A Walk Through Fire

by Felice Stevens

  When they were face-to-face, Drew poked him in the chest. “If you ever hurt her, I’ll kill you.”

  “If I ever hurt her, I’ll let you do it. But I won’t, D.” He threw a loving glance at Rachel. “I never saw it coming, but she’s the best thing that ever happened to me.”

  And that was that. Nothing else mattered, did it? Anyone with half a brain could see the chemistry between Mike and Rachel now that he was aware of it. The man couldn’t take his eyes off her. That’s the way it should be, and it once again reminded Drew of his own failure of a marriage and lack of a love life.

  “Well, all right, man. Be good to her.”

  “Promise.”

  The three of them hugged, but it was Mike she stayed with now, her face glowing and Mike’s arm remaining in a possessive hold over her. Drew heard a sniffle and glanced over his shoulder. Nana stood in the doorway, wiped her eyes and smiled.

  “I’m glad that’s settled. Drew, will you help me heat up the food, please?” With neat, precise movements she put on her apron and pulled out the plates they would eat the Chinese food on. “Why don’t the rest of you go outside and enjoy the nice weather?” After shooting each other quizzical looks, Jordan, Mike, and Rachel headed out to the backyard.

  Obviously, his grandmother had something on her mind she wanted to speak to him about. He took out multiple boxes of food and set them on the counter. “Can I ask you something, Nana?”

  Her hands stilled on the door of the microwave. “You aren’t still angry about Rachel and Michael, are you?”

  “What? No of course not.” He shook his head. “I get it, and I’m fine with it.” Jordan and Mike tossed a football around in the backyard with Rachel in the middle, laughing and screeching at them to let her catch it once. A smile crossed his lips. Maybe it had been inevitable that Mike and Rachel would fall in love.

  And as usual, he was the odd man out. Jordan had Keith, and now Mike had Rachel. Not that Drew missed Jackie at all. What he missed was someone to wake up with, to hold and hold him.

  He hated being alone. Even as a child, he’d beg to go wherever his parents went, even if it was only to the supermarket. It was part of the reason he’d gotten the cat after his marriage broke up. As he saw it, his fear of being alone caused all the problems in his life. But as much as he loved Domino, it wasn’t the same as having someone to share his bed and his body with.

  “What happened with Ash when I went to get the food? Everything was fine until you said you wanted to talk. The next thing I know, he hightailed it out of here as fast as he could.”

  For the first time his grandmother looked disconcerted. “We spoke, and I told him of my past, in the camps.” A tear rolled down her face, and in an instant, he went to her, holding her close. “That poor boy has seen so much pain in his life. I never knew his troubles ran so deep.”

  A current of unease ran through him. “What are you talking about?”

  She tipped her head back to look into his eyes. “You mean you and he have never talked?” Her voice rang with surprise. “I thought you were very close.”

  He spoke sharper than usual. “What does that mean? Very close?” Jesus, he’d never acted this rudely to his grandmother before. Biting back another harsh retort, he managed to control his temper. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you. Why would I be close with him? You don’t know him very well, Nana, but he isn’t a nice person. He sleeps around, he has few friends, and he doesn’t really care about anybody except himself. There’s a reason he’s alone. He likes it that way.”

  But even as he spoke, Drew recalled those unguarded moments when he’d seen Ash in a different light. The time he’d bolted from the table at the restaurant, wild-eyed and sweating. And today, when Drew had held a trembling Ash in his arms. The ugly past Ash tried so hard to silence and bury beneath an arrogant, uncaring façade lay too close to the surface for him to hide forever. Drew’s conscience pricked at him, as if to chide him for his own mean-spiritedness.

  He wished this conversation had never happened and hoped it had come to an end, but he should’ve known better. Only once before had he seen his grandmother this angry. At the trial for his parents’ case against the trucking company, the defense attorney had alluded that maybe Drew’s father had been drinking himself. It was a sight to remember, but his grandmother had gathered her shattered emotions and instead, at trial, made an impassioned victims’ speech to the judge and jury that left everyone in the court in tears.

