Nurse to Forever Mom

by Susan Carlisle

  Jean and Lizzy were giddy with excitement over seeing her. As Cody once again cooked pancakes, each girl took turns to share stories about their trip with their grandparents. They also got out the things they had brought home with them. A rock, a pine cone, a special cup, and every one Stacey treated as if it were made of gold.

  Stacey presented the girls with the book she had bought them. They were happy to get it, even wanting her to read it to them. She did so while Cody continued to work on the food. She shared the inscription she’d written on the inside cover: “‘To two very special girls. I’ll always hold you and our time together in my heart.’”

  They wouldn’t understand that at their young ages but they would as adults. Maybe they would think about her when they read it to their own children. Wherever she was, it would be nice to think someone was thinking about her on occasion.

  She looked at Cody after she’d read it. He was watching them with shadowy eyes. What feelings was he hiding there? Did he think it was too much? He’d been cool, even standoffish when she had arrived.

  He seemed as resigned to her leaving as she was determined she would go. That was good. She didn’t want a scene. There shouldn’t be one anyway—she had told him all along that she wouldn’t be staying. Why she was even worrying about it, she didn’t know. Not once had he suggested that she should stay. There was no job here for her now. Cody had certainly not offered her a position in his life.

  They’d had their fun and games while they’d had the chance and now it was over. They could part as friends and their time together would be a nice interlude she’d remember fondly. Sadly, despite trying to pretend, she wasn’t sure it would be that simple for her.

  * * *

  Cody looked across the table at Jean and Lizzy. They were growing up fast. Right now they were all smiles and lively conversation, each one trying to talk over the other in an effort to hold Stacey’s attention. She, as always, was listening raptly to each word. She would make a wonderful mother.

  He had to stop that line of thought. It would get him nowhere. He wasn’t even sure he could offer anyone that role ever again. Bringing her into their life permanently was another issue completely but, heaven help him, he would ache for her for a long time to come.

  Cody had to stop himself more than once from holding her hand under the table. He just wanted to touch her for as long as possible. Instead, he resisted and tried to keep the meal moving on a light note.

  It wasn’t until they were all through with their meals that the atmosphere became gloomy. Stacey reached across the table and took the hands of Jean and Lizzy. “I wanted to come here today to tell you both I was leaving this afternoon.”

  The girls’ smiles dropped.

  “Can’t you stay longer?” Lizzy asked mournfully.

  Stacey’s lips drew into a thin line and she shook her head slightly. “No. Remember I told you that I have a job waiting for me. They need me.”

  “But who is going to help us with our dance costumes? Daddy is no good at it.” Jean looked from her to him and back again.

  Stacey glanced at Cody giving him a weak smile before her attention returned to the girls. “Maybe you can use your imaginations and help him.”

  This was just what Cody had tried to guard against. Once again someone Jean and Lizzy cared about would no longer be in their lives. He’d been unable to stay away from Stacey and now Lizzy and Jean were caught in the fallout.

  “But we like you,” Lizzy announced.

  “And I like you both too. Me leaving won’t change that.”

  “Do you have to go today?” Jean asked.

  “I do. My mother is expecting me for a visit and then I’m off to Ethiopia.” Stacey sounded as if she was trying to put an excited note in her words but it was falling flat.

  The girls’ eyes glistened with tears.

  “Will you come back?” Jean asked.

  Cody was devastated. This was the daughter who had taken time to warm up to Stacey and now that she had, Stacey was leaving. This was far worse than he’d imagined. He had to defuse the conversation. “Girls, we want to wish Stacey well, don’t we? So let’s smile and be happy for her. Since you have finished eating, how about putting your dishes in the sink. It’s a nice day so why don’t you go outside and play? Stacey doesn’t have to leave for a little while. She can come out and say a final goodbye later.”

  As the girls scrambled to do as he’d asked, Stacey gave him a resigned look. “I didn’t think it would be this hard. Never has been before.” She said the words more to herself than to him.

  Neither one of them said anything for a few minutes.

  His phone ringing interrupted the silence. “I’ve got to get that.”

  Stacey nodded.

  Cody picked his phone up off the counter and went into the next room to talk.

  “Dr. Brennan,” Cody answered. He hoped he didn’t have to go in. He wanted all the time he could get with Stacey, even if it was rocky.

  “Cody, it’s Marsha Lewiston.”

  His clinical nurse. The one Stacey had been filling in for. “Marsha, it’s good to hear from you. I’m looking forward to having you back tomorrow.” That wasn’t exactly accurate. If Marsha was his nurse again then Stacey would be gone. The knot that had formed in his stomach grew. “How’s your mother doing?’

  “That’s the thing, Cody. She’s recovering well from the surgery but she isn’t getting any younger. I know this is short notice but I’m going to resign my position. I need to live and work closer to Mom.”

  Cody couldn’t miss the extra thump of his heart at Marsha’s announcement. There would be an opening for Stacey to stay. “I understand. You have to do what’s best for you and your mother. I will miss working with you.”

