Irrelevant Jack

by Prax Venter

  “Want me to help guide you?” Jack whispered near her pointed ear.

  The shorter blonde woman nodded slowly, and he reached his hand back over around hers, stepping in close again. He couldn’t help but smell her hair, and he almost forgot his name as his senses were filled with everything “Lex”. It had been a while since he was with a woman last, and she was already past the point of irresistible to him. Shaking it off, he focused on the task at hand. He was going to win her a prize.

  “Which one were you going for?” he whispered.

  “The red-haired doll,” Lex answered softly.

  “Okay, the trick to these is finesse. A lot of people from my world believe claw machines are scams, but you can win with some practice.”

  Without taking his hand from hers, Jack willed a coin into the machine from his Inventory, and it sprung to life.

  He gripped her hand tightly and nudged the control stick left, then pulled it toward them. He leaned sideways a bit to get his perspective right and waited for the claw to come to a rest as it hung from the ceiling of the machine. The sheet music coming from inside increased its tempo, and Jack knew he only had a few seconds left before the claw would drop automatically. He nudged it a bit more to the right, waited for it to swing the way he wanted it to, and then pressed Lex’s thumb down on the button.

  The metal pincers plummeted down, its three individual claws sank deep into the pile of toys, and a smile grew on Jack’s lips. It was a clean drop. The claws constricted around the doll Lex had pointed out and lifted it up into the air.

  The blonde Bastion let out a small gasp as she watched it move upward out of the other prizes. When the claw hit the top of the glass booth, the sudden stop caused the doll to slip, only to be held by one of her sock-feet and Lex let out an “Oh!”, her gloved hands going to her mouth.

  But the brave doll held on until the claw disengaged, and the red-headed prize was deposited into the chute.

  Jack reached down and pulled it out, handing it to Lex.

  Her golden eyes shone with an inner light as she glanced from the stuffed doll to Jack.

  “You said there was no magic in your world, but if this machine isn’t magic, I don’t know what is.”

  Jack just smiled as Lex looked back down at the prize. She tensed suddenly, and her darker eyebrows nearly shot off the top of her head. She slowly turned her eyes back to his.

  “Jack, do you know what this is?”

  He gave her a frown and then shrugged. “A stuffed doll?”

  She held the shoddily stitched child’s toy out toward his face. “Inspect it,” she demanded. So he did.

  Molly the Moppet - [Artifact | Value: 500]

  A lopsided smile grew on Jack’s face as he realized it was probably worth more than everything on this Floor, combined.

  “I truly hate to interrupt,” Alt said from up one of the hallways, “but we have an incoming wandering monster.”

  Lex stashed the doll in her Inventory as they both spun to see what the Angry Sun was talking about. Quietly rolling toward them down the hall of pinball machines was a giant, white, six-sided die with black dots. One side at a time, it flipped forward.

  “Over here too!” Lex called, and Jack spun to see another die the size of the hallway coming at them from another path.

  “All sides,” Alt corrected as another appeared down the third unexplored arcade passage.

  Jack began to give orders. “I’ll take this one. Alt, the left. And Lex, see what you can do about the right. We’ll converge on you once ours are burnt down. If any of us get in trouble, we retreat as a group back to the Exit Orb and hold our ground there. Now, let’s do this!”

  - 27 -

  Jack didn’t wait for a discussion and ignited his Mining Laser on one of the three immense dice rolling toward them.

  Lucky Roller -27 | HP 80/107

  The massive cube flipped from three dots to five and was closing the distance fast, but Jack had his down to zero in three more seconds, adding another summon to Alt’s transformative repertoire.

  He checked to his right and saw Lex dart in with her first jab before swiftly jumping backward.

  Lucky Roller -45 | HP 62/107

  Two more like that and she’d have hers down. He checked his right and saw the ball of fire that was Alt send out his second blast of dual eyebeams.

  Lucky Roller -54 | Defeated

  As Jack spun around and rushed to back up Lex, he shook his head, reveling in how cheaty Alt had been since day one. The Angry Sun transformation had no defense and limited Hit Points, but with double Jack’s Main Hand damage every five seconds… his power scaled beautifully.

