by Mona Love
“I love you too,” David told her. No man had ever loved Secret. She had never known her father, and her uncles and cousins certainly didn’t love her. They were perverts who’d exploited her body and made her feel ashamed of her beauty.
That night David made love to her again. It was the first time he took off the protection and the first time Secret fully let herself go. She performed oral sex on David for the first time, and he exchanged the favor. In Secret’s mind, she would’ve done just about anything for the man of her dreams.
After David moved in with her, he came home excited one day. Secret was in bed. She had just gotten in from school and a print modeling gig that had run four hours over due to her inability to get into the shoot.
“Secret! Secret! Where are you?” David called out to her. Tired as hell, but wanting to be responsive to her man, Secret bolted upright in the bed and forced a smile onto her face. David came barreling into their bedroom, waving an envelope in his hand. He bounced onto the bed and put the envelope in Secret’s face.
“What? What’s that?” she asked, looking at him like he was crazy. She already felt excited for him just seeing his eyes all lit up.
“It’s my acceptance! I got in to the young entrepreneurs program at The Wharton School! That shit is super competitive, but I finally got it!” David yelled, running around like he’d just hit the lottery.
Secret started clapping. As tired as she was, she pulled it out for her man. “Yay! Oh, baby, I’m so happy for you!” she sang, grabbing him for a hug and kiss.
David was too excited to kiss her. He pushed her aside and started walking in circles. “You don’t know what this means, Secret. The future is bright. We will be on our way. That fucking program turns out the best company executives in the nation. Can’t you see me as the VP of a Fortune 500 company? Or maybe even having my own company?” David said excitedly.
Secret was shaking her head vigorously in the affirmative. She could actually see her man exchanging his baggy jeans for a suit and French-cuff shirts.
Secret was so happy for him. She had learned over the months they were dating that David had come from rough beginnings even worse than her own. David had been left at the hospital after he was born. He’d knocked around from foster-care home to foster-care home and finally to a boy’s group home until he was too old to stay. He worked odd jobs while he worked hard to get his high school diploma. Not one family member had shown up at his graduation.
Secret had to admit, she couldn’t imagine growing up that bad. She was proud of David, and she admired him so much.
“You are going to be the best VP in the world, baby,” Secret said, finally stopping his pacing long enough to embrace him. David made passionate, excited love to her right on the bedroom floor. Secret was deeper in love than she could have ever anticipated.
Three months into David starting business school, Secret stopped going to college and was barely modeling anymore. David, with his charm and good-ass lovemaking, had somehow convinced Secret that quitting everything she loved was the best thing to do. Head over heels in love, Secret gave up her dream of being a nurse just like that. She walked out of school and never looked back. Instead, she modeled when she could to get money while David studied for his business degree. Secret was really their only source of income while David went to school full-time.
In her mind, Secret believed she was doing it for their relationship and for what he had been promising her: a good life as the wife of a rich businessman. Secret believed him when he told her that once he graduated and landed a job at a big marketing firm, she wouldn’t have to model or work or go to school ever again.
Secret sometimes felt neglected after David started school. He would spend a lot of time at the library or at school. Yet Secret remained loyal. She did gigs during the day, cooked, washed his clothes, bought his MetroCards, and paid the rent on their apartment in Brooklyn. Secret also helped David with his school expenses. Sometimes Secret would be dead tired after going from modeling gig to modeling gig all day long to raise enough cash to cover everything. David, when he had time, would want to make love to her or ask for her help typing up his research papers. It didn’t matter how tired or how frustrated she was, Secret would never tell David no, no matter if she was tired, sick, or just really didn’t feel like it. Secret gave David her all.
Sometimes he acted as if he didn’t appreciate it. One night, Secret was in bed when he finally came home from studying at school. Secret heard him slamming around inside the tiny apartment, but she was too tired to move.
“Secret!” David called out, his tone angry.
Secret moaned in response.
David stormed into the bedroom. “You didn’t make anything to eat or at least bring something in?” he barked.
Secret couldn’t believe his nerve. How fucking ungrateful could he get? She had been going the entire day, working, unlike him. All he did was go to school. Shit, the least he could do was get food. She had gone to bed hungry herself that night.
“I didn’t get anything because I was too tired. But I can get up and make you something,” Secret said to comfort him, barely able to muster enough energy to get the words out loudly. She didn’t think David would really expect her to get up, but he did. That night was the first real sign of selfishness Secret had seen in David. There would be many more in the years to come.
It turned out in the years they were together that not all of the promises David made to Secret came to fruition. David graduated from Wharton at the top of his class and landed a big job at one of the premier financial advisory firms in New York. He even told Secret she could completely stop modeling. Secret quit immediately. It had been hard to keep up with the younger models coming out anyway. Secret told herself she was content being home for David. She did all of her duties, and then he asked her to marry him. It wasn’t a really romantic proposal. David had stopped being sweet and romantic since he’d become a big honcho in the finance world. His proposal came across like just another business deal he needed to broker.
David took Secret to dinner at the famous Del Frisco’s Double Eagle Steakhouse in the city. She hated steak, but she was still overjoyed to be spending time with him, which up to that moment had been happening less and less.