  “I’ll make it a formal note by email in the morning.”

  “That sounds fine. Let me know if you need a reference. I assure you it will be a glowing one.”

  “Thanks, Cody. I appreciate that. Again, I’m sorry for not saying something sooner.”

  “Don’t worry about it.” As far as Cody was concerned, the timing was perfect. He could offer Stacey the position. Maybe it would give her an excuse to stay. They could build from there.

  CHAPTER NINE

  WITH HIS PHONE call completed Cody returned to the kitchen, hope making his step lighter. There he found Stacey standing at the sink, doing the dishes.

  “Leave those. I’ll do them later.” Cody moved around the counter near her and leaned a hip against it.

  “I don’t mind. It gives me something to do.” She placed a plate into the dishwasher. “I have to go in a few minutes anyway.”

  He tried to tamp down the excitement that Marsha’s phone call had generated in him. Would Stacey go for it? He couldn’t help but be thrilled about the idea. Maybe it would be enough to get her to stay longer. Still, he wasn’t clear on how he really felt about Stacey agreeing to what he was about to ask. Would she see it as him asking for more between them?

  The fear that something he couldn’t get back was leaving his life enveloped him and helped him make up his mind. He had to ask her. He couldn’t let her go without at least trying to get her to stay on some kind of terms. Even if right now it was for work reasons.

  “That was Marsha. You know, the nurse that you’ve been filling in for. She has decided to hand in her resignation.”

  Stacey stopped in mid-motion, the dishcloth dangling in her hand, to look at him.

  “Effective tomorrow. She wants to work closer to her aging mother.” He smiled at her. “It looks like I have an opening for a good clinical nurse.” His eyes searched her face. “Interested?”

  Time hung, unmoving. Cody’s eyes searched her face. Stacey said nothing. Panic burned through him. Acid rose in his throat. She was taking too long to answer for it to go his way.

  With a sad look in her
eyes, Stacey finally shook her head slowly. “Cody, I can’t. I’ve already committed to the job in Ethiopia.”

  “Can’t or won’t?”

  “I told you when we first met that I don’t stay in one place long. That’s just not who I am. Let’s not make this into something unpleasant after what we have shared. We both knew when we got together it was just for fun. Would only last for a few days.”

  “I thought that’s what you would say.” He had to admit he was disappointed but he’d known her view before he’d asked the question. Cody couldn’t help himself; he had to know. He stepped closer to her and asked in a low flat voice, “When you leave here, you won’t look back, will you?”

  Her eyes filled with pain and uncertainty. Her lips thinned and she shook her head. “Cody, I told you how I am. Let’s not ruin what we’ve had.”

  Cody hated the idea that she could leave him and that he’d mean nothing more to her than some man she’d met and bedded while on Maple Island. He wanted her to care more than that. “What have we had, Stacey? Just sex? What exactly?”

  “Isn’t that what we agreed to? What you wanted? I don’t remember you offering me more.”

  “Yeah, but I had the impression that it might be more than that now.” He shouldn’t have let himself get involved deeply enough that his heart hurt at the thought of never seeing her again. Why hadn’t he protected himself more? If she really cared for him and the girls, she would want to stay. At least try taking the job. He tamped down the anger that welled in him.

  Getting frustrated with Stacey would only make the situation worse. Why didn’t she act as if she was hurting over her choice to leave as much as he was? She was just like Rachael after all. Only cared about herself.

  * * *

  Stacey hadn’t counted on there being this much emotional baggage when she left. It had never existed before. When she had become physically involved with Cody she’d feared this might happen but had never considered it would be like carrying a car around on her back. Yet she was determined to put a smile on her face and soldier on. Just because there was a job opening at the clinic, it didn’t mean that she was going to dump all her plans and stay here.

  Anyway, given some space, these developing feelings for Cody would probably pass. They had when her fiancé had left her, as well as her stepfather. Now she could talk about those times without even flinching. Given enough time, she would be able to treat thoughts of Cody with the same disregard. She would move on. That’s what she did. Kept moving.

  She was kidding herself. This time it was different. She would tie all the sweet memories of Cody and their time together with a pink bow in her mind and take them out to pore over every day forever. She almost groaned out loud.

  He studied her a moment. “You know, you are the last person I’d have sworn I would ever think this about, but you really are a coward, aren’t you?”

  She dropped the dishcloth into the sink and rounded on him. Her face flushed. How dared he! “What?”

  “You are scared.”

  “What are you talking about?” Stacey considered herself fearless. She had lived in the jungle, the desert and places with no running water. She wasn’t afraid of anything.

  “You can’t even live in the same place for more than a few months at a time because you’re afraid you might care about someone. So what’s the plan? Live in fear all your life?”

  “You have real gall to say that to me when you have closed yourself off on an island? You have some nerve.” For a second he felt as if she had struck him.

  He bared his teeth. “You don’t know the hell that I...” he pointed outside “...and my girls have lived through. I can’t just open the door and let anyone in.”