  Lex danced backward after her second melee hit with her blade on the huge cube, and Jack boldly jumped past her, slicing his weapon down on the advancing foe’s leading corner.

  Lucky Roller -45 | HP 17/107

  Lucky Roller -27 | Defeated

  The black and white die vanished in a swirl of rising dust, and a pair of metal boots dropped on the floor.

  Jack sucked them up into his Inventory and turned to flash a smile at Lex.

  “Pfft, three at once and we annihilated them.”

  Lex reached her left hand behind the small of her back to grab her sheath as she slid her blade into it over her shoulder, and Jack loved it every time she did.

  “Again, we’re only on Floor 13,” she said. “Things get harder at 20. And even with… our advantages, we’ll probably need a full party to handle anything over 50, or so I’m told.”

  “Speaking of advantages,” Jack said as he walked up to another claw machine, “we should blow most of our extra coins on plucking more Artifacts from these claw games.”

  “Absolutely,” Lex said, stepping up next to him.

  Jack willed over one of his 402 remaining coins to the machine, but nothing happened. He tried again, it didn’t work, and his brows came down under the weight of minor frustration.

  Alt hovered closer and shed some light on the situation.

  “It appears that these machines only function until a single item is dispensed.”

  Lex put a hand on his shoulder, and he turned to face her.

  “It’s okay, Jack. I would never have attempted to use coins on these bizarre contraptions as it is. I feel very fortunate to have this Artifact. And I had a great deal of fun learning these games.”

  “I think you should keep it,” he said on a whim. “Molly, I mean. We’re making plenty of Value for the Town- more each day.” He could tell she was about to object, so he put his finger up by her lips. “Hold onto her for now, okay? You decide later whether to dump her in the chest or keep her to remember today.”

  Lex shut her mouth and nodded. Her eyes turned to the floor and then back up at him, shining with that golden light that he cherished so much.

  “Very well,” Lex said at last. “Shall we finish this Floor and see what delightful meal Demi has in store for us at Exit?”

  “We shall,” Jack agreed. He never felt hungry or thirsty while they were in the Tower and wondered what would happen if he and Lex spent hours just hanging out, playing pinball games.

  Floor 13 continued in a maze-like fashion before them, and the trio came across more giant dice foes blocking the way forward. Before long, Alt spotted a unique doorway between the arcade games.

  Jack and Lex peeked inside and saw a 10-foot plush green dragon sitting in a large room decorated with pink and white paper streamers. The Floor Boss looked like one of the toys they could have won out of the claw machine, with cartoonish red spikes down its back onto its stubby tail and soft yellow horns on its head. It had a long snout with nostrils made of black string. Sitting in a corner was the Boss’s Exit Orb.

  “Looks like the place my mom rented for my ninth birthday party,” Jack whispered. “Except for the huge stuffed animal. That would have been pretty neat.”

  Movement from Lex caught his attention, and he saw her scanning the frame of the doorway.

  “I
bet the Boss won’t be able to fit through this opening,” she said, giving him a sly smile.

  He nodded. “Way to abuse the surroundings. Why don’t you hang back, relax, and let Alt and I blast this stuffed monster?”

  The shorter blonde Hero responded by stretching out her arms and stifling a yawn. “If you need me, I’ll be over here.”

  The burning ball of fire that was Alt’s current form floated up and positioned himself next to Jack. The Angry Sun turned his black eyes toward him.

  “It’ll be like shooting rabbits in a barrel.”

  “What- rabbits? For me, it’s shooting fish in a barrel.”

  “People in your world catch fish by shooting them? How does that work through the water?”

  Jack sighed. “No… Never mind. Let’s agree to say it’ll be like shooting a ridiculously big stuffed dragon through a tiny door. Deal?”

  The sun dipped his dark, angry eyes. “Deal.”

  “Let me shoot first, make sure I tag it for later. Then you blast away.”

  “Understood.”

