A Walk Through Fire

by Felice Stevens

  In the yawning silence from the other end of the phone, Ash’s heart throbbed in a gruesome concert with the throbbing in his cut arm.

  “Is that why you do it? Hurt yourself.”

  The man should’ve been a psychiatrist, not a plastic surgeon. Ash blew out a harried breath. “Drew, like I said before. You’re good, and I’m not. I’m bad, and if you get too close, bad things will happen to you. I should’ve stayed away from you, and from now on I will.” He looked at the clock. It was now almost six thirty in the morning. The room had lightened around him, and the angry honking of the cars on Park Avenue filtered even up to his floor. “I have to get ready for work. I’ll see you at the clinic.”

  “But, Ash—”

  “Bye, Drew.” He set the handset down on the bed and rolled over, still hugging the pillow, staring at nothing for a very long time.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Weeks passed since that night they’d talked, and Ash continued to avoid him. No matter when he showed up at the clinic, if Ash was there, he was either meeting with kids or managed to slip away before Drew could catch him to sit and talk. The one time Drew had swallowed his nerve and gone back to Ash’s high-end apartment building, he was informed by the concierge that “Mr. Davis isn’t home for visitors.”

  There was no denying how good Ash was with the kids, especially the ones who came in leery of the clinic’s good intentions, and disbelieving that anyone could help them. They’d meet with Ash, and something inexplicable resonated between them, validating all their hard work. Speaking with Ash allowed them to see someone who’d made it and gave them hope they too could escape and become a success.

  Everything he’d ever dreamed could be accomplished in his life was happening.

  Rachel submitted her doctoral thesis, and she and Mike were stronger than ever. Jordan and Keith were in the midst of planning a wedding in the not too distant future, as Keith had proposed to him over the summer. As usual, Drew was the one left alone.

  He finished his chart on the last girl, who’d shown up with a facial laceration she said she received from banging into the door when she woke up in the middle of the night. To Drew, the mark looked like the cut from the sharp edge of a ring, as if she’d been slapped and it cut her face. Though she vehemently denied it, she wouldn’t let them call her mother, coming instead with her older brother who stood to the side, his jaw clenched and hands fisted.

  Drew recognized that pugnacious look. The young man was spoiling for a fight, and Drew had no doubt he would go home and want to beat the crap out of whomever he thought had done this to his sixteen-year-old sister. He’d had Rachel talk to the two of them, she later told him she’d given them the number of someone who would talk to them free of charge about family abuse.

  He threw down his pen and took off his glasses to rub his tired eyes. As it so often did when his mind wandered, he found himself thinking back all those weeks ago to that one amazing, intense night with Ash. Nothing could have prepared him for the feel of Ash’s mouth on his cock. No blowjob he’d ever gotten from a woman had even come close to the blinding, white-hot desire that had flamed through him. The mere thought of it set his cock twitching, swelling with an insistent need he’d neglected for far too long.

  He should start dating again. Once he found a woman and started having sex on a regular basis, the strange fascination with Ash would fade. As a matter of fact…Drew opened the laptop on his desk, put on his glasses, and logged on to that dating website he’d registered with several months ago but had never used. Again, as he remembered, page after page of young women appeared, but this time he looked carefully at their profiles, making a list of the women he thought might be compatible with his lifestyle.

  After about forty-five minutes, he had seven names. He e-mailed each one to see if they wanted to meet for coffee. First, he needed a cup for himself right now and a little snack. Mug in hand, he wandered over to the kitchen, brewed a cup of hazelnut, and stuck his head in the refrigerator to see what was there for the taking.

  He’d grabbed a meatball sandwich when he heard Ash’s voice. His heartbeat quickened, as this was the first time since they’d parted on such bad terms that the two of them had been together, alone, in the office. Then another younger voice spoke, and Drew recognized it as Stevie, the boy Ash so desperately tried to help. The sandwich forgotten, he walked over to Ash’s office.

  When he approached the open door, he saw Ash, elbows on his desk, sleeves unbuttoned and shirt collar undone at the throat, looking tired, rumpled, and upset. Stevie sat hunched forward in his chair, his hands over his face.

