Juniper

by Eva Delaney

  I hurried back into the apartment for my shoes. “I’m going after him. Oscar, Sammy, stay here and keep the windows and door locked. Don’t open them for any reason until I get back.”

  “Why?” Oscar said.

  “The clouds have bad chi tonight. You don’t want to ruin your short time here with depressing energy.” I slipped on my running shoes and marched back to the balcony.

  “Are…are we in danger?” Oscar said, his voice shaking.

  “Of course not. You just can’t walk around town in a robe or ass naked.”

  “Ye ain’t giving me orders,” Samuel said.

  “I do and am because I’m the queen of America.” I slammed the sliding door closed with them on the inside.

  Sammy glanced at Oscar. “It’s not a thing,” Oscar said.

  Ignoring them, I placed my hand on the railing and vaulted over it. The magic flared in my blood. It reached into the world around me as though I was a part of the wind, the night sky, and the ground. It shaped the air itself, making it congeal under me to slow my descent.

  My feet touched the lawn with a light thud, as though I had jumped from a chair.

  “She’s a witch!” Sammy yelled from above.

  “No shit, Longjohn,” I snapped as I broke into a sprint down the sidewalk. “Shakes!”

  He turned to me. His eyes widened behind his mane of wavy, glorious hair and above his neat beard. Our gazes locked. The slight smile on his lips made my stomach flip over like pancakes when Bob showed off in his diner.

  “You only have one day, Shakes. Why waste that time on songs and cookies? What do you actually want to do?”

  “Exactly this.”

  “I don’t need wooing.”

  “Everyone does. Love is built on grand gestures, and I lack the time to give you all the ones you deserve.”

  “You’ll need a bigger boombox,” I lied.

  “The biggest,” he said with a smile. “When you’ve existed as long as I have, a day is but a breath. A breeze that stirs a leaf and is gone. So what if it isn’t packed with all the pleasures ghosts lack? It’s just a moment, after all. But a moment spent on you, a breath spent on shouting love, is worth another four hundred years in a dream.”

  My heart hammered in my ears. I had never heard anyone talk of love in this way, as something brief but worth it anyway. Everyone else demanded everlasting commitment.

  I leaned toward him as though drawn to him like a current. His breath caressed my lips, our noses touched, and I tilted my head to the side.

  “No…no, don’t!” Oscar shouted.

  Chapter 11

  I startled. Oscar, in his robe and a pair of my rain boots that were surely too small for him, raced down the sidewalk. Sammy followed, wearing nothing but his cock flopping against his thighs as he ran.

  Fuck! Why couldn’t they listen and stay where it was safer?

  “He’s married,” Oscar said, his voice dropping to a nervous whisper.

  I gave Shakes a sidelong glance. I had forgotten about that part of English class.

  “I was married once,” Shakespeare said, his eyes dropping to his bare feet. “Sadly, it turned as sour as pop rocks—that’s sour, right?”

  “Sure,” I said.

  “Alas, it turned sour long before either fair Anne or I died. Divorce was not an option in those days unless you were a king, but death makes us all equals. She left me when we were ghosts nearly three hundred and fifty years ago. She found someone better suited for her. I can’t blame her. I was rarely home and rarely generous with my love back then. A true miser of romance. I’ll not make that mistake again.”

  “So, you are single,” I said.

  “Sure thing, daddio cool cat.”

  “But…he, you know,” Oscar said.

  “Wrote Hamlet.”

  “No…well, maybe he did that too.” Oscar’s eyes dropped to his feet, and his voice dropped to a whisper. “He failed at marriage.”

  “Green is not your color,” I said. “With your red hair, it makes you look like a Christmas wreath.”

  Oscar’s shoulders hunched up toward his ears. “Maybe I’ll just go home.”

  I frowned. “You’re local? Your home is gone if you’ve been dead—”

  He flinched. “Don’t say that word. It’s all everyone calls me now. The murder victim, the dead vampire, that dude who bled into the ice cream vat we had to replace…”

  My eyes widened and my mouth fell open. How had I not recognized his name before? He was the vampire some asshole had murdered at the Flying Horse Ice Cream Factory. “Oh, you poor man.” I stepped forward and hugged him. Oscar pressed his palms to the small of my back.