  Now, here in her kitchen, was the second time. “You should be ashamed of yourself. I’m ashamed for you and surprised. You’re basing your beliefs on what others have told you.”

  Knowing it wasn’t possible for him to tell his grandmother of Ash’s sexual escapades, he remained resolute in his opinion. “Look, I know you have a soft spot for him, and I like him well enough, but he’s a loner, Nana. Yes, he’s charming and handsome, but he isn’t someone you can get through to.” Even as he spoke the words, regret filled his heart. He’d thought Ash could, somehow, meld into his family dynamic as another friend. Sure, their strange sexual attraction unsettled him, but Drew could’ve dealt with it until he started dating again.

  “Believe me, no one likes to be alone. That boy needs people around him. Trust me, I know. He’s crying out for help, and I’m afraid if one of us doesn’t take him in hand, something terrible might happen to him.” The worry in her eyes unnerved him, as she was never one for histrionics. Rachel must have at long last caught the ball as her shrieking and Mike and Jordan’s teasing from outside had stopped.

  “Did he talk to you?” For Ash to confide in his grandmother would be nothing less than shocking.

  “No, not much. He locked himself up tight as a clam and refused to say a word. But I see beneath the smile that never reaches his eyes.” With a fierceness he didn’t know she possessed, Nana grabbed his arm. “I’m worried after our talk he might do something bad to himself. You think I’m too old that I don’t understand the ways of the world. I know he’s a homosexual, gay. Why should that matter to me? But something’s not right with him. He’s a very depressed man. Promise me after dinner you’ll go check on him. For me?”

  Although there was nothing less he’d rather do than play babysitter to Asher Davis, he agreed, because he’d do anything for his grandmother. All throughout dinner, he allowed everyone to think his silence was still the result of his surprise over Rachel and Mike’s relationship. The pleasant dinnertime chatter washed over him, and he made sure to nod at all the right times to keep them from thinking he wasn’t paying attention to what they were saying.

  In truth, he could only think about Ash.

  Chapter Twelve

  It was the usual bitch of traffic on the F.D.R. Drive to Ash’s apartment on the Upper East Side. Going home after leaving his grandmother’s house and getting his car to drive into the city gave Drew time to think. He’d already made peace with his sister and Mike and let them know he was happy for them. Someone ought to be happy in his family, and since his life was nothing more than work and coming home to collapse in front of a ball game on TV, he wished Rachel the happiness she deserved.

  With the radio playing classic rock, and no end to the headlights in front of him in the foreseeable future, he allowed his mind to drift to Ash. Whatever Ash and his grandmother had spoken about affected him, which both surprised and confused Drew. In the brief time they’d spent together, Drew had learned that sharing emotions and personal entanglements wasn’t part of Ash’s makeup. Drew remembered that Peter, supposedly Ash’s best friend, knew only slightly more about the man than Drew did.

  Drew got off at the exit nearest to 72nd St. and made his way to Park Avenue. Ash’s apartment was located on 86th St. and Park Avenue, and thankfully there was a parking garage down the block. He told the valet he’d be several hours and handed him the keys in exchange for his ticket. It came as a shock that Ash lived in one of the premier addresses in the city. How the hell did he afford a place like t
his? These old, prewar apartments ran in the millions of dollars.

  An elaborately uniformed doorman greeted him at the front of the apartment building, and Drew entered the beautiful formal lobby decorated with inlaid marble floors and soaring columns. Various sofas and delicate gilt chairs grouped around an indoor arrangement of plants and flowers. A magnificent crystal chandelier hung over the concierge desk, with smaller, yet still-elegant lighting fixtures leading down the hallway to where Drew presumed the elevators were located. His entire apartment could fit into this lobby.

  Both he and Rachel had received payment from his parents’ life insurance policies as well as a large, multimillion-dollar settlement from the trucking company, but Drew had invested most of his capital and lived frugally. He didn’t need a lot and preferred to spend his money on supporting his favorite charities. This type of luxury was beyond his comprehension, yet somehow, it didn’t surprise him to find Ash living here. The man was an enigma and had been since the day they’d met. The fact that he’d been a scholarship student and now lived in a multimillion-dollar neighborhood only added to his mystique.

