want me to say? You're leaving again in two days, and letting you go once was already bad enough... I don't wanna go through that all over again...

  - ... Ok... So why did you call me?

  - Because I thought you should know all of this. And because I'm still trying to save my relationship from the fiasco of that dinner, and to explain to my family what happened...

  - … Well, I'm sorry to hear that...

  Marie nodded.

  - It's ok...

  They looked at each other for a bit. It was very awkward. She was lying. She was afraid. She wanted him to fight for her. She wanted to kiss him and be forced to admit how bad she loved h
im and how bad she wanted him to stay... If he had asked her to fight for him and say that he would fight for her, if he had assured her things could work out... But then there was Alice, and how she had treated him. What was he supposed to do? He wasn't even sure he wanted to try anything anymore with that girl. Or with anyone, for what it matters.

  - So I guess that's it... – Eric finally said – … I wish the best of luck for you guys... I'm ...I'm actually happy to hear that you're not letting people treat you bad again. You deserve the best, Marie. And now you have my number if you ever need to call me – He gave her a sad smile - I should go...

  She didn't know what to say. She was so divided, terrified. But Eric couldn't deal with that, so he had to let her go.

  - Take care of yourself, ok? - Marie had tears in her eyes when she said that.

  Eric smiled, nodded and left without looking back.

  - Ah, come on, Eric. I need more than that...

  - Aaah, come on Alice... It's too much for my pride for one day.

  She just kept staring at him, so he gave in.

  - Ahh... ok ok … She said she took a long time trying to forget me and that she is trying to have a good relationship now, and that I'm leaving again aand that she wanted to tell me how hard it was for her...

  - All right.... but did she say they were arguing?

  - Well, for what I understood, yes, apparently yes.

  - Ah, I see...

  Silence.

  - So how are you feeling? - Alice asked

  - ... That I lost my day...

  - Well, you can always wait, man. In the way your life is accelerated, soon enough she'll call you again.

  - Hmm... I can't stay that much more in Paris

  - I see. How many days do you still have again?

  - Well, the most I could get, insisting a lot, was more three days.

  - What, did you have to cancel some commitment or anything?

  - … Sort of, It's just because now I'll have to fly directly to meet them in the day of the concert in some small city that I don't even remember the name, instead of going to this meeting in … I don't remember where...

  - Where? The concert, I mean...

  - It's in the States somewhere...

  - Oh, ok...

  -Yeah... For the next months I'll basically stay in that side of the Atlantic. At least I'll be able to visit my friend Tom in Montreal. But yeah...

  - The Kundera guy?

  - Yeah

  - Cool, cool. He seems to be a good friend of yours, no?

  - Yeah he is... But...err...

  - What?

  - He's also Marie's friend. Probably best friend I'd say...

  - Hmm … And you think things might get weird?

  - Yeah, I guess … I still haven't talk to him about all of that...

 

 

  Following the three unreal days spent with Alice, Eric had a really hard time leaving Paris. Both because of Alice and because of Marie. He never thought he could be so sad. He was not only divided, but broken. At the same time he was devastated from leaving Alice behind. He just wanted to forget Paris, and now he wouldn't be able to. Why did that had to keep happening?

  He was happy for having met Alice, but now that was leaving him in a very delicate place. After he left Paris, he started to have nightmares, about Marie coming to tell him that she still loved him and wanted to be with him. But then Marie finds out about Alice, or maybe he just gets crushed by the indecision. Or Alice hears Marie talking and she gets her heart crushed because she realizes he still love Marie. Or Eric finds out Alice have gone back to Brazil, and she too, would have get together with her ex (somehow in his nightmares that fear was pretty real). Another option was seeing Marie suffering because of Filipe and because of him. He didn't know how to deal with none of that. It was all too...not at all like him. These nightmares kept happening for weeks.

  Even though he was happy for finally having someone he could write and call, and feel a bit understood, he also felt like now he had even more things to hide from people. I mean, he was not gonna talk about Alice with Tom, right?

  He didn't know how to explain it, but he started drinking more, more than usual. Somehow he was a bit happier, and a bit sadder, all at once.