  “You get over it after a couple hundred years,” Sammy said.

  “That’s not helpful.” Oscar broke off our hug. “And why don’t you wear pants?!” His voice actually rose above a whisper.

  “Because this,” Sammy gestured to his naked body, “is more stylish than anything in June’s cabinet.”

  “Why can’t you be normal?” Oscar said.

  A line of confusion appeared between Sammy’s eyes. “Why would ye want that? I ain’t know what normal be these days, and I ain’t care, either.”

  “Naked is normal these days,” I said quickly so Sammy wouldn’t think of dressing. “Sorry, Oscar, but it is.”

  “I’m going home,” Oscar grumbled and trudged down the street. “I hope someone watered my plants. Poor leafy friends.”

  “Awww—” I stopped. At the corner, headlights lit the street as a car stopped at the intersection. I tensed, and my skin shivered. Something felt like the cold barrel of a gun pressed between my shoulder blades. I knew that feeling well.

  Ram, Alyssa, or one of their henchmen was in that car. I could feel it. They could use the men as hostages.

  “Hide,” I ordered the men.

  “Why?” Sammy said.

  “Shift! Now! Before I send you back to the ass end of ghost city.” Not that I could, but they didn’t know that.

  Oscar’s eyes widened, and he shifted. A curved dildo dropped to the grass.

  The car turned the corner, its headlights rolling toward us. Shakes scrunched up his face. “Dildo, dildo, dildo,” he muttered and dropped to the ground as a wide, bumpy cock.

  I whirled to Sammy, who was already a dildo nestled in the grass.

  “The fuck,” Sammy said. “It worked.”

  Shit, they could talk in this form? Chatty penises were the last thing I needed—or anyone needed anywhere at any time.

  “Shut it,” I muttered. I grabbed up the three sex toys as the car pulled to a stop by the curb.

  The feeling of a weapon pressed against my back vanished. That was even worse than if it remained. Whoever had caused it was pulling back their magic so I wouldn’t sense it. That could only mean I was the one they were searching for—and that they had fine control over their powers.

  The car’s passenger side window rolled down. A man with a buzz cut shifted from the driver seat to the open window. His gaze landed on the three sex toys I grasped against my chest.

  “You okay, miss? Do you need a doctor?”

  “Just delivering these toys to a customer.”

  “Without packaging or a bag?”

  “It’s an emergency delivery. He needs them tonight for a butt orgy.” Answering any question with anal orgies usually shut people up. Where are you from? My old house had a dungeon where I anally probed everyone. Yes, everyone. Why did you come to Silver Springs? For the non-stop anal poundings. No one asked any follow-ups.

  This man did. And that made him suspicious. “Is it safe to walk at night?”

  I glared. “Thanks for checking in. I have a deadline, so good night.”

  The car door opened, and he climbed out. I tensed.

  “If you’re in a rush, let me help you with that.” He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. Plus, who offers to carry a stranger’s unpackaged sex toys? At best, he was a pervert. At worse, he was a witch.
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  I’d rather he was a pervert.

  He stepped toward me and I stepped back, my skin crawling like sand stuck in my underwear. I could curse him with a whispered word. But every dark witch in town would sense something so obvious and come running. So much for sneaking away then.

  “Hey, you look familiar,” I said, though he didn’t. “Have we met?”

  “I think I’d remember a beautiful woman with her arms full of dildos,” he said with a creepy smile.

  “Leave her alone,” Shakespeare shouted.

  The man froze, his gaze going to the toys in my arms.

  “Shift! Shift and fly,” I shouted and threw the dildos.

  Usually, the prospect of used sex toys hitting your face was enough to make anyone flee.

  This man didn’t, but that was his mistake. Two of the dildos shifted in mid-air to two flying naked men.

  “Arrghhh,” Sammy shouted as he and Shakes slammed into the man.

  The man slammed into the car, his head thunking off the roof. He dropped to the pavement, out cold.

  “Take that, overly helpful asshole,” I yelled.

