Irrelevant Jack

by Prax Venter

  “Let’s see what this thing can do. Sic ‘em, Alt!”

  They cleared the first Floor quickly and then tried out the Bile King on Floor 2. Lex and Jack immediately regretted it. The disgusting monster had a passive stink cloud that did considerable damage over time to any foes close by, but even though Jack and Lex’s Hit Points were not affected, their noses were. They sent Alt far ahead to clear the floor on his own, and vowed to never use the form again unless they had a dire need.

  It was Lex’s choice for Floor 3, and as soon as they appeared in the volcanic-themed area, Jack transformed the Bile King into the Angry Sun.

  “Excellent.” Alt said, his electronic voice emitting from the mouthless ball of fire. “This form does two times your main hand damage once every 5 seconds. Also, it’s 100% Divine damage so we should take advantage of that on Elemental-Arcane Floors, like this decidedly fire-affiliated environment. However, it’d be useless against Nature-Death Floors.”

  Jack shook his head. “I’m going to need to draw a chart on my hand. There is so much to remember.”

  Lex put a gloved hand on his shoulder, and he turned to look into her golden eyes.

  “Don’t worry. You’ll get it eventually. Day after day, Floor after Floor… the rules of the Tower will become second nature to you.”

  He gave her a smile and said, “I’m sure you’re right,” then turned on Alt and pointed across the bubbling lava at a flickering flame creature. “Blow ‘em to bits, if you’d be so kind.”

  With Alt doing 50 damage per hit to the elemental creatures, he was a killing machine, and they finished Floor 9 that day with ease.

  The next few days went by quickly as Jack, Alt, and Lex continued to work together and push higher one Floor at a time.

  They had ended the Floor 12 Boss yesterday- a giant Moth saturated with paralyzing dust that locked Alt up for most of the fight, and Jack was disappointed they hadn’t found any Artifacts yet. His weapon’s growth slowed as well. Alt told him it was because he needed to merge with blades from increasingly higher levels to have any direct effect on the weapon’s stats, although Alt’s personal value did steadily advance with every sharp weapon he fed the entity of pure energy living in his mind.

  Jack had to admit that Lex’s plan of upping their climb by only one Floor a day was a good move. It gave him plenty of chances to find better gear before getting in over his head. If he would have continued to go alone, there was no doubt in his mind that he would have been impatient and taken more dangerous risks. Today they intended to defeat the Floor 13 Boss, and Jack was hoping a nice new shield would drop. He pulled up his Character panel as he strode up the dirt path back from his morning’s training with Lex’s father.

  Jack - Hero Class: Irrelevant | Level 13

  [Health: 113/113 | Mana: 68/68]

  [Defense: 92 | Dodge: 44]

  [Main Hand Damage: 25 | Off-Hand Damage: 0]

  [Hit Chance: 0.93] [Critical Chance: 0.11]

  [Magic Power: 0] [Sneak: 1]

  Next, he pulled up his character window to obsess over his equipped items.

  Main Hand: ARV Alternis - [Sword | Value: 1178/15,000]

  | Dmg: 25 |

  | Hit Chance +0.08 |

  | Crit Chance +0.10 |

  | HP +8 |

  | MP + 12 |

  | 15% chance to heal 1 HP on kill |

  | +1 Sneak |

  Off-Hand: Kite Shield - [Shield | Value: 33]

  | Def: 14 |

  | Max HP + 20 |

  Chest: Thick Hide Vest - [Chest | Value: 48]

  | Def: 21 |

  | Max HP + 15 |

  Legs: Primal Trousers - [Legs | Value: 60]

  | Def: 22 |

  | Max HP + 25 |

  | Max MP + 18 |

  | Dodge + 5 |

  Feet: Fine Sturdy Boots - [Feet | Value: 43]

  | Def: 18 |

  | Dodge + 9 |

  | Max HP + 15 |

  Hands: Night Fist - [Hands | Value: 55]

  | Def: 15 |

  | Max HP + 20 |

  | Max MP + 20 |

  | Dodge + 20 |

  He was quite happy with what he saw there. The shiny black leather gloves were his newest upgrade, and he was starting to feel the need to focus on dodge.

