First Up

by Ella Jackson

  I gripped her hands gently. "It’s okay. Take all the time you need to get better, and we'll all be here waiting for you."

  No-one else even knew we were together yet. A few of the players had ribbed me about it, but once the training kicked in they quickly resumed thinking about their own problems once again.

  Tanya took my hand and pulled me closer. “Thanks for looking after me, Will. I owe you one.” Sh surprised me even more by grinning, painfully.

  “I’ll be okay, I promise. Thank you for being here."

  I’ve gotta take her back, make her remember who she is, help her get her spark back. I just don't know how.

  “Good. Don't you have to go?”

  “Yes,” I said, “but not for a while. The team can manage without me for a few hours."

  There was a knock on the door and Jessie walked in, without bothering to wait. "Hey, you guys." She pointed at me. "There's a car waiting outside to get you to training whenever you're ready. Don't worry about anything else, and don't worry about her." She waved at Tanya. "I can work from here, no problem."

  Tanya looked at us both with a small smile. “I’m pretty popular it seems.”

  Jessie narrowed her eyes at me. “Don't let him get away with anything.”

  I opened the door to the room for her extravagantly. "Feel free to leave anytime."

  Jessie and the team had been warm and welcoming and put Tanya at her ease, and I would always be grateful to them for it. She stepped forward until she was standing in front of me.

  “Will, come on. Stop worrying.”

  “Okay, I hear you.”

  After our talk on the way, I figured she’d be happy to hear that me and Tanya worked things out, but now I’m not so sure.

  “Good.”

  I owed her one, as I did the rest of my friends in the team. “Thank you for doing all this.”

  Jessie humphed and walked out of the room. "Just come get me when you're ready."

  "She's quite a girl, you know." Tanya looked at me wryly. "You're lucky to have her on your side."

  "Ha. One day she’s busting my ass, and the next she’s barging into my life and asking me about you. Lucky is one word for it.”

  I knew Jessie wouldn’t stop until the team was as good as it could be.

  "You wouldn't want it any other way."

  “Of course not.”

  “Will, I’m sorry.”I looked down and met her gaze. “For what?”

  She looked guilty. “Sorry for all of this. I haven't been fair to you.”

  I didn’t want her to shut down like she’d been when we saw each other last time. I thought she was getting better, somehow.

  I wanted to close my eyes and sigh. “You need to just rest and get better, okay?”

  She smiled. “Yes, Captain.” She nodded, but I wasn’t even sure she had listened to a word I’d said.

  She didn’t seem to be the same person, not that that was surprising. She was probably used to keeping her personal life under wraps at the office. She had a life and career, and she took it seriously.

  "I talked to Matt. There's an investigation underway right now, and they're tracing the car. If it was deliberate, they'll get to the bottom of it."

  Tanya just smiled, but that smile was enough. Her smile didn't quite reach her eyes.

  “Are you feeling okay?”

  She nodded. “I’ll get better, Will. I’m just sorry you had to be a part of this."

  I narrowed my eyes. “It’s not that easy. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

  “I’m not okay. I don’t know if I’ll ever be." She took a wheezing breath.

  I hadn't meant to make things worse. I wanted to make her feel better. It was like I hadn’t known how badly I needed to see her until it was a possibility I'd have her taken away. I just didn’t know what to say to have her understand I needed her.

  “I’m sorry.” I hated that she was suffering and trying to be strong.

  She stared into my eyes. “Please don’t apologise. You've done absolutely everything you could.”

  “Are you hungry?”

  “Not really.”

  She leaned back in the bed as I paced up and down the room. I wanted to be a part of her healing, let her know she didn’t have to go at it alone.

  In my frustration, I reached over and fiddled with her chart. "What the hell do they put on these things, anyway? How do medical staff even read them?"

  "It's a bit of an art." She wheezed slightly, reaching out a bandaged hand. "Can I see?"

  I handed it to her, and she tilted it sideways to match her head position. "It says I'm pretty screwed up, basically."

  I snorted despite my worry. "That's your professional opinion, Doctor?"

  "Yeah, basically. Look here. Three cracked vertebrae, punctured lung, broken shoulder, depressed skull fracture. Not bad going for someone who was just leaving work." She shook her head and handed it back to me. "I'm going to be in here for a while, I think."

  I tried to sound cheerful. "Something tells me you'll heal fairly quickly. I know you're going to get a fair bit of attention from the Thunderbirds players and staff, whether either of us want that or not."

  She smiled in acknowledgement. I was just grateful something had improved her mood. A normal conversation helped make this whole situation feel a lot less weird.

  “You have to leave, you've got practice.” I shot her a look.

  I shrugged. "They'll live. Sometimes it does them good to know what they're missing."

  I turned away and tried to find another answer again, something to cheer her up.

  “Do you want to keep playing here in the USA or do you want to go home to England?”

  I didn’t answer. If she and I were going to have a chance, I wanted to be there for her in the long run. But I couldn't say that now.

  “I can't go home after this season, or the press would excoriate me.” I was worried that Tanya would think I wasn't being honest with her, but I didn't know what else I could say.

