A Walk Through Fire

by Felice Stevens

  Within ten minutes, the two were on their way to his grandmother’s house. They first stopped in Carroll Gardens, and while Ash picked up some cookies, Drew ran into the cheese store to pick up some of his grandmother’s favorites, as well as his own. He spent a little time tasting both the cheeses and the crackers that accompanied them, and decided to buy several different kinds. That, along with the wine and cookies would make for a nice visit.

  After storing their purchases in the trunk of Ash’s sporty car, they were on their way again, to his grandmother’s house in the heart of Flatbush. After World War II and her escape from Poland, she’d found the few remaining members of her family here in Brooklyn and never left. It was the only place, she once confided to him, she felt safe. He and Rachel loved the small house she and Papa Sy had shared. Their little bit of heaven of the American dream, she always joked. All his fondest childhood memories revolved around Rachel and him visiting their grandparents, spending many weekends helping Papa in the garden growing vegetables and Nana cooking in the kitchen.

  They pulled up to the house and parked in the driveway. Her impatiens bloomed in the front yard, the interspersed pink, white, and red colors reminding him of peppermints, while the ceramic pots of crimson geraniums lined the steps up to her redbrick porch. A faint scent of barbecue from a nearby house tickled his nose, causing his stomach to rumble with an ungracious noise. He loved the summertime, when it didn’t turn dark until later in the evening.

  Ash chuckled. “Hungry?”

  His face heated. “I missed lunch, so yeah.” Hoisting the bag, he spoke over his shoulder. “The cheeses and rest of the stuff will tide me over, though.”

  Ash grinned and not for the first time, Drew wondered what went on inside his head. It took an incredibly strong personality to thrust aside the emotional disintegration of a mere hour before. He wished he could learn how to do it.

  But, Drew realized, in a way he did—burying his fear, the loneliness so thick and black sometimes he stayed up all night rather than succumb to sleep and his nightmares. Adopting the cat had solved only a small part of his problem. His heart remained lonely.

  “Nana? Where are you?” He stepped into the small entranceway, decorated with framed pictures of his family, all the way back to when Nana came to this country from Poland. There were no pictures of her as a young child, or any of her relatives, as she’d come with merely the clothes on her back. All her immediate family, her parents and three siblings, had been lost in World War II. Turning to Ash, he beckoned. “She must be in the kitchen, listening to the radio. Follow me.”

  “I have been here before, you know. I know where to go.” Ash’s grumble brought Drew up short, mystifying the hell out of him.

  Not for the first time, Drew wondered, Why would someone like Ash want to spend time with an elderly grandmother? Another intriguing puzzle piece of the enigma that made up Asher Davis. He shot Ash a strange look. “I don’t understand you at all.”

  Now it was Ash’s turn to flush red. “Esther invited me to come whenever I wanted.” A defensive note crept into his voice. “I bring her cookies.”

  By this time, they’d reached the kitchen and Drew saw he was right. The back door was open, as was the window overlooking the garden blooming with roses, azaleas and rhododendrons. One of her favorite radio talk shows played in the background, and a comforting smell of fried onions, garlic, and potatoes perfumed the air.

  “Nana.” At the sound of his voice, she turned, a smile breaking out across her lined face. He took her in his arms and hugged her. Please God, he thought to himself, don’t let anything happen to her for a long, long time.

  “Hello, sweetheart.” She gave him a kiss on his cheek, and the old-fashioned scent of rose water she always wore reassured him for some reason. All was right in the world as long as his grandmother was around.

  “And you brought one of my other favorite boys. Come give me a kiss too, Asher.”

  “Hello, Esther. You still won’t call me Ash, will you?” Ash dipped his head to kiss her cheek, then picked up her hand and kissed it as well.

  “I like the name Asher. It’s a fine, strong name you should be proud of. Did you know it is a Hebrew name, meaning happy or blessing? I think you should remember that, dear.” She patted him on his arm, and Drew studied the incongruous couple as he unpacked the bags.

  Never in this lifetime would he have predicted a man like Ash Davis would willingly spend time with his elderly grandmother. Then again, he couldn’t imagine why the sight of Ash with his grandmother sent his heart thumping in a peculiar rhythm. “Is anyone else coming, Nana?” He noticed quite a bit of food in the refrigerator when he put his purchases inside.