  When Jack made it back to the inn for breakfast and pushed open the door, he saw Ryea standing at the bar next to Lex and talking to the innkeeper. They all turned to see who had entered.

  “Ah! G’morn, Jack. Do you know what today is?” the farmer practically yelled her question.

  “Harvest day?” he guessed as he crossed the common room and sat in his usual place next to Lex.

  Demi nodded, a wide smile on her normally composed face.

  “She brought me potatoes, beans, leeks, and a whole manner of herbs I can make into spices. You Climbers are in for a treat today!”

  With that, she whisked herself behind the blue, white-eyed curtain and began preparing their new and improved breakfast.

  “I’m off,” Ryea said, slapping her meaty hands on both Heroes’ backs. “Lots of work to do on the farm, and I should see some periwinkle eggs today. What an exciting time to be alive.”

  Jack and Lex bid her farewell, and the freckled-faced farmer clomped out the door.

  “What do you think breakfast’ll be?” Jack asked.

  Normally, it would take at least a few months before newly planted crops matured enough to harvest, but normal was nowhere to be found in Subroutine Sana. Still, waiting the few days they did to finally eat something that wasn’t from the sea was maddening. He couldn’t imagine what it must be like for everyone else in the Town.

  “I haven’t a clue,” Lex answered. “But our culinary artist has just been given a pile of new ingredients. I’m sure it will be delicious.”

  Jack waggled his eyebrows at the Bastion sitting next to him. “And I bet the Rest Bonus will be equally as delicious.”

  Lex giggled as Demi came back from behind the curtain with a plate in each hand.

  “Now, this would normally cost you more than you paid in advance, but since you’ve donated substantially more coin than necessary recently, I’ll waive the additional fee.”

  Jack’s full attention was focused on the heaps of food piled on the plate set before him. Demi continued while he let the steaming aroma fill his nose. “It’s also more food than a typical breakfast, but since it’s a special occasion…”

  “What am I looking at?” Jack said, drool beginning to form in the corner of his mouth.

  “Grilled zucchini and tomatoes with garlic, potato pancakes with chives, and spinach baked crab. I figured you might be sick of seafood, but I wanted to give you a meat option.”

  “This is beyond my wildest expectations,” Lex said, leaning her face over the artfully arranged pile of food before her.

  “Well, stop staring at it,” Demi said, putting her hand on her aproned hip.

  The Heroes didn’t need to be told twice, and they both attacked the diverse meal like it was a Floor Boss.

  The flame-seared vegetables exploded in Jack’s mouth with a rich garlic aftertaste, and the hearty potato pancake was crispy on the outside and soft on the inside. Even though he was sick of seafood, and spinach wasn’t his favorite, when Jack shoveled the combination into his mouth, he completely re-evaluated his preferences.

  The innkeeper let them get deep into their meal before she spoke again.

  “Now that I have more ingredients, you both can finally order individual meals for breakfast again. I’ll try and get a menu together over the next few days.”

  Jack looked up from his feast as his mind worked out what that meant for the two Heroes.

  “We can each have different Rest Bonuses?”

  “Yes,” Lex said as she swallowed a forkful of roasted vegetables. “Start thinking about what stats you want to focus on and Demi can make a meal to suit your class.”

  Jack contemplated the ramifications of this information and his mind whirled
with possibilities as he ate. Eventually, he scraped the last bit of crispy potato pancake into his mouth.

  “I’m speechless,” he said, placing his fork across the empty plate. “And full!”

  Then the familiar white eye on a blue square icon flashed in his peripheral vision. He focused on it to see the new Rest Bonus.

  Rest Bonus - [+40 Health | +30 Mana | +10 Def | Gain 30 Mana on Floor transition | Duration: Exit]

  ~ Variety is the spice of life, and mana, and defense…

  “Now that’s a rest bonus,” Jack said with a serious tone.

  “Let’s go put it to good use,” Lex said, finishing her last bite. Jack looked over and saw that she ate about half of everything and wondered if she got the same rest bonus if she didn’t clean her plate.

  He checked his HUD and focused on her HPs.

  LEX HP 290/290

  Yup. Good to know if he didn’t feel like stuffing himself to bursting, he would still get the full Rest Bonus. He pushed away from the bar.

