To the Paris of our dreams

by Tomas Goncalves

  - Can... Can you just answer me something?

  - Hmm? - She was not even looking at him at that point.

  - Do we still have a chance? Or ...Am I making a fool of myself here? - That didn't sound right. In the second he said it, he knew he also had not sounded the way he intended to.

  She didn't say anything for a moment. When she opened her mouth, she had a very fatalist and heavy tone. She seemed tired.

  -...I don't know, Eric. Why don't you tell me?

  - I guess... I guess it's pretty clear what I think, no? - Eric tried to smile

  Marie smiled, but this time it was not in a very sympathetic way. She was not even trying anymore.

  - I don't know Eric. That’s the thing. Why don't you tell me?

  Eric took a deep breath.

  -...Marie

  - Hmm?

  - What are you doing?

  - Just tell me, Eric...

  - I....I want us to be together....?

  - Really? – She sighed, looking at him with a straight face - Why?

  - ...Why?

  - Yeah, Eric, why?

  - Wow... I don't know, maybe because... maybe because I love you? Like, a fucking lot? - He almost sounded mad.

  - Wow...- She stayed in silence for a second, as if trying to absorb what she had heard - Uau Eric. Congratulations... Do you know it's like one of the first times like fucking ever you say you love me? And it actually would've been super awesome if you hadn't been a douche about it? Or maybe if we hadn't spent the last ten fucking days without seeing each other? Or even like texting or anything?

  He took another deep breath.

  - ...I … I just thought you've been feeling uncomfortable around me, you know.

  - Oh that's bullshit, Eric, I'm sorry … You've been feeling uncomfortable around me for months now. You know why? Because you never even tried to talk to me. Ever, not even once, about what was really going on with you. And it's like...I get it, of course I do, with everything we've been through... But Eric, you rather go spend time with your ex-girlfriend or cross the fucking town to go see Jan. What about me? What about mee, Eric? Fuck! You're making me sound like a crazy girlfriend, and I hate this shit, but it's been years that we know each other and months and months now that I am by your side...and nothing. Nothing. I always knew you were like that, I always knew I should give you some space. I thought “hey, when he is ready he'll come up to you”. But you never did. You went to Alice, to Jan, to Tom, to Isabella...you think that's fair?

  Silence. She was right. He knew she was right.

  - You're right... You're right....I'm sorry, Marie. Fuck, I'm so sorry... I guess that's why I wanted to see you tonight, to talk, ok? I was talking to Jan and he made me realize that, you know, that I should just come and fight for…

  - And you needed help to realize that? Seriously? - Marie

  - No, it's not that... I knew I needed to talk to you, I always knew, and I tried... I just... I just didn't know what to do Marie, ok? I told you more than once, I just didn't want to hurt you again...

  Silence

  - I-I just thought... that maybe it was being better for you to just stay away from me, you know, with everything that's happening, and for your family... I thought you dad wanted you away from me, to preserve you, and I thought he was righ... - She didn't let him finish it

  - So you did nothing... You let these months passed by just like that. Without telling me once what was going on. What was happening between the two of us...? Working out and playing guitar was more important... Talking to your ex-girlfriend was more important... Fuck Eric, I'm not even jealous, but you know how disrespectful that feels? ...Never knowing if we're dating or not, if we actually can count on each other or not....It's...Ahh... It's not fair.

  - What do you think I should've done?

  - I don’t know, Eric … Maybe what a normal couple would have done... It's like... Mike has a huge debt for which he is not accepting help, Tom is depressed because of Katherine. Depressed, Eric. Our best friend. Tom is a freaking mess, I never saw him like that, and you didn't even notice...And then there's the big fucking problem that you don't let anyone get closer to you. Neither of us... You sometimes talk to one or to another, but you don't really let us get close to you again after this shit happened... Now nobody is comfortable around each other because everyone decided to deal with their problems on their own, without daring even talking about it, for some macho-pride-bullshit... And you, after all of that, just give me some nice words in a nice restaurant when you feel you're about to lose me... Fuck Eric, you're making me say this things, be this person, that I don't wanna be. I'm just so fucking mad, and tired and disappointed... and hurt... Fuck.

  Silence. Marie's eyes were getting pretty wet and her hands were shaking. When she started to talk again, she was so sad that she sounded distant from reality.

  - But its ok....it's ok actually. Maybe it's a good timing, maybe its fate... My dad suggested me to accept this opportunity I have in the States... And why not hun? Maybe I'm just not that good of a girlfriend to you... If I was your girlfriend, right? At this point I think I'll never know.... Maybe you just need someone better, someone who doesn’t need to ask you these stupid questions, hun? Someone who doesn't fucking care that much...