  “You just stick at it, Will. You've got the ability, and everyone knows it.” She hugged herself.

  I picked up my keys, and squeezed her hand one more time. "Okay, I should go."

  She didn’t look at me while I moved, staring down at the blanket in front of her.

  I came to the side of the bed and perched next to her. “So you want me to come and see you tomorrow?”

  I had a feeling I already knew the answer, but I had to ask.

  She shook her head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Will.”

  When I reached out my hand, she didn’t look up.

  “I—

  “Are you okay?” I leaned down, so my face was in front of hers.

  “I’m just tired.”

  I reached out and grabbed her shoulders with both hands, as if my touch alone would stop her.

  “Tanya, I would have done anything to stop this happening.” She wouldn't meet my eyes.

  “Yes, but you shouldn’t have to.” I was whirling, lost for what to say. Finally, she gestured to the door. "Go and win the league, you."

  “I— okay.”

  Wiping her eyes, she inhaled sharply, then slowly released a ragged breath, but she managed to get her emotions under control.

  She tilted her head. “I want some.” She kept her voice even. “Space.” My stomach dropped.

  I didn’t want to fight. I didn’t argue.

  I wanted to see her happy.

  “Okay.”

  For a second she just stared at me.

  I glanced back as I stepped out, closing the door behind her.

  “Will?” Jessie's face was worried.

  “I have to go.”

  “Call me if you need anything.” I nodded once and headed for the door.

  She didn’t call me today. If only she’d text.

  I knew what this was.

  The cold, dead look in Tanya’s gaze the last time I tried to get through to her her. She was right, and in the back o
f my mind, I knew she had a valid point.

  Twenty

  Tanya

  I’ve been sitting in my hospital bed, in the dark silence, for a few minutes, but it seemed like an hour. I hadn't been this intimate with anyone since before I moved to Cheyenne, not even when I was dating.

  That was scary. Leaving me alone for the second time in two days, ready to jump out of my skin, and no company except the thought of how badly I’ve fucked this up.

  I had no idea I had planned to do, so I listened quietly to the sound of my chest rising and falling, which ended up being a good thing. A couple of days had passed since Will and I had kissed and made out, and though I still hadn’t told him what was going on, I was getting closer every day.

  I wouldn’t have walked into the street if I had thought someone was out to get me. I didn’t even think about it.

  I couldn’t tell Will.

  He’d realize I was serious about not be able to be with him, and he’d leave me alone. I knew what was coming. I thought I’d never have to see him again.

  I needed to move on, but this wasn't something I thought I'd be doing so soon.

  I was an adult, in an adult relationship. But I was in the hospital, as a result of my own mistakes. I won't make those mistakes again.

  We'd been doing this dance for nearly a week, and I figured it was time to end things.

  Maybe I could start here. My life could be so much worse. Sure, this might have been difficult, and I'm sure there were times when I would struggle to make this work, but in the end I know it'll be worth taking the chance.

  I should tell Will how great he is. As if he needed that. But I wasn't in a place where I was going to let this affect me.

  Some part of me wanted to believe that this was all a dream. Sure I had joked to myself that I might find someone like Will, but I'd never actually assumed I would.

  This wasn't what I wanted.

  I didn't want to have to do it this way.

  I didn't care.

  After I had woken up, I tried to read, and I tried to sleep, but sleep didn't come.

  I wanted to stay here and take care of Will. He could call me right now and tell me he was going to dedicate his life to me and if it made him happy, I'd be just as happy.

  But that couldn't be. I needed to do this on my own.

  I thought about my parents. After what had happened, I wasn't in the mood to deal with Dad. I had plenty of time to get my head together and decide what I was can say to him. I needed to. If he wouldn't bring up what happened, and I wouldn't either.

  I had to talk to Matt first.

  I couldn't let Will see me cry, see me weak. It took a long time for me to build this reputation with my colleagues.

  Even now, I don't know if I'd be able to get out of bed if it weren't for the voice in my head driving me onward, telling me that I can be the best cop possible.

  Will told me I could take all the time I needed to think it over. But what I did know was that if there was ever a chance of me getting over him, I would need to be strong.

  But I couldn't let myself worry about that now.

  This was the first bad thing that happened to me since I moved here, but I was quite sure of how I'd left it back home. I hadn't had this feeling in quite some time, but I remember it like it was yesterday.

  My parents would have been reading about me in the papers, and I could feel the disapproval from here.

  Things weren't that bad. I had health insurance. And I had a job I could go back to. I would get better.

  "I can take care of this." I said the words aloud, but they lacked conviction. As if on cue, a knock sounded at the door, gently.

  "Come on." I didn't know who it was, but right now any company would do.

  "Tanya?" I heard a female voice.

  "Jessie." I sighed with relief. One of the few people I wanted to hear.

  I couldn’t stop shaking my head at how kind people were, to make sure that I was okay.

  "Is it broken?" Jessie stood next to me, coming into the room and looking around worriedly.

  "Jessie," I sighed, "Everything is broken."

  "Oh, honey." Jessie stepped to my side again and offered a hand. "You'll just have to wait for things to get better."

  "We could have worked it out."

  It was too late now.