  “Amazing as always, Demi.”

  “Thanks, Jack. See you both at Exit.” The innkeeper took the plates and disappeared into the kitchen while Lex and Jack made their way to the Tower.

  With Alt’s shape-shifting and their substantial rest bonus, Floors 1 through 12 went quickly. The Bastion gripped the iron ring on the door labeled “13”, and they were engulfed in white brightness.

  When Jack could see again, he found himself standing in an arcade.

  “No way,” he said spinning around. There were mostly pinball machines in the hall they started in, but Jack could see a claw machine or two up ahead as well.

  Lex put her hand on her hip and looked over at him. “Every now and then I see these nonsense Floors with strange contraptions.”

  “These are arcade games, Lex.” And they were, but everything was made of wood and metal as if they were built in the 1900’s.

  Alt was currently in the shape of the Angry Sun, and his burning ball of fire cast some more light on the otherwise dimly lit interior. The ground was a brown-red carpet, and above was the familiar white, drop-ceiling paneling he had seen everywhere in his old life.

  The rush of nostalgia hit Jack like a freight train.

  “You know what all of this is?” Lex asked.

  “It’s from his old universe,” Alt answered for Jack. “I’m a bit surprised to see a layout like this myself.”

  “What are these for?” The petite blonde in the leather armor stepped up to one of the nearest pinball machines. “Is it a magic device?”

  Jack stepped up behind her. The backboard was painted to show a detailed stereotypical magician with a long mustache holding out a black top hat. A white rabbit with blood-red eyes stood inside his hat, and under it all was the title.

  “My world didn’t have magic. It’s a simple game, Lex,” Jack murmured. Then something occurred to him. He pointed at the letters painted with a flourish and said, “Hey, can you read what that says?”

  “Black Magic… Bumpers?” She looked back at him. “Didn’t you just say that your world didn’t have magic?”

  “No… we have pretend magic. Sleight of hand and parlor tricks.”

  “He’s telling the truth,” Alt said, hovering behind them and then continuing to speak inside Jack’s head, privately. “Apparently, the systems in charge of randomly generating Floors are pulling from a much wider table of data than I had anticipated.”

  Jack looked down at Lex and watched golden eyes bounce around the convoluted layout of the pinball table. There were bumpers and wooden flaps with painted points on them, ramps and holes and all manner of colorful details to the game. He looked down by the spring-loaded plunger that allowed the player to send the pinball into the game and saw a coin slot below it.

  On a whim, Jack opened his Inventory interface and tried to move a coin over to the receptacle. To his astonishment, he heard the customary metal clink of a coin dropping into an empty box within the machine, and it made a series of initializing mechanical thunks.

  A bell rang twice, the blank score display in the backboard flipped to a series of zeros, and a silver ball rolled into position against the plunger.

  “What’s happening to it?” Lex said, backing away. She bumped right into Jack standing behind her, and he quickly took hold of her elbows.

  “Relax,” he said quietly by her pointed ear. “It’s a game, and I’m going to show you how to play.”

  The blonde Bastion lingered a moment, her backside pressed against him, and then stepped forward toward the machine. Jack slid his hands down her arms to her leather-gloved hands and placed them onto the buttons to either side.

  “Press your fingers on that protrusion,” he said.

  She did, and the right flipper sprang upward. Lex flinched at the sudden movement.

  “I don’t understand what any of this madness is…” she said, but he could tell she was intrigued.

  Jack practically whispered in her ear from his position close behind.

  “This is called a Pinball Table. Those numbers at the back are your score. When you pull back on that knob there, the ball will launch into that madness you mentioned. Each target the ball hits will increase your points. The flippers at the bottom are controlled with the buttons you pressed, and you can press them as much as you want. If the ball rolls down past your flippers, it’s done. Usually, you get three balls total before it’s game over and you have a final score.”

  She pressed the buttons a few times, causing the flippers to alternate with mechanical thunking.

  “Probably easier if you just played. It’s an intuitive game,” Jack said, resting his hand on her hip and looking over her shoulder. “Pull back that knob, and when you are ready, let it go.”

