My Ex-Wife Said Go to Hell

by Zurosky, Kirk

  “Indeed,” I said, completely over the fact that my bedmates were once, well—worms. “So what do you do?”

  Knowledge winked at Wisdom, and they both licked their lips. “Well, we do the only logical thing. We meet in the middle.” And with that, Knowledge began kissing my legs gently, working gradually upward, and Wisdom started at my neck and chest and headed lower. The harp music grew louder as they met in the middle and cooed with great satisfaction, intent on giving my swollen member an education with those long, supple tongues of theirs.

  The two girls had no problem sharing what I had to offer them, and after a while Wisdom slid back and dropped her gilded honey into my face, and I was only too happy to taste her sweetness. Knowledge settled in on my manhood and found pleasure instantly, singing out to the world of her orgasmic joy in knowing me. After one final crescendo for Knowledge, the girls switched places, and I knew Wisdom intimately and licked up all the Knowledge I could. When Wisdom had had enough of me, they met at my middle again, and Knowledge and Wisdom then intertwined their tongues, kissing each other and me all at the same time. I could feel the beginning of my glorious end building with each touch and lick of their tongues, and I sang my own song of utter joy as my lesson from Wisdom and Knowledge was complete. They curled up, one on each side of me, their gossamer wings blanketing me softly, and I slept the deepest most peaceful sleep I had experienced in ages.

  When I awoke, Justice, Knowledge, and Wisdom were all gone from his abode, but the servant who had shown me to my room made it clear that I was forbidden from leaving Justice’s home under the pain of death. Just how was I going to pass the time during the next five years? The servant showed me into Justice’s library, where my counselor had preselected some of his favorite law books for me to read. And I thought lawyers didn’t have a sense of humor. I shrugged, picked up a book, and promptly fell asleep at the table, only to be awakened by Knowledge and Wisdom, who had some excellent suggestions for how to pass the time. It was going to be an amazing five years. The next day I practically ran to Justice’s library for my nap and to get ready to enjoy some more Knowledge and Wisdom. I was disappointed to find Justice there, who clearly enjoyed telling me that time did not pass in his library the same way as it did outside it. Five years had passed, and my hearing in Immortal Divorce Court was tomorrow. I did get one last night with Knowledge and Wisdom, however!

  I awakened refreshed and ready. Next to my bed a full breakfast was laid out, which I hungrily devoured. I smiled when I reached for the last bowl and found some blood oranges. “Thank you, Persephone,” I said out loud, devouring the blood oranges with renewed hunger, and the leafy bower atop my bed seemed to answer back as it swished in the slight breeze that had suddenly entered my room. I dressed in the clothes that had also been laid out for me, as my own had been discarded, and I went to find Justice.

  He was waiting for me in the atrium, dressed in his finest gold robes. Fire shot from his eyes as his intensity literally smoldered below the surface of his massive intellect. “Ah, there you are, Sinister,” he said. “I trust you slept well?” He let the barest trace of a knowing smile creep across his steely countenance.

  “As a matter of fact I did,” I replied. Actually, I felt incredibly calm and collected in spite of the uncertainty facing me in court. “Thanks for the clothes and breakfast.”

  “Not a problem,” Justice said. “Just do me a favor this time.”

  “Sure, what can I do?”

  Justice put both his hands on my shoulders. “Whatever you do, whatever happens, you have to remain as calm and relaxed as you are right now.” He looked at me very carefully, as if trying to examine the deepest part of my soul. “Hmm,” he said. “I guess a little dose of wisdom and knowledge really does change a man.”

  On cue, Wisdom and Knowledge flitted up, dressed for court in matching gold tunics with cut-outs in the back from which their iridescent wings protruded. They landed, and each looped an arm around me, while in the others, they each held a sheaf of writing papers. “Hello, Sirius,” Wisdom said, patting my bottom.

  “Good morning, Sirius,” said Knowledge, sneaking a kiss on my cheek.

  Justice laughed and shook his head. “Ladies,” he said, “I am trusting both of you to help me keep this randy vampire calm in court. The last time he was in open court, he did not do so well and ended up getting sentenced to Hell for contempt for one hundred years.”

