My Ex-Wife Said Go to Hell

by Zurosky, Kirk

  Head Magistrate Dough fixed her eyes upon me, and looked to the Howler and then back to me. She gave no indication that she knew me or, more accurately, had testified against me. “Mr. Justice,” she said, “we are here on your motion to dismiss the charges against Mr. Sinister.”

  “Yes, we are, Your Honor,” Justice replied. “And also, there is the matter of the children. The Blackheart woman, in a conspiracy with her father, Angus Blackheart, both seated over at yonder counsel table, has kept my client from seeing his rightful issue.”

  “Sir Gareth, what say you?”

  Sir Gareth stood and straightened his lavender robes. He cleared his throat, held his head high, and began to speak. “Justice’s motion to dismiss is mere folly and poppycock, Your Honor. I have never seen the like of it in my four hundred years of practice.”

  Justice gnashed his teeth, and this time red sparks flew from his mouth. “I concede Sir Gareth is well versed in folly and certainly poppycock, or any sort of cock, for that matter,” he interjected. “But this is a court of law, and we have rules here, and this is my motion to dismiss, not his opportunity to spout operatic babble.”

  The Head Magistrate barely suppressed a smile. “Indeed, counselors, indeed,” she said. “Let us get to heart of the matter. Sir Gareth, please take your seat and know that you will get your turn, but I expect to hear a bit more from you when you do, other than pomp and idle ramblings. Justice, you may begin the prosecution of your case.”

  “Thank you, Your Honor,” Justice said. “We call Angus Blackheart to the stand.” Justice caught both Sir Gareth and Angus by surprise, and Angus kept waiting for Sir Gareth to object, pontificate, or do something to save him from testifying. Instead, Sir Gareth merely nodded to the deputy and to the Howler and Angus like there was no problem at all with the elder Blackheart testifying. Angus had to tell the truth, and the deputy who brought over that crystal globe with the raging fire within it was certainly going to ensure he did!

  “Place your hand on the perjury globe,” the deputy said with a scowl. “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, or risk incineration in the tenth level of Hell?”

  Angus shuddered. “I do,” he said, his voice cracking ever so slightly. I realized I was perhaps the only creature on the planet, with the exception of dear Garlic, that had fond memories of Hell!

  Justice peered over his spectacles at Angus, whose oversized body looked quite uncomfortable squeezed into the witness stand. “State your name for the record,” Justice commanded, walking up to the witness stand.

  “I am Angus Blackheart.”

  Justice turned and pointed to me. “And that man, Sirius Sinister, was married to your daughter, who sits here in the courtroom next to Sir Gareth Flockingham the Third, correct?”

  “That is correct,” Angus agreed, looking to Sir Gareth for approval and receiving none.

  “And it is true, Mr. Blackheart, is it not, that no sooner had Mr. Sinister married your daughter and she gave birth to their four daughters, that you kidnapped him and imprisoned him in a dungeon at the bottom of Peel Castle?”

  Angus stared for a moment at Sir Gareth, who nodded ever so slightly, a smile creasing his face in a manner that unnerved me. What was running through the mind of that wretched gray fox? Angus could only answer yes, couldn’t he? Angus’s eyes went to the fiery globe, and he swallowed hard. “Yes,” he said. “That is true, absolutely true.” Angus looked down from the witness stand at me and continued. “I left that poor excuse for a son-in-law chained down there to rot for what I hoped was all eternity.”

  “Disappointed, are you?” said Justice.

  “Clearly,” Angus replied.

  Justice peered at Angus, placing his hand on the witness stand. “And Mr. Sinister was imprisoned there for twelve years, isn’t that so, Mr. Blackheart?”

  “Objection,” said Sir Gareth, sounding a bit bored. I noticed that when he objected, he hadn’t even bothered to look up at the Head Magistrate or Angus, but was busy shuffling through his papers. One of his assistants leaned forward and spritzed him with perfume as Sir Gareth rose slowly and dramatically to his feet. I decided Sir Gareth could make even picking his pompous ass look dramatic and showy.

  “Grounds, Sir Gareth?” said Head Magistrate Dough.

