I grabbed a beer from the fridge and sank onto the couch. I flipped onto the sports channel and put on a hockey game. The insanity of what just happened finally hit me as I sat there with the TV on, looking around the living room. What had I done? Did I just act in a fit of emotions or was I finally rational?
The next morning, a peacefulness filled the house as Charlotte made a mess with her breakfast. I sipped my coffee as I watched her play with her Cheerios. She seemed to sense the change in the house and was all smiles. I had been raising this sweet girl by myself, in essence, since I brought her home, but it suddenly hit me that I was truly alone--a single parent.
My mind filled with the awareness and the mental list-making started: household, work, babysitter for Charlotte. I wanted to become more involved at the job site and the flipping of the houses, and this would just be part of the new lifestyle we were going to have. The weight on my shoulders was lifted. I grabbed a pad of paper and started writing out what needed to be sorted. What hours would I work? Who would watch Charlotte while I was working? I needed to keep her schedule fairly similar to make both of our lives easier.
First things first, find a divorce lawyer. This charade of a marriage was over. Packing up Madde’s things the day before had been therapeutic and broken through the innate feeling of obligation. I started fumbling through the yellow pages while Charlotte finished up her breakfast. I inhaled deeply. I never dreamt I would be going through a second divorce. It grated on me that my life had been changed so drastically from what I had pictured when I was younger. Younger and stupid. A naïve boy who thought he could have the world. And yet, here was the feeling of déjà vu hitting me in waves as I looked through a list of divorce lawyers. At least, this time, I wasn’t planning on selling the house.
Charlotte threw her sippy cup at me, bringing me out of my memories. I grinned at her. The little toothless wonder. I scooped her out of her high chair and headed for the bedroom. “What shall we wear today, Princess?”
Dressed and ready to go, I put Charlotte in her pack n’play so I could get myself ready for the day. I had become so in-tuned with listening for her that it was second nature as I shaved and brushed my teeth, listening to her play and babble. I looked at my reflection in the mirror. There were touches of grey through my hair and some fine lines around the eyes, but overall I didn’t look too worse for the wear. If I came through this next divorce unscathed, it would be a miracle. I had no doubt that Madde would not go as quietly as she had last night and I, mentally, geared up for a fight. The one thing I knew she wouldn’t fight for would be Charlotte.
A year. The affair had been going on a year. How was it possible that I didn’t see any signs? Granted the last six months I had been occupied with Charlotte, but before that. She started six months before Charlotte even came into our lives, before she was even born. About the time the results from the fertility testing came back. How did I not see it? I berated myself, but I knew it was common for spouses to miss the signs of an affair. We had hardly been talking as it was before Charlotte came along. Madde had started working long hours and I attributed it to the stress of finding out we couldn’t have kids--correction, that I couldn’t have kids. I grimaced. Feelings of letting Madde down and somehow being responsible for Madde’s infidelity played through my mind. No. I would not go there. This was not my fault. Love should have been able to overcome this. Would Izzy have cared if we couldn’t have kids? I shook my head. Don’t go there, dude. Don’t go down that ‘what if’ road, I berated myself.
I threw myself into the job. The divorce process was started and papers had been sent to Madde. So far, she hadn’t signed anything and I was waiting for the fight to begin.
I had an appointment to meet with Charles in an hour. Longings for quiet times and smooth sailing pulled at me. There would come a time that it would happen, I knew it deep down, but, for now, I wondered when that would be. I stopped by the house to check in with Neil to see the progress he was making on the inside. His contractor was a stickler for details and time constraints. His crew worked feverishly with minimal talking.
“Looks like we may be a little ahead of schedule. Let’s hope it stays that way.” Neil turned towards me when I came up the walkway.
“That’s good.” Neil and I ran through the upcoming things that needed to be done. “Okay, I’m off for an appointment. Let me know if you need anything else this afternoon, otherwise, I’ll be back in the morning.”
I drove through the drive-through at Starbucks to get a coffee. I was a few minutes early and didn’t want to sit too long in the car waiting. My mind was a whirl of thoughts as I entered Charles’ office. Like usual, he didn’t say a word until I settled into a chair.
“Something’s changed.” Charles remarked.
I met his eyes. Did I really look different? “What do you mean?”
He smiled. “You seem more relaxed.”
I nodded. “There have been changes in the past couple of days. A lot of them.”
“Do you want to talk about them?”
I thought for a moment before I answered. “The short version is I saw Madde with another man, went home and packed up her things and put them in the driveway. When she arrived home, she took them and told me it had been a year that she had been having an affair. Obviously, Charlotte was not the issue with our marriage.”
Charles wrote some notes before he looked up at me. “You don’t seem too emotional about it. What are you feeling?”
“At first I was angry when I saw Madde with that guy and it fueled my packing up her stuff. But now, now I just feel relief. I feel like a cycle has been broken.”
“What kind of cycle?”
