First Up

by Ella Jackson

  Perfect.

  I went to the door and flung it open.

  “Hi.” Tanya stood with outstretched hands in front of me. This was a different lady than the one I had been kissing from the last time we'd seen each other.

  “Hi?” I smiled, pointing at the bag she carried.

  “If I had known all this was here, I might have tried this a lot sooner,” she said.

  ”Maybe, but I was figuring that I wouldn't get any sleep."

  She grinned, but she was still nervous.

  I thought we were over that; we’d had another great date. Did I kiss her first?

  “Yeah, of course.”

  Once the door swung shut behind us, I took her face in my hands. “What did you get?”

  "Well, I was going to get Thai."

  She walked through the swivel kitchen door and I followed. “Tanya?” I moved across the room and grabbed her two hands.

  “At first I thought that was amazing and then I found some reviews for a new fried chicken place. How does that sound?"

  I nodded and inhaled.

  “It’s fantastic.” I got out some plates and headed for the table.

  "It’s been a long day. I figured you could use something to eat."

  One bite in, and I was sold. “This is amazing.” The spices spread on my tongue, and I swallowed, relishing the texture and taste.

  “Where is this place?” I asked.

  She covered her mouth and giggled. “Just up the road.”

  “Huh.”

  I had to get her attention. Who was the most down to earth person I knew who could help me make some sense of everything that was going on in my life right now?

  I looked to her and nodded. "Thanks."

  We spent the better part of the rest of the night talking about everything could think of.

  “Do you want to watch a movie?”

  “After the last one? I should report you for false advertising..”

  "Ha. Even I can’t argue with that. Glass of wine?"

  “I’m not really a big drinker, but for you I’m sure I could suffer through one or two.” She smiled.

  When she nodded, I took her hand, pulling her down on the lounger with me. I wanted her to believe that what we had was real, but I had no way of knowing if she did.

  She waited until I was looking at her to continue.

  “Will, we need to talk.”

  I nodded, getting anxious. That didn’t sound good. “I— okay.”

  “Don't worry.” She smiled. Or at least that’s what I hope it was.

  “What else is on your mind?” She pursed her lips together and rolled her eyes. I wanted to break her out of that, but I wasn’t sure how to get her to do it.

  “Yeah. I'm not sure what we're doing here.”

  "It’s nothing. Never mind."

  She tried to tug her hand away, and I only pulled her harder.

  “You can talk to me, Tanya. What’s going on?"

  She turned her head and sighed.

  “Why is this so hard for us?”

  Oh boy. We’re actually going through with this?

  "Because I wanted you from the second I set eyes on you."

  I cannot believe this happened.

  Maybe.

  But was I really ready for all this? As a matter of fact, was she?

  “It’s one thing to be friends, but if we are sleeping together that would undoubtedly get complicated.”

  Knowing I was watching her, she walked to the nearest wall and looked at the sports memorabilia hanging there.

  I shook my head. “No fuckin’ way. Tanya, I want more than just sex. You know that.”

  She looked at me. “Tell me more.”

  ”What else can I tell you?" I laughed. “I want you as a whole person.”

  "You hardly know much about me. What I like, for instance."

  "What do you like?"

  “I like you.” I looked at her and smiled. “I noticed that.”

  "And, well...Reading, maybe."

  "Okay," I said carefully, "that's a start. What kind of stories?”

  “Horror stories,” Tanya said with dramatic flair.

  I smiled. “Interesting.”

  “I’m still trying to figure why.”

  “It’s just a story, I guess.”

  “Yeah, I get it. I like love stories too, though. I want that emotional connection that I’ve read about in books and seen in movies, that moment when two people become one and it truly feels like one."

  She sat on the couch next to me. "But what do you want, Will?”

  "On the field, or off it?"

  "Off the field. Real life. Did you want a family?"

  “I think so.” She didn’t belong to me, and I knew that as much as she did.

  “I don’t want things to be like they were with my parents.”

  It was important to put it all out there, to be completely honest. It was a hard, I admit, to be sitting here with her, and not kissing her, but this was important.

  It was clear she wasn’t a jersey-chaser when she didn’t look my way the first time we met. I realized I just wanted to be there for her. But she didn’t think like that.

  I was excited to play with my new team on Saturday because I knew that we had a chance to be big, not just because they had the money to buy good players, but because the players were working their asses off to stay the best, and didn’t quit.

  “If you’re serious about the Thunderbirds being the best, do you have time for a family?"

  I almost laughed but stopped myself. "Fair point. Soccer isn't for ever, Tanya. I know that."

  She rolled her eyes. “That’s not the point.”

  I shrugged. “It is what it is. I'll play for as long as I can, but I need something outside the game. I’ve accepted that. Joe is happy with his wife and kid, and Ricky is such a show-off it’s no wonder the other teams are gunning for him. He really doesn’t care. But I don’t want to be like him."

  "Yeah, I understand."

  I took her hand, squeezing it. "I know that this between us will work out, simply because I know that I’m not going to let you go. I want to lead this team, but I need more than that."