  “Oh my,” said Wisdom, putting a petite hand over her mouth.

  “The horror!” Knowledge exclaimed, holding me just a little bit tighter. “How did you ever survive such a dastardly and evil place?”

  “That is a story for another day, ladies,” Justice said. “Mr. Sinister is in your capable hands. Let us go.” I followed Justice out the door, and we walked in the direction of the IDC courthouse. Justice had taken some of my gold and posted a bond, and although the faeries scowled menacingly at me while at the same time ogling Knowledge and Wisdom, they could do nothing but let me pass. I sighed and felt my nerves begin to rise and my stomach tighten. Would anyone notice if I vomited my breakfast?

  “Easy now,” said Wisdom, rubbing my arm gently.

  “You are among friends,” said Knowledge. I breathed deeply and focused on the harp music and was once again calm. We reached the courthouse steps, and I followed Justice up to the door, while Knowledge and Wisdom more flitted than walked. The faerie deputy guarding the door barely gave Justice and me a second look, saving his gaze for the two ladies. I couldn’t say I blamed him, but found myself pulling Knowledge and Wisdom a little closer to me to try and protect them from his outright leer. Men really are lascivious louts, and now I had four ladies of my own to protect from the assembled phalluses of the world. I sighed because, hopefully, Justice would give me the chance to do that.

  Justice turned to have a word with me as we reached the courtroom, but I had already stopped, stunned by what I saw pictured on those awful obsidian doors. Amidst the many moving faces of past litigants, I saw Bloodsucker Number One and Angus Blackheart. The Howler, too, revolved around to make an appearance. But what unnerved me was my own angry face spewing silent words as I sat chained to my seat, awaiting the Head Magistrate’s order. I could not let that happen again. Knowledge and Wisdom each tightened their grip on my arms and pulled me into the courtroom behind Justice. My spirits were lifted by the sight of Garlic’s little head popping up on the door, clearly satisfied with having left the Head Magistrate a present on his bench.

  I took a seat next to Justice at one of the counsel tables and carefully examined my chair for any signs of magical gold chains. “Don’t worry,” Justice said, reading my mind. “They are there and ready for use. Just make sure that doesn’t happen, got it?” Knowledge and Wisdom smiled reassuringly from the bench behind our table, and I felt better and calmer instantly.

  “I got it,” I said. I saw that the clerks and deputies were pointing at me and whispering, and looking all around the courtroom. What were they saying? Was it that little contempt issue?

  Justice leaned in and, half chuckling said, “They are looking for Garlic.” So that was what they were doing! “Not everyone can say they nearly destroyed Immortal Divorce Court,” he added. “You are a local celebrity of sorts. But a word of advice—don’t get yourself thrown in Hell this time. Word is the Lord of Darkness has some payback planned.”

  That was the second time I had heard of my dalliance with Persephone creating a problem—a big, angry, demonic Lord of the Underworld kind of problem. “Are you telling me what Cabernet said is true, and big, bad, and soul crushing wants me dead?”

  “Oh yes,” Justice said. “He wants you more than just dead if he can manage it. But you can’t worry about that now. The Blackhearts and their attorney are about to enter the courtroom, so get some color back in your face, will you? Here, eat another blood orange.”

  I hurriedly gulped one down and felt instantl
y better. Persephone’s gifts were many, and I mused some of them weren’t even fatal! I turned as the courtroom doors opened, and in strode the Blackhearts. Angus came first, wearing his finest robes of black silk, his blond hair hanging loose over his massive shoulders. He glared at me, and I met his stare with my fangs bared. How I wanted to kill this man who was responsible for taking me away from my children and robbing me of countless irreplaceable memories. I stood up and pushed out my chest, and a low growl came from my throat, prompting the faerie deputies to get between us.

  “Easy now,” Justice warned, and Knowledge and Wisdom each rested a hand on one of my shoulders, gently trying to get me to sit down.

  “Yeah, you don’t want to get hurt, do you, boy?” goaded Angus, flipping directly at my scowling face a link of the enchanted gold chain that had kept me bound and away from my girls for years.