  Lex reached her hand down and pulled on the plunger a tiny bit and quickly let it go. It struck the silver ball, but it didn’t make it halfway up the table before it bounced back against the plunger.

  Jack smiled. “You’ll have to pull it back a little farther. Really give that ball a whack.”

  The short Hero gave it another try and pulled all the way back this time. The rubber end of the plunger smacked into the ball and sent it whizzing up into the table.

  Jack had played his fair share of pinball when he worked for a bowling alley. It was his first job, and he was tasked with emptying ashtrays and collecting empty beer glasses during league nights. Those tables had been electronic and constantly made enticing noises if they were idle, not to mention the cacophony of insanity they assaulted his ears with when playing.

  This one was different- much older. As if it were made by a mad Amish genius.

  The silver ball bounced around the table, hitting a few of the bumpers and racking up some points.

  “Man the flippers!” Jack yelled when he noticed her hand was still on the plunger. “Don’t let the ball get past. Rack up as many points as you can!”

  With a tiny yelp, Lex moved her gloved hand back over the buttons and pressed them both, causing the flippers to activate and hold their upward position. Just as the ball came down, she had the presence of mind to let them go and press again at the last minute, sending the ball back up into the table. It hit a ramp at full speed and struck a spinning flap, netting a load of points.

  Bells rung as the score accumulated, but eventually, her luck went sour, and the ball slid through one of the side alleys that led right to the bottom, ending the round.

  “That wasn’t fair,” she said, looking at him over her shoulder. “There was nothing I could do to stop it.”

  He nodded. “That’s life. Sometimes the ball is out of our control- but, look.” He pointed to the silver ball waiting by the plunger. “You have another ball, and another chance to collect more points!”

  With little hesitation, the Bastion reached for the knob and pulled back hard. She widened her stance as she let go, sending the ball speeding to its fate, and he could tell Lex was determined to score big.

  Jack looked back to see Al
t in his blazing sun form scanning the hallway ahead, silently making sure nothing came to disturb them, and he sent his friend mental appreciation.

  The floating ball of fire turned to face him, and its slanted, angry black eyes dipped once before it went back to keeping watch.

  They played pinball for a while, taking turns on Black Magic Bumpers, then they played one called “The Desert Queen” with a scantily-clad half-cat woman painted on the backboard. Jack consistently beat Lex’s score at first, but after he showed her how to stall the ball on the flipper and aim for a specific target, Lex was able to beat him once or twice. They had a lot of fun, but they both agreed it was time to move on.

  “Before we sweep the floor,” Jack began, “we have to play the claw machine. It’s a much simpler game and much shorter, but I think you’ll like it.”

  “I never imagined the Tower held Floors like this, Jack,” Lex said, her golden eyes locked on his. “Please, show me your clawing game.”

  They walked down the row of pinball tables, each with its unique theme. When they came to the 4-way intersection, the glass case of colorful stuffed animals drew the Bastion in like a magnet.

  “What manner of…” Lex trailed off as her eyes took in the pile of claw machine prizes.

  Jack took her hand and placed it on the control stick. He risked leaving it there as he stood pressed close behind her, his hand enveloping hers around the metal shaft. She didn’t protest, so he proceeded to explain the game.

  “When I put the coin in, you will have a limited amount of time to maneuver the claw in the ceiling there over the prize you want. When you think you have it in a good position, press the button on top of this stick, and the claw will drop down. If you’re lucky, it will grab a prize and drop it in that chute where you can retrieve it.”

  Reluctantly, he let go of her hand to give her some room and said, “Ready?”

  She nodded, her eyes focused on the pile of stuffed toys. Jack deposited a coin, and the machine began to play music. It sounded to Jack as if there were a music box buried somewhere inside.

  Lex froze, her head tilted to the side slightly. “That music…”

  “Hurry, Lex! You only have a few seconds.”

  She jerked the shaft sharply and sent the metal claw swinging on its wire. Completely frazzled, Lex pressed the button, and the claw dropped as it hit an apex of its gyrations, causing the metal pincers to land on its side. The claw clamped shut on thin air and reeled back up to the top before depositing nothing into the prize chute. The internal music stopped as soon as the claw returned to its starting position.