  This was crazy. I definitely didn’t talk about my family, not with my teammates, except for Joe, and definitely not with any women of the past, but with Tanya my guards seemed to be crumbling and I didn’t even mind.

  “So just the Thunderbirds and then…?” She was draped over me, and her breath was on my neck.

  “I want to be able to remember this time in my life for more than just sports. I want someone to come home to."

  She looked down. ”I’ve never had that."

  "I love soccer. But I don’t want it to be the rest of my life. All I can do is train and lead as hard as I damn can, and that's it. A trade could come at any time. The owners could get tired of paying my salary."

  "What about your family?"

  It’s never been a problem before. But this time it was beginning to truly concern me. I’d never brought a girl home and my parents would make a big deal out of it, I could just tell, and so would the rest of my family. I was getting paranoid again.

  “There's not much we can do right now, but…” I said.

  She blinked and looked up at me. “I know. I can’t see that far ahead. Not for a few more months at least."

  I sighed. “I didn’t ask you to.”

  Was this the end? The question was—had she just had a temporary thing, or did she want more? I wanted to pull her to me and demand to know what was going on, but it just wasn't the right time. The last thing either of us needed was a scene.

  But if she was strong enough to walk away from everything she’d known in Iowa and come here, she was definitely strong enough to take a risk with me and trust us not to repeat her history.

  Would she go that far? I turned my head and looked at her. She was staring at her hands in her lap, her fists opening and closing, the look on her face telling me what she hadn’t s
aid in words.

  Sixteen

  He may have been distracting me, but I know he was preoccupied with what had happened between us too. We weren’t supposed to be together. We were too different.

  I should have cut and run then, but something was stopping me.

  He was too nice. He dropped me off at my apartment and even walked me to the door.

  Then again, what was I supposed to do? Since I’d met Will, for real he's not exactly the guy I’d picture myself ending up with.

  Nope.

  Not going there.

  I couldn’t give in to this.

  He was better than that. He wasn’t going to see another one of these opportunities at soccer, and he could miss it.

  It was almost enough to make the worry disappear.

  I hadn’t seen him in almost a week since I'd come to his place, and since then I hadn't replied to his messages. I’d ignored him. I hadn't sat down and faced the situation as I’d do from time to time when I wasn’t working. It was hard not to. Not that it would matter in the long run.

  I needed to do this. I needed to tell him.

  But what if he got together with someone else? A few months ago, I might not have cared, but now even the idea of him being with someone else sent a stab through my heart.

  It wasn’t him. I loved this city. My job. Not some guy.

  I shrugged and turned back to my desk once again, but this time, I stopped as I see Matt standing with a folder in his hands in front of me.

  “Why do you look so surprised?” He waved the folder at me. "Here's the traces you asked for."

  I grimaced and wondered how I was going to keep from scowling for the rest of the day.

  "Thanks."

  “It’s nothing.”

  “Then get the heck off home and don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way.” I picked the folder up off the chair and opened it. “I have things to do.”

  “Well, yes.”

  I was grumpy even at Matt, who didn't deserve it. But that’s not me. "Sorry man. It's not you."

  “Then what is it?” Should I tell him? Not that I cared what he thought. But if I said nothing, he would also know something was up.

  “You can trust me, Tanya.”

  I nodded gloomily. “I have to break it off with Will.”

  His eyebrows shot up. “WHY? Did something happen?"

  I shook my head.

  “Are you pregnant?”

  I threw my pen at him. “NO! Why does there have to be a reason?"

  He smirked. “I saw how you looked at him. And it most certainly wasn’t disinterested.”

  “It’s not like that.”

  His expression was serious. “Do you like him?”

  “No, I think- I don't know."

  He narrowed his eyes. “I know, Tanya, I know.”

  Is it only work, or is it that he thinks I'm a jersey-chaser? That’s the last thing I want Will to think of when he sees me. When I told him I wasn’t sure what I wanted, he said that was okay.

  The only thing I was sure of was that I’d give it my all if we were together.

  Matt walked up to me and then stopped in front of me. I knew he would try and talk me out of it, but my mind was made up. I was being an ass and I knew it, but I couldn’t help it most times.

  “Another traffic infringement case.”

  I stood as he walked over to the desk and held his hand out. Damn it. I was thinking about the time I'd accepted a ride home in Will's car, and how I'd turned him down then.

  I looked up to see Matt looking at me.

  "Yeah, yeah. We're too different, that's all."

  “We’re all different. So what?"

  I didn’t answer. I managed to make it all the way to the door when things started to go wrong. Matt followed me.

  “You’re looking for something he's not giving you?”

  “Um—” I said.

  “You don’t want to go out with him?”

  I sat with my coffee cooling in front of me. I’m looking for something? Me? I had to be. That’s why I was so scared. I'm not a huge sports fan, but I knew there wasn't much of a future for someone going out with an athlete.

  “I’m not interested in playing games, Matt.”

  "I get that. But you need to decide what you want."

