Full Figured 13

by Mona Love

  A tall, dark-haired woman sauntered into my house. She was gorgeous, slim, and tall. She was like a model. And she was everything that I was not!

  I sucked in my breath at the woman’s beauty. She had an air about her that exuded confidence and beauty. I wanted to faint and run away. My legs went weak and shaky. She wore a simple pair of jeans and a fitted top, but to me, she looked like she was wearing a beautiful gown. Everything about her made me feel as if I should just bury myself now. I felt like a fat pig compared to her. I felt ugly. I felt trapped. I felt betrayed. I simply felt like dying all over again. Malek had done this to me again.

  “Tell her,” Leitha said, urging the woman forward.

  I looked at the woman’s beautiful face: almond eyes, perfectly clear radiant skin, and her perfect teeth. She looked at me sympathetically, but she didn’t speak at first.

  Leitha stepped between us. “I think you both got played. But you need to talk. It’s important that he doesn’t get away with this,” she said.

  “Malek didn’t tell me about you,” the beautiful woman said, seemingly barely able to form the words. “He told me he had to travel for work, and he would always come back with money. He would be gone days, sometimes for a week, but never longer than that,” she said.

  The sound of her voice made my insides feel like they were going through a meat grinder. It was like nails on a chalkboard. I stared at her, dumbfounded.

  “He, um, he bought me things. He would show up with beautiful bags and jewelry. He, um, he took me on a trip. He would give me money, and he treated me well,” she said like she was already sorry.

  I didn’t know how much Leitha had told her or what Leitha had told her that convinced her to come to my house. My mind screamed as her words hit home. It hadn’t even been three months, and Malek had already been caught out there in a web of lies. To say that my heart was broken was a total understatement. I felt like my entire world had just caved in on me. I felt like the shit under this woman’s shoes. He had actually used my money to wine and dine the next bitch. It stung so badly. I flopped down onto my couch.

  “I’m sorry. I never knew about you. I want you to know that I would never date a man who was using another woman like this,” the woman said.

  My head pounded. Everything around me seemed to be spinning. I didn’t care about her explanation. I didn’t need her fucking sympathy either. The embarrassment I felt made me feel like I had just taken a mouthful of glass and tried to chew it. I was cut deep. So deep I didn’t know how I’d recover. Fuck the money. Fuck the fancy car and house and all of the things. My heart was shredded.

  “You can leave,” I rasped. “I don’t need to hear any more.”

  “I’m sorry,” she said.

  Leitha let her out and found me with my head in my hands. “Believe what you see in those pictures, Keisha. Malek is the same person he was back then,” Leitha said calmly.

  My body was engulfed in heat now. Something ticked at my core, like the timer on a bomb.

  “Why?” I shouted. The room was spinning. I felt sick to my stomach. My ears rang. I felt like a hamster on a wheel.

  “It’s not your fault, Keisha. You’re beautiful inside and out. You can’t take the blame. You have plenty of people who love you. You don’t need him,” Leitha comforted me.

  “It’s not fair!” I exploded, tossing the pictures back onto the table. “I can’t keep being the bitch who gets used and left! I thought having money would change that! Why me? Why can’t someone just love me for me!” I slammed my hand on top of the pictures, spreading them out like a sick artwork display.

  “I guess this makes you satisfied,” I huffed, pushing the photographs in Leitha’s direction. She was silent. My eyes went into slits. I hated nothing more than liars, thieves, and traitors.

  “This can’t be life,” I said, placing my hands on either side of my head. I took another close look at the pictures. “Nah, this fucking can’t be life!” I croaked, my words getting caught in my throat. “Something has to be wrong with me. God is punishing me over and over again.” I lowered my voice into a growl. My body went cold like someone had pumped ice water into my veins.

  “I’m so sorry,” Leitha said. “I’d rather you know now than let him use you any longer. I know this hurts, but it was for your own good. Trust me, God is going to send you someone, Keisha. God is going to bless you.”