With little conversation that night, David slid the small ring box across the table at her. Secret had just lifted her glass to her mouth and taken a gulp of her soda. The sight of the box made her almost choke.
“What’s this?” she said, asking the obvious.
David tilted his head and gave her a look like, “What do you think it is?” but he didn’t say anything.
“Oh, my God, David!” Secret said, cupping her hands around her mouth, awestruck.
“I’m telling you now, Secret, the wedding will be small. We don’t need a bunch of pomp and circumstance. We’ve been together too long for that,” David told her flatly.
Secret’s heart sank. He had some nerve. Secret had been noticing that David was really careful about his spending when he was the one making money. When Secret was the breadwinner, they would sometimes spend money frivolously.
“That’s how you’re going to ask?” Secret said, still shocked at his behavior.
David shook his head as if he had to snap out of it. “I’m sorry. I’m just stressed out at work,” he said apologetically. He got up, grabbed the box from the table, knelt in front of her, and said, “Secret Dani Brooks, will you do me the honor of becoming Mrs. David Johnson?”
Secret burst into tears. She grabbed David’s face and brought it closer to hers. “Yes! I will be honored to be Mrs. Johnson!”
With the help of Andrea, Secret planned a small, intimate wedding. Most of the attendees were her friends and some of her family. David didn’t have many friends, and he certainly didn’t have a family.
After they were married, David still wanted Secret to stay home. They started a family right away. After the birth of their first daughter, David and Secret seemed to be
the couple to envy. Although Secret gained some weight and dealt with some of David’s cruel ways in the privacy of their own home, to outsiders they seemed to be unrealistically happy in love and living what appeared to be every woman’s fantasy.
It didn’t matter what it appeared to be. The bottom line was Secret wasn’t happy. She hated the way she looked, and with the birth of just one baby she dieted and exercised relentlessly. Secret became like a Stepford wife: cooking, cleaning, and caring for her husband and child all while keeping a smile plastered to her face. She lost the weight—well, most of it—but that didn’t stop David’s cruel comments about her appearance. Fatty, Chub Rock, and Chubby Checker were just a few of the names she dealt with from him.
Exhausted by life, Secret made the biggest mistake she could never recover from. Secret gave up who she was. Her totally identity changed. Everything became about David and the baby. She even changed her style to be more “wife-like.” Secret changed her style of dress. Her jeans were looser, she hardly ever wore heels anymore, and she made large sweat suits her regular wardrobe. Secret no longer worried about her hair being done or her nails being filed. She no longer cared about her fading waistline or the frumpy clothes she wore. Secret was fully focused on taking care of David and building a home. In turn, she neglected herself and who she really was. Secret couldn’t even remember that when they’d met, she was a beautiful young model with a Sports Illustrated shape, a fresh face that required no makeup, and money to burn.
When David met her, Secret had style and class, and she always made sure she kept her nails manicured and her toes done. She worked out five days a week to keep a flat stomach and a small waist. David seemed to be enamored with her in the beginning. He was super attentive to everything about her, especially her feelings. He would often tell her how beautiful she was, and he would do little sweet things for her like leaving rose petals on her pillow. When Secret committed the cardinal sin and surrendered her own education and modeling career to help finance his business degree, she thought he would fall deeper in love with her. After David graduated and they started living “real” life, things changed. It seemed like once Secret gave up who she was to be a mother and a wife, David began to lose respect and admiration for her. It just got worse over time.
David began to treat Secret even more like shit after the birth of their second child. He was upset when Secret told him she was pregnant again. He started focusing on her appearance, and it was like they couldn’t get through one dinner or night at home without him mentioning it.
Secret knew she had gained weight with the pregnancies, but she wasn’t prepared for the level of betrayal she felt when David told her he couldn’t bear to have sex with her because he was repulsed by her “fat upper pussy area (FUPA)” as he called it. “Look at your stomach. That thing is really disgusting. You expect my dick to get hard looking at that shit? It looks like brains with all those nasty stretch marks,” David said to her one night.
Secret cried for two days after that. He never apologized to her either. It was like he thought he was justified in showing her that level of disrespect. Yet Secret didn’t let David’s straight cruelty and neglect deter her from trying to be a good wife. She went out and joined Curves, got her nails and hair done, and even purchased a hot little lingerie number from Frederick’s of Hollywood. None of those things worked or helped. David still barely touched her, and when he did, it was so mundane and routine that Secret often buried her face in her pillow and cried afterward.
After a while, David moved up in his company, and he had started traveling and spending long nights at the office. His neglect made Secret feel alone, unworthy, and less than. Still, Secret tried even harder to please him. She would cook extra-big meals, clean the house extra spotless, and she still tried to be as sexy as possible, even though she hated her own body and herself for that matter. David wouldn’t put in any effort. It was like their marriage failures were all Secret’s fault.
Secret started to grow frustrated and angry. Sometimes she would express her displeasure, but that would always turn right back against her. David was a master at flipping the script. After months of arguing, Secret decided she would do something drastic about what was going on.