  I looked at the door, and Joe and Ricky was standing there.

  "What are you guys doing here?" My voice shook a little. Joe looked at Jessie and then back at me.

  "Jessie has said how much improvement you've made in the last couple of days." Joe stood, looking at me from the door. "We've been worried about you."

  That wasn't what I wanted. I didn't even want them to know about it. I didn't want them to worry about me. "I'm sorry."

  Ricky shrugged. "You didn't deserve this."

  "I'm fine." I eyed the table.

  "You don't look fine."

  I shrugged. "This is nothing."

  Ricky barked out a laugh. "Yeah, right." He stared into my eyes. "Why you doing this?"

  I squared my shoulders. "What do you mean?"

  He looked back at me belligerently. "I mean, why you pushing Will away?"

  I grimaced. "Well, I can't imagine he wants to invite me up or have anything to do with me now, not after what I've done."

  Not right now. I didn't need this right now. "Look guys, I can take care of myself." I leaned forward. "I appreciate you coming here, but you don't need to worry about me. I'll be fine."

  Jessie squeezed my hand again. "That's not what we mean, Tanya. We're not here to bother you. We telling you that because we don't want you to be afraid of love. We don't have to ask how you and Will feel about each other."

  Joe coughed. "We have something we need to tell you, Tanya. All of us."

  It surprised me that they all said in unison.

  "Guys," I try saying it another way, "I don't want Will to get hurt." I couldn't think of what to say or do, and they read it on my face.

  "Tanya," sighed Jessie, "if we going to do this, you have to trust us. We talk about you. Just because you claim that you and Will are friends, that doesn't mean we believe it. We've seen the way you look at each other. We both know there's nothing we can do unless you actually want help. Maybe you don't get that."

  She was right.

  I didn't get it.

  Didn't he see how much they cared about him?

  Again I cursed myself for falling for him in the first place. The one that should have got away, and for what?

  My one promise to myself was that I had to get over him for good and to do that I had to pretend like he didn't exist.

  "Guys, I know this is a pain, but like I said, it'll pass."

  I just didn't know what to do right now. This wasn't what they wanted. But I knew what I wanted, and although part of me wanted Will, I knew that wasn't right for him, or for me.

  I think when they saw Will and I together, they got some idea we were fated; that we are right for each other.

  "Don't get me wrong, I want him to be happy."

  "He was happy with you." Joe muttered under his breath.

  "Tanya, he needs to know how you feel." Jessie's face was serious. "It's that simple. I guess I'm confused about why it's so hard for you to accept that. There's nothing I want more in the world than to see Will happy and to see him leading this team to victory on Saturday night."

  I had to smile. They all worked so well together, blocking off any avenue of retreat anticipating what I was going to say. I could see how they were a team.

  "Will, and I aren't a couple."

  "You've had two dates." Jessie smiled triumphantly.

  "Jessie, I don't know." They all blinked at me. Ricky shook his head.

  "What?"

  I sighed. "I don't think you get it."

  I like him. I care about him. I know what's coming.

  I just want to go back to how I was before we met. I don't want to like him, or want or need him all the time.r />
  I'm trying to do the right thing by him.

  My feelings must have been written on my face. Jessie looked at Joe and Ricky and raised her eyebrows. "Tanya, you need to understand one thing."

  They both nodded in agreement.

  "Nothing is going to take Will away from you. I've never seen him as happy as he's been since he met you. He's dedicated himself to this team, and you're the thing that helps him get through the day. You're the one, you're the only girl who has turned his head, and it's because he feels something for you that all those other girls have never woken in him."

  I didn't know what to say. I fought the tears coming to my eyes.

  "How do you know Jessie?" My voice was so gentle that Jessie looked surprised.

  I looked away, down at the blanket. I couldn't face thinking about this.

  Will wasn't the one I wanted to talk to right now. I wanted to tell someone, anyone that this wasn't the right thing for both of us.

  How had this happened?

  How could I think he'd be okay with not knowing whether I would come home any night?

  With not knowing if I'd been shot on the beat, or run down on the street like I almost was?

  Who the fuck would put up with that?

  Letting my head slump forward, I closed my eyes and breathed deeply.

  "Okay," I admitted. "I do want Will. I wish things were different, but they aren't." I opened my mouth to say more, but I don't get the chance before I'm greeted by a curse from Ricky.

  "Damn right!"

  Jessie smiled. "You and he have some decisions to make. Tell him how you feel. If you want to know more, ask."

  I finally looked up at her. "I'm scared."

  Jessie came to sit next to me on the bed. "That's okay. You're my friend, and trust me, if anyone wants the best thing for you, it's me. And these guys." She waved an arm in the direction of the two burly men standing in the corner. "It's hard for most people to believe that we're going to be a real team, but it's happening. I can't speak for these guys, but I couldn't be happier. I think we both know you're a part of that now. And not just for not arresting."

  I let out a deep sigh. "Thanks, Jessie."

  "We're here for you, we always will be. You look like you could use some allies in this town." She leaned forward and put her arms around me. “I’m not giving you a choice. We're not letting you down. We’re friends, and you better just get used to it.