  They looked at each other.

  It wouldn’t be only moving to another country. It would be the end.

  - … Tell me something, Eric … Anything, baby. Anything that you have to tell me...

  - Marie, please...

  - Hmm? - She was about to cry

  Eric slowly shook his head, as saying “don't go”. He looked at the Eiffel Tower on the distance. His home was getting shattered.

  - Tell me... Pleasee Eric- She asked again

  He deeply and painfully took a deep breath. He couldn't say everything he wanted to, for one single reason: She had already made her mind about finishing that dinner, ending it all, and that was killing him. She wanted to leave him. And he couldn't help to think that she should. He would never be better than that, and she (not him) deserved better. He couldn't promised he would be better. He couldn't promise he was not going to hurt her again. He had tried, he had failed.

  - ...Why don't you just talk to me?

  She didn't wait much for an answer

  - Alright...Goodbye, Eric.

  Marie dried the tears from her face and stood up to leave...

  - Please... Don't go... J-Just stay…- Said Eric, holding her hand. That just slipped. He just begged against everything he had just rationalize. Against knowing she didn't want to stay anymore. - Fuck Marie, please... I ...I....- He sighed – Just sit down...

  Marie gave him the saddest smile in the world and said, still drying some tears off her face.

  - I really, really, reaally loved you, you know?

  And then she left.

  This boy was not very different from many other regular boys when he was young, even though somehow he ended up becoming someone pretty unique.

  This boy was a lonely, quiet boy. As a child, this boy was always watching movies and reading books, and no one would be able to explain why such a tiny creature would devour those books and those movies like that. I guess, if someone had noticed, they would probably be able to come up with some sort of explanation, that’s for sure.

  This
boy learnt to read at a really young age, but for years it seemed like he wouldn't speak as much as normal people do.

  This boy would love reading books about different worlds, and even though not exclusively, about medieval times, or medieval fiction with knights and princess, kings, princes, swordfights and how people could fall in love only by looking at each other and how, in the end, honor, loyalty, purity and persistence would always win. Always.

  He would even love reading fantasy fiction books where there would be magic involved. You know the thing about magic worlds? It’s that they usually answer by fair rules and that gods and deities, good kings and heroes would eventually make things right, make things fair. Those books would make you believe. They would always make it worth it for all the bad times you had to face, when you just had to believe things would get better, especially when things didn’t ever look like they could have a happy ending.

  Heroes would stand up for the weak, and they would be admire and respected, even when people would disagree with them. There was respect and honor involved. Honor only meant to do the right thing, not matter the costs. Nothing else.

  Eventually, things would get better. Eventually, someone would always come to make it right, making the life of the weak easier, making the liars and corrupts pay for their crimes.

  We could always just know when we've met that special someone, and how they would just connect, and understand each other, and support each other, and go through everything just to stay together, because they knew it was right. They knew they were meant to be together.

  Religion would usually make people kind, generous and brave. We would always know the right thing was always to be kind and honorable, even when it wouldn't make sense. Even when it would be dangerous. Especially then.

  This boy believed that. He believed one day he would have friends that would die for him, and for whom he would gladly give his life for if it ever came to that. With whom he would have amazing adventures. He would be respected and admired for doing the right thing, even when it wouldn't make sense.

  He believed one day, he would meet someone, and from across a room, their eyes would just connect and they knew that they had found each other. They would do everything they could to stay together, and from that point on it could be them against the world that it wouldn't matter.

  This boy believed that the right thing to do would always be clear to him. It didn't matter how hard, or how painful. He would always knew what to do.

  Someday, it would be worth it to have been so honorable, good, and honest. Someday it would make sense why his parents were so mean and so absent so often. Why everyone of his own age were just so fucking stupid and mean to each other. And one day, somehow, he would find his own magic in this world and that that would make his life have some sense.

  ...But this boy grew up. He had to change schools a couple of times: He had never made any true friends because people would never make an effort to get close to him, and would always make him feel weird when he would be the one trying. Eventually, he did however found himself a couple of acquaintances who would talk to him at school because their parents were friends, and everyone was interested in maintaining the status quo.

  People that went to school with him started to drink at a really early age: He thought that was stupid. Go read a book, guys, seriously.

  They started to listen to music. He stayed quiet, while his classmates would brag about music they didn’t know or never telling them how bad their taste in music was.

  For pure pressure, from his parents, he eventually started to go to some parties with his acquaintances. His parents didn’t want their friends to think his kid was a weirdo. The boy hadn't faded under pressure: it just became pretty clear he would prefer to spend his time anywhere but home. He couldn't stand his parents, and his siblings were slowly, but persistently, becoming as selfish, egocentric and futile as his parents.