  I knew that Leitha meant well, but I wanted to scream at her and tell her she should’ve minded her business. It wasn’t like I didn’t suspect Malek of doing something with all his recent disappearing acts, but maybe I just needed to believe that for once I was worthy of a man who looked like him. Either he’d really seen me as a weak woman, or he knew he was a weak fucking man. Either way, I was done with him, and he was going to feel my wrath.

  I felt vomit creeping up my esophagus. Fire burned in my chest, and huge sweat beads raced down my back. With my lips pursed and nostrils flaring, I picked up my cell phone and dialed Malek’s phone number. I wrapped my hand around the phone so tight I felt like my bones would break. With my adrenaline rushing so fast, I was waiting for his ass to answer the phone. Of course he didn’t. When his voicemail came on, I threw my phone across the room. Leitha jumped.

  “Are you going to be okay, Keisha?” she asked, her brows furrowed.

  “I just want to be alone,” I said, attempting to halt my own fury.

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Leitha said.

  There was an angry hornet’s nest of buzzing in my ears. I felt like screaming as loud as my voice could go. I shook all over. “I just want to be alone,” I repeated, this time with grit. “Please leave.”

  Leitha opened her mouth to say something, but the fire in my eyes told her not to. She saw herself out, leaving me alone with those pictures of Malek with several women in several compromising positions. I was all alone with my thoughts and my broken heart.

  * * *

  With trembling hands, I poured a full glass of Hennessy and drank it straight. I winced as it burned my chest going down. I was going to need to be drunk when Malek finally came home, or he might find himself dead in here.

  It was moments like this when I wanted to call my mother and curse her out for how she raised me. My mother was the one who made me weak like this for men. I was raised to believe I was fucking nothing without a man. When I was younger, being a wife or someone’s woman was the only thing my mother talked about. She would actually say a woman without a man was like a human being without a face. As if I couldn’t be seen in the world without a man. I’d fed into that all of my life. I’d been spending all my years unhappy because I had never learned how to make myself happy.

  “Keisha, Keisha, Keisha,” my mother would say. “You’re so pretty, but that weight is going to keep you from having a man. You better stop eating or you’ll never be wife material.”

  When I was in elementary and high school, my mother obsessed over my weight, but more importantly over which boy liked me and whether I had a boyfriend. That kind of pressure made me eat and eat and eat. I hated myself. I hated her. I hated boys. I hated life. I never let my mother know how much the constant badgering about having a boyfriend had affected me. And my mother certainly acted as if she didn’t notice how big I was getting and how sad I was all the time. It was a fucking mess growing up. Honestly, I didn’t know how I didn’t just off myself. I didn’t know how I always managed to stay so bubbly and happy around the friends I did have. I guessed they were my escape.

  With tears racing down my face, I stared into the bottom of my empty glass. I filled it with the last of the Hennessy and took it to the head again. “Agh,” I growled from the hot liquor stinging my insides.

  There was something real harsh and sobering about realizing that I’d lived my entire life chasing a dream that would never come true. I was never going to be someone’s wife or loved for who I was inside. Men wanted to be my friend or use me, that was it. Nothing more. I had been so stupid! Ev
erything I did in life had been in furtherance of finding the perfect man. Even now, with $40 million in my bank account, I still couldn’t be happy!

  “Who are you, Keisha? Do you even fucking know who you are?” I murmured, speaking to the empty glass. My insides were warm, and my head swirled, but I didn’t feel better at all. Tears slid down my face. I had let this happen to me. It was my fault.

  I fell into a fitful sleep waiting for Malek. I heard when Malek into the loft, taking care not to make too much noise. In the darkness, he didn’t see me until it was too late and I was on his ass.

  “You lying bastard! You piece of shit! I gave you my heart, again! I hate you! You piece of shit!” I blacked out, screaming and pounding my fist into his face and on his head.

  Malek was clearly caught off guard. He stumbled back a few steps and tried to grab my wrists, but I was too much for his ass. “Wait, Keisha. What . . . Wait.”

  “Fuck you! I hate you! I know everything!” I screeched as I swung my arms wildly and my voice cracked with anguish. “You used me! You fucking used my money to care for another bitch! How could you?”