  “Anything wrong? Can I help?” Drew’s main concern was Stevie. Ash had filled him in from the beginning on the boy’s miserable bullying. “Are you hurt, Stevie?” Drew strode into the room and dropped to his knees by the boy’s chair. He put his hand on Stevie’s arm, and his heart skipped seeing how even that slight, nonthreatening action caused the boy to flinch.

  “Stevie?” Ash spoke in a quiet, affectionate tone Drew hadn’t heard before. “You can talk to Dr. Drew.”

  When Drew glanced up, he caught a glimpse of the pain in Ash’s eyes before they shuttered, turning flat and blank. When the boy didn’t answer, Ash continued to press him. “Would you want me to talk to him for you?”

  At Stevie’s tentative nod, a breath Drew wasn’t even aware of holding escaped him. He stood, as did Ash, and they left the room to stand in the hallway together.

  It was the closest he’d been to Ash in almost a month. Dark smudges beneath his tired eyes coupled with an overall exhausted appearance evidenced Ash’s internal suffering, yet those glittering eyes still had the capacity to render Drew breathless.

  This admiration of Ash didn’t help Stevie, though, which was why they were here in the first place. “Uh, so what’s going on? You two seemed very intense in there.”

  Ash raked his hand through the tangles in his hair, and his shirtsleeve fell to his elbow, revealing a fresh new bandage. Drew’s breath caught in his throat; it sickened him to think of Ash continuing to abuse his body.

  “Damn it, why?”

  “We’re here to talk about Stevie, not me, correct?” Ash’s clipped tone screamed, Hands off, stay away, don’t ask questions.

  Drew was never one for following directions.

  “You’re still doing it, aren’t you? I’m begging you to get some help, before it’s too late.” In an instinctive, comforting gesture, Drew reached out, but Ash pulled away from his touch.

  “So you don’t want to help Stevie; is that what you’re saying?” Good deflection by Ash. First point to him.

  “Of course I do. What’s going on?” Drew tried to smile but failed. For weeks now, he’d been frozen with unhappiness.

  “Jordan saw him today. Severe bruising around his ribs, as well as a sprained wrist. Nothing permanent, but I’m trying to talk him into allowing Jordan to have Keith arrest the two other young men.”

  “He won’t cooperate, will he?” Drew already knew the answer.

  “Nope.” Ash shook his head in disgust. “He’s still too afraid. I’ve had child services over to the house, but they find nothing wrong and no one’s reported any problems. The parents aren’t the problem. It’s those two kids in the neighborhood who torment him on an almost daily basis. And Stevie’s scared to death of them. Maybe Keith could pay an unofficial visit and scare the shit out of them.”

  Drew thought for a moment. “It might work. Bullies tend to back off if they feel their secret is out. Want me to try to talk to him?”

  Ash blew out a breath of exasperation. “You can try, but he’s so fucking afraid, he’s a heartbeat from running away.” He rested against the wall with a sigh, his eyes closed.

  “Hey.” Drew took a step forward, close enough to see the trembling of Ash’s eyelashes against his cheeks. At his voice, the long black lashes fluttered open, revealing those odd, translucent eyes that picked up every color, like the reflection of diamonds. “Please talk to
me. I know you’ve been avoiding me.”

  Drew caught a scent of Ash’s light cologne and body heat. Without thinking, he took another step closer, never taking his eyes from Ash. Drew’s gaze fell to the other man’s lips. Soft breaths fanned his face; he could feel the imprint of Ash’s mouth on his.

  Hot, firm, and wanting.

  I must be insane.

  “I come here to help. That’s the only reason I’m here.” Ash licked his lips. “I do it for Stevie and the others.”

  They stood close enough to share the same air, yet the yawning emotional distance between them was as great as the first day they’d met. Impenetrable, for Ash had gone cold and still. Drew thought back to his grandmother and how she sensed the truth of what lay inside Ash. Not the chilly, confident lawyer, quick on his feet with a smirk or a snide remark. Instead, as always, she saw straight to the heart. To the inner truth of what lay deep within the person. From the start, she’d sensed Ash’s innate decency, no matter how he walled it off from the rest of the world.