I closed my eyes for a moment. “A cycle of being stuck in something I didn’t want to be in. I know I felt obligated to Madde, but knowing she went outside of the marriage only a year into it and made me feel like bringing home Charlotte was the heart of the matter for our problems, somehow, it’s a relief. I’m done with feeling sorry for her and for myself, feeling like I’m always to blame.”
Charles sat there silently, waiting for me to continue. I didn’t know what else to say. Standing, I crossed the room and looked at his books in the bookcase, trying to focus on titles. “So, you are no longer feeling guilty for bringing Charlotte home?”
I turned. “I never felt guilty for bringing Charlotte home. I felt guilty because I couldn’t give Madde a child myself.”
Charles nodded. “Ahhh, there it is.”
I watched him as I walked back to the chair and sat down. “There what is?”
“The real issue of your obligation, as far as this marriage is concerned.”
“And what are the issues with my obligation in other aspects of my life?” I asked, smirking.
“You tell me.” Charles countered with a grin.
“So, the reality of it is, my feeling obligated all these years for different things is really my issue. Well, that was easy.”
“That’s not what I said. You said you had no idea why you felt obligated, at least, in this marriage, so now we know. Your feeling guilty for not being able to have children is not an uncommon thing. Any marriage that has one party in that situation, that person is going to feel the brunt of the responsibility, fault, if you will, for it. That’s not a bad thing and yet, it is something you needed to realize in order to move forward.”
“I just don’t understand how she feels no guilt with this. When did it become acceptable to just go outside your marriage vows and be with someone else? If she was that unhappy, just get out. She could have initiated a divorce.” Frustration poured out of me and my heart broke at the thought of the last year being a lie in our marriage, before the issues with Charlotte, before my so-called betrayal to Madde by bringing her home. I was the one who had been betrayed.
“People handle things different ways. I know, there should be a semblance of loyalty when it comes to marriage vows. Unfortunately, in today’s world, marriage vows aren’t taken seriou
sly anymore.”
“It doesn’t make it right.”
Charles shook his head. “No, it doesn’t. But you can’t change what happened. You can only deal with it and move forward.”
“I know. And I’m taking those steps. I’m more involved at work, I started the paperwork for the divorce. I just don’t know what else to do.”
“All you can do is take it one day at a time.” Charles tapped his pen on his notebook. “What seems to be your biggest fear going through this process?”
“Fear?” I sat there thinking. “Other than thinking that Madde is going to do something else that will cause problems, I can’t help but think that I’m still the common thread with all these failed marriages or relationships.”
“Common thread?” Charles asked. “You can’t really say that. Sure, you were the common thread between the two marriages and Isabelle, but there are always outside forces that contribute.”
“Maybe.” I was skeptical and still felt obligated to take the blame for all of it.
“Don’t take this on, Jack. Some things are out of your control and not your fault.” Charles’ words sounded reasonable, but the tiny voice in the back of my head, the negative one, screamed at me that I was to blame for all of it.
Time ticked by as we sat in silence. Charles watching me. I sat there with thoughts rolling around. Madde--why, why did she have to have an affair? Michelle--It was my fault that I married her for the wrong reasons. Izzy--My heart broke repeatedly every time I thought of it. Why did she push me away?
“Jack.” The quiet word broke through my thoughts.
“Yeah?”
“Talk it through. I see the anguish in your face. What are you thinking about right now?”
I shrugged. “I can’t help but wonder how any of this happened. Not just with Madde, but, with Izzy.”
Charles nodded. “Izzy seems to be the heart of your guilt.” It was a statement, simple and straightforward.
“I guess. I’ve never stopped thinking about her, after all these years. She creeps into my thoughts over the littlest things.” My voice trailed off.
“Move forward with the present, but think about Izzy and try to figure out why you are feeling so guilty for the breakup.”
“That’s it…there was no breakup. I walked away and we just never spoke again. We never verbalized a breakup.”
Charles made notes again. “Let’s talk about that next time. Jack, remember this isn’t your fault. Madde made her choice a year ago.”
I nodded and shook his hand. Back in my car, I sat there trying to process the turmoil inside me.
20
Isabelle
The next week flew by and I threw myself into work to get caught up and, I was hoping, a little bit ahead so I could take the weekend, guilt free, from work. My excitement had grown as I researched the sea turtle nesting and hatching process, and the Emerald Isle area. It was a beautiful spot on the ocean, but October would be offseason so it shouldn’t be too crowded. Nick had booked us at a bed and breakfast on the ocean. The anticipation of the upcoming weekend made the last week before the trip seem to drag.
It seemed, if anything could go wrong, it did this week. I had demanded another meeting with graphic designs regarding the book cover for my February release. The first attempt had been awful and I felt like a shrew demanding it be redone, but Gayle was in agreement with me, although she didn’t tell me that until we were back in the privacy of her office. She didn’t want the cover team to think she was making the decisions, but she had been prepared to demand it be redone if I didn’t.
It was Friday afternoon and I was more than ready for these next two hours to go by so I could leave for my mini-vacation with Nick. I walked into the meeting to see three mock ups on easels at the end of the conference room. Gayle had arrived just before and was looking at them. I walked over and studied each one. They were definitely better, but something was still off about them. The colors weren’t right. This was a thriller and the colors seemed to cheery. I was expecting darker and more ominous. I glanced at Gayle who was watching my reaction to each one.