  With a dual wave of their gossamer wings, Knowledge and Wisdom created a miniature tornado, which sucked the chain into its vortex and sent it whizzing right back into Angus’s grinning face. He stumbled backward, putting a hand on the railing to catch his balance. He whirled to attack, a mighty growl bursting from his lips. He reached for his massive broadsword, which was notably absent from his waist, then stopped, looking sheepishly at the frowning deputies who barred his path and pointed for him to take a seat—which he wisely chose to do. I smiled and shrugged my shoulders, taking my seat next to Justice once again. I would have given anything at that moment for a spider to have dropped smack dab onto his pompous head.

  Next into court came the Howler, dressed in her finest pirate leathers, and upon her head, a plumed black hat with a single peacock feather protruding from its top. She looked at me and rolled her eyes in disdain, smirking as she held up a small silver baby rattle and shook it in my direction. The Howler strutted down the aisle to meet her father. Gone was the weight of childbearing from her face and body, and back was the brash attitude. She looked as good as I remembered from that brief idyllic time on Saona Island, but radiated such haughty indifference that I felt nothing for her but anger.

  Knowledge and Wisdom gave her their own looks of disdain, and each placed a hand lovingly on my arms. The Howler clearly did not like being outshone by these two beauties, and her smile turned quickly to a pouty frown. I was happy to disappoint her once again by giving her no reaction whatsoever. I was not going to give her the satisfaction. The deputies and Justice seemed much relieved at my choice to remain calm.

  What did I ever see in that girl, I wondered. I pulled my eyes from her and leaned in to Justice. “Where is their attorney?” I asked.

  “Oh, he is coming,” said Justice, not looking up from his papers. He sniffed the air and wrinkled his nose. “Yes, definitely on the way.”

  Into the courtroom pranced two young mortals wearing sleeveless purple leather vests adorned with pink ostrich feathers. They looked to be twins, with matching high cheekbones and long wavy blond hair. Copious amounts of rouge reddened their cheeks, already flushed with the vigor of youth, and they also wore too much rouge on their full, pouty lips. They were so pretty they had to be girls, yet had a little too much girth in the shoulders not to be boys. Frankly, I could not tell if they were young boys or young girls, but I looked downward at their matching pink breeches drawn so tight that I could see their man parts unpleasantly and quite clearly. What was this? “Law clerks,” whispered Justice. “No accounting for taste . . .”

  In came a herald, a whole lot fatter, a whole lot balder, and definitely a whole lot older than the two prancing pixies that were law clerks to the Blackhearts’ attorney. Unfortunately for him and everyone else in the courtroom, he was wearing the same purple and pink ensemble as the young, lithe boys. “That is Evan,” said Justice with a smirk. “In his younger days, he used to be a law clerk. But he got old, as mortals do.”

  I felt sorry for Evan, as his belly was straining the ostrich vest to the bursting point, which, on second glance, was missing quite a few feathers. Fortunately, his girth was covering his nether regions. The rouge on his lips and face gave him the appearance of a court jester or a man that had lost a wager—badly at that. “I am afraid to ask what he does,” I said, seeing him whip out a small trumpet.

  Justice put his fingers into his ears, and I quickly did the same. “He is now a herald.” And with that, Evan blew with all his might on the small horn, his face getting ever redder in the process. The two pretty ones had retreated to the door to await the coming of their master. Their smiles seemed permanently etched on their faces, and they made me want to smack them right in their ruby-red lips to see if their expressions would change. I bet that would be a firm no.

  Evan finished his trumpet playing and, after a brief coughing fit, cleared his throat, and announced, “Hear ye, hear ye. Now presenting to this honorable court and all who seek to try their business here, the one, the only, Sir Gareth Flockingham the Third!”

  The two clerks immediately began jumping up and down clapping quickly, and their smiles grew even greater, if that was humanly possible. Wisdom leaned over and put her lips to my ear, which I found quite reassuring. “Happy little fellows, no?” I nodded and craned my head to see the door opening and in striding a gigantic peacock. No, not an overly glamorous man—it was literally a gigantic peacock on a pink leash. And holding that leash was the man I assumed was Sir Gareth Flockingham III.