  One day though, he thought it all would change. It had too.

  Like in the books and movies he had so eagerly devoured, one day he saw this gorgeous girl getting into his life, as she walked in the room where he was. They would instantly look at each other.

  This boy and this girl soon enough were talking, alone on the rooftop of that party, away from everyone. She was funny, and she was smart. She was...genuine, in a city (...country) full of fake people.

  She wouldn't believe most of what she was hearing from that boy - Years later she said she couldn't believe how someone so insanely naive and honest hadn't been ran over by a truck - But something on him had touched her. She could just feel the immense heart that kid had. His dreams started to make her think she could dream, again, too. For a second, she looked to the world with the boy's eyes, and she had felt so much hope for the future.

  For a moment in time, the boy's dreams started to come true: He made friends, who he thought were the most loyal and honorable people he had ever met, in a twisted way, but still. He had a girlfriend with whom he finally had some true emotional connection, with dreams and magic for his life ahead. For years, he felt like he would never again in his life feel as happy and as hopeful as in those short few months.

  But it didn't last forever. Not that moment, not anything else.

  He needed help to understand the world. He needed help to understand how people can be so mean to each other. How religion sometimes creates the most evil of the monsters in our society. How it feels like we have no heroes anymore to look up to, because nobody is truly looking out for the weak.

  How nowadays, the world is trying to theorize selfishness as a good thing. How can that be possible?

  How can people say the problems of a country are poor immigrants trying to have a better life? Or how we should just not help the weak, because it would make them lazy? This boy's heroes would have never ever think like. Act like that.

  How it is just okay to imagine we should think about countries, rather than in the whole world as one. We should feel ashamed of how some countries try to close themselves to the problems of the world, as if they weren’t part of humanity.

  That's just not right.

  But as in a good novel, our boy endured. He could change that.

  With his friends and with his girlfriend, somehow, he felt he could change the world.

  One day, this boy had an(other) argument with his girlfriend. He wasn't used to that. How it would feel like she would try to make things difficult sometimes. Like she would deliberately try to hurt him other times.

  That argument felt pretty bad, so he decided to go talk to her a couple of hours later. When she got to her place, he felt like he was gonna die.

  She was fucking the guy he thought was his best friend. On the couch, in the living room, with the windows open, to everyone to see.

  They were fucking, they were not making love. They were fucking like animals.

  The boy froze for what it seemed to be an eternity, and the worst part is that they didn’t even noticed his presence there. They just kept going, moaning, screaming obscenities, hurting each other, because they enjoyed it.

  Soon after, they changed positions, and the sex was over in the most disgusting way the boy could've ever imagined.

  Then his friend saw him, and without giving much to it, he had just said “Hey boy” tired and sweating from what he had just done.

  The boy's girlfriend had barely a reaction. She just said “Holy fuck”, stood up and went to clean herself off, both of them still pretty comfortable on being naked in front of the boy.

  The boy decided to leave, as fast as he could from there.

&
nbsp; His friend started laughing, telling him to wait.

  The boy felt like he wouldn't be able to stand the pain, but he wasn't even able to cry. He just felt like he would never be able to leave his bedroom again. He closed his eyes, and stayed immersed in the infinite.

  Days later, he had a talk with that girl, and what they had “all decided” was that the girl would fuck any of them, whenever.

  The boy, as we know, wouldn't have accepted that.

  But he wasn't the boy anymore. Somehow, something now was making sense, and all the questions he had were buried deep down on his soul. He wouldn't need to worry about them anymore.

  He had to worry about fucking that girl, to prove her, to everyone else, and to himself how strong he was. How nothing would ever hurt him. How the world is not like the books he had read. How he just needed to get what he wanted in life, because no one else would ever give it to him. The more you have, the more power you have. The more power, well... More options to make your will prevail.

  He would never be a hero if he just kept being a naive, young kid in that city lost in the world, without nothing to say or nowhere to go. And if people know what you want, you can bet your ass they will do everything they can to take it away from you, laugh at your ambitions and make you believe you are destined to be frustrated, just like them. The secret for success? Never tell anyone your dreams. Just go and do it. You'll show them later.

  When everything was settle and done, after what happened in his city, he was gone in a heartbeat. Even then, he was sure he didn't care.

  The boy did accomplish a lot. Believing the worse part of his life was gone, that he was finally in control of his own life, he travelled the world and lived more stories and adventures than any person of his age could ever dream of. Every day he lived after that was a proof of how strong he had become.

  The boy changed. His mind kept questioning the world, but he had learnt how to shut it off pretty well. How not to care, because nobody can possibly care like that and stay alive in this world. He learned in first hand people are just waiting for you to make one single mistake to step on your head.