To the Paris of our dreams

by Tomas Goncalves

  - … He's kinda right, you know?

  - Yeah...I know...

  They started drinking some tea and eating some dessert in silence for a few minutes

  - Listen, I’m really really sorry, guys... I guess I just wanted you ...you know, not to worry about things...Probably that's what we all tried to do. Mike, not wanting you guys to worry about money, and the school and all. And I... I just wanted... Maybe I wanted to be strong for you guys, so you guys could have kept having fun and enjoying Paris for the rest of us...

  Gustavo sighed and nodded.

  - We know, man. It's just cuz... That's not how it works, dude. You actually think we could be that selfish to the point of having a blast while you and Mike were in deep shit? You think these things wouldn't affect us if we didn't deal with them together? You didn't think it would interfere in Mike and Isa's relationship and... With our family?

  Eric didn't say anything.

  - Yeah, I know... Truth is: I’m scared, guys. Of course I am. I’m not sure on what to do. But I can't lose you guys... I need... I need your company. Your help.

  Isa and Gustavo looked at each other, without knowing what to say, and they just stayed in that silence for a while.

  - … I screwed things up with Marie, again, and even with Mike, you know.

  - Really? - Isadora

  - Oh man... not this shit again... - Gustavo “tired of hearing about it”

  - Gustavo! That's not funny…. what are you gonna do about it? - Isa seemed to be concern for Eric

  - Well, I wanna fix things up... but I guess I need to make things right with Marie this time... With everyone, I mean. I tried to do the whole dinner thing, it didn't work quite well...

  - It will. She loves you, you know that. You guys have been so stressed lately. She seemed to be so tired this days, Eric… Maybe you should just try to talk to her again…

  Eric shrugged his shoulders

  - Last time we talked, she used the past tense, you know... – He paused – It was just weird, she told me she's considering moving to the States for a while. She was never that... fatalist about us.

  - Oh no, why does she want to move to the States? – She paused, Eric just shrugged his shoulders - Oh Eric, what are you gonna do?

  - I don't know...nothing I guess, nothing until I can promise myself things will be different... She deserves better than that. You all do…

  Isa held Eric's hand

  - We all do.

  - … It's ok, lil' sister – He said

  - Well, I’m pretty sure you'll find a way to go and get her back, hun Tiiiger? You are my brother after all... - Gustavo, making the sound of a tiger quietly growling and making a gesture with his hands, as if he was a tiger scratching something - ...I don't know dude, maybe she was just pms-ing. Did you try sending her chocolates already?

  Isadora and Eric just ignored the last comment.

  - Hey, I know what to do – Isa said

  - How to get his girl back? – Gustavo – Maybe a new girl for him? A stripper?!

  - Pff, that’s friggin easy...Guys are so lost about it ...all it takes sometimes is an honest talk, a poem, a declaration in front of everyone else...You know, things that make you go totally out of your – Gustavo was mocking his sister talking -...way to show someone you actually care abou-... - that's not funny Gustavo!

  - What a bunch of clichés, sister! You know why we don't do it? Because it's gay. And also… it`s not because we like to do it or that we don't, but to find a girl that makes these things to be worth doing....that's like the biggest challenge... besides, they never show you in movies or books the million things that could go wrong, if people around you laugh at you after, or something ridiculous like that... And how pathetic you should feel? Nah... I'll pass.

  - Ah, you can't be serious, Gustavo – Isadora

  - Ha! I guess you'll never know sista – Gustavo smiling

  - What a douche.... Anywaays, what I meant before all of his bullcrap, is that we could go home and watch a movie, hun? It’s still early... You know, some family bonding moment, with popcorn and all – Isadora was smiling at them

  - If there's beer, I'm in... - Gustavo

  - Yeah yeah. Whatever... - Isadora

  - Cool with me... Do you have any movie in mind? - Eric

  - Nops...we could also go to the movies too, it’s up to you guys... - Isa

  - Nah, I'm super tired, I feel like just laying down on our couch - Eric

  - Yeaaah...

  - Ok...pajamas, nice. That totally works for me – Isa smiled

  - Great...

  Two days after that dinner, Eric was trying to stay focused on his routine of trying to make music and studying as he had been doing in the last months.

  After a specially hard and long day, Tom appeared by surprise on the beginning of the night with Gustavo, Isa and Mike on the studio where they were training.

  - Hey guys, what are you doing here? - Eric smiled when he saw them all arriving at once.

  - I figured you guys could use some help ...and food, you know – Tom was smiling at him

  Eric smile opened ear to ear.

  - For sure, man...

  - Alrighttt

  - … Well, let's take a look on what you guys have been doing then... Perhaps we can help a bit- Mike smiled and winked at Eric

  - Alright bro...

  They showed them the demos, different possibilities and doubts that they were having for the material they had been creating.