  “Well, the other boys said they might stop by, and Rachel always comes to check on me, even though she says it’s to say hello. You can pick up some Chinese food for dinner; those are merely snacks to tide you all over.” Hands planted on her hips, she fixed him with a pretend glare, her blue eyes kindled like a gas flame. “You two don’t fool me, you know. I see right through everything.”

  “We love you and want to make sure you’re okay.” Drew popped a mozzarella ball into his mouth. “I don’t see anything wrong with that.” He opened the box of crackers and sat at the table. “Do you, Ash?”

  Sitting at the table, his chin propped in his hands, Ash stared out of the window to the backyard garden. “I think it would be nice to have people who care enough about you to want to make sure you’re safe, but I’m not the person to ask.”

  Nana threw Drew a sharp look to which he could only shrug his shoulders. With a determined look on her face, she walked over to Ash, and hesitated only a moment before putting her hand on his arm and speaking so softly Drew had to strain his ears to hear.

  “Asher, darling. What’s the matter? You look so sad today. Do you want to talk to me about it?” Her hand remained on his arm.

  Drew could’ve told her not to waste her time or breath, that a man like Ash would never reveal himself to her. He turned his attention back to the cheese and reached for a bottle of Malbec.

  “You know, Esther. I think I might like that very much.”

  So of all the people in Ash’s life, his best friend Peter, Peter’s wife, Drew, anyone, Asher Davis chose to unburden himself to his grandmother. Fucking unbelievable.

  Chapter Eleven

  The cozy living room where Esther brought him to sit and talk had that warm, lived-in feeling. Ash imagined her husband coming home after a long day of work to put his feet up on the overstuffed ottoman and settle into his club chair with a drink and the newspaper.

  That actually sounded like a perfect ending to anyone’s day, now that Ash thought about it. He waited until Esther sat in her favorite chair; then he brought her a white wine before settling into a club chair next to her with an iced vodka. He chose not to put his feet up on the ottoman.

  Esther surprised him by talking first. “The Chinese place I sent Drew to pick up dinner from takes a while, so we can have a nice long chat.”

  It was impossible to be in this woman’s company and not smile. “I see. And why do you think I couldn’t speak freely with Drew around?”

  “Because you’ve developed feelings for him.”

  He choked on his drink, then wiped his mouth and set the glass on a small table nearby. “Esther, I can’t imagine why you’d say something so ridiculous but—”

  “Deny it to my face.” Her bright blue eyes challenged him.

  He opened his mouth, then shut it. Then opened it again. “I’m not in love with Drew.” Even to his ears, his muttered denial sounded weak at best.

  “I didn’t say you were in love with him.” Her eyes dimmed. “Asher, dear, I know life has not been easy for you, am I right?”

  He jerked a small nod, his gaze darting between the floor and her gentle face.

  “The first thing you have to learn is to love yourself and believe you’re worthy to receive love. Only then can you have a healthy relationship wi
th another person.”

  At that he barked out a harsh laugh. “Love, love, love. All this talk of love. You say I’m in love with Drew, that I have to love myself. I’m sorry, Esther, but I gave up on love, Santa, and the Easter Bunny when I was a young boy.” He rubbed his arms to quell his inner turmoil. “None of them ever appeared in my house when I was growing up.”

  “Someone hurt you, didn’t they?” Those gentle knowing eyes held his and he couldn’t look away. “I’ll never repeat what you’ve told me, but after all these years it might feel good to get it off your chest.”

  Never had he been this vulnerable, not since Mr. Frank had taken him in. But Esther had those same wise eyes. Eyes that looked as though they’d seen things too. Things she could never forget.

  Ash needed several deep breaths of restorative air, before he answered her. “I was only a child, but I was made to do and see things that no one should have to endure.” Without him realizing it, she took his hand. “I can’t speak about it. I want to, but seeing these kids now, helping them brings it all back into full focus.” He held onto her surprisingly warm, firm grip like a lifeline.