  If I knew any better, I’d say he’s trying to help salvage this and ignore what’s happening on my face in favor of us having a normal conversation.

  I shook my head. “He's just not the kind of guy I thought I'd end up with."

  ”Look, you know how he feels about you. What’s the problem?" I forced myself to look away.

  "Again, Tanya, what do you want?"

  “I want to stop moving and settle. To just be a part of someone's daily life. I don’t see how I can compete with his groupies when it comes to being able to travel. But Will can’t know that.

  Matt nodded. “That’s a tough one.”

  I didn’t know how it worked in Will's kind of environment, but I wasn’t going to chance my reputation or my career. I don’t have the heart to tell him there’s no future for us, thanks to my stupid feelings.

  I already feel terrible for what I’m about to do—not because I think he and I would make such a great couple, but because I like spending time with him, and once I tell him it’s over between him and me…

  I’ll probably never see him again.

  This is not how I hoped my first season would go.

  "Do you want to see him as a friend?"

  “Not the way you’re thinking.”

  No.

  NO.

  “Look, I saw how you looked at him. I kept silent because, at the end of the day, I believed it was your decision.”

  I looked at him wryly. "I take back every not-so-nice thought I had about you when you dropped me in it on that first day.”

  "So do you just want to be friends with him or what?"

  I don’t want that. Matt smiled gently. “But I can’t stop thinking that you could have more if you wanted.”

  I pursed my lips. “Do you think so?”

  He grinned, victorious. “I do, for sure. Otherwise, what? You're going to let him go, knowing what you know?”

  I nodded. “I have to.”

  "No, you don't. I am not going explain to you until you face the facts and realize it’s not what you really want.”

  "Matt, I’m not sure if I can talk to him about this. You don’t have to worry about me falling for the wrong guy, because I’m done."

  I wanted to turn and walked away, but I was trapped at my desk. I kept telling myself I wanted nothing to do with Will. Normally, I’d tell the man to mind his own business, but I can tell that he’s interested not for the sake of gossip, but because he cares about me.

  My phone buzzed. Will’s number was still up on the screen. This was the second time in two days he'd called.

  Did he really not get it? I was doing this for him. I knew this was going to happen.

  I hated having to be the one to do it, but someone needed to burst that bubble of hope.

  I told myself Matt didn't actually mean any of the things he said, he was just trying to get a rise out of me. I also took it as a sign that I needed to get back to work, so I dove into some paperwork.

  >Will, it's Tanya. I'm sorry, but I can't do this. We can't be together. I wish we could, but it's not right for me.

  I was nervous after I sent it, wondering if maybe I should’ve waited to tell him in person.

  This was it. I needed to get a grip on reality, and I needed to do it soon.

  Will needed me to do it. It was easier this way. But the entire time, all I could think about was the feeling of his arms around my chest, and the feeling in my gut telling me to just go for it.

  Ugh.

  The thought of him out with someone else made my heart ache. I’d never see him again. And he wouldn’t make the mistake of pursuing me again. Once would be enough.

  As much as I want to say 'take me up a
gainst this wall like one of your groupies', I don’t want him to treat me like one of them either. Be polite. Professional.

  I could remember everything that happened between us, despite trying to tell myself it was all a game to him. All the times he’d lift me up with his smile. I seriously don’t understand why he’d want to keep pursuing me after I'd just told him we couldn't be together.

  I could do this.

  I could be strong.

  It was for the best.

  I was doing everything I could to drag this out. I wasn’t lying to myself when I said that I missed him. But I was.

  The guilt was back.

  He was the kind of guy who would break a girl's heart a dozen times over without even knowing he was doing it, and here I was, mooning over him beyond anything I'd ever known before.

  Why wasn’t I moving on? Why did I want to carried off by him? I'm so used to being fine and able to handle whatever problem I’m facing.

  There were things we needed to say to one another, but every time I imagined opening my mouth to start, the words evaporated from my tongue. He’d been honest about what he wanted. Everything will work out for him in the end. I’m just making sure.

  He was a hard worker and one of the best men I knew, but sometimes people just aren't in the right place at the right time, that's all. There was no way around it.

  I took a breath and let it out.

  Matt stuck his head out the door.

  “Go for a walk,” he said.” “Clear your head. I can hold down the fort.”

  It wasn’t easy, but I stood up. “Okay. I could use some fresh air. If you’re sure.”

  He nodded once. “I am.”

  I forced a smile. “Okay, I’m heading out.”

  I should try to get some sleep tonight. But, no matter what I told myself, it seemed like there were only two things that could happen. Either Will never wanted to see me again, or he'd hook up with someone else and I'd have to see the two of them together.

  I had another hour or so before I had to head home. I wanted to be left alone with thoughts of Will, but I knew that wasn't healthy.

  My phone buzzed, and I looked at the screen. Will had messaged me about our last day out, saying he was going to get me flowers.

  Me and the Captain.

  Why did he have to look and feel so good when he put his arms around me? It got so much harder.