  Mike and Tom quickly grabbed some instruments and they helped them for almost two hours. Together, in that couple of hours, they felt like they were producing way more than what they could have ever imagined.

  When it started to get late, Tom said:

  - Well, I have a place I wanna take you guys tonight

  - Oh yeah?

  - A party, Isa recommended the place, actually – Tom looked at Isa, she nodded - I feel we could all use a party, hun? - He smiled

  - Awesome

  - Yeaaah... move your ass, let's go...

  That party was amazing. After months, they finally started to have some fun again – Even Alice and her new boyfriend joined them with a couple of friends at some point in the night. Everybody called a couple of people they knew and soon enough they had some of Jan's friends, some Isa's friends, Gustavo's friends... They all decided to show up that night.

  The place was so packed that you would dance even if you didn't want to... but they did, and God how bad they did.

  The music was insane. The crowd was completely insane too.

  Gustavo and Jan were just grabbed by women who started to kiss them and dance with them and all of them were just getting crazy in that mixture of bodies, sweat and music.

  Isa and Mike were finally being a couple again, having fun, drinking and dancing together.

  Eric was having so much fun … even though he really missed Marie at that moment.

  The person who was truly reborn in that party was Tom: He danced like only he knew how to, for hours, with this gorgeous black girl, who apparently was not a bad dancer herself.

  At some point in the night, Tom even went
to the DJ, talked to him for a few minutes and actually got control of the music for a few minutes, and once again, the party had reached another level of insanity, with some really heavy dubstep.

  Tom danced the whole night; he brought attention upon them all the whole night. They kept meeting new people the whole night.

  Eric knew his friend was not one hundred percent and that it would probably take a good time to be so.

  But dancing was Tom's essence, since Eric had first met him.

  After that insane party, Eric knew that his old friend was back.

  With Mike and Tom's help, and also from a guy who was learning drums at their school (who got pretty excited about helping them) they started to be extremely productive.

  The persistence of spending hours and hours in that studio – Mike was spending as much as he could, even with all his responsibilities – and with the improvement of Eric's techniques, resulted in this creative frenesi – It wasn't easy, it didn't happen as magic, and it wasn't even that fast – But it was happening.

  Mike, as always, seemed to create music in a few minutes: With that, they would all get into the process of sharpening the music, and finally Tom, specialized in the small details and production of the songs, would finish it.

  Finally a bit of hope. A bit of hope that only that magic of creation could've brought to their lives, making it seem bearable again.

  If Eric wasn't feeling in heaven it was for one reason and one reason only: Marie.

  She hadn't called back, and they hadn't run into each other at the school after that night. No one had had any news from her – Maybe Tom, but Eric didn't want to put him in that position. It had been almost three weeks now.

  He was with this anxiety over what was going on with her and about what he should do, if he should do anything about it. Every time he would think about it, he would have to use all his strength to stop torturing himself over that.

  What could he do? And it wasn't even that... It was worse. He was afraid of losing her for good, if she did give him another chance. He was afraid of once more, fighting for the wrong person, for the wrong reasons, and mess it up.

  One more mistake, and he was afraid of losing her for good. Losing even her existence in his life. Maybe if he didn't try anything anymore, they could eventually still go back to being friends...

  … He just kept trying to make music. He was trying to put his soul onto it. Music was bringing people back together, so maybe if he kept doing it, it would make things right, once again.

  Isabella was once again back to Paris for a couple of weeks. On the day she arrived, Eric and her ended up going to have dinner together to talk. Surprisingly, Eric felt like talking to her. Like, really talking.

  I don`t still quite know what to do, with everything that`s happening, you know … - Eric

  Hmm… Well, things haven't being great, I know.

  Yeah, how are you doing by the way?

  ...I`m ok. I still feel like staying up north a bit more, but sometimes I still get a bit … Lost. That`s why I`m taking baby steps to come back to civilization, I suppose... I don't know, I just … feel like home there, right? It’s not cuz I'm afraid of coming to Paris or whatnot... I just find myself really... - She paused. She didn't know how to put it

  ...At peace? - Eric smiled. She eventually nodded – Yeah, I see … Well, you do look great.

  Hun… I`m feeling better, that's what matters I guess.

  Yeah, of course... - Eric

  ...How are you handling to stay away from all that?

  No idea… It`s fucking boring sometimes. A torture most of the times. But you know what they say, one day at a time…

  Yeah, same here … Fuck man

  I know…. It's … Well, to be honest, I was completely fine once we got to Paris, can you believe it? For real... And then shit started to happen, and... - He cleared his throat - It got bad, it started to get bad again...

  They had a bit of a sad grim on both of their faces.