  “No, I don’t know what you have been through but what I do know is that you can’t put your life on hold because you are afraid of it happening again. Somehow you’re going to have to learn to let go enough to let people in and, when they’re old enough, let your girls go. When I got here you were so closed off that I was afraid if you smiled your face would crumble. You couldn’t even take a joke!”

  “I let you in!”

  “You did.” She shook her head. “But only enough to have sex with me. I was easy, though.” She raised her hand to stop him from speaking. “Not that kind of easy. Easy for you because I was only going to be here for a month. That way you didn’t have to give too much of yourself or make a commitment. I was a safe bet. You didn’t have to worry about me being the wrong choice because you knew I wasn’t going to stay around.” She harrumphed. “I was both the right and wrong choice. Right for a fling and wrong for you in the long haul. Which made me perfect.” She chuckled dryly.

  “Why do you think you’re wrong for me for the long haul?”

  “For starters, I don’t know anything about being a mother. I probably had one of the worst. She spent all her time worrying about keeping her man or getting the next one. I mostly raised myself. You need a woman who would be attentive to your girls. I don’t know how to do that.”

  He pointed toward the table. “That’s bull. I just watched you with them a few minutes ago. And when you were helping them with their costumes. You’re a natural. That’s just one more of your excuses.”

  “You told me once you wanted a marriage like your parents have and hadn’t got it. That doesn’t mean it isn’t out there for you. The right woman will come along. You just have to open up enough to let her in.” The idea of Cody having another woman permanently in his life made Stacey almost lose her breakfast.

  “Now you’re giving me marriage advice,” he stated incredulously. “The woman who won’t stay in one place long enough to have a relationship. That’s laughable.” But he wasn’t laughing.

  “You are right. I have no business telling you how to run your life. Really I don’t.”

  His shoulders slumped as if he were defeated. “I grew up believing marriage was forever. Permanent. Then addiction destroyed it all. Now I’m gun-shy. Afraid to trust or believe in anyone. Particularly where the girls are concerned.”

  He paused and looked lost for a moment. Under any other circumstances she would have felt sorry for him. A stricken look had come over his face and he straightened as if he were ready to go to battle. “But I’ll have you know I don’t lightly invite people into my life or my girls’. I took a chance with you.”

  If she’d let herself admit it, she knew she wanted what Cody offered. All of it. But she couldn’t take it. History told her that it would be snatched from her just when she started to feel secure. She couldn’t take that chance. Stacey’s voice softened. “I know you did. Only because you knew I would soon be leaving.”

  * * *

  Cody had had enough. What had started out as a job offer had turned into an ugly personal argument. “All I’m saying is that if you take my job offer then we could explore what’s between us. Maybe I could let go some, trust more. Trust you. But you’d have to stop running. Could you do that? Let me in enough that you could trust me not to leave you? Look around you. You’ve made friends here, have a job you say you love. The girls and I are here. Why can’t you accept you’re good enough to deserve all of that?”

  “Maybe because I’ve never felt wanted before and I don’t know how to handle it!”

  Cody stepped closer to her. There was a plea in his voice when he said, “I could help you.”

  “Yeah. I know how that goes. You’d have me around until I do something you don’t think is right. Then you’d not want me anymore. You’d leave me or I’d have to leave!” She shook her head as if she was trying to dislodge the past. “No, I can’t. I won’t go through that again. I won’t be left behind again. Ever.”

  “I would never do that to you.” Cody reached for her but she backed away, out of touching distance.

  If she allowed him to touch her, she’d never be able to leave. “You left your wife. Why wouldn�
�t you leave me?”

  Air whistled from Cody as if he had just been sucker-punched. “I stayed to the bitter end. I didn’t want to give up. I was just left no choice.”

  “You say I ran away. But you have run in your own way as much as I have. You’ve moved all the way across the country to get away.”

  “To protect my children. My move from California was different from hopping from place to place around the world because you’re scared to give anyone or anyplace a chance.”

  Stacey scowled at him. “That’s not true.”

  He cocked his head and gave her a narrowed-eyed look. “Are you sure about that? Are you happy with your life? Being alone all the time?”

  She flinched.

  “You do know you don’t have to go.” He let the words sink in.

  She stepped toward him. “I have already made a commitment.”

  He met her glare head on. “Yeah, but I also offered you one here. With me.” That sounded too close to a proposal.

  “To be your nurse and your night-time booty call whenever the girls happen to be elsewhere. Sounds like the perfect life for you.”

  That time she’d cut him to the core. Even to him it sounded one-sided. Sleazy and self-centered.

  “Daddy, why’re you and Stacey fighting?” came Lizzy’s small voice from the doorway.

  She and Cody whirled in her direction in shock. He hoped Lizzy hadn’t heard Stacey’s last statement.

  Stacey went down on one knee and brought Lizzy into her arms. “Your daddy and I were just talking. I was telling him it’s time for me to go now.” She looked over Lizzy’s shoulder at Cody. “How about a big hug before I do?”

  Lizzy had a sad little smile on her face.

  “Bye, sweetheart.” Stacey pulled her close.