Irrelevant Jack

by Prax Venter

  “You’re amazing,” he said. “How many times can you heal us? Also, I still have no idea what your abilities as a Bastion are. How are you not taking any damage from blocking?”

  “Slow down, Jack. I have two Paths, remember? My first Path is fairly unique, and it’s called Aether Siren. With a skill called Mending Melody, I can heal 5% of your Max HP, for 2MP/per second, while singing. My second path is a common one called Defender, and it gives me basic defensive role abilities. The first is a passive skill I have unlocked is called Shield Master. It negates all damage from a successfully blocked attack. The second one, when I unlock it at 25, is a shout that forces most enemies in the area to prefer me as a target. Myself, Kron, and my father all have this Path.”

  “Ah, that explains a lot,” Jack said. “I was wondering why I keep taking damage from blocking.”

  “Yes. At some point, you might want to switch to dual-wielding weapons. But not for a while. For now, mitigating most of the damage is preferable.”

  Jack blinked. “Huh, maybe I should. I hate taking damage though my shield.”

  “Actually,” Lex said looking him up and down, “I have no idea if your class can dual wield, but I do know that you aren’t really built to take full advantage of shields.”

  Alt whispered in his mind. “She’s right, Jack. You’ll need to fine-tune your role in the party.”

  “Not much to be done about it now,” he said to both of them. “If I find something better than this shield- maybe we try experimenting. For now, let’s roast these creepy chefs.”

  Jack looked around the kitchen and saw another door leading to an unexplored area of this medieval kitchen Floor. They peeked into the next room and saw a room full of dirty dishes. Two more of the chef monsters were working inside and there wasn’t much they could do but move forward.

  Lex kicked open the door again and let out a deep guttural shout right away, and Jack couldn’t help but think how cute she sounded, grunting to get their attention.

  Both monsters pulled knives from the piles of food-stained porcelain and utensils around them and began stalking toward the Bastion. As Lex used her shield and her sword to parry attacks, Jack dashed up to the closest distracted creature and activated Double Strike.

  His blade became a blur as he sliced into the disgusting creature twice in rapid succession.

  Gluttonous Chef -26 | Defeated

  The other monster turned his gooey white eyes on Jack as he lifted his extremely sharp knife to stab the new threat. His red torn lips stretched against the black twine as the thing tried to roar with rage, but before he could land the attack, Lex jabbed him in the side.

  Gluttonous Chef -45 | Defeated

  “Man, these things are disgusting,” Jack said as he picked up the items both creatures dropped. He found two sets of heavy iron boots he couldn’t equip, but were worth 23 Value each. He shoved them into his inventory and they moved on.

  A quick peek showed them that the next room in the continuing kitchen contained dozens of hanging animal carcasses, making it hard to see everything clearly. There were at least three chefs butchering huge slabs of meat in here, and Jack wondered if Lex could take on all of them without getting sliced open. Sizable groups of wandering monsters were probably the reason she always left at this Floor, even if she was geared for more powerful foes.

  Jack tapped Lex’s shoulder and pulled back to discuss how they were going to proceed.

  “This time,” he began, “I think I should blast one with my death ray. I can spend a net of 3 MP to kill one in two seconds. That way you aren’t surrounded.”

  Lex nodded. “Okay. Just remember to save some Mana for the Boss.”

  “Got it,” he said and then it was his turn to kick open the door. The three butchers all turned their runny eyes to see what the disturbance was as Jack took aim through a pair of hanging rabbit carcasses.

  The red beam lit up the room and one of the monstrous chefs became a living torch.

  Gluttonous Chef -13 | 12/25

  Gluttonous Chef -13 | Defeated

  The other two creatures shuffled their feet toward Jack, their bloody cleavers held high. That was when the short Bastion pushed past him and held up her shield. The creatures wanted to kill Jack, but the space in this room was limited by the hanging meat set up to dry.

  She went on the offensive this time and swung low, trying to catch one in the knees before it realized what was happening, but the creature danced backward as his butcher’s blade flashed downward.

  Lex barely caught the cleaver on her shield, and she was forced to take a more defensive position.