  “The witness stated he kidnapped Mr. Sinister, chained Mr. Sinister to a dungeon wall in Castle Peel, and thereafter left Mr. Sinister,” said Sir Gareth. “There has been no testimony that he has any knowledge of Mr. Sinister’s whereabouts since. The only one to have testified about that is Mr. Justice, and that is thus not evidence, Your Honor.”

  “Your objection is sustained, Sir Gareth. Continue, Mr. Justice,” said the Head Magistrate.

  Justice nodded and looked like he had expected the objection. I felt the light touch of Wisdom and Knowledge upon my shoulders. I sure hoped he had expected it. But the truth was that Angus and the Howler had chained me up, then left for Liverpool. They really did not know if I had stayed chained to the wall or not. It is not like they came back to check on me!

  “Mr. Blackheart,” Justice said, “is it true that the chains you bound Mr. Sinister with were enchanted?”

  “Yes, that is true,” Angus bragged, puffing out his chest. “A werewolf couldn’t break them, so a puny vampire like him had no chance in Hell—” Angus stopped short as Sir Gareth had fixed his best withering gaze upon him. I smiled. Angus did like to talk. I had learned the hard way the lesson of talking too much, while testifying in court my last time.

  “And those chains came from right here,” Justice said. “You got those chains from someone at Immortal Divorce Court, did you not?”

  The Head Magistrate perked up on the bench. She was more than just a little interested in the answer. And so was I.

  “Objection,” said Sir Gareth. “It is immaterial, and quite irrelevant, where those chains came from. The witness has admitted he chained up Mr. Sinister. Asked and answered ad nauseam.”

  “Overruled,” said the Head Magistrate. “Answer the question, Mr. Blackheart.”

  Angus gulped. “The assistant to the Immortal Divorce Court’s blacksmith owed a lot of gold to me for gambling debts,” he said. “To forgive those debts instead of me taking his wife, his house, and his life, he procured some extra unused links and made me the chains. He said they were just going to be burned in the forge anyway, and thus, no one would ever notice they were given to me.”

  The Head Magistrate nodded and turned to the deputy. “Place the assistant blacksmith under arrest for questioning. Mr. Blackheart, I am not done with you yet either. Those chains are Immortal Divorce Court property and, thus, not to be used for personal gain. Continue, Mr. Justice.”

  “You don’t know of any way to break those chains, do you, Mr. Blackheart?” Justice said.

  “No,” Angus replied, glaring at me. “I meant for him to rot in that cell forever.”

  “Besides you and your daughter and henchmen, who knew Mr. Sinister was there in that cell?” Justice asked.

  “There was no one else,” Angus started, staring at the globe, which began to heat to a white hot glow. “Wait, wait, I remember. Give me a minute! It was the Winter Witch! She knew he was there!”

  “And how did the Winter Witch know that?”

  Angus shrugged, looking at Justice like he was an idiot. “I told her,” he said. “She was still all mad about Sirius Sinister having relations with her before the wedding, and leaving her before she was done with him.”

  “Wasn’t your daughter angry with him?” Justice asked. “And that’s why you imprisoned him, isn’t it?”

  “Oh no,” Angus replied. “Our plan to imprison him was hatched long before he stuck it in at the inn with that witch. My daughter was done with him. He served his purpose. Sinister being with the witch is of no consequence to her. Me, well, I was not so happy. That is my
sweet and innocent little girl over there, you know? So I let my fists give Sinister a little goodbye lesson before I left him. And I have not seen him since, until today.”

  Angus was looking to Sir Gareth for approval. But I turned to see Sir Gareth’s head in his hand, rubbing his eyes in disbelief at his client’s testimony. Justice merely smiled. “Why did you tell the Winter Witch where Mr. Sinister was?”

  “Because she said she wanted to go torture him,” Angus replied. “Which, I have to say, sounded pretty good to me.”

  “Did the Winter Witch go to Peel Castle?”

  Angus shrugged. “You would have to ask her. I don’t know, but I sure hope she did.”

  “I have no more questions of this witness,” Justice said, taking his seat. Wisdom and Knowledge patted my shoulders, and Wisdom made a face at the Howler, who turned her head and rolled her eyes. I thought things had gone well. Angus had admitted he planned to imprison me all along. Nice father-in-law. Not exactly a welcome-to-the-family moment.