  Drew approached the concierge desk—a beautiful slab of granite surrounded by gleaming mahogany. The young man wearing a dark uniform with more discreet gold braiding than the doorman, looked up with a practiced smile. “Good evening, sir. How may I help you?”

  Funny, though he might be a successful doctor, Drew felt underdressed and woefully out of place. “Uh, I’m here to see Mr. Davis?” Somehow he hoped he had the wrong address, and he’d find out Ash really lived in a small, cramped apartment like himself.

  “Yes, sir. Who may I say is calling?” The young man had the house phone in his hand, an expectant look on his face.

  “Um. Tell him it’s Drew.”

  Although it was late, after eleven o’clock, people still came and went with regularity through the gilded front doors. The men and women passing by him dressed for the evening in clothing that screamed luxury. Their jewelry winked glints of diamonds and who knew what other treasures. Drew didn’t know much about high fashion, but living with Jackie for the short time they were married had opened his eyes to how expensive a woman’s wardrobe was to put together. With a rueful look, he glanced down at his sneakers, faded jeans, and T-shirt. Perhaps he went too far on the other extreme, but he valued comfort over trend. Maybe Ash dressed so formally to keep up the image he felt he needed to project living here. He’d never seen the man in anything other than a long-sleeved button-down shirt and dress pants, never jeans.

  His fashion contemplation was cut short by the young man at the desk. “You can go up, sir. The elevators are down the hallway to your left. Mr. Davis is in apartment 19C.”

  After thanking the man, Drew followed his reflection along the mirrored walls of the hallway. He laughed to himself as two women sidled away from him when he stepped inside the elevator, choosing instead to stand by the elevator operator. He wanted to take out his business card and say, See, look. I’m really a doctor. Don’t worry.

  They reached the nineteenth floor without incident, and after thanking the young man operating the elevator, he exited into a hushed hallway. Ivory wallpaper inlaid with gold thread covered the walls and the highly polished dark wood floors made no sound beneath his rubber-soled sneakers. Each apartment had a lighted button next to it, with gold apartment letters on the doors.

  Nerves buzzing, he pushed the button and heard a soft chime ring within the apartment. After a moment, the door swung open, Ash’s unsmiling face greeting him. The apartment loomed as a void behind him.

  “Uh, hey, Ash. Sorry if I woke you—”

  “You didn’t.”

  The heated intensity in Ash’s crystal-clear eyes unnerved Drew. He so did not want to do this, but he’d promised his grandmother, and he’d never broken a promise to her, so…

  “Can I come in? It won’t take long. I promise.”

  Without speaking, Ash stepped back and opened the door wide. Drew entered the darkened apartment and gaped. Ash had lit candles, placing them on various tables throughout the apartment, but that didn’t hide the grandeur of the overall space. The expansive entranceway disclosed hallways branching off to other unknown parts of the apartment. Directly in front of him, a large picture window showcased the glittering lights of the city at night. The airy living room, from what he could make out in the dim candlelight, boasted a baby grand piano and an ornate mantel over a fireplace.

  “Christ, Ash, this place is amazing.” He glanced over at Ash, who hadn’t said a single word.

  “It was Mr. Frank’s. He left it to me in his will.”

  That made sense. Jacob Frank had been an extremely wealthy man. He must’ve lived here until his death. For reasons no one had figured out, Frank had taken Ash in and groomed him as his successor. Somewhere along the way, the two of them had grown close, close enough for Jacob Frank, childless and with no other family, to leave Ash everything when he died.

  “That was very kind of him. I heard from Peter he was an amazing man.”

  Moving across the entranceway, Ash led him into the living room and waved a careless hand at the sofa. Drew spotted a half-empty bottle of vodka and an ice bucket on the table, a full tumbler next to it. After picking up his drink, Ash sat at the far end of the sofa and spoke. “He was the finest human being I’ve ever met.”