  The other chef, however, circled around and pushed aside some of the hanging animals as the determined monster tried to get at Jack. Feeling good about having a badass healer on his team, Jack rushed to meet the second attacker head on. He needed to practice his swordplay, and this seemed like a good opportunity.

  The muscular chef swung his knife at Jack’s head, and he brought up his own blade to parry. Sparks flew when the sharpened metal met sharpened metal. He was able to deflect the blow, but it was close. He realized he needed to put more force into his deflection strikes.

  The disgusting creature swiped at Jack, aiming to slit his throat, but he was able to duck under the whistling blade. Jack used the opening in his opponent’s defenses to counter-attack low and felt his sword slice across the solid bones of the creature’s shins.

  Gluttonous Chef -13 | 12/25

  The thing let out a muffled moan as he tried to wail in pain, but the stitching in his mouth pulled tight and prevented any real sound from coming out. The chef reared up and brought his weapon down with an overhead chop, and Jack’s sword was knocked downward by the brutal force of the blow.

  He felt the cleaver bite into his shoulder, and terrible pain spread through his body from the point of contact.

  Jack -12 | HP 35/47

  He was about to unleash an unfettered onslaught in retaliation, but the leaky-eyed chef vanished before his eyes as Lex finished him off from behind.

  Gluttonous Chef -45 | Defeated

  Jack +1 | HP 36/47

  He scanned the room, trying to see any other threats among the now-swinging slabs of meat, but everything looked clear.

  “Need to work on my parrying skill, next,” he said. “Don’t seem to take damage if I block with my weapon.”

  Lex gave him a half smile. “It’s much harder to block without a shield, especially some of the higher-Floor monsters and Bosses. They hit hard.”

  “I see that.”

  She healed him again, and Jack inspected her as she did.

  Lex - Hero Class: Bastion | Level 24

  [Health: 270/270 | Mana: 185/300]

  [Disposition: Admired]

  She still had full health and tons of mana left. Was Floor 6 that hard to solo or was she being extra cautious?

  When her beautiful song ended, and Jack was left fully healed, Lex pointed to the stone floor behind her.

  “Looks like this one dropped some leather gloves,” she said.

  Jack moved to inspect them. “Ooh- for me?”

  Work Gloves - [Hands | Value: 24]

  | Def: 9 |

  | Max HP + 11 |

  These had a much higher defense, and the HP bonus was nice, but he lost 2 Max Mana. The tradeoff was obviously worth it, and Jack moved the gloves into his Hands Item slot.

  As he was squatting down near the blood-stained floor, his vision was not obstructed by the hanging slabs of meat, and Jack saw a wooden chest hidden in a dark corner of the room.

  “Look over there,” he said, pointing it out to Lex. He looked up into her golden eyes and added, “More loot.”

  “Get looting, then,” she said, crossing her arms.

  Jack moved over to the container, but before he reached the chest, his boot pressed down on a raised section of stone, and intense pain radiated from his foot.

  Jack -25 | HP 33/58

  His eyes shot down to see a rusty
metal spike piercing all the way through his boot.

  “Damn it!” he got out before the pain receded and the spike faded from existence, leaving only confusion and anger in his mind.

  “Oh, Jack,” Lex said from behind him. “That was my fault, I’m so sorry.”

  He spun to face her. “How was this your fault?”

  “Traps don’t normally start appearing until Floor 10, but I should have warned you.”

  He shook his head. “No, Lex. This isn’t your fault. It does open my eyes a little, though. If you had let me come with you that first day, and we didn’t find a lot of Max HP gear, this one trap could have ended my stay in your world very quickly.”

  Lex nodded. “The Tower is treacherous and unpredictable. Hold still while I bring you to full again.”

  Jack closed his eyes and listened to her sing. He noticed a slightly pleasant tingling when she healed him, and the more damage she healed, the better it felt.

  “Mmm, I need to step on more rusty spikes. I could get used to your voice, Lex. It’s absolutely stunning.”

  He saw another blush creep into her cheeks.

  “The trap has been sprung,” the pointed-eared Bastion said. “You can safely retrieve the items now.”