  Sir Gareth strolled over to Angus, stopping for a moment to let one of his clerks brush a bit of lint off his robe and smooth the back of it. “Now then, Mr. Blackheart,” he said. “You chained Mr. Sinister and left him?”

  “Yes,” said Angus.

  “And is it your sworn testimony that neither you nor your daughter have seen Sinister until today?”

  “Yes, that is true.”

  “So you cannot tell this court where Mr. Sinister has been these last nearly twelve years, other than he was not in Liverpool, being a good husband and father?”

  “Yes, that is true, all of it,” said Angus, looking around the room for approval from any that would meet his gaze.

  Sir Gareth walked to his table, pulled out a length of chain, and held it out to Angus. “Is this a piece of the chain you bound Mr. Sinister with?”

  Angus peered at the chain. “It looks to be, yes.”

  Sir Gareth walked back and forth in front of Angus, swinging the chain in a circle. “Mr. Blackheart, do you know what Mr. Sinister’s chosen trade is?”

  “He is an assassin.”

  Sir Gareth nodded as if pleased. “Would it surprise you to know that he was trained in all means of escape and concealment by the esteemed and revered Master Assassin Ernesto Sinestra, who also happens to be his father?”

  “I did not know that,” Angus said. “Ernesto is a legend. I did not make that connection. His father! But that’s where I sent—”

  “Thank you, that’s enough,” Sir Gareth interrupted Angus. What was Angus about to say? What did he send to my father? “So it is possible that Mr. Sinister escaped those chains right after you left him and has, thus, purposefully and intentionally abandoned your daughter and grandchildren these last sixteen years?” Sir Gareth continued.

  “Yes, it is,” Angus replied. “We never saw him in Liverpool. Truth is, I do not know if the chains were to have bound him for eternity or not. All I know is that when he failed to return from Peel Castle, we had no choice but to file for divorce.”

  Sir Gareth returned to his table and picked up a small silver plate onto which he placed the chain. “Have you ever heard of Amor Lo Conquista Todo, Mr. Blackheart?”

  Angus shrugged. “I have not.” He looked confused, and I felt the same way. How did Sir Gareth know about that? He pulled out a small flask and pulled off the stopper, dumping the contents upon the chain, which melted into a small puddle of gold liquid and dripped over the plate to the floor.

  “Amor Lo Conquista Todo, which means to the English speaking, ‘love conquers all,’” Sir Gareth said. “It is a rare vintage of wine with even rarer properties. Look at your enchanted chains, Mr. Blackheart. Are they gone?”

  Angus could not believe what his eyes had just witnessed. “Aye,” he said. “Where did you get that?”

  Sir Gareth ignored Angus and continued with his questions. “So, Mr. Blackheart, if Mr. Sinister had access to some of this wine, he could have easily freed himself, correct?”

  “Objection,” Justice said. “Leading.”

  “Sustained,” said the Head Magistrate. “Sir Gareth, rephrase your question.”

  “Of course, Your Honor,” Sir Gareth said with a smile. “Please excuse my silly little direct examination mistake. Did the wine dissolve the chains just now, Mr. Blackheart?”

  “It did,” Angus said.

  “If you, or Sinister, or anyone poured this wine on those chains, would it dissolve them?”

  “Yes,” Angus agreed. “It would seem to be the case.”

  I was convinced that Sir Gareth was pulling one over on the court, since love was required for the Amor Lo Conquista Todo to work. Out of the corner of his eye, Justice could see me getting worked up. “Don’t worry about it,” he said in a well-practiced whisper. “It worked because Sir Gareth is in love with himself and with being a lawyer. Now, shhh.”

  “Do you know who all the guests were at the wedding of Mr. Sinister and your daughter?” Sir Gareth continued, waving a finger in the air like he was conducting an orchestra. I realized that Justice was right, and Sir Gareth really thought he was an artist when he worked.

  “Of course not,” Angus snorted. “There were hundreds of people there. I mean, I know all the important ones, if that is what you mean.”

  “There was a troll at the wedding, correct?”

  “Objection,” Justice shouted. “If he leads the witness any more, they might as well be dancing.”

  “Withdrawn,” said Sir Gareth. “May I have a little latitude, Your Honor? I am just trying to move this along. Was there a troll at the wedding?”