  Jack took a few steps away from the door, just in case, then pulled his blade. After pointing it at the stationary stuffed Floor Boss, he initiated his Mining Laser.

  He expected the giant thing to burst into flame and helplessly try and claw at them through the door, but instead, the stuffed dragon split open, and about twenty or more smaller versions of the same green toy came pouring out.

  “Oh, Shit!” Jack yelled, angling his sword down and blasting one.

  Floor 13 Boss M -22 | Defeated

  The rest of the green plush dragons rushed the door on stubby legs that moved much too fast. Alt blasted another one to dust, but there were still far too many. It was the plague rats all over again.

  Six of them made it out into the hallway and opened their tiny stuffed mouths. What came out were flapping red and orange streamers and where they struck Jack, he felt intense burning pain.

  Jack -35 | HP 118/153

  Jack -35 | HP 83/153

  Jack -35 | HP 48/153

  He dashed away from the deadly creatures and saw Lex sprint forward to intercept them at the door. From the corner of his eye, Jack saw the Angry Sun hovering down the hall and was glad his swift-moving friend made it out in time.

  He pointed his blade at one of the few that made it out the door, destroying another, but this was going to get out of hand really fast. Lex held her shield up, but it wasn’t big enough to obstruct the massive amount of streamers flapping out of the tiny monsters.

  Lex -32 | HP 258/290

  Lex -32 | HP 226/290

  More were spilling out into the hallway, and unless he figured something out, they were in danger of getting surrounded. Jack’s eyes zipped over to Alt, who lanced another stuffed toy with his eyebeams, and he realized that he wasn’t out of options yet.

  He quickly pulled up the Alter Alt interface and yelled, “Stink ‘em out!” before slapping the Bile King option. Jack then turned to face the Bastion trying to hold the door.

  Lex -32 | HP 194/290

  Lex -32 | HP 162/290

  Lex -32 | HP 130/290

  “Get out of there, Lex!” he yelled as the morbidly obese monster known as the Bile King made his appearance next to the leather-clad beauty.

  Alt’s passive green cloud of funk permeated the whole area, and the miniature Boss dragons began popping from the area effect damage.

  Floor 13 Boss D -22 | Defeated

  Floor 13 Boss H -22 | Defeated

  Floor 13 Boss N -22 | Defeated

  Floor 13 Boss S -22 | Defeated

  …

  Jack blasted any more that came out of the Boss chamber with his death laser, and the battle was over quickly after that. The euphoric tingling of reaching Hero Level 14 washed over Jack, and he shuddered with pleasure.

  Lex sheathed her blade behind her back and put a hand to her nose.

  “Nice thinking,” she said, turning to Jack.

  Jack in turned bowed deeply toward Alt’s new portly form. “And nice stinking, your majesty.”

  The stench-ridden form of Alt nodded briskly, and the creature’s jowls undulated with his movements.

  “A prime use of this particular collected form and of the ability itself.”

  “Let’s get out of here,” Lex said, walking into the Boss chamber. She looked over her shoulder and added, “No offense, Alt. You’re undoubtedly amazing, but I can’t abide this stench.”

  “None taken, Lex. I shall see you both for tomorrow’s climb.” With that, the Bile King locked eyes with Jack before waddling his massive form back down the pinball-lined hall.

  “Until tomorrow, Alt,” she said. “Loot the chest while I heal myself, Jack. Then I’ll heal you.”

  He was about to join her in the Boss chamber when Alt spoke directly in Jack’s mind.

  “By the way, even if Lex keeps that Artifact, the Town will reach Level 3 today. Before it does, I can affect which buildings get upgraded. Of the four options; the Wall, the Lumber Mill, the Inn and the Townsfolk houses, three will randomly get upgraded unless you choose to sacrifice one, making the others certain. Also, the Flour Mill will be restored. It won’t matter too much because the job is fairly straightforward, and most Townsfolk will be proficient, but you should probably pick someone to load the grain into the hopper.”

  As always, this form of communication was much faster than normal speech, and all of this was conveyed before Jack took one step.