  He nodded and held his hand out to the previously trapped chest. After a quick glance, he noticed two items he couldn’t use and a blade for Alt.

  Brutal Cleaver - [Dagger | Value: 22]

  | Dmg: 10 |

  | Crit Chance + 0.05 |

  “Here you go, buddy,” Jack said as he moved the item over to merge with his Main Hand slot.

  “Another increase to damage,” Alt’s electronic voice echoed in his mind. “Main hand damage is now 14, and my damage is 7. Also, I don’t believe I will gain any more stats from items found on Floor 5 or below.”

  Jack thought the concept of understanding to his imaginary friend and inspected his own Character panel.

  Jack - Hero Class: Irrelevant | Level 5

  [Health: 58/58 | Mana: 25/35]

  [Defense: 28 | Dodge: 11]

  [Main Hand Damage: 14 | Off-Hand Damage: 0]

  [Hit Chance: 0.90] [Critical Chance: 0.10]

  [Magic Power: 0] [Sneak: 1]

  He closed his information panel and turned to Lex. “Let’s keep moving, shall we?”

  The other Hero agreed, and they moved to the next door. If things were going to continue the way they had, Jack expected to see four chef monsters in this room, but he was pleasantly surprised to see only one. His runny egg eyes were focused on garnishing a plate piled high with sliced meat, dripping his oozing pus over the meal as he did. It was almost comical how intent the monstrous chef was on his work. This Floor was certainly more decorated and fleshed-out than most of the other Floors he had seen.

  Lex and Jack easily dispatched the creature with no troubles, and he dropped another pair of leather pants. He inspected them, but they were slightly lower value and only gave +10 Max HP instead of the +11 from the pair they found earlier. He popped them into his inventory for the Town.

  He turned around and found Lex staring at him.

  “You told me you could pick up everything, but it doesn’t lessen the astonishment I feel when I see you do it. How much Value resides in your Inventory?”

  Jack checked his heads-up display.

  JACK HP 58/58 MP 25/35

  LEX HP 270/270

  ALT Defeated

  Coins: 72

  Inventory Value: 397

  Alt Value: 94/350

  “Three-hundred and ninety-seven,” he said slowly through an overly smug smile.

  Unexpectedly, Lex rushed forward and wrapped her arms around him, resting her head on his chest. He froze solid for a moment, not sure how to react, but it was easy to wrap his arms around her and hold her small frame against his. He looked down and saw a pointed ear poking out from her golden blonde hair.

  The hug was short, and the Bastion pulled away.

  “Thank you,” she said breathlessly, and then turned her eyes up into the dark rafters above. “And thank you, Alternis, for bringing this gift to our Town. It’s been so long, but you are a bright light in the long darkness, Jack.”

  He didn’t know what to say, but Alt did.

  “Tell her that we will not let her down,” he advised.

  “Alt wants you to know that we won’t let you down,” Jack said and then stepped up close to Lex and looked deep in her golden eyes. “But I want to thank you. I can be rough to deal with, but without help from you and from the other Townsfolk, I would have lost my mind- or my life.”

  They shared a long moment of comfortable silence, both writing a new future in their minds that neither had expected to happen before this day.

  Jack spoke first and broke the spell. “Let’s finish this floor and get back to Town. Can’t wait to see what Demi does with the new crab for dinner.”

  It was the last thing Jack said before they peeked behind the next door and found a massively bloated giant shoveling food into his face.

  Even sitting down, the Floor Boss was easily ten feet tall, but he was so packed with fat that he was almost equally as wide around. He must’ve been a king because he wore a lopsided crown on top of his stringy mop of hair, and Jack was surprised that it didn’t fall off as he stuffed gobs of food into his mouth with his fat sausage fingers.

  But it was the smell that hit Jack the hardest. All thoughts of a seafood dinner left quickly by the back door. Then he noticed the negative status effect icon on the corner of his vision.

  Bile King’s Breath - [Lose 4 HP / 10 Seconds | 00:00:59]

  ~ His foul stench precedes his foul presence.

  The countdown seemed frozen at one minute, and Jack knew they needed to end this fight quickly. He turned to Lex and laid out his strategy.