  “I haven’t been sleeping well, and today one of the kids got to me in a way that hasn’t happened in a long time. Drew found me, and it…well, let’s say it wasn’t my finest moment.”

  Esther said nothing, merely giving his hand a squeeze of support every now and then.

  “I shouldn’t be telling you this, should I? That when Drew found me it…” He gulped nervously, embarrassed to continue, but what the hell? He’d come this far already; he might as well complete his humiliation. “…it felt so good to let go. For the first time in my life I wanted—” He dropped Esther’s hand, turning his face away from hers. “I’m so sick of life. It’s too much sometimes.”

  “I know, dear boy—”

  “I’m sorry, Esther, but you don’t know. You don’t know the deep dark hell some people go through every day of their lives. Their despair over a life so hopeless they wonder why they bother to get up in the morning.” He faced her, his eyes streaming. “You can’t understand.”

  She sat silent for a while, her face turned toward the window. “How little you young people know about what my generation has seen. Or maybe you do know but choose to forget.” Ash stared in silence as she pushed up the sleeve of her sweater to reveal the numbers tattooed on her arm.

  His throat seized, and he lost the ability to speak. Not Esther, not this sweet, loving woman. How had she managed to make it out alive?

  “Man’s inhumanity to man, they said.” Her voice quivered slightly. “I saw it all. I won’t burden you with my own tales of horror.” Esther faced him, her eyes bright with tears. “But I know about despair. I know about fear.” Once again she grasped his hand. “But one thing I never gave up was hope. When you give up hope, then you are truly lost. Never give up hope, darling Asher. Never.”

  “What I hope for, Esther, is either long gone or will never come to pass. I have one hope now and that’s to find my foster brothers.” A brush of his forearm over the wetness of his eyes cleared his vision in more ways than one. “And I’m sure you want Drew to marry a nice woman, settle down, and have babies.”

  Simply saying those words hurt his heart. Never in his life had he been more confused. This wasn’t him. His only goal was to seek out pleasure, whenever and wherever he could find it. To fuck and be fucked. Emotions and personal involvement—none of it ever entered his plans, but somewhere along the way, he’d gone off course, now with disastrous results.

  Through the open window he heard a car door slam and Drew’s voice, along with his sister’s and his other friends’, drifted into the house. He jumped to his feet, afraid of being caught and drew in a shuddering breath.

  “Drew’s back. I don’t want him to see me like this, and I appreciate your willingness to keep our conversation private.”

  “You have my word. But know one thing.” She stopped his departure from the room by the tone of her voice. “The only thing I want for my grandchildren is for them to be happy. They’ve had enough tragedy in their lives. However and whomever they choose to love and spend the rest of their lives with is up to them.” She walked out and left him standing in shock.

  Drew thrust one of the bags of Chinese takeout into Jordan’s hands. “Here, make yourself useful and take this.”

  “Chill out, man. What’s crawled up your ass?” Jordan hefted the bag and passed it to Mike. He reached for one of the others in Drew’s hand. “Here. Give me another one.”

  Rachel pulled up in her car and beeped her horn. “Hey, guys.” She slammed the car door shut and ran over to give Drew a kiss. “How’s it going, D, Jordy?” She turned with a wide smile to Mike, who scowled at her. “What’s the matter with you?”

  “You didn’t lock the car, did you? Didn’t I warn you last night—”

  “Last night?” The bottom dropped out of Drew’s stomach. “How did you…wait. You mean you two…” His gaze ricocheted between his best friend and his sister, who wouldn’t meet his eye but blushed bright red. Furious, he dropped the bag of food and grabbed Mike’s arm. “You’re sneaking around behind my back with my sister? What the fuck, Levin? You couldn’t come and tell me?”

  Rachel pulled at his arm. “Stop it, Drew and listen to me. Mike wanted to tell you, but I said no. Not yet. We weren’t sneaking around; it sort of happened. Can’t you understand that?” She pressed against Mike’s chest, and Drew’s jaw tightened watching his friend draw her close in a possessive hold. “Haven’t you ever been unexpectedly attracted to someone before and needed some time to figure it out?”

  “What’s going on out here?”