  ...Hey, would you have ever imagine we would be sitting here, like this, after all those years? - Isabella smiled

  Not at all… - Eric smiled – … But I`m glad you`re here, Bella

  Yeah, me too – She smiled

  They both stayed in silence for a minute, just looking at people around them.

  So, what do you think I should do about Marie?

  Isabella smiled.

  Did I just hear it well? Did Eric Meirelles just ask me for advice about a girl?

  He laughed.

  Yeah, go ahead, laugh.

  Nooo... I think it`s soo sweet – She was making fun of him

  Yeah, Yeah…

  Hmm…. That depends Eric...

  On what?

  How much do you love that girl? – She was somewhat serious now.

  …I … - He was a bit embarrassed. He got surprised about the way she asked him that. He needed to pause for a second – A lot actually...

  Hmm – She slowly nodded then kept looking at him for a second with that “I`m seriously analyzing you right now” face. She didn't say anything so he decided to speak.

  But... I`m just so tired… of hurting her, actually. Isn`t that stupid? I`ve been trying so hard for the last few months to become a better person, and I still hurt her … like, all the time. Again, and again...

  Uhum… Well…

  Well what?

  I don`t know, Eric. I don`t know how to tell you what you need to hear…

  … ?

  She got quiet for what it seemed to be almost a full minute.

  You want to know the truth, Eric? The actual truth about it?

  … Yeah

  You sure?

  Yeah… - He was getting a bit restless with the way that talk was going

  … You let yourself become a fucking asshole since we first met, man... I kind of told you that already.

  He didn`t say anything. Isabella looked away and then looked back at him, staring at him with her big, colorful eyes.

  Yeah… You should know that by now. You turned into this asshole, I guess because Samuel was the only guy you ever respected... for a long time. You were always such a nice, sweet guy with your books and movies and music when we started dating. And then, we all screw up, me particularly, and I guess you thought that you needed to become Samuel so what I did to you never happened again. Or to prove something to someone... Or... I don't know. Maybe you thought nobody would ever truly love who you were...

  He just kept looking at her as she kept talking.

  But, man… That`s not who you are: you`ve been hurting people in the exact same way I`ve hurt you, and Samuel hurt you... Yes, yes you are – Eric had started to shake his head, denying it - And you knoow that… You became a fucking misogynistic asshole with all that macho bullshit that Samuel would always spit around, because you thought I...or everyone else, respected Samuel more than we respected you… - She sighed - You know what is the big problem with you and Marie? You still didn`t forgive her for not waiting for you in Paris like a nun, like a helpless princess from one of your romantic books from the eighteenth century… Oh my god, she fucked another guy. An ex-boyfriend that she probably was still in love with and with who she was trying to work things out. So what? Grow up, man. Women like sex too. A lot actually...– Eric tried to start saying “No, there`s nothing to do wi…” but Isabella cut him off – Yes, of course there is. She fucked another guy. That`s horrible. She broke hmm...She didn't quite fit the image of the perfect girl you had for yourself anymore. You in the other hand, as soon as she did that, started dating Alice, and then started to fuck around like a sex addict during our tour and that was perfectly okay? How do you think she felt? And Really? Just because you`re a guy? Come on, Eric,
tell me I`m wrong. I dare you... Tell me that there isn`t a tiny, quiet voice inside of you reminding you that she doesn`t deserve you because she had sex with another guy after you guys met? - She paused – Or even how you never truly respected me for sleeping around during our tour together. You didn't bro... Or how you were so expecting that Marie's life would depend on your decisions and your good will? Come on, man. She has a life, she learned to be fucking strong, yes, man... She has a life of her own now, and that intimidated you, how badass she became... that fast, with everything that happened in her life, how she … You know, manages the center, how she apparently is such a good teacher, and musician, and friend, and ...- Isabella took a pause - How she took control of her life and its making decisions without you and … you know, showing that ,yes bro, she wants you in her life, but if that doesn’t work, she's gonna move on and eventually she's gonna be just fine – She paused again for a long while – Eric... Have you ever tried to put yourself in her shoes? I mean, Imagine if the same thing had happened to you but you were the girl and she was the guy. What would you think about yourself? About this whole relationship? What would you want, and what would you do? Would you have stuck around that long?

  Eric had no answer for anything Isabella had asked him. He just sat there, looking at her, until he relaxed on his chair, and a part of him just realized that she was probably right, and he knew it. He had probably been lying to himself for a while.

  After that talk, he spent several days with those thoughts on his mind, as he was walking down the street, or eating or even as he was trying to create music. A couple more nights passed by where he had barely slept, thinking about what his friend had told him: thinking about his life and about his mistakes. Then, fate interfered: He ended up running into Marie during one morning at the school, and Eric had no idea how to react. After a second of awkwardness in the air, they ended up getting closer to each other. They just walked to the benches near the school in silence.

  - Hey...

  - … Hey

  - How are you?