  “Keisha, wait.” He tried to keep me from hitting him by ducking and weaving, but I was too enraged to care. “Keisha, calm down.” He struggled with me, but I wasn’t one of his skinny bitches. I wasn’t ever going to be one of his skinny bitches.

  “Get off of me. Don’t touch me, you fucking liar!” I said through gritted teeth, fighting against him.

  “Calm down. Let me talk to you,” he said, winded and out of breath.

  “How could you? How could you do this to me again?” I huffed and finally collapsed, worn out. “Why, Malek?” I whimpered.

  “I know you’re upset, but I can explain everything,” Malek said in a smooth, calm voice. He guided me over to the couch. “Sit down for a minute. Let me talk to you.”

  The liquor in my system made him look distorted. Even the words coming out of his mouth were garbled to me. “Why did you do this to me?” I asked, my words slightly slurred.

  “In the beginning, I was on some shit, Keisha. But I do love you. I had a lot of things to work out, but I wanted to be with you. I just had to take care of the things I had going on out there,” he said and hung his head. “I told you that I wouldn’t hurt you or leave you, and I meant it. I meant every word of it.”

  My head shot up. “What? Are you fucking kidding me? You didn’t mean any of it. You’re a born fucking liar, and you’re a selfish user,” I spat.

  “I know that’s what you think, but I’m telling you, I love you. I just had a lot of baggage, and I didn’t want to drag you into it. I didn’t want you to be hurt. I should’ve just been honest with you. I was too scared I would lose you to the money and you’d disappear for good.”

  “Liar,” I croaked. I lowered my face into my hands and sobbed. He sat next to me and tried to hug me.

  “Get out,” I said in a low growl.

  “Keish,” he started.

  “Get out!” I screamed this time. “Get out! Get out! Get out!”

  Chapter 8

  Redemption

  The night I put Malek out, I cried and cried until I made myself so sick I was throwing up nothing but my stomach acid. I didn’t even have enough energy to go up to my bedroom that first night, so I had slept curled up in a fetal position in the living room. It wasn’t until a day and a half later that I was able to even drag myself to the bedroom. I lay in bed, tossing and turning, replaying Malek’s betrayal in my head over and over. My emotions ran the gamut from sorrowful to all-out full of rage. Finally, after days of a mentally debilitating roller coaster, an unnerving calm suddenly came over me like a warm blanket. Still, I didn’t leave the house. I ordered food in, ignored my cell phone calls, and secluded myself from the world.

  I stayed in bed three weeks before Leitha used her key, stormed into my house, snatched my bedroom blinds open, and told me I had to get my ass up out of the bed and stop feeling sorry for myself. I had tried to fight her at first, but there was no use. We all know when Leitha had something in her mind, she wasn’t going to back down.

  When I stepped into the shower, the water felt like needles. I had been laid up so long my hair was a matted mess. It was like I was bringing myself back from the dead.

  I wrapped myself in my robe and padded into the living room where Leitha sat tapping her foot while waiting for me. “This is just ridiculous,” she said, pointing to all of the delivery food boxes and cartons strewn all over the house. “You’re fucking rich, and you’re laid up in here depressed and hiding over some no-good nigga?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it. I’m up and out of bed. Take that victory and leave it at that,” I scolded her. Truly, I didn’t want to dwell on it any longer.

  “Here.” She tossed my cell phone at me. “Your damn voicemail is full.”

  I rolled my eyes and punched the voicemail button. Leitha was right. It was flooded. There were messages from every dude I’d ever dated. I had to laugh when I heard Wilson, Darius, Wilson, Tony, Keith, and Malek on my damn messages. Were they serious? I guessed the word was finally all the way out that I’d hit the lottery. Each and every one of those niggas were losers. Not one of them had ever really cared about me. I sighed loudly, remembering when Malek told me I was like a sister to him after we had fucked. How many dudes you know fuck their sisters? I shook my head now thinking about them. Tony had a whole wife who came to my job showing out. What in all hell was he doing on a damn dating website while he was married? I’d had some nightmarish dates, I tell you. I deleted message after message, but I got to one and I didn’t recognize the voice.