  “Tell me if you have a better idea, but we need to burn this guy down fast. I’m going to hit the Boss with my Mining Laser and keep it on as long as possible. You run in and try and hold his attention.”

  Lex thought for a brief moment and then nodded. “Agreed.”

  “Here we go,” Jack said, kicking open the door.

  “Ah bring the pie-” was all the Bile King was able to say before his fat form was engulfed in fire.

  Floor 5 Boss -14 | HP 123/137

  “Who dares!” the massive creature yelled over the flames licking under the fleshy rolls of skin hanging down from his chin.

  Floor 5 Boss -14 | HP 109/137

  Then the stench cloud’s effect hit both Heroes.

  Jack -4 | HP 54/58

  Lex -4 | HP 266/270

  This was also when the massive king stood from his chair and picked up a serving platter cover to use as a shield. The Floor 5 Boss turned the curved silver surface into Jack’s beam, completely blocking all damage. Nothing had been able to resist his Mining Laser before, and Jack filed that unfortunate bit of information away for safekeeping.

  With his other fat hand, the Bile King snatched up a king-sized fork and moved around the table much faster than Jack would have thought possible.

  Canceling his laser to conserve his Mana, Jack desperately looked around the room for his next move. Running around the table was really the only option.

  Lex had made it past Jack by this point and stood halfway to the monster who tried to knock her to the side with his shield as he passed the Bastion.

  The experienced Hero was ready for such a charge, however, and dove into a roll against the wall and barely made it around the rotund royalty. The Bile King was solely focused on murdering Jack though, and he squinted his red-rimmed, bloodshot orbs as he barreled forward.

  Jack was sure he was about to get flattened when he heard Lex let out a quick shout and slice her blade into the king’s thick leg.

  Floor 5 Boss -22 | HP 87/137

  The Bile King’s eyes went wide, and he slid to a halt a few feet in front of Jack, his sagging load of flesh fighting the momentum change and jigging to a stop.

  He turned to make
a stab at Lex with his huge fork, and Jack turned on the death laser again, now that the creature’s serving platter lid was no longer in the way.

  Floor 5 Boss -14 | HP 73/137

  Jack watched with hatred building up in him as Lex took a beating. Most of the devastating strikes hit her shield, but a few got through.

  Lex -25 | HP 241/270

  Floor 5 Boss -14 | HP 59/137, HP 45/137, HP 31/137

  Lex -25 | HP 216/270

  Lex was getting hammered, and Jack knew he’d have just enough Mana to keep the beam burning on the Bile King until he was cooked. Then the monster turned his horribly bloated face toward him again. Jack had done too much damage apparently, and the Floor 5 Boss pulled up his makeshift shield again, cutting off his Mining Laser. Lex quickly hacked him in the back, causing the obese monster to explode in a shower of glimmering sparks.

  Critical! Floor 5 Boss -35 | Defeated

  A satisfying tingle washed over Jack’s body from head to toe as he advanced to Hero Level 6.

  Jack -4 | HP 50/58

  Lex -4 | HP 212/270

  His eyes moved up to the corner of his vision and saw that the negative status effect was finally counting down. It was a good thing they both weren’t near death, or they’d have to loot and run- or worse.

  “That was a tough one,” Jack said, trying not to breathe through his nose.

  “They only get tougher,” Lex responded as she sheathed her blade behind her back.

  They waited for the negative status to expire and then Lex healed them both to full HP again. His eyes were pulled over to the iron-bound wooden door that appeared when the Boss on the Floor was defeated. They probably could push on to Floor 6, but he would be fine if they left now. Jack had gained two new Hero Levels and found some better gear. His thoughts of gear pushed him over to the golden Boss Chest.

  Floor 5 Rewards - Boss Chest

  Silk Slippers - [Feet | Value: 22]

  | Def: 1 |

  | Magic Power +9 |

  | Max MP + 15 |

  Steel Leg Armor – [Legs | Value: 24]

  | Def: 10 |

  | Max HP + 22 |

  King’s Fork – [Off-Hand | Value: 25]

  | Max MP + 15 |

  | Max HP + 5 |

  ~ Used to attack a hearty meal

  Coins: 68