Secret convinced herself that all she needed to do was look how she looked when they’d met, because she’d tried everything else already. David barely looked at Secret, and when he did, it was always followed by a cruel criticism. He’d say things like, “You look like a cow in that black and white. Don’t wear that again,” and, “How many asses do you have? Six?” It was always something that he’d later say was to motivate her to get into the gym. Still, Secret held fast to her wifely duties.
Every once in a while, David would have sex with her. But the way David performed in the bed made Secret feel like he was providing her with sympathy sex. He always seemed slightly disgusted and rushed. Although they had been having problems for over six months, Secret got up one day and decided drastic measures were all that could save her marriage.
Chapter 2
Secret’s heart sped up when the plane landed in the Dominican Republic. There was no turning back now. She turned on her cell phone to see if she had any messages from David. Nothing. There was one text from her babysitter telling her the kids were fine.
“Well, we are here. You sure you don’t want to just turn this into a lazy beach vacation and go back home?” Andrea asked, a hint of worry in her tone.
“Girl, stop saying that. I am getting this surgery. That’s final,” Secret said confidently.
When Andrea and Secret cleared Dominican customs, they were free to exit the airport. There were tons of drivers holding signs with names on them.
“Dr. Mungia is sending a van for us,” Secret told Andrea. “Just look for my name.”
They both scanned the rows and rows of men holding signs. “There.” Secret pointed and smiled. They rushed over to the driver.
“I’m Secret Johnson,” she told him.
He nodded, said something in Spanish, and led the way to the van.
“He’s scary,” Andrea whispered to Secret.
“Scary how?” Secret whispered back and then sucked her teeth. Andrea was right. The driver seemed cold and distant. He wasn’t warm and inviting at all. His van was subpar and raggedy inside, but it did have air conditioning.
“I hope the place you’re going is not as janky as this van,” Andrea mumbled. “I just wouldn’t be letting them cut on me in no poor-ass place like this, Secret.”
Secret rolled her eyes. “What’s the rule, Andrea? No more talking about the surgery, right? Good.” The remainder of their hour-and-a-half ride was silent.
* * *
The driver eased the van down a long, winding gravel road. The area was surrounded by trees and remotely located. There wasn’t a business or beach or anything in sight. Secret could see a house in the distance. It wasn’t a mansion, but it was a big house. There were two other brick buildings a short distance from what seemed like the main house. Secret assumed those were going to be the hospital-style buildings. Andrea was shaking her head, but she respected Secret’s wishes, and she didn’t say anything.
“Here,” the driver said, pulling in front of the house. There was a plantation-style porch with several chairs on it. The front door hung open, and Secret could see a small reception desk just inside. Again her heart sped up, and her palms were soaked with sweat.
“Here goes nothing,” she mumbled.
“Hello,” a young woman sang, walking toward Secret and Andrea. “Mrs. Johnson?”
“Yes,” Secret answered, her voice trembling.
“I’m Lucia, Dr. Mungia’s assistant,” she said, extending her hand to Secret.
“Hi.”
“As we discussed over the phone, we will need to do an exam before your surgery. Unfortunately, your escort will not stay here. We have another location for escorts to stay,” Lucia said, looking at Andrea as she spoke.
“Oh, hell
no. I’m not leaving you here alone, Secret,” Andrea piped up. She was tired of being quiet now.
“Shh. It’s okay. We will take care of her. As soon as the surgery is done, we will pick you up to see her for recovery. It’s just that we have nowhere for you to relax during the surgery time,” Lucia explained.
“First of all, don’t shush me. Second of all, I will not be relaxing until my cousin is through this shit safely,” Andrea snapped.
“Andrea! Please. Just listen to her. I don’t need this right now,” Secret said forcefully.
Andrea threw her hands up. “You know what, Secret? I won’t worry about you. I won’t care. Do whatever you want. This shit is stupid. You’re cutting on yourself and risking your life out here for a man who don’t want you anymore!”
Secret’s head jerked back as if Andrea had thrown cold water in her face. Tears immediately sprang to her eyes. “How dare you?” Secret rasped, her throat feeling like it would close any minute. “I’m ready to go,” Secret said, turning her back on Andrea.
“Secret! Wait! I’m sorry!” Andrea called at her back.
It was too late. Secret forged ahead and never turned back. She never saw the creepy driver usher Andrea away like he was about to take her to the death chamber.
* * *
Secret’s eyes roved back and forth as she followed Lucia through the expansive house turned surgery center. There were rooms with numbers on them. There were women rushing through the hallways. Secret guessed they were nurses, although they didn’t wear traditional nurse’s scrubs. It was eerily silent in the house, which unnerved Secret a little bit.
“You can go right in here. You will find a gown on the bed. Get undressed with the opening to the back. Dr. Mungia will be in shortly to examine your body,” Lucia said.
Secret watched as Lucia left the room and closed the door behind her. Secret shivered, partly because her nerves were on edge, but mostly because the room was freezing. She got undressed slowly, and as she removed each article of clothing, she examined herself in the long mirror on the wall.