“What do you think?” Gayle asked me in a hushed voice so the others couldn’t hear. The design team was sitting at the other end of the table waiting for us to turn and address them.
“It’s not right. It’s too bright and cheery.” I sighed.
“You’re right. They still have it wrong. Time’s getting short though. What are you going to do?”
“I can’t put the book out with this. It won’t sell properly without the right cover.” Frustration coursed through me. “Do we have time to get another round of mock ups?”
Gayle pursed her lips. “They would have to be done on an emergency basis, which means the team needs to be working over the weekend. You need a final answer by mid-week to get it to marketing.”
I sighed. I couldn’t demand the team work over the weekend if I wasn’t going to. Gayle must have read my thoughts.
“You don’t have to be here for them to do their job. Insist on having another set by Monday. There is nothing you can do over the weekend until they do their job. I know you have plans.”
I glanced at her. “I can change them if I have to.”
“And I know you would, but it’s really unnecessary.”
I nodded and turned towards the team. “This isn’t acceptable. The colors are too bright and cheery. You’ve all received the synopsis of the book and been given the specs of what I was looking for. Dark and ominous.” I gestured behind me. “This isn’t it. I need three new designs available Monday morning to look at.”
I heard the groans and looks of disgust, but no one complained. I knew they would do their job and I would reward them for it. “Monday morning, eight a.m. back here. I’m counting on it being right this time.” I had become Gayle and dismissed them without saying a word. It was uncanny how my work mannerisms mirrored hers.
“Nice job, Isabelle.” Gayle spoke behind me.
“Why do I feel like I’m being too hard on them?” I sank into a chair.
Gayle laughed. “Do you think I have never had those thoughts, especially when I was at the beginning of my career?”
“Really? You thought you were too hard?” I didn’t believe it for a second.
“Of course, I did. But I also knew that I had to set the tone if I was to be respected as I climbed the ladder. You command respect, just like I did, and, although they are irritated at having to work the weekend, they also know they didn’t do their job. They respect you for making them get it right.”
I nodded. “I suppose so.”
“I know you. You are feeling a bit guilty at going off for the weekend and having them work, right?”
“Yeah.”
“So you want to show your appreciation to them?”
“Of course. Is that wrong?”
Gayle shook her head. “Use the business credit card and bring them breakfast. I used to do that all the time when I made them work weekends. They respect the demand for perfect work, but they appreciate you even more for rewarding them for their extra time. It is what makes you a good leader, to want to show your appreciation to them. Some bosses would demand the work and never tell them they are appreciated. It separates the tyrants from the leaders.”
“Thank you, Gayle.”
“Isabelle, you must know and, I probably don’t tell you enough, you have incredible talent and have proved your worth in this company. I’m very appreciative to have you by my side, and I can trust you to make the same type of decisions I would.”
I glanced at my watch. I had forty-five minutes to wrap things up before leaving. I had arranged to leave by 4:30 so we could, hopefully, arrive at Emerald Isle by eight and get a late dinner there.
“Just get out of here. There isn’t anything pressing now that can’t wait till Monday. And don’t take your laptop with you. Unplug for the weekend.” Gayle shooed me towards the door.
“You sure?”
“Absolu
tely. You have worked hard these past few weeks getting this release together and keeping it on schedule. Go.”
“Thanks, Gayle.” I scurried back to the office to pick up my things and power down my computer. Heading to the car, I sent Nick a text, Out early. Headed home now to grab my bags. We can leave early if you’re ready.
I hadn’t even turned on the car yet when my phone beeped. I’ll meet you at your place in 10 mins.
We would be on the road a good half hour earlier than planned. It was going to be a good weekend. I could feel it in my bones.
It didn’t take us long to load up Nick’s car with our weekend bags and start off. “You’re in charge of tunes.” Nick immediately said as he turned onto the main road.
“Oh, good.” I rubbed my hands together.
“Don’t make me regret that.”
“Mwaaahaha.” I grinned at him. “Be prepared to rock this car for the next few hours.”
Nick laughed and started drumming his fingers on the steering wheel when I turned to the classic rock station. We rode, pretty much, in silence, unless we both were singing poorly with the radio. Laughter would follow the off tune or wrong lyrics and before we knew it, we were turning onto the main road for Emerald Isle.
I was awestruck as we drove into town. The sun was just starting to set and the orange hues glanced off the ocean. I took out my phone, and rolled down the window so I could take pictures. “This is amazing.” I turned to Nick. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For this weekend. This is beautiful.”
“Babe, stick with me. This weekend is just beginning.” I laughed at his terrible attempt at Bogart.
We found the bed and breakfast and, as Nick went to check us in, I stood on the patio looking out at the ocean. Wow was the only thing I could come up with. It was like I was looking at a different ocean than the one outside my apartment. The colors, the peacefulness…it was just different. I was in love. If I ever moved, it would be to right here.
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