  “Hey, Keisha, this is Andre. I was calling to speak to you. I hope you’re well. I thought I’d hear from you by now. I hope I dialed the right number. Let’s chat soon.”

  My eyes went round, and I clutched the phone so tight my knuckles turned white. I pressed the phone harder against my ear and listened to the message again to make sure my ears weren’t deceiving me. It was Andre for sure. I never expected in a million years to hear from him.

  Leitha looked at me strangely. “What? What is it?” she asked.

  “Andre, the lottery name guy, left me a message,” I said.

  She rushed over to me. “Call him. Maybe that’s what you need to pull you out of this funk: a real man. You said it yourself. He was a gentleman.”

  My hands trembled just thinking about going back out into the dating world. I didn’t think my heart could take another devastating heartbreak like the ones I’d suffered. I also didn’t trust any man at this point.

  “Wow,” I gasped, holding my phone against my chest. Andre had left three messages. I closed my eyes and could see his gorgeous face. But then sadness cropped up in my mind.

  “I’m not calling him,” I said. “It’s too soon. I’m not ready, and I’d just be fucking up his life.”

  “Well, I don’t care if you call or not. We are going out tonight. No more of this feeling sorry for yourself shit,” Leitha said.

  “I’m definitely not going out. Do you see me?” I snapped, irritated as hell.

  “C’mon, I’m going out tonight, and you are too,” Leitha demanded. Then she let a warm smile spread across her face. “It has been a minute since we went out together. We wait until we get money to actually afford VIP to decide we’re going to turn into old ladies and stay in the house all the time. Let’s go have a celebrity-style night out,” she urged, giggling. She was just trying to get me out of my slump. I appreciated it, but I just couldn’t even imagine washing my ass, much less going out around a bunch of strangers.

  “I am not going out,” I snapped.

  “Your ass is going out. I’m your best friend, and I’m not about to let you sit in this house and drive yourself crazy,” Leitha said. I was quiet. She sucked her teeth.

  “I’m going right upstairs to find you something to wear. Drake is going to be in the city tonight, and we are going, and we are doing it big,” Leitha said, knowing
that Drake was my favorite.

  “I’m too depressed, LeLe. I swear I won’t be good company out there,” I said apologetically.

  “Well, going out is the perfect cure for being depressed. You’ll enjoy being out with people. I can picture it now. We finally get to hang out in VIP with all those ballers,” Leitha mused like she could picture it.

  “Ugh. I don’t know why you can’t just ever take no for an answer.”

  “Just c’mon and let’s go pick out something to wear so we can hit the damn town,” Leitha replied.

  I followed her to my bedroom. I wanted to just hug her ass over and over again. She had no clue how grateful I was to have her at a time like this.

  * * *

  When Leitha and I stepped into the club, I could feel all eyes on us. It was the effect of the outfits we had managed to put together. Leitha had chosen a royal blue Michael Costello dress for me. When I put it on, the shit looked like it had been tailor-made for all 300 and more pounds of me. I grabbed a pair of Jimmy Choos to top the outfit off.

  Leitha wore a Bobbi Fields dress with a plunging neckline and some Aquazzura pumps. The turquoise color of her dress complemented her skin so well she seemed to glow. We were a pair of fine-ass sisters if I did say so myself.

  Once we were inside the club for a few minutes, Leitha was finally able to unwind. It had been a long time. I actually felt like a fish out of water at first.

  The music in the club was hitting. It made me want to move my body, but I was still feeling like I shouldn’t be there, so I just sat down and struck a pretty pose. As Leitha yapped on about nothing, I had a fleeting thought about Malek. It was like he just popped into my head. I bit down into my jaw and closed my eyes for a minute. I popped my eyes open real quick.

  “Keisha, what you want to drink?” Leitha screamed in my ear, breaking up my thoughts. I shrugged. “You’re so damn boring! Liven up. We out there like VIPS, finally,” Leitha chastised me. She took the lead and ordered us our first round of drinks. As the night wore on, I wanted to just scream. Being out had not helped.