  Shakespeare’s blanket fluttered to the ground, leaving him butt naked.

  Oscar the dildo landed on it and shifted back to a vampire. He scrambled to his feet. “What happened? Who was that?”

  “Let’s find out,” I said and pushed past my naked Shakes and Sammy, making sure to touch their strong arms as I did.

  As my fingers touched the strange man’s jacket, a sickening shiver went through me, landing in my stomach and twisting like food poisoning.

  Dark magic.

  Fuck, fuck, fuck. He was one of Ram’s people.

  I dug through his pockets.

  “April…what are you doing?” Oscar said.

  “Her name is Juniper,” Shakespeare said.

  “Either is fine,” I said.

  “Are we plundering that dude? Fuck yeah,” Sammy said. Still naked, he ran around the car and climbed into the driver’s seat. He looked around as though confused.

  The only thing in the man’s pockets was a credit card and a cell. The latter was locked, so I tossed it into the back seat. I reached past him and opened the glove compartment.

  Sammy’s face lit up, and he slapped my hand away so he could rifle through the food wrappers and insurance papers.

  “Hmmm…” Sammy said, holding up an empty fry box and squinting at it. “I ain’t seen this before. It must be a rare treasure.”

  “Aye,” I said, copying his pirate talk. “See the golden M on it? That means it belongs to Lord McDonald of the Golden Arches. He be very rich.”

  Sammy smiled a greedy, predatory look. I stepped back onto the sidewalk where Shakes tied the blanket around his waist and Oscar glared at me. I shrugged. It didn’t matter what he thought of me now. Ram was closing in. No more time for messing around with hot dudes. I had to leave town this moment.

  Chapter 12

  “Sammy, come on,” I snapped at the pirate raiding a glove box. “We’re going back to the apartment now. If any of you argue, I’ll turn you into tiny butt plugs for toads.”

  “What’s going on?” Shakespeare said. “Who was that man?”

  “Move!” I shouted, my voice booming in the empty street.

  Oscar flinched and started walking backward toward my building. I grabbed Shakes’ arm and dragged him along. Sammy joined us with his hands full of fry boxes.

  “Those are worthless,” Shakes said.

  “Ye just be sayin that so ye can take the booty.”

  I shoved Shakes and then Sammy into my building and shut the door behind us. “Up the stairs and into the apartment, now.”

  Something in my voice or my expression must have startled them, because they didn’t argue. Once in the apartment, I locked the door and grabbed my backpack from the closet. Hurrying around, I grabbed clothes and my laptop while I gave the men orders.

  “Stay here until the spell wears off. I’ll make a conspicuous exit so no one comes looking around the apartment. Keep the drapes drawn and the door locked. There’s food in the kitchen—”

  A strong hand grabbed my wrist as I stuffed a laptop into my pack. I followed the muscled forearm up to Sammy’s frowning face. His other hand still held a pile of old fry boxes. “Ye’re in trouble, so I’m going with ye.”

  I yanked my arm free—or tried to, but his fist tightened on my wrist. Fuck, he was strong from hauling sails and anchors and whatever the fuck pirates did all day. “Go fuck yerself with a rum bottle.”

  “I ain’t doing that again. Lost a cork in me arse.” His voice was dead serious, but his mouth quirked into a sly grin. He was a liar, like me. I grinned back, unable to help myself.

  “Ah, there be a spark of joy in ye after all,” he said.

  “Flirting won’t change my mind. You’re staying here until the spell wears off.”

  “That ruffian scared you,” Shakes said.

  “Pfft, I’m not scared of him.”

  “Then why are you running?” Oscar said.

  I hesitated, debating if I should tell them the truth. The man out there wasn’t a threat. The true threats were the people he worked for and the horrifying things they would do when they found me. And the horrifying things I might do to them.

  The less the dildo men knew, the better. They could relax here for a day, jack off a few times, and then fade away to the safe misery of their ghostly lives.

  “I’m the star player of a roller derby team, and our rivals keep trying to break my knees. I need to get to practice,” I said.

  “You’re lying.” Oscar’s hands shook as he spoke. Did he think I would harm him? “You’re always lying.”