  “Yes, there was,” said Angus. “A big black troll with a prodigious taste for wine. I think his name was Oliver. He supplied the wine for Mr. Sinister as a present.”

  “Would it surprise you to know that Oliver’s surname is von Cliffingham?”

  “You mean the von Cliffingham family of famous wine vintners, purveyors, and importers/exporters?” Angus spurted. “It would surprise me. But that would explain the fine taste of those vintages.”

  Sir Gareth handed him the empty flask of Amor Lo Conquista Todo. “Read the bottom of the bottle to the court, if you will, Mr. Blackheart.”

  Angus peered at the bottle, squinting at the small gold letters embossed on the bottom. “‘Imported from Parts Unknown by OvC,’” he said.

  Sir Gareth looked like a violet viper all coiled up and ready to strike, but waited until Angus had finished. “Do you know what the OvC signifies?”

  “Yes, I do,” Angus said proudly. “It is the insignia of Oliver von Cliffingham!”

  “No more questions,” said Sir Gareth. “May we take a short recess, Your Honor? My nose needs some rather liberal powdering.”

  “Let it be so,” said the Head Magistrate. “We shall reconvene at the top of the hour.” I rose with the others in the courtroom as the Head Magistrate left the bench. So Sir Gareth had shown that Oliver was the one that had made the bottles of the Amor Lo Conquista Todo. What of it? Just because he was my friend did not mean that I had used it to free myself. Actually, I did use it, or rather Hedley Edrick did—oh, blast that infernal Sir Gareth.

  Justice led me to a conference room outside of the courtroom. “Wait here,” he said. “I need to go see the head deputy. I need a special warrant sworn out.”

  I had so many questions to ask him and blurted them all out. “How did it go? What about Oliver and the wine? It looks like I freed myself with the wine, doesn’t it?”

  Wisdom put her mouth on mine and kissed me long and deep. Justice smiled. “That is one way to shut up a vampire, I suppose,” he said. “Do not concern yourself with Sir Gareth’s smoke and mirrors, and a little, shall we say, circumstantial evidence?”

  “Circumcision-what?” I asked, quite confused.

  “Coincidence, whimsy, luck of the draw, happensta
nce,” said Knowledge, patting my shoulder. I opened my mouth to speak, and Wisdom closed it for me with another kiss. That fantastic long pink tongue of hers wrapped all around mine for a titillating moment, and I felt myself rising to the occasion.

  “Hold on, vampire,” Justice said. “Not now, focus. Focus!”

  I reluctantly broke the kiss and focused on Justice. “Angus has testified that they chained you in Peel Castle, and he told the Winter Witch where you were,” the demon lawyer said. “So, we need to summon the witch to testify—no easy task, mind you, hence the special warrant. She fills in the blanks.”

  “The Winter Witch?” I gulped. “Testify? But she cursed me with a talking boil on my ass the last time I saw her!”

  “Exactly,” said Justice. “Now, stay here and don’t move.” He shut the door, and I heard the lock click shut.

  Wisdom and Knowledge shimmied out of their robes, and my eyes fell upon their incredible naked splendor. “You look tense,” said Knowledge. “Or perhaps the word is rigid.”

  “He told you not to move,” Wisdom stated, reaching for my breeches. “But don’t you worry, sweet Sirius Sinister, because we will do all the moving for you.”

  Chapter 15

  By the time Justice returned from his errand, it was nearly the top of the hour, and we were due back in court. As I entered the courtroom this time, I really did feel more relaxed, thanks to the ministering of Knowledge and Wisdom. It was enough to want to make me go to law school. But learning to read was probably a good first step.

  The Head Magistrate took the bench and looked to Justice. “I have no more questions for Mr. Blackheart,” he said. “Thus, I do not wish to recall him to the stand.”

  “Your next witness, Mr. Justice,” the Head Magistrate said, peering down at him.

  The courtroom doors opened and in walked the head deputy carrying a bejeweled scepter. “A special warrant is necessary for our next witness, Your Honor,” Justice said. “She is not going to come willingly.”

  The head deputy tapped the scepter on the floor once, twice, and a third time, causing a beam of bright green light to shoot from the scepter toward the courtroom doors, where it disappeared into their murky ebon darkness. “Call your witness, Mr. Justice,” the Head Magistrate commanded. “The special warrant is hereby served!”