  Jack sent back questions regarding the flour mill.

  “Yes, it’s a windmill that turns a grindstone, automatically transforming grain into flour. The farm should be able to supply the wheat and then Demi will be able to make breads.”

  Jack mentally drooled over the culinary possibilities. He queried Alt about the long-shot possibility of just deleting the Fisherman’s Wharf altogether and replacing it with another new building, or maybe an extra upgrade. Sol caused too many problems for everyone, and he was done with seafood.

  “Uh, not really…” Alt responded. But there was a longer than normal pause. “Actually, now that you mention it. When the Town upgrades, there is a small window of opportunity where I could technically delete the Wharf and put it right back. The good news is the option for Townsfolk assignment would be reset. Your penchant for odd creativity continues to impress me, Jack. As I’ve established before, this is why having a Player in the world makes all the difference because as I’ve previously stated, creativity really isn’t my strong suit and is why I had to employ multiple gaming station hardware/software matrices-

  “Do it. Assign Garl.” Jack said out loud, cutting off Alt’s rapidly spiraling ramble. “And assign that guard- Blevins, right? Assign him to the flour mill where he can toil and stay out of trouble. I’m going to ask Lex about the rest.”

  Jack wanted to make all the decisions about how to upgrade Blackmoor Cove, but he thought it might be time to start asking the Townsfolk what they wanted. He was no medieval city planning expert, after all.

  “Understood,” Alt said in his mind. “Also, Sol will be randomly assigned after the… creative use of system mechanics.”

  Jack mentally let him know the message was received.

  He smiled as he walked into the Boss chamber and said, “That’ll be fun.”

  “What’ll be fun?” Lex said, finishing her lovely healing melody.

  “Help me make a decision, Lex. Before we leave the Tower, I need to pick three of four buildings to get upgraded when the Town levels. Which would you pick: the Inn, the Wall, the Lumber Mill or the Townsfolk houses. I’m leaning toward kicking out the Lumber Mill, myself. Affects fewer people.”

  Lex just stood there blinking at him. “You… can pick?”

  “Well, Alt’s doing the heavy lifting. I need to make the decision, and I want your advice. Oh, and Alt also told me that the Town will still level even if you keep Molly the Moppet- which I am still in favor of, by the way.”

  Lex closed her golden eyes and sh
ook her head.

  “The madness never ends with you…” she whispered.

  “I know, I’m a lot to handle,” Jack said, flashing her a winning smile. “You think about it while I loot the Boss chest.”

  He padded across the short-pile carpet of the party-room and held his hand out to collect their winnings.

  Floor 13 Rewards - Boss Chest

  Alabaster Buckler - [Shield | Value: 64]

  | Def: 27 |

  | Max HP + 37 |

  Mage Hacker - [Sword | Value: 63]

  | Dmg: 21 |

  | Max MP + 18 |

  | Magic Power + 13|

  Lucky Coin - [Off-Hand | Value 67]

  | Main Hand Damage + 3 (Randomizes on Floor Transition) |

  | Max HP + 12 |

  | Dodge + 30 |

  | Instant Exit: Entire Party Exits (Item destroyed on use) |

  ~ Holding hands with fate

  Jack couldn’t believe his eyes. Everything in this chest was useful, and he only struggled for a moment over the choices. The debate over whether he was going to ditch the shield had been decided. Not only did this unique off-hand item boost his own stats, but would carry over to Alt as well. He fed the mage blade to the entity living in his Main Hand slot, then moved both the alabaster shield and his own kite shield into his Inventory.

  With excitement running over his spine like ice water, he moved the coin into his Off-Hand slot.

  He expected to find a disk of metal in the palm of his hand, but there was nothing there. He turned his gloved hand over in confusion and saw something new embedded in the leather.

  Snugly wedged into a round slot that hadn’t been there before was a well-worn silver coin with a seven-pointed star etched into its surface. Jack made a fist, then shook his hand out. The coin wasn’t going anywhere, and he was grateful he didn’t have to clutch onto the small object while fighting.