  And because of that, Drew held on to Ash as both a friend and a man he believed in. He couldn’t, wouldn’t press Ash now. There would be time enough for that, when they were truly alone and able to lay their feelings bare to the blood and bone. Whether it led to something more intimate wasn’t the point. The terrible loneliness Ash endured each day was no stranger to Drew. As his own family and friends paired off to begin new lives and build their own worlds, Drew remained cocooned like a caterpillar in his chrysalis.

  His tentative flutters to break free resulted from a need to connect with another human being. To give and receive a touch against warm flesh. Drew thought back to the women he’d arranged coffee dates with not even an hour ago, and forced himself to feel excited at the prospect of meeting new people and a possible fresh start to his life. It didn’t help that the person he most wanted to spend his time with stood in front of him with a heart as impermeable as a granite-faced mountainside.

  He stepped back now, relinquishing the space to Ash. The tension broke between them. “I’d like to still talk to Stevie. Maybe if he could meet Keith with Jordan and me there, he’d feel less scared.”

  Ash shrugged. “I guess it’s worth a shot.”

  Drew nodded; his gaze now instinctively drawn to Ash’s arms. When he looked up again, the cool indifference on Ash’s face hit him like a physical slap. Would he ever figure out this man? As he moved past Ash into the office, he couldn’t help but murmur, “What you started that night isn’t over between us.”

  A harsh hand came down on his shoulder. When Drew turned his head, he scarcely recognized Ash and the bitter smile distorting his face. “It is, because I said it is.”

  Drew pulled away and put aside his anger at Ash’s stubbornness. He chose instead to focus on the immediate problem at hand, Stevie. The boy sat back in his chair, his long hair tucked behind his ears, exposing the pale white curve of his throat, a faded bruise running down its length.

  “Hey, Stevie, how’s it going?” Drew kept his voice light and easygoing, hoping not to startle the youth.

  Stevie opened his eyes and gave a tentative smile. “Hi, Dr. Drew. I’m okay. Really. Ash is making a big deal out of nothin’. Honest.”

  Ash made a move as if he was going to speak, but Drew put up a hand, forestalling him. “I’m glad to hear you’re feeling better, but I want to talk to you for a few minutes, okay?”

  Stevie’s brown eyes turned dark and wary. “Um, well, I guess, but—”

  “I know the whole story, so you don’t have to worry about hiding stuff from me. You know Dr. Jordan’s partner, Keith, is a police detective, right?”

  Stevie swallowed and nodded, eyes huge in his pale face.

  “Well, what would you say if we all had a talk, you, me, Dr. Jordan, and Keith? You could maybe let Keith know, and he could help somehow.”

  Stevie bolted upright in the chair. “No. I can’t. They’d kill me if I ever went to the cops. They told me.”

  “Calm down, kiddo. You know bullies say that to frighten people they think are weaker than them.” Drew knelt next to Stevie’s chair. “You’re stronger because you came here to try and find a way out, and we are going to help you. I think once they see you’re serious, they’ll back off and stop hurting you.”

  Stevie’s wide-eyed gaze searched his face. “Do you really think so?” He turned his head to the doorway, where Ash still stood. “Do you think so too, Ash?”

  The reply was immediate. “Yes, I do.”

  Drew exhaled. At least Ash didn’t allow his personal feelings to overrule what he knew was best for Stevie. After hearing of the beatings the boy endured, Drew knew it might only be a matter of time before those bastards would take it a step too far.

  Stevie’s face screwed up as if he was in physical pain. Drew noticed him rubbing his side, obviously in discomfort from his bruised ribs. “Hey, buddy, how about right now? You call your foster mom and tell her you’re at a school thing, and we can all go to my house and you can talk to Keith. Right, Ash?” He knew enlisting Ash’s help was the key to Stevie’s participation.

  “Yes. I’ll be right here with you when you make the call. Will that help?” Ash walked over to Stevie and laid his hand on the boy’s shoulder. Drew watched as a look passed between the two of them. This case went well beyond work for Ash.

  It came to Drew then that Stevie was Ash’s gateway to self-forgiveness. In Stevie, he could right the wrong he thought he’d made by leaving his foster brothers behind.

  Oh, Ash. Forgive yourself already. What happened years ago wasn’t your fault.