  Now he could always try to get in contact with Alice, and it was really nice to have her writing him and being able to write her back (both of them got pretty excited about long e-mails where they would discuss life, love and the universe, trying to avoid the subject “I miss you so bad by my side” )

  Nightmares, broken pride because of the whole Marie story, missing Alice, the pressure of having to go meet his parents again after years apart, the crazy routine they were now having... All things that ended up releasing on him a self-destructive behavior, again.

  In the beginning, his bandmates thought he was actually getting a bit better, because he was finally starting to socialize more, after some months where he had been exceptionally quiet. Drinking more, gambling more, smoking more and enjoying everything he could from the life they were having. He was once again the Eric they knew, and that new weird energy finally affected everyone in the band and around them, what eventually got even Richard satisfied. They were finally getting a bit happy again about touring.

  He started taking sleeping pills as if they were mint, finally sleeping reasonable amounts of time.

  Taking in consideration the schedule they were having, it felt like a glimpse, or maybe a bad trip, and soon enough his vacations had arrived.

  He was finally going on vacations, going to see his family, with Mike and Alice, which was completely unreal for him. The fact of “You know, meeting my family again, after such a long time” Seeing Alice again... that would be heaven: She would be able to help him make everything get better again, he was sure of it. If there was one person that could help him survive a couple of weeks with his parents, it would be Alice.

  When the day arrived, Eric and Mike went to Paris to meet Alice, and the three of them rented a car and went straight south.

  That road trip would already be insanely fun.

 

  St Jean de Luz.

  It was amazing there, completely packed with tourists from all over Europe. Eric had already been there, almost eight years ago, which seemed to be an eternity for him. Being so young, it was weird for him to think that, but he was feeling like the time... had really passed.

  He just wanted to leave it all behind and enjoy that moment, with his friends, in that atmosphere, so much lighter than what he was used to. His family had actually rented the same house, a bit outside of St Jean, and with the few information they had about the place, they went looking for it.

  It was so...blue there. The ocean was so blue, the sky was so blue, everything else was so colorful, and the wind was incredibly pleasant.

  Not long after arriving, they found the house, Eric being able to recognize it from last time he was there. It was a white house, with blue windows, three minutes walking from the beach and ten to fifteen minutes walking from St Jean itself. It really felt like they were going for a treat.

  As they parked and got off the car, purposely ostensive, they all got amazed by the place, the view, the feeling of being there. It
was all really nice.

  The house had all its windows opened, which meant his mother was probably cleaning the house and airing it to make it impeccably clean. As soon as a girl from inside the house noticed their presence in front of the little porch, four people basically ran outside to meet them. First, girl with brown hair, extremely pretty, with brown eyes and a very friendly and smart face. It was Isadora, Eric's sister. She was wearing some very short jeans, showing off her gorgeous legs, which made Eric hit Mike with his elbow so he'd stop starring. She basically jumped on Eric's neck: that's how excited she was to see her brother. Then there was a younger guy, who should be around fifteen, maybe sixteen, with his long, dark-blond, curly hair, messy as humanly possible. It was his younger brother, Gustavo.

  Behind them were Eric's parents, with surprised and satisfied facial expressions. They probably weren't sure Eric would actually come. Fair enough, Eric wasn't sure he would be going to come either.

  Eric himself got surprised. His parents had gotten old. Obviously they would get old too, but they had completely different features from what he was used to. They had kind, happy expressions. Eric asked himself what had happened with the severe and bourgeois features he remembered. For some reason, that got him really confused. It was like they were strangers to him.

  They were all strangers to him.

  They hugged each other, kissed each other, and introduced themselves. They analyzed themselves and then got invited in. They got all their baggage and musical instruments: two guitars, harmonicas and an acoustic bass. (If they were going to stay there for two weeks, having their own music was essential.)

  His mother showed them their rooms, when the obvious happened: she had put Eric and Alice in the same room.

  Eric discretely looked at Alice and she quietly confirmed that it was ok. She was smiling. Eric actually enjoyed that.

  During the first couple of hours, they unpacked, with Gustavo and Isadora's help, while they were talking non-stop, trying to catch up with their lives, and it was really weird for Eric to realize he had two younger siblings right there, with him, and that in reality he didn't know much about any of them anymore. Soon after, they all sat down by the table outside and had a bit to eat and drink while they kept talking for almost two hours.