  At his grandmother’s voice, his gaze jerked to the front door of the house. She stood on the steps, peering over at them, Ash by her side, a frown twisting his lips.

  “Everyone come inside, now.”

  Obeying Esther’s command, they traipsed into the house and stood in the kitchen as Esther, with Ash standing next to her, grim and resolute as a granite-faced sphinx, flayed them with her tongue as if they were children, not grown men over thirty.

  “What is the meaning of arguing in the street like common hoodlums? If you have a disagreement, you come inside and discuss it like civilized people.” Her gaze shifted to Drew, and he swallowed hard, uncomfortable at being the first under her sharp regard.

  “I gather she told you about her and Michael.”

  Stunned, he lost the power of speech momentarily. “She…she told you?” He raked his sister with an accusing glare, watching her wilt against Mike, who slid his arm around her waist. “I thought we were closer than that.”

  “Oh no, don’t try and make her feel guilty.” Her voice cut through him like a whip. “There are some things women talk about with each other first, before we discuss them with men. Do you know Rachel’s main concern was how you would react? It wasn’t the happiness of being in love. It was about you.”

  He shoved his hands into his jeans pockets and kicked the toe of his sneaker back and forth across the kitchen floor. This was the last thing he’d ever expected. Mike? Fun-loving, hard-partying Mike? With his little sister? From the corner of his eye he could see the tenderness with which his friend held Rachel, soothing her as she buried her face in his shoulder. His gaze then rested on Ash, who also concentrated on Mike and Rachel, an uncertain expression in his eye.

  But his grandmother wasn’t finished. “You’re angry at your sister for falling in love? This isn’t a stranger; it’s your friend. A man who’s like a brother to you. Rachel was so worried about your reaction she told me not to say anything and of course I wouldn’t. Because it’s for her to tell you, when the time was right. I didn’t like you being kept in the dark, but couldn’t imagine you not being happy for her.”

  The full force of her blazing blue eyes turned back on him. It didn’t matter that he was her only grandson; she would never let him get away with what she perceived as a wrong.

  �
�No one has the right to tell anyone who they should or shouldn’t love. Maybe one day you’ll fall in love again, and the person won’t be someone we would’ve expected.” When she slipped her arm inside the crook of his elbow, only then could he tell by the shaking of her slight frame how emotionally overwrought his grandmother was. “Think about this. Are you angry with her because it’s Michael, or because she didn’t tell you?”

  “I’m sorry. Don’t get so upset.”

  “Don’t treat me like a china doll. I’m more aware of what goes on in this world than you think.” With her free hand she beckoned Rachel to come stand by her. Mike rubbed her shoulders and whispered in her ear. Rachel nodded and came over to them. “Sweetheart, tell your brother how you feel.” His grandmother withdrew her arm from his and shooed out Jordan and Ash. “Come, boys. Let’s leave them alone now.”

  Ash leaned over and kissed Nana’s cheek. “Actually, Esther, I’m going to head out. I have a case I need to prepare for.” Without waiting for a reply he walked out; Drew heard the front door open then bang shut.

  Shocked over Ash’s precipitous leave-taking, Drew nevertheless concentrated his full attention where it belonged. On Rachel and Mike. “So. How long have you two, you know…?” Shrugging, he couldn’t go on. What was he supposed to ask—how long his sister and best friend had been sleeping together? Um. No, thank you.

  “Look, Rach, forget it. Nana’s right. It’s none of my business. I wish you could’ve told me sooner. But I understand why you thought I might freak out.” Their gazes caught, and they both burst into laughter at the same time. “I love you. If you want to be with Mike, it’s fine, but God only knows why when there are so many better men in the city.”

  Mike snorted.

  “Hey.” Rachel hugged him tight. “Thank you.”

  “Love you.”

  “Love you too.”

  Now to deal with his friend. “Levin, come here.” He folded his arms across his chest, glowering at Mike, who gave back as good as he got. For the first time, Drew looked at Mike as someone who might be his brother one day. Tall, brawny and blond, Mike Levin had never lacked for female companionship, despite the loss of almost all the hearing in his left ear. Now that Drew thought about it, recently Mike had been quieter, more settled than he’d ever been in the past.