  To his great surprise, Stevie picked up the phone and, with Ash’s hand still on his shoulder still, made the call home. White-knuckled, his hands shook as he spoke to his foster mother, who allowed him to stay. The boy hung up the phone and wiped the sweat off his forehead. “She was so happy I was getting involved in school. I feel really bad lying to her.” He clutched at Drew’s knee. “They aren’t gonna get in trouble, right? They don’t know anything. I never told them about what Jimmy and Donny do to me.”

  Drew stood, deliberately not answering him. “Why don’t we grab some food and head on over to my place. I’ll call Jordan and have him and Keith come over. Sound good?”

  “You aren’t answering me.” Stevie’s spurt of defiance surprised Drew. “If you tell the cops and they get in trouble, I swear I’ll lie and say nothing happened and you made the story up. Mr. and Mrs. Harding are really nice to me. Promise you won’t say nothing.”

  “Stevie—”

  “Promise me or I’ll run away, and you’ll never see me again.”

  Ash’s hand fell on Drew’s shoulder and squeezed it. Hard. “We promise, Stevie. But that doesn’t mean we won’t watch out for you and keep our eyes out for any trouble. Right?”

  “It’ll be okay, right, Dr. Drew?” Stevie’s worried eyes held his.

  Like quicksilver, a smile came and went on Drew’s lips. “Of course.”

  Ash dipped his head in acknowledgment as if to concede that Drew won this round.

  They left the office and decided on Chinese takeout, then headed to Drew’s apartment. Not five minutes after they’d arrived, Jordan and Keith showed up. Stevie lay stretched out on the sofa, Domino curled up in his lap.

  Drew dished up Keith’s chicken with broccoli, and Domino jumped off Stevie’s lap to stalk over to Keith, tail held high, yellow eyes wide and bright.

  “Not on your life, big boy. You’re too fat.” Keith stared the cat down.

  The cat’s tail swished back and forth on the floor.

  “Don’t be rude, Keith. He’s a growing boy.” Drew held out a piece of steamed chicken to the cat, who took it in his mouth and left the room, tail once again held high like a triumphant banner.

  The blond, blue-eyed police officer snorted, and Jordan poked him in the ribs. “You’re insulting Drew’s baby.”

  Keith finished chewing, then put his plate on the coffee table and turned his
attention to Stevie. “So from what I’ve been told, there’re these kids in the neighborhood bullying you and they have been for a while, right?”

  Stevie nodded. “Um, kind of.” His voice, little more than a whisper, crackled in the silent room.

  Keith gritted his teeth, the muscle in his jaw flexing beneath his skin. “These boys are assaulting you, Stevie. You can’t let them get away with it.” He left his seat and sat on the floor next to Stevie. “I have to report this to child services, son. But I give you my word, you’ll be safe.”

  Stevie winced as he sat up on the sofa, a cushion propped behind his back. “Dr. Drew promised to leave my parents out of it. ’Cause if you do, I won’t stay around.”

  Before Keith had a chance to answer, Ash spoke. “You can come live with me. I’ll make sure you’re safe.”

  Drew held his breath. Was Ash getting in too deep? It was never a good thing to become so personally involved with your cases, but by the determined set of his jaw, Drew knew no one would be able to talk Ash out of it. Besides, weren’t they all in a little deeper than they should be?

  Keith shook his head. “That won’t work, Ash, but thanks for offering. I have some friends at child services. I’ll talk to the social workers first.” He patted Stevie on his knee. “Don’t worry, buddy. We’re going to do this right so you’ll end up safe, and your parents won’t get in trouble.”

  He returned to sit next to Jordan, who put an arm around him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “Thanks, babe.”

  Drew watched their interaction, not without a twinge of envy. They were so perfect together. As corny as it might sound, Drew had known from the moment he introduced Jordan to Keith that they would fall in love. They complemented each other, no matter that their personalities were so different. Keith tempered Jordan’s type A, perfectionist behavior. Keith never raised his voice, never got mad when Jordan occasionally lapsed into rudeness or made snide comments. A simple raised brow and a, “Really, babe that was uncalled for,” quickly had Jordan issuing an apology for his behavior.