  Sir Gareth was dressed in lavender robes of the finest silk, and he wore atop his long, curly black locks a lavender hat garnished with a single pink and purple peacock feather. The robes were tailored to his form and barely hid the massive shoulders and thick body particular to werewolf kind. Whereas Angus Blackheart and his daughter radiated a primal seething anger, Sir Gareth’s gray eyes flitted around the room, focusing on everything and nothing all at once, betraying no emotion or stray thought. We locked gazes for the barest of moments, and a wry smile creased his lips, reminding me of the look a fox gets when he enters the henhouse without being spied. No mangy mongrel was he, but rather a dangerous and cagey old carnivore.

  Sir Gareth handed off the peacock to one of the clerks and walked, nay sashayed, to the Blackhearts’ counsel table. He made a big show of shaking Angus’s hands and of kissing the Howler on her cheek, not once, not twice, but three times for effect. From the look of him, I thought he would rather have fancied trying that greeting on Angus. Sir Gareth turned and placed one neatly manicured hand on Justice’s shoulder. How did Sir Pretty Hands make his fingernails look so sparkly, I wondered. “Justice, so good to see you. old chum,” he said, his voice clear and projecting like his every word was a bit of operatic prose.

  “Yes, it is, isn’t it,” Justice replied, flashing his golden fangs ever so slightly. “You look well, Gareth, although perhaps just a teeny bit stouter since I last saw you.” Justice cast a glance at Gareth’s midsection, and Wisdom and Knowledge tittered like schoolgirls.

  Gareth’s face grew dark, and his gray eyes drew into slits as he stared evilly at the two girls. “I should have crushed you two beneath my boots when I had the chance,” he said, turning on his heel and taking his seat next to the Blackhearts. His clerks ran to him, spritzed his face with perfumed mist, and patted a stray black curl back into place.

  “What was that all about?” I asked Justice. “Does he have a relationship with Knowledge and Wisdom?”

  “Knowledge and wisdom aren’t exactly his thing,” Justice said. “He is more of a cunning and guile kind of fellow.” He pointed to the names of Sir Gareth’s law clerks, stitched on the back of their pink breeches. “See, that one is Cunning, the other is Guile—please learn to read by our next courtroom escapade.”

  “No, I mean our Knowledge and Wisdom,” I said.

  “Oh, right, yes, Sir Gareth clerked for me for just one day when he was in law school,” Justice said. “He couldn’t handle the bookworms and kept fainting every time he saw them. So he had to be let go, and to tell you
the truth, if he saw them the way you have, I bet he would still faint dead away on the spot.”

  The faerie deputy snapped to attention and took a small brass horn from a shelf. He expertly played a long series of notes, holding the last one for dramatic effect. I glanced over and saw Evan looking at the deputy lovingly, but I wasn’t sure if it was the horn playing or something else. “All rise—hear ye, hear ye,” the deputy boomed. “May this honorable court come to order.”

  I rose to my feet and looked at Justice, who gave no expression, as always. Wisdom and Knowledge each grabbed an arm of mine and stood so close to me that their hips were touching mine. I looked over at the Howler’s table, and Angus returned my gaze with a wave, although he chose not to use all his fingers. The Howler sneered and shook her dried phallus necklace at me to send the not so subtle message that she intended to take my heart, my manhood, and my gold, in no particular order.

  The deputy ignored the peacock that chose at that moment to let out a great caw, and continued his introduction. “Please remain standing for I present to you, Head Magistrate Jane Dough.” The deputy blew on his horn once more, and with her frail frame blanketed under a gold robe that easily looked several sizes too big for her, in walked Jane Dough, Head Magistrate of the Immortal Divorce Court. Though her frame was slight, her eyes were ever bright and her intelligence obvious to all that met her gaze. She pushed a stray strand of blonde hair off her face and, hitching up her robe, stepped up to the bench and settled into her seat.

  “She’s the head magistrate now?” I hissed in disbelief to Justice, who shushed me loudly. “But, she testified in my first case. Isn’t that against the rules?”

  Justice turned to me and smirked. “I am actually impressed that you thought of that all by yourself,” he said. “But no, that was a different case. She was not a magistrate then, and I assure you she has absolutely no connection to the Blackhearts or to their foppish counsel.”