  I was, but lies would keep him safe, as they had kept me safe for years. If only I had lied about who I was and what I could do when I was younger. Ram would have ignored me, and the collection of relics that fueled his power would be a lot smaller.

  “Only fools tell the truth,” Sammy said.

  “Shakespeare—if that is who you are—tell him he’s wrong,” Oscar said.

  “I don’t have time for this.” I yanked my arm free of Sammy’s grasp and marched into the bedroom. Pulling open a bedside drawer, I grabbed the butt plug that held the green faceted Scourge Stone.

  It hadn’t started out as a decoration on a butt plug, of course. I had installed it on the flared metal end because nobody looked closely at used ass plugs. I stored it in a drawer with a bunch of other plugs covered in dried lube. Nobody would stick their hand in a drawer of dirty ass-toys and discover the Stone.

  I stuffed it into the bottom of my backpack underneath my clothes and zippered the bag closed.

  Marching back into the living room, I swung the bag over my shoulder. “Shakespeare won’t disagree with Sammy about the truth. He’s a writer, all he does is lie.”

  “We tell the truth of humanity—”

  “Through lies, you tell us what you think we need to hear.”

  “Nobody needs to hear that trash is priceless booty or that you’re running away to play roller derby,” Oscar said with his voice shaking.

  “You’re getting braver.”

  “No, just more scared! And confused! And…and…and…”

  “Don’t worry. You stay here, and everything will be fine. I’ll be back in a couple of hours.”

  “We’re going with you,” Shakes said. “There might be a chopper squad with gats!”

  “Yaarr! A fight for my wench’s honor…What’s a gat?”

  “How about a fight to get my foot out of your ass?” I said.

  “Who are we fighting and why, though?” Oscar said.

  I paused at the door and sighed. “You won’t stay behind, will you?”

  “Yarrr,” Sammy said.

  “Fine. First, we have to find clothes for you three. Follow me.”

  I was telling them what they wanted to hear, so they followed. Once we were in the corridor outside my apartment, I shut the door, locked it, and muttered
a word to raise its ward. Leaving it down would draw suspicion even if there was nothing in the apartment worth stealing.

  “Come on,” I shouldered my bag and trudged up the stairs to the apartment above. “The woman upstairs has male roommates, and we can borrow their clothes,” I lied.

  “They better have style,” Sammy said.

  I pounded on the door. “Calluna!”

  My curvy neighbor pulled open the door. “You never come up here unless it’s to fly Violet on dildos…” She trailed off as her gaze fell on the three naked men behind me.

  “Can they borrow some clothes? Yes? Great.” I muttered a word to force the door to jam and stay open. I waved the men inside Calluna’s apartment.

  “Why the flying fuck would I have men’s clothes?” she yelled, one hand on her hip.

  “These guys are harmless; just keep them safe for a day and wash the leftover dildos before using them. Bye.” I flicked my fingers, and the door slammed closed.

  “June,” Sammy shouted and lunged at the door as it slammed in his face.

  “Stay the fuck away from my monkeys and watch out for the three feral cats.” I heard Calluna say in anger as her feet stomped against her wood floor.

  I mumbled a spell and moved my fingers in a complex pattern. The door locked and jammed. It would take magic to open it, but my spell would wear off in a few hours when I was already far from here.

  “Let us out! There are angry monkeys in here,” Oscar shouted.

  “Listen,” I said. “The love and lust you’re feeling is a spell. It’s not real. You had no choice in it, so exercise choice now and stay away from me.”

  “We can’t make a choice because you locked us in,” Oscar said.

  “What do ye mean, a spell?” Sammy asked.

  “A mating spell—”

  “Then why ain’t we mating?”

  “Shut it, Sam.”

  “You mean…like the spells from Jewels Cafe?” Oscar said. “I heard people talking about those in the factory.”

  “Exactly. Now I’m going to give you the choice it stole from you. You’ll be safe from the witch who ensnared you.” I hadn’t spelled their hearts on purpose, but if they saw me as the villain, they’d be more likely to stay put until the soulbinding wore off.