  There was nothing Drew could say to take away Ash’s pain. The dripping wax hit flame as the candles spit and the firelight danced, casting flickering shadows across Ash’s bleak face.

  “Have a drink, Drew, and tell me why you’re here.” Ash sipped his vodka and stared at Drew over the rim of his glass.

  “No, thanks, I’m driving. But I do want to talk to you.” The man was a study in contrasts. Drew couldn’t think of a time he hadn’t seen Ash perfectly dressed, every hair in place, looking like he’d stepped out of a men’s fashion magazine.

  Tonight, however…well, he looked off-kilter. Though he still had on his clothes from earlier, his white shirt was uncharacteristically wrinkled and unbuttoned lower than he’d ever seen. Dark stubble shadowed along his jaw, and his hair lay unkempt and disheveled. Drew shifted on the sofa. “Look, I know this may sound stupid, but my grandmother was concerned about you, so she asked me to stop by and check up on you.”

  “And of course you do everything your nana says.”

  Drew’s face flamed. “Fuck you, Davis.”

  A tiny smirk hit the corner of Ash’s lips and he set his drink down. “What’s the matter, Doc? The truth hurts?”

  The bastard. After all the nice things his grandmother had said about him, how she’d worried about him, this was his response? To act like the snide sarcastic son of a bitch he’d been at their first meeting? How dare he treat her concern as if it were nothing. And to think he’d actually thought they were friends. “What the hell do you know about the truth, huh? No one knows anything about you; you have no friends, no lover.” He stood, ready to leave. “No wonder you’re all alone. No one cares about you. You aren’t worth it.” Even as he spoke, Drew regretted his harsh words—he’d never spoken so cruelly to anyone. But no one had ever gotten under his skin like Ash Davis.

  Like a snake uncoiled, Ash jumped off the sofa and grabbed him by the shoulder. “Take that back.”

  “What’s the matter, Davis? The truth hurts?” He mimicked Ash’s earlier words and watched the anger flare in those colorless, glittering eyes.

  “You fucking bastard. Who are you to say I’m not worth it, that no one cares about me? I have friends. People like me. Don’t you ever say I’m not worth it. I matter, goddamn you. I fucking matter.”

  Ash tried to grab on to him, but Drew wrenched away and took off for the door, speaking over his shoulder.

  “People don’t like you, Ash; they want to fuck you because you’re beautiful. That’s not liking. That’s not a friendship. How many relationships have you ever had with another man? You’ve never even had a boyfriend or a permanent relations
hip, have you? Because you have to have a heart. You have to care about someone. How can you value someone else in your life when you don’t even value yourself?”

  Ash grabbed him. “Don’t think you can say that and then fucking walk away from me.” He shoved Drew against the wall. “Who the hell do you think you are?”

  Ash’s hand tightened on his bicep. It hurt, and Drew pulled away. He didn’t get into physical fights with people; violence never solved any problem. “I thought I was your friend. But now I see I’m not. You don’t know how to be a true friend. You run at the first sign of closeness and make fun of relationships. Relationships require effort, a give-and-take. You don’t know how to give because you’re always the taker.” His breath came out heavy and uneven.

  Ash slammed him back into the wall. For the first time, unease rippled through Drew as Ash’s hard body pressed against his. Unease and something dark and sinuous uncoiled in his stomach, but he ignored it and tried to wriggle out of Ash’s unrelenting grip.

  “Let go of me. I want to leave.”

  Instead of moving away, Ash pushed harder against him. There was no mistaking that thick ridge between the two of them. Drew’s heart raced until he could barely hear Ash through the pounding in his head.

  “You said people don’t like me; they only want to fuck me. Then you said I’m a taker.” Before Drew could breathe, Ash grabbed his hands and pinned them above his head, forcing their bodies to press against one another. “But you need to know, Doc, that nobody fucks me. So tell me. You want me to take you?”

  Drew thought he might faint when Ash’s lips touched his temple, his warm breath drifting past Drew’s ear. A surge of lust lurched through him as his nighttime fantasy unfolded into